The Pants Tent
season 1, episode 1

Directed by Robert B. Weide
Written by Larry David

Cast:
Larry David as himself
Jeff Garlin as Jeff Greene
Cheryl Hines as Cheryl David
Richard Lewis as himself
Susie Essman as Susie Greene
Antoinette Spolar as Larry's Receptionist
Others:
Sofia Milos as Richard's Girlfriend
Mina Kolb as Jeff Greene's Mom
Louis Nye as Jeff Greene's Dad
Robin Ruzan as Nancy
Kathy Griffin as herself
Laurel Moglen as Hostess
Tucker Smallwood as Restaurant Owner


Larry's House
  (Larry's at home sitting on the couch, observing a flaw in his corduroys.)
LARRY: Cheryl, come here for a second.
CHERYL: What?
LARRY: Look at this.
CHERYL: (laughing) What's going on?
LARRY: Yeah, what's going on?
CHERYL: Yeah, What IS goin' on? (she touched the hump) It's just material.
LARRY: Yeah, I know... But really, look at these pants.
CHERYL: I've seen pants bunch up before...
LARRY: I have never seen a bunch-up like this in my life.
CHERYL: I have...
LARRY: This is like a five-inch bunch-up I got here.
CHERYL: Well you don't have to play with it.
LARRY: Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing, you know..
CHERYL: Um, because you want people to think you constantly have an erection?
LARRY: Is it bad thing for me to walk around like that?
CHERYL: Yeah, it is.
LARRY: I got a tent.
CHERYL: It's a big one.
LARRY: Hey um... You want to go to that Dustin Hoffman movie tonight?
CHERYL: It's Monday. What do I do on Monday nights?
LARRY: I don't know, what? You take a bath?
CHERYL: Yoga.
LARRY: You don't have to do it every Monday.
CHERYL: Yes, I do.
LARRY: I don't have anybody to go with.
CHERYL: Go by yourself.
LARRY: Maybe I'll call Richard Lewis.
CHERYL: Call Richard Lewis.
  (picks up the phone and dials Richard Lewis)
LARRY: (to phone) Richie boy! What are you doing?... I was thinking about going to see that, uh, Dustin Hoffman movie... You're kidding... Yeah, at the Crest... Yeah, okay, I'll.... Sure, why not, I don't care, no, that's fine... 9:00... OK... All right, I'll see you later, probably. I'm not sure if I'm going. Otherwise, I'll see you on Saturday night... All right, bye. (hangs up)
CHERYL: So, is he going?
LARRY: Yeah, he's going, but um... you know, he's got a date, and...
CHERYL: Is this his new girl?
LARRY: Yeah, yeah, You know we're having dinner with them on Saturday.
CHERYL: What is she like?
LARRY: I don't know, I've never met her.
CHERYL: Oh...
LARRY: He could've invited me to go along with him. I don't know what the big deal is. He's going to the same movie at the same time.
CHERYL: You just said has a date!
LARRY: Well so what?
CHERYL: Larry, You don't ask somebody to go to the movies when you have a date.
  (phone rings, Larry hands Cheryl the phone)
CHERYL: Hello?... Hey, Nancy.... Oh, Just hanging around, talking to Larry. What are you doing?... Oh, Really? You know what? You should go to the, uh, movies with Larry... (Larry shakes his head "no") Yeah... He's going to that Dustin Hoffman movie... Yeah, yeah, no, he would love to go with you. This is perfect, hold on...
  (she hands Larry the phone)
CHERYL: (to Larry) She wants to go.
LARRY: (into phone) Hello?
 
Larry's Car
  (Larry in driving on a city street at night and gives Jeff a call on his car phone...)
JEFF: (from speaker phone) Hello?...
LARRY: Hey, Jeff!...
JEFF: Hey, How you doing?
LARRY: I can't believe I got you in your car.
JEFF: I'm your manager, I'm always available.
LARRY: I love that.
JEFF: Well there you go. What's going on?
LARRY: Nothing, I'm going to the movies.
JEFF: Who you going with?
LARRY: My wife tells her friend I'm looking for somebody to go to the movies with... so I'm going to the movies with my wife's friend, who I find really annoying.
JEFF: Forget about all that tonight. You wanna play golf this weekend?
LARRY I don't know, I'll have to ask Hitler.
JEFF'S FATHER: Hitler? (from the background over the speaker phone)
JEFF'S MOTHER: Hitler? Who's he talking about?
JEFF'S FATHER: I don't know.
LARRY: Hey! Listen... Who's in your car?!!
JEFF: Just my parents, they're in town.
LARRY: Wa... Get me off the speakerphone, please!
JEFF: Hold on... Now you're off the speakerphone.
LARRY: What's wrong with you?!!! I thought this was a private conversation! I didn't know anybody else was in your car!
JEFF: Hold on one second... (to his parents) Relax back there! Relax!!... Hello...
LARRY: Oh, Forget it. I'll-I'll talk to you tomorrow.
JEFF: All right, call me tomorrow, bye.
LARRY: OK, bye.
 
Movie Theater
  (Larry is in the theater. He has a large soda and popcorn in his hands. He attempts to enter a row of seat when he comes up against a buxom brunette sitting on the end)
LARRY: (quietly and politely) Excuse me.
  (annoyed, she gives Larry a look and reluctantly pulls back for him)
LARRY: Is that a problem for you?
BRUNETTE: Excuse me.
LARRY: That's exactly right.
BRUNETTE: Could you be a little nicer about it and just go by.
LARRY: A little nicer about it; You make this big sigh, I'm trying to get by.
BRUNETTE: I'm sitting here, and you could enter the other way, please?
LARRY: Could you JUST move your legs?
BRUNETTE: What are you doin'?... Are you looking at my breasts?... You're looking at my breast... Aren't you.
LARRY: I'm not looking at your breasts, I'm trying to get to my seat.
BRUNETTE: You ARE looking at my breasts... (to someone behind her) He's looking at my breasts.
LARRY: Yeah, you and your special breasts. Just excuse me, please?
BRUNETTE: Please just go by without stepping on my foot.
LARRY: You wear that dress 'cause you want people to look at your shoes, right? Is that it?
BRUNETTE: Prick!
  (he finally get to his seat next to Nancy.. who is sitting on the other side of the row)
LARRY: Can you believe that? Did you hear that?
NANCY: I did.
LARRY: Jerk.
NANCY: I hate her.
LARRY: What a sick fuck.
NANCY: I hate her, man.
LARRY: She doesn't even move her knees to let somebody in?
NANCY: She's sitting on the aisle.. She's sitting on the aisle. She doesn't expect somebody to come in? (she starts rubbing Larry's arm) Oh, I'm so sorry. You okay? You all right?
LARRY: Yeah... no...
NANCY: You got really upset, didn't you? Don't worry, it's over now.
   
  (Nancy's eyes glance at Larry's crotch and sees the bulge. She thinks Larry has a boner... Then they both look away from each other in horror. Larry then looks to the left where the brunette is sitting and sees Richard Lewis is actually dating her. This is awkward... Lewis sees Larry, he smiles and waves. Larry recoils in horror...)
 
Outside the Theater
  (Larry and Nancy exit the theater where they bump into Richard and his "buxom" girlfriend)
LARRY: Shit, there she is.
LEWIS: Yo, ''D''! Hey, You came! (to his girlfriend) This is one of my best friends. This is Larry David.
SOFIA: (angry tone) Nice to meet you.
LEWIS: This is Sofia. And, uh, uh...
LARRY: Nancy.
NANCY: I'm a huge fan of yours.
LARRY: Friend of Cheryl's.
NANCY: You're so funny.
LEWIS: (humble) Well, ou know, only on deeply religious holidays. (to Larry) Did you like the film?
LARRY: Yeah, not bad.
NANCY: It was great.
SOFIA: It was fabulous.
LEWIS: Why don't we go... Let's get a little cappuccino and some pizza. On me, on me!
LARRY: It's too late for cappuccino. I'll be up till 5:00 in the morning if I have a cup of coffee now.
LEWIS: Did you ever hear the word ''decaf''?
LARRY: Decaf doesn't work that well. That'll keep me up till, you know... 2.
LEWIS: I get the distinct feeling that I'm, like, uh, Himmler's ghost.
LARRY: No, no, no. It's late anyway, I'm gonna go home.
LEWIS: What about dinner? Are we still on for dinner Saturday?
LARRY: Yeah, yeah...
LEWIS: (to Sofia) We're going out with the Davids Saturday night. We're gonna meet his wife.
SOFIA: Oh..
LEWIS: (to Larry) We're gonna go out. Let's make it like a leisurely dinner, if you don't mind.
LARRY: What do you mean leisurely dinner. What does that mean? Leisurely?
LEWIS: Somewhere between 2 and 20 hours. I don't know.
LARRY: I don't know what that means.
LEWIS: All right, I love you, nice to meet you. Hope I see you again. All right, I'll see you Saturday. All right.. (they all leave)
 
Larry's Bedroom at Night
CHERYL: Hey...
LARRY: Hey...
CHERYL: How was the movie?
LARRY: Oh, Not bad. So, not quite sure how to tell you this... but I think your friend, Nancy... thinks she got me aroused in the movie.
CHERYL: Why would she think that?
LARRY: Because of the tent in the pants, and, when she looked down.
CHERYL: No.
LARRY: Yeah, yeah. She thought that there was some garbage there.
CHERYL: She looked over and she looked at your crotch?
LARRY: She looked at it.
CHERYL: She looked at it.
LARRY She looked at it. She looked down.
CHERYL: What was her reaction? Like it was awkward?
LARRY: There was a little twinkle, yeah.
CHERYL: You're sure that she looked over and thought that you were excited?
LARRY: 90 percent sure. Can't be 100 percent sure, I'm 90 percent sure.
CHERYL: That's really weird.
LARRY: I know, it's very weird.
CHERYL: It's very creepy.
LARRY: I told you about these pants!
CHERYL: I know, it's just material. It's obvious--
LARRY: It's not obvious! Look.. look...
CHERYL: So, she didn't say anything to you about it?
LARRY: No...
CHERYL: You didn't say anything--
LARRY: No, there was no time, the movie started.
CHERYL: And you weren't?
LARRY: What?
CHERYL: You weren't aroused?
LARRY: No, look at this!
CHERYL: I'm making sure.
LARRY: I told you about the pants, you didn't believe me. You scoffed. Did you scoff?... Yeah.
CHERYL: Because any idiot could tell that was just material.
LARRY: Well ha-ha, She's your friend.
CHERYL: (paused in disbelief) Well... Maybe I-- Maybe I'll call her.
LARRY: No no no no, don't do that, that's crazy. (he gets up from the bed) Oh, by the way, I've got some more news, too... in case this wasn't enough for you. We're not going out with Richard Lewis and his girlfriend on Saturday... That's out.
CHERYL: Why?
LARRY: Um, I got in a fight (chuckles) with his girlfriend... before the movie started.
CHERYL: Larry, why? How in the world could you get in a fight with--
LARRY: (chuckling) It wasn't my fault. I was trying to get to my seat. She wouldn't let me go and we got.... and we got-- And he wasn't there.... I-I-I'll tell you about it, I have to go to the bathroom.
CHERYL: Oh, um, Jeff called and left a message on the machine. And he said that he's sorry. (long pause) What does that mean?
LARRY: I don't know.
CHERYL: If he leaves that message, you don't know what it means?
LARRY: He's sorry?
CHERYL: Yeah, like you knew, you would know what that message meant. (pause) What happened?
LARRY: That's weird. I have no idea.
CHERYL: You have no idea what happened?
LARRY: No.
CHERYL: He would just leave a message saying I'm--
LARRY: I'm thinking about it. I don't even know what he's talking about. I'll-I'll talk to him tomorrow. Strange night, huh?
CHERYL: Yeah, very strange.
 
Jeff Green's Office
  (Larry is on the phone, on hold, sitting on a couch at Jeff Green's office)
LARRY: (singing Native American style) ♪♪ Oh, dee, oh.... Oh, dee, oh... Oh, dee, oh... ♪♪ (to phone) Uh, Hello? Yeah... Uh, Do you know how much longer he's gonna be?... Ok... (pulls the phone aside)
(to Jeff) So, it was really uncool to just leave that message, ''I'm sorry,'' on my machine... 'cause, my wife, you know, she asked me, ''What is he sorry about?'' ...and I had no answer.
JEFF: Ohhh, I'm sorry.
LARRY: I mean, I'm not gonna say I called her ''Hitler'' and your parents heard it in the car.
JEFF: No.
LARRY: (to phone) Hello... Okay, you know I'm just gonna call back. Ok? (hangs up) ...and the thing is, she's gonna ask me again.
JEFF: We'll think of something.
LARRY: What are you doing, What are you writing?
JEFF: I'm writing Kathy Griffin a letter of apology.
LARRY: Why? What did you do?
JEFF: We did nothing to each other... but just every week, I end up writing her an apology letter.
LARRY: What a job you have.
JEFF: ...Imagine writing a lett--
LARRY: You have to write people letters?
JEFF: I know.
LARRY: It's ridiculous.
JEFF: It's crazy.
JEFF: Kathy' Griffin's the only one I don't understand.
LARRY: Hey! What if Kathy Griffin called you up... and said that she wanted me to write a pilot for her and you said, and you said, uh, no, I wasn't available, without consulting me. If my wife ever asks me again; which I'm sure she will, that's what I could tell her. That's why you said you were sorry.
JEFF: Great, Great, wonderful!
LARRY: You like that?
JEFF: Yes, very much.
LARRY: Yeah... It's quite good, isn't it?
JEFF: So, we're lying together.
LARRY: Yeah...
JEFF: Alright, good...
LARRY: So that's our story, in case my wife ever talks to you, Kathy Griffin...
JEFF: Kathy Griffin
LARRY: Yeah, Kathy Griffin called him up and uh, he said... he said "I couldn't write the pilot for her... without even asking me. He's an idiot... He's an idiot."
JEFF: Who is?
LARRY: You are... I'm talking to my wife now. ''He's a big, fat idiot.'' (laughing)
JEFF: (smiles) Big, fat idiot? Come on. Tell her I'm an idiot. Don't say I'm a fat idiot.
LARRY: (laughing) I'm kidding.
JEFF: Could you do me a favor?
LARRY: Yeah...
JEFF: Write me a letter of apology.
LARRY: I will.
JEFF: (joking) For calling me a fat idiot,
LARRY: Alright, ok...
JEFF: Listen, the other night when you called your wife ''Hitler''? My parents, you know, were in the back?
LARRY: Yeah...
JEFF: We had a gay cousin that escaped Nazi Germany, so my parents are very sensitive to it.
LARRY: Talk about being ostracized.
JEFF: Well, yeah.
LARRY: Gay Jew in Nazi Germany?
JEFF: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah,
LARRY: He must have had a hard time.
JEFF: Yep.
LARRY: What a combo.
JEFF: Listen, can you do me a favor? Please this afternoon, come by the house, and uh, apologize to my parents. It's for me! they're here for another week. My father wants me to drop you as a client! He keeps telling me every day, ''Drop him, drop him as a client!''
LARRY: Because of one stupid little joke I made in the car?
JEFF: One stupid, little thing.
LARRY: Because of the gay Jew cousin?
JEFF: They're very sensitive about it... of the gay Jew cousin. I could meet them for lunch. I'll be home this afternoon. Please, please come by.
LARRY: Don't ever put me on a speakerphone again in your car if anybody's sitting there ever again!
JEFF: lf I'm alone, it's okay.
LARRY Yeah!
JEFF: Okay, but can you do me a favor, please? Tell my parents you're sorry. Quickly zip in, zip out, and tell them, all right?
  (Larry and Jeff are waling down the hallway on their way to lunch)
LARRY: Have you heard of this new restaurant called Mama's Boy?
JEFF: Yeah, I heard it's great.
LARRY: Oh, yeah?
JEFF: Yeah!
LARRY: Oh good, Good, Cheryl and l are going on Saturday night. We have reservations.
JEFF: With Lewis and his girlfriend?
LARRY: No, we were supposed to, but that fell through.
JEFF: I should take my parents there.
LARRY: You should.
JEFF: ''Mama's Boy.''
 
Larry's Office
  (Larry's receptionist, Antoinette, is on the phone and Larry walks in)
ANTOINETTE: (on the phone) Nobody is gonna wanna see her on another awards show... No, okay, I gotta go... All right, bye. (hangs up)
(to Larry) Hi...
LARRY: Did Richard Lewis call?
ANTOINETTE: Yes, and he's coming over.
LARRY: Oh...
ANTOINETTE: So, it'll probably be a few minutes from now... Um...  Bob Shaw called. He just wanted to say hi. And your wife called twice.
LARRY: Ok, I don't need that... Yeah...
(Larry is in his office and he is on the phone with Cheryl)
(to Cheryl) Q-tips? Okay. Yeah, I'm writing it down.... A color wrap. Is that tin foil or plastic?... Is that Saran Wrap?... No, I don't know... Well, that's what I thought, OK... Uh, yes, as a matter of fact I did... What happened was, Kathy Griffin had called him... about (a knock at the door) ...the possibility of me writing a pilot for her. (Richard Lewis walks in) She was interested in me writing a pilot for her, and he never told me about it. He just said no without telling me. So, that's what he said he was sorry about... (Lewis knocks on Larry's desk pointing to his watch) Ok, yeah, I love you, too. Ok, bye. (hangs up)
  (Lewis just sits there with a disturbed look on his face)
LARRY: Why are you looking at me like that?
LEWIS: Because I've never been married. I think I'm in love and you might have ruined this for me.
LARRY: Come on, ''ruined it.'' If I did, I did you a favor... by the way.
LEWIS: That--That's one of the most insensitive things you've ever said.
LARRY: I don't think it's insensitive.
I think it's sensitive-I think it's sensitive... I don't--I do.
LEWIS: Let me tell you something. This is a woman who knows seven languages, she's very sweet, I'm taking a leak, the movie's about to start... (tapping Larry's shoulder) Look at me! Can you look--can you--respect?... I drove down in rush hour. Can you at least look at me? And those seats are like this. She tried.
LARRY: She didn't try.
LEWIS: ''Do you mind? Can't you move?'' (Larry's going "No-no-no..") And then, here's the coup de grace, you look at her breasts! (Larry's still going "No-no-no..") You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts!
LARRY: First of all, they're not breasts--(louder) they're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, okay?
LEWIS: How do you know they're fake?
LARRY: I could take a guess.
LEWIS: Maybe they are fake, what's the big deal?
LARRY: Nothing, don't call them breasts. They're not breast.
LEWIS: First of all, I'm getting--I have that irregular heart thing. It is not a good thing. I'm a recovering alcoholic. This is all bad for me.
LARRY: We're doing the litany now? What else?
LEWIS: I can give you the litany. You want to know what my cholesterol was? 272, all right? I don't need this shit, man. I've known her for six weeks. We've already had intercourse. She's loving, she speaks seven languages...
LARRY: Congratulations on the intercourse.
LEWIS: And I happen to be a little bit in love with her... Ok?
LARRY: Well, a little bit should be the operative word here. I never--I don't know how to get--
LEWIS: First of all, it's none of your fucking business... 'cause you're insensitive--
LARRY: Does she ask you to go over the Neil Simon scripts at night? The actress? Make you do some readings at night with her in bed? Does she give you a script and go over the lines with you on the sides? Do you read the sides with her?
LEWIS: She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.
LARRY: She reads Wiesel?
LEWIS: That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with...
LARRY: You know what she should be reading? EMILY FUCKING POST! THAT'S WHAT SHE SHOULD BE READING!
LEWIS: Let me tell you something, Larry... Listen, Saturday night, do me a favor. I love you, all right? We have enough good stuff in the bank to get over this. But Saturday night at dinner, could we maybe try to have an apology for this?
LARRY: First of all, there's no way I can have dinner with you on Saturday night. That's out.
LEWIS: Am I hearing this?
LARRY: I'm not having dinner.
LEWIS: Ya know, our relationship's at stake right now. Our relationship's at stake.
LARRY: Get out of here!
LEWIS: You'd better call me later on, by-by-by sundown.
LARRY: By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper? By sundown? What's--
LEWIS: That's funny. Ya know I'm trying not to laugh, but that's funny. OK, You'd better call me by sundown.
LARRY: By sundown? And is a posse gonna come get me?
LEWIS: That's right.
 
Jeff and Suzie's
  (Larry and Jeff are entering the living room)
SUSIE: ...Oh, there he is. Hi, Lar.
LARRY: Hello...
SUZIE: These are my friends, Connie, Robin, from the "Mommy and Me" class.
CONNIE: I'm one of the mommies.
LARRY: Hi, "mommy". (to Connie) All right, bye.
CONNIE: Actually, let's go up and see the kids.
JEFF: Mom, Dad, Larry's here.
MRS. GREEN: Oh Really...
LARRY: Hi... Um... I've come to tell you that I'm sorry about the-the other night and I know you were in the car, you overheard me say something about my wife
THE GREENS: We were in the car.
LARRY: I'm sorry if I offended you, it was meant as a joke. It wasn't very funny, obviously.
MR. GREEN: It wasn't funny.
MRS. GREEN: Nooooo....
LARRY: Ya know I didn't-- I thought I was just talking to Jeff and....
MRS. GREEN: You mean you can say that kind of thing to Jeff and he thinks it's funny, is that what you're trying to say?
LARRY: I'm not tryin' to say that.
MRS. GREEN: You don't think it's funny?
JEFF: I would've told him it was the wrong thing to say.
MRS. GREEN: I think so.
LARRY: I don't think my wife is Hitler, I love my wife very much. She's given up her career to work full-time for the environment.
MR. GREEN: So, it was an error on your part? It was cruel... and not nice. It was ROTTEN, if I may say so.
MRS. GREEN: It was ROTTEN!
MR. GREEN: ...ROTTEN!
LARRY: -I'm sorry, I agree, it was rotten.
MR. GREEN: All right, it's over now. It's over, what you did.
MRS. GREEN: You have to pull yourself together.
LARRY: I do... I'm trying to pull myself together.
MRS. GREEN: You have to get a hold of yourself.
MR. GREEN: So, you did what you did, and it wasn't very nice... but I try to be a nice human being. Forget about it.
LARRY: OK...
MRS. GREEN: As long as you understand.
JEFF: He understands, he's great.
MR. GREEN: You're Alright...
LARRY: I'm done with the Hitler stuff.
MR. GREEN: (putting his hand on Larry's lap) You're all right.
LARRY: Thank you.
MR. GREEN: You've come in and you said it. (Larry shake his hand a bit too tightly) Ah-ah-ah Easy.
SUSIE: Mom, Dad! Sammy is asleep, on the floor, he's got his arm around Sarah. It's the cutest thing, you gotta come up, right now. Larry, come, it's so cute. Jeffrey, get the Polaroid, okay?...
[NOTE: Sammy was a boy... Later becomes a girl... hmmm]
JEFF: The Polaroid...
SUSIE: ...And you can see the new wallpaper. Come on.
JEFF: The Polaroid, I'll get the Polaroid.
LARRY: I'm not gonna go upstairs.
JEFF: Whatever, you know, it's your business. You wanna, you wanna, you don't, you don't. I can't make you.
LARRY: I gotta get moving.
JEFF: Thank you, that was really nice of you. I really appreciate it. I gotta go up there now.
  (Larry walks up the stairs on his way out)
 
At The Davids' ...Nancy Visit's Cheryl
  (Larry is walking down the hall into his living room)
CHERYL: Larry, Larry, come here for a second. Um... Look who's here. I wanted to just get this out in the open.
LARRY: (looking shocked) What the hell?
CHERYL: It's Nancy... And I just wanted you to come over here, for one second. I thought we should just talk about this... Tell her what you were telling me the other night.
LARRY: (panicky) What are you-- Why are you doing this? This is silly!
CHERYL: Tell her what you told me the other night.
LARRY: Hhh... I can't believe that she's talking to you about this!
CHERYL: Because--
LARRY: This is insane!
NANCY: (under crosstalk) Because you told her.
LARRY: Wait a second, Wait a second. Hold it hold it. Can I just say something here? Ok. Now, I came home, and I thought it was really funny it was kind of a joke to me that you know that you stared down, over here because--
NANCY: Because you had an erection.
LARRY: Nancy, this is why it's funny... This is why it's funny.. because you thought that I had an erection.
NANCY: I ''thought''? But I don't understand the ''thought'' part.
CHERYL: That's what we're saying. Even before the movie, Larry said, ''Look at these pants.''
LARRY: I pointed out the pants to her before the movie.
NANCY: Larry, you sat down, and everything was fine and then I started rubbing your arm and you got a hard-on. It's not a big deal, I don't care. It's not a big deal.
LARRY: No, it NOT a big deal, and I wouldn't mind it, if in fact, I did.
CHERYL: Wait a second, wait a second... She was rubbing your arm?
LARRY: Oh, because I was upset--
CHERYL: Why were you rubbing his arm?
LARRY: Because I was upset about the woman--
CHERYL: Why didn't you tell me that she was rubbing your arm?
LARRY: I just forgot to mention 'cause I was upset about the woman that would let me into then isle!!
CHERYL: Why didn't you tell me that when you were telling the story? Why wouldn't you tell me that?
LARRY: It's so insignificant to me, the whole thing! I didn't think of that..
CHERYL: I'm taking in all the facts.
NANCY: Listen, lt happened. OK? He got an erection, it wasn't a big deal. He had the fight with the woman with the big breast--
LARRY: Nancy, it didn't happen, okay?!! If it happened, I would give you credit for it! It didn't happen! I know when I get these things and how they happen!
NANCY: These things, these erection things?
LARRY: I know the source!
NANCY: I know the source, too!
LARRY: I can name sources! Sophia Loren was once a source! I know my sources! Sometimes they're mysterious sources, I don't know where it comes from! Other times, I can pinpoint it!
CHERYL: What about me? Am I not even involved in a source?
LARRY: Yeah, you're a source.
NANCY: What about me? Oh my God!
LARRY: You're a source, too!
NANCY: Listen, you got a hard-on.
LARRY: No, I didn't!
NANCY: You got a hard-on.
LARRY: Look at these pants. Look... Look down here..
NANCY: That's not what it looked like. That was flopping, this was not flopping! There was something hard in there and it was your fucking dick!
LARRY: Are you crazy?
  (Nancy gets up and leaves)
CHERYL: Ok... Nancy, wait a second, don't walk out!
LARRY: Let me show you, I'll get the pants!... (the door slams)
  (There's a long pause)
LARRY: WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO TELL HER THAT FOR?!!!
CHERYL: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THE WHOLE STORY!!!... Thank you!... Jesus.
 
Mama's Boy Restaurant
LARRY: Look what's doing here. This is really crowded.
(to the hostess)
Hi, reservation for 8:00, for David.
HOSTESS:: Uh... Yes. I have you for a party of four.
LARRY: Yeah, but there are only gonna be two of us.
JEFF: Larry! Hey, hey, come here!
LARRY: (to Jeff) HEY!! (to hostess) Excuse me one second.
JEFF: Hey, Cheryl!
CHERYL: Hi!
SUSIE: Hi... Oooo, I haven't seen you in so long, look at this. (about her coat)
LARRY: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Greene.
  (They both frown at him with disgust)
SUSIE: (to Jeff's Parents) This is Cheryl, Larry's wife. (to Cheryl) This is Jeff's parents.
CHERYL: Hi. Nice to meet you. (she shakes hands with Mrs. Green)
MRS. GREEN: How do you do? Cheryl, is it?
CHERYL: Yes.
MR. GREEN: How are you, Cheryl? Nice to see you.
LARRY: How ya' doin'?
MR. GREEN: Pretty lady. Pretty lady..
LARRY: How's everything? (the Greens recoil again in disgust)
JEFF: (Jeff pulls Larry aside) Can I talk to you for a second?
LARRY: Yeah. (Jeff and Larry walking away from the table)
She's not gonna tell her about the Hitler thing? (meaning Cheryl)
JEFF: No-no-no-no way. I promise you, I promise you no way. There is a little bit of a problem though. Remember the other day, you were leaving and we wanted you to come upstairs and look at the kid? Susie asked you to come upstairs?
LARRY: Yah..
JEFF: My parents are mad you didn't.
LARRY: What?
JEFF: My parents are upset you didn't come up. They thought you should come up.
LARRY: Up the stairs? To see the kids? Cause I did go see the kids, They're mad at me?
JEFF: They're mad at you. Yeah.
LARRY: That's insane.
JEFF: I've already told them they're crazy. They're crazy.
LARRY: What did they say?
JEFF: They said ''It would be nice if he would've came up stairs. What kind of man doesn't want to come upstairs to look at a man's kid?"
LARRY: So, they didn't even say hello to me.
JEFF: I know, they're upset with you. (the hostess approaches) Hold on, she wants to talk to you.
HOSTESS: (to Larry) Excuse me. I'm trying to find a place for a table of two, and I just don't have one.
LARRY: Wait a second.
CHERYL: What's happening?
HOSTESS: We can't sit two people at a table of four, we can only sit---
LARRY: We'll take a table for two, then.
HOSTESS: Right... There is no table for two available for another hour and a half.
CHERYL: Then we'll take the table for four, and there'll just be two of us.
HOSTESS: We can't sit two in a four, we can sit a four in a four... otherwise we're wasting space
LARRY: I know, but we had a reservation for four and the two people couldn't come.
HOSTESS: I can't do it, it's not looking good. I'm telling ya, it's not looking good.
CHERYL: Thank you. That's fine. (the hostess walks away) You know what, Larry? You should just tell her who you are.
LARRY: Yeah, who am l? I'm a guy without a table. That's who I am.
CHERYL: Try the Seinfeld thing and see if she reacts.
LARRY: Forget it, I'm not gonna say that.
CHERYL: No, it will help. (to the hostess) Ma'am, can you come for one second? (to Larry) Tell her who you are... (a pause) He was one of the creators of Seinfeld.
LARRY: So what, right? Okay, big deal, fine.
CHERYL: What I'm saying is,
  she can find a table for you.
HOSTESS: -I wish I could help you, but--
LARRY: -Have you ever seen it. (to Cheryl) She's never seen an episode. What are you talking about..
HOSTESS: I saw it once, it was good.
LARRY: -Did you, really? Which one?
HOSTESS: -I can't remember.
LARRY: OK, Great, see? She never even saw the show, good going.
HOSTESS: But we can't give preferential treatment here.
  (Jeff arrives and invites)
JEFF: Cheryl, Larry, join us, we got the corner table... Easily add two. Come on, join us. Please do, I've done it before.
HOSTESS: OK, We'll see if we can do that.
JEFF: Thank you. Hey... Larry David... co-creator of Seinfeld?.. OK, please? Thank you, very much.
LARRY: Ok, Shut up.
JEFF: Seinfeld, Larry David, thank you very much. Come on, let's go.
LARRY: You wanna eat with him and his family?
CHERYL: (frustrated, looking at Larry) I'm starving.
  (They go over to the table and there looking at the menus)
JEFF: I'm gonna get the veal parmesan.
MRS. GREEN: Honey, I don't think you should get that.
JEFF: I'll get the white fish then, are you happy?
MR. GREEN: I'm gonna... I'm gonna have the... the Fish Frenzy.
SUSIE: What's that? Where do you see that?
MR. GREEN: Right here. It's got grilled shrimp with it...
MRS. GREEN: Well, I'm not having that. I'm having white fish. (to Jeff) Isn't that right, sweetheart?
JEFF: Whatever you want, Mom.
MRS. GREEN: Okay.
LARRY: (to Jeff's parents) When are you guys going back?
  (there's a quiet pause)
MRS. GREEN: What, is there a hurry? It's our business.
JEFF: Next Tuesday. I know, because I bought the tickets. Next Tuesday, right? Next Tuesday.
SUSIE: Listen, Mom, you're welcome to stay with us as long as you want.
RESTAURANT OWNER: Good evening, how are you this evening? I'd like to apologize for the necessity to crowd you a bit. We're very busy tonight, fortunately... but I hope you enjoy your dinner nevertheless.
LARRY: Are you Mama's Boy?
RESTAURANT OWNER: I am a mama's boy, and I'm proud of it. (laughs) Enjoy your dinner.
EVERYONE: Thank you.
RESTAURANT OWNER: Enjoy the dinner, thank you.
LARRY: Nice man. I love to see a black owner, black entrepreneurship.
MR. GREEN: What does that mean?
MRS. GREEN: What do you mean?
LARRY: It's just.... (Having said that, Larry becomes extremely embarrassed)
  (There's a very long pause)
SUSIE: I just wanna point out, if you're not gonna order dessert it's not really a good deal because the entrées are cheaper à la carte, Mom.
  (as Susie talks, Larry turns his head and sees Richard Lewis and his girlfriend, Sofia sitting down at a table nearby)
MRS. GREEN: I don't feel well, I really don't.
LARRY: (to Cheryl) Having a nice time?
CHERYL: Yeah. Having a great time.
LARRY: We've got to do this more often, don't you think? Maybe I'll call in for next week. Wouldn't that be nice?
  (Kathy Griffin shows up at the table)
SUSIE: Kathy Griffin.
JEFF: Hey, hey!
KATHY GRIFFIN: Sorry to interrupt. Larry, Jeff, Susie. I cannot believe this coincidence. I have been meaning to call you about Larry.
LARRY: Oh no-no, We talked about it.
JEFF: The thing about the pilot, yeah.
KATHY GRIFFIN: Pilot?
LARRY: Yeah, we should do that. Yeah. That's what you called him about, I know.
KATHY GRIFFIN: I didn't call you. I'm saying I'd call you this week. I thought maybe, you might wanna write something for me. You know?
LARRY: No, I know.
KATHY GRIFFIN: How do you know?
LARRY: Oh, Because....
KATHY GRIFFIN: Anyway, I just thought it'd be funny if maybe we get together, kick around some ideas.
MRS. GREEN: What's your name, miss?
KATHY GRIFFIN: Kathy Griffin.
MR. GREEN: You're an attractive young lady.
KATHY GRIFFIN: You better watch him, Miss. All right, I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye, sorry to interrupt. (she leaves)
MR. GREEN: Sweet girl. Look at the way that girl walks. Look at that, what rhythm she has.
(Busted, Cheryl looks down at Larry and he looks hopeless)
END