Ted and Mary
season 1, episode 2

Directed by David Steinberg
Written by Larry David

Cast:

Larry David........................... Larry David
Jeff Garlin............................. Jeff Greene
Cheryl Hines........................ Cheryl David
Ted Danson......................... Ted Danson
Mary Steenburgen........ Mary Steenburgen
Anne Haney...................... Mary's Mother
Antoinette Spolar........ Larry's Receptionist
Tim Bagley...................... Shoe Salesman
Candy Ford................ Jacket Saleswoman
Buck Kartalian................ Shoe Repair Guy
Joe Liss................................ Shoe Thief
Louis Mustillo................... Guy at Counter


Bowling Alley
  (Larry, Cheryl, Ted, and Mary are bowling a string... Mary is up...)
MARY: Ooo!
TED: Wow!
CHERYL: Very nice!
TED: You were saying?... All right, so that means you need....
  (Larry gets up to bowl)
LARRY: I need a spare to win.
CHERYL: Okay, Larry, you need a spare...
LARRY: I need a spare...
CHERYL: ...this is for the team.
MARY: -How about that!
CHERYL: Please, don't humiliate me... All right.
TED: You gonna do that little wiggle step again?
MARY: That was cute.
LARRY: I'm not gonna count this if I hear any talking at all.
ALL: (to Larry) Ooooh...
CHERYL: I think he's mad... All right, here we go.
  (Larry bowls a strike)
TED: Ooooh nooooo!.. Alright alright alright alright... OK..
CHERYL: Nice work... Very good, very good...
TED: (to all) You know what we should do?...
  (Larry extends his hand to Ted to collect on a bet)
TED: (to Larry) I want change, that's $20. (to all again) We should invite....
MARY: We have a great idea.
TED: This weekend... we're going to go listen to Paul Simon. We have the luxury box... Come join us, it's fun.
MARY: It's gonna be a great concert.
CHERYL: (excitedly surprised) Really?
LARRY: We'll think about it...
CHERYL: No, that sounds great.
LARRY: No, no no, we'll think about it. I don't know if I can spend another evening with these people.
CHERYL: He's paying you money, though.
LARRY: I owe you $10, I don't have ay change..
TED: You owe me $10. (Larry hands Ted a 20) Okay. (they all get up and leave)
  (at the shoe check-in counter)
CHERYL: Need my shoes.
SHOE GUY: Thank you.
LARRY: You were surprised. (about his bowling)
CHERYL: I was very surprised. I didn't know you were such a talented--
LARRY: You thought I'd choke on that last ball.
CHERYL: I thought you were gonna choke. You surprised me, pleasantly surprised me.
SHOE GUY: (to Larry as he returns his bowling shoes) Thank you.... How was it, did you have fun?
LARRY: Yeah.
SHOE GUY: Thank you.
  (He puts a pair of sneakers on the counter for Larry...)
LARRY: Those aren't mine.
SHOE GUY: No, they-they gotta be.
LARRY: They're not-they're not my shoes.
SHOE GUY: They were in the ah... Yeah, they were... they were in your slot.
LARRY: No, my shoes are brown and they have sort of tan laces.
SHOE GUY: -Well, they gotta be here.
LARRY: (describing) ...looks like a sneaker.....
SHOE GUY: Right, yeah, come on, take a look. They're here, they gotta be here.
TED: You ready? (to Larry... ready to leave)
SHOE GUY: See, these were yours.
LARRY: They don't have my shoes.
MARY: Are you serious?
LARRY: Ya...
TED: You sure these aren't them?
MARY: What are these here?
SHOE GUY: They were in his slot, but your shoes....
CHERYL: Can't find your shoes?
LARRY: No. Brown shoes, they had tan laces.
CHERYL: They sort of have, like, bubbles on the soles.
SHOE GUY: Oh, on the sole.
LARRY: It looked like a soccer shoe.
SHOE GUY: Yeah, I know, I know, I know... They were right next to yours. I-I put them up there by mistake. Guy took them.
ALL: Oh, my gosh.
TED: What about his shoes? Why don't you wear HIS shoes? (picks up a sneaker) Are these his shoes?
SHOE GUY: Here's what to do. Here, hold on. No.... Write down your name and number.
LARRY: What kind of guy would take somebody else's shoes?
MARY: A guy that has these shoes.
SHOE GUY: So, write down your number. I'll call you immediately when I see them.
CHERYL: Oh, my God...
TED: Does this happen to you a lot?
LARRY: (chuckles) Yeah, it does.
SHOE GUY: Can I give you, like, 10 free passes? Do you guys bowl a lot?
TED: Yes, go for the passes.
MARY: We'll be happy to take them.
LARRY: (joking) I don't think we'll be back for a while.
SHOE GUY: I can give you the passes.
LARRY: All right, if he shows up, call me.
SHOE GUY: I will call you the second anyone calls, or he comes.
LARRY: Okay. Want to go for a walk? You were so helpful throughout my little ordeal.
 
(Larry leaves the sneakers behind. And in his stocking feet, they all walk out the door)
 
Larry's House
  (Larry and Cheryl are heading upstairs to the bedroom, where they chat about their evening)
CHERYL: That was fun.
LARRY: Ya...
CHERYL: And we managed to get a Paul Simon concert out of it.
LARRY: Holy cow! Can you believe that?!
CHERYL: I CAN'T believe it.
LARRY: They invited us to see Paul Simon at the luxury box? I must've made quite an impression tonight to get that Paul Simon invitation.
CHERYL: Well, your bowling skills were shining through. Was that Friday or Saturday?
LARRY: That's uh, Friday.
CHERYL: Oh,it is?
LARRY: Yeah, I heard him tell Mary that it was Friday.
CHERYL: Oh, you heard him say it?
LARRY: Yeah.
CHERYL: Okay, good, good..
LARRY: Wow...
CHERYL: They are so cute...
LARRY: I know... What a great couple. huh...
CHERYL: ...and so fun.
LARRY: Yeah.. I wonder if they thought that we were a good couple? We were a good couple tonight, I think we were a good couple. Don't you think?
CHERYL: We presented ourselves really nicely.
LARRY: Why aren't we a good couple?
CHERYL: We were fun.
LARRY: 'You think they're talking about we're a good couple?
CHERYL: -They have to be.
LARRY: -That would be nice.
CHERYL: Yeah...
LARRY: -But they really are, they're a great couple.
CHERYL: -Really like them.
LARRY: -She's really great.
CHERYL: -Yeah.
LARRY: -I really love her, she was terrific.
CHERYL: -Yeah, she was really great.
LARRY: -Him, I can kind of take him or leave him.
CHERYL: -I like him.
LARRY: Ehhh... He's a little strange.
CHERYL: Why?
LARRY: Everything's heaven with him. The piece of gum he had, ''Oh, this is heaven.'' Had to taste a chocolate bar. ''I'm in heaven.'' The parking space is ''heaven.'' It's all ''heaven.''
CHERYL: He's a very happy guy. He enjoys things.
LARRY: A lot of questions you didn't hear any of this... but he asked lots of questions about my personal hygiene, too.
CHERYL: Jeez.. (chuckles)
LARRY: Yeah, yeah, and I'm not gonna even tell you what they were... but really personal. He's a little off, I think.
CHERYL: Yeah, but fun, but he's so fun.
LARRY: Yeah, he's okay, he's okay. I don't know really what she sees in him, but....
CHERYL: Yeah, it must be hell living with Ted Danson. That's got to be hard.
LARRY: She's really terrific, though.
CHERYL: Yeah, she is.
LARRY: What a beautiful person, not only on the outside but she really has an inner beauty, didn't you think? And it just kind of radiates? The shame is that I could never be friends with her, you know?
CHERYL: Why couldn't you be friends with her?
LARRY: Well, because, uh,  she's a woman, she's married, I'm a married man.
CHERYL: Ah-huh...
LARRY: ... and I'd love to just have a cup of coffee with her or something. But you can never do that because... well, society frowns on relationships between men and women like that.
CHERYL: Well, don't let me stop you, I mean--
LARRY: You know, lf we're gonna be making friends with them, I'd just as soon be friends with her. You can be friends with him. And you could get the personal hygiene questions, okay?
CHERYL: All right.
  (Cheryl going into the bathroom, Larry talking from the bed)
  And how about that Clinton stuff?
CHERYL: Yeah.
LARRY: When she talked about Clinton. She knows Clinton and Hillary.
CHERYL: Hm-hmmm...
  (pause) She's great.
 
The Next Morning
  (Larry is sitting in the breakfast nook, reading his morning paper and enjoying a coffee when the phone rings)
LARRY: Hello?...
Hey, Mar'! Wow! Yeah,  Good morning!...
No, we were gonna call you...
Oh yeah, it was fantastic. What a great time. Heaven, it was heaven....
He does?... Huh... That's interesting.
Um... Oh no, the whole thing. The whole thing.
Oh, by the way, I still have his $10. No no, you tell him I'm gonna give it back to him...
I'm gonna give it back to him, don't worry about it...
So what are you doing today?...
Really, huh?... Huh...
Going shopping at Barneys...
You know, I could use a couple of things, actually...
Yeah, I don't have any sweaters at all, and....
What time?
 
Shopping Mall
  (Larry is sees walking upstairs in the mall, search for Mary. He finds her and her mother in a clothing store called Barney's looking at a blouse)
LARRY: (to Mary jokingly) It's a little drab, I think. It looks a little drab.
MARY: Hi, Lar'! (she greets him with a hug)
LARRY: Hi!
MARY: This is so great! This is my momma, from Arkansas. This is Anne, this is Larry.
LARRY: Oh... Hello. very nice to meet you (shakes her mother. Anne's hand)
ANNE: Hello, how are you?
LARRY: Good, Arkansas, I've never been to Arkansas..
ANNE: Oh, you must come. It's so beautiful.
LARRY: I don't think.... They don't let me into certain states, actually.
ANNE: Why not?
LARRY: Incorrigible. I'm incorrigible.
MARY: You know what? I have some pull there. I used to know the governor.
LARRY: She knows the governor... Your daughter knows the governor?
ANNE: Yes, we both did. Yes.
MARY: I am so impressed that you would come shopping.
LARRY: What, are you kidding? I love to shop. I shop all the time.
MARY: You love to shop?..
LARRY: I'm a huge shopper...
MARY: You're the only man I know who loves to shop. This is great.
ANNE: Your daddy certainly didn't! Whoo!
MARY: So...
LARRY: (tugging on Mary's shirt) This is a nice item you've got here.
MARY: I got this at Barneys. I got this last week. I bet they still have this. This is a man's jacket.
LARRY: Really?
MARY: I love buying men's jackets.
LARRY: This is a very nice item, this thing. It's a half-jacket, half-shirt. You don't know what it is.
SALES WOMAN: (a sales woman comes out of nowhere holding the exact same jacket)
I couldn't help but overhear. I happen to have one right here.
LARRY: Boy, you are good.
MARY: They are good at Barneys.
SALES WOMAN: I bet you're a 42.
MARY: See, Barneys salespeople, they're practically psychic.
LARRY: You're good. You are very good. Wow... (he puts the jacket on)
MARY: I'm going to insist that you buy this.
LARRY: This is interesting, isn't it? It's like a shirt and a jacket. I think it's me.
MARY: It's beautiful on you.
LARRY: You don't mind us having the same coat?
MARY: I would be so honored.
LARRY: (to Anne) Twins.
MARY: (walking around the store) So, Lar', did you like the silk Giorgio blouse or no?
LARRY: More than liked, I loved it.
MARY: Are you sure? Because I couldn't tell when I put it on. There was something in your eyes.
LARRY: Oh, No, I thought it was perfect on you. (he sees the shoe department) Oh, oh... Look at this. Shoes. You know what? I should replace the shoes from the bowling alley. Maybe they'll have them.
MARY: Ohhh, maybe they'll have them.
  (they approach a shoe salesman)
SHOE SALESMAN: Can I help you?
LARRY: Um.. I'm looking for a pair of shoes. They're brown....
MARY: (interrupting) Okay, they look like a soccer shoe, almost.
SHOE SALESMAN: You don't know their brand name?
LARRY: They've got black bubbles on the bottom.
SHOE SALESMAN: I bet you're talking about Campers.
MARY: That's exactly what they are.
SHOE SALESMAN: Okay, let me go see if I can find them.
MARY: That's the name of the brand.
LARRY: What about that blue shirt I had with the zippered--
ANNE: Oh, Lovely.
LARRY: You don't think the sleeves go out too far?
MARY: No, no, you look so buff in it.
ANNE: Oh no, honey, you're handsome in that.
LARRY: Really?
SHOE SALESMAN: Sir, excuse me. Is this the shoe?
LARRY: Yeah, that's it.
SHOE SALESMAN: Okay, I hope that you're a 9.
LARRY: No, I'm an 11 .
SHOE SALESMAN: We don't have it in anything but a 9 right now. So, I'd be happy to order it for you. It would take a couple of days.
LARRY: All right.
SHOE SALESMAN: Is that okay? I'll need some information from you. Come with me, please.
 
A Small Restaurant
  (Larry, Mary and her mother Anne are having a lunch at a table in a small restaurant)
MARY: I am so blown away by how amazing were you today at Barneys. I've never seen a man take to shopping... the way our Larry took to shopping.
LARRY: I... love to shop. I love to shop.
ANNE: I've never known a man who loved to shop.
LARRY: I'm exhausted from picking up those shopping bags. I can't even lift my sandwich.
ANNE: Your wife must be very proud of you.
LARRY: No, she's not.
ANNE: She's not?
LARRY: No. Not even a little bit. (Anne awes him)
MARY: Awe, she is, too. Cheryl adores you.
LARRY: I love to shop, you know what else?
MARY: What?
LARRY: Cook... I shop and I cook.
MARY: You don't cook, Larry.
LARRY: I'm the double-header.
ANNE: Mary, you should have married this man.
LARRY: Let me tell you something. Nothing gives me more pleasure than cracking an egg. Nothing. I'll make you some omelets. I'll flip you out... I will flip you out.
ANNE: You cook?
MARY: That is so sexy.
ANNE: Mary!
MARY: I'm sorry. We're friends, I can say that.
LARRY: She can say that. No big deal.
ANNE: I know, I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just very old-fashioned about that kind of.... (Larry grabs Anne's water by mistake) No, Larry, honey, that's my water.
LARRY: BLAH!!! *cough* *cough*.... Excuse me.
(Anne and Mary look at each other in horror of Larry gagging on Anne water)
 
Back at Home
  (Larry's just walking thought the front door)
CHERYL: Hi..
LARRY: Hey...
CHERYL: Hi, I'm in here! Where're you going?
LARRY: Oh....
CHERYL: (laughing) What have you... What have you got there?
LARRY: Went to Barneys.
CHERYL: I can see that.
LARRY: Yeah, I needed some stuff, so....
CHERYL: A new jacket?
LARRY: Oh yeah. You like it? It's interesting, don't you think? It's like half-jacket, half-shirt.
CHERYL: (stunned) I've never seen you with shopping bags before. What made you decide to go shopping?
LARRY: I don't know. I was in the kitchen this morning reading the paper and... Mary called. And she said she was going to Barneys... and I thought, what the hell, I needed some stuff, so I met her there.
CHERYL: (suspicious) So you went shopping with Mary?
LARRY: She called up to talk about last night, actually... and what a great time she had, and I told her we had a great time. She says hello.
CHERYL: Oh, Okay.
LARRY: And I don't know, she just mentioned she was going shopping... and the next thing I knew, I said, ''All right, I'll go.''
CHERYL: That's bizarre, don't you think?
LARRY: Why?
CHERYL: I've never been able to get you to go shopping before.
LARRY: I'll go shopping.
CHERYL: No, you won't.
LARRY: I'll go shopping... Any time you want to go shopping, you let me know.
CHERYL: I've asked you to go shopping before.
LARRY: Maybe when you asked me, I had something to do, I don't know. You want to go, let's go!
CHERYL: Not now, you don't need anything now!
LARRY: Yes, I do. I could use some socks and underwear and stuff, a belt... I've gotta buy a belt.
CHERYL: Uh-huh...
LARRY: I've had this belt a long time. Um, I should have got that today. Oh, also, her mother was there, too. I forgot to mention that.
CHERYL: Mary's mother?
LARRY: Very nice woman from Arkansas... Very nice.
CHERYL: Um-hmm...
  (the doorbell rings)
LARRY: Who the hell's that?
  (Larry answers the door and It's Ted Danson)
TED: Hey, Larry.
LARRY: Hey, Ted!
CHERYL: (from inside) Hey, who is it?
TED: Hey, Cheryl.
LARRY: It's Ted.
TED: How are you?
CHERYL: Good, how are you doing?
TED: I'm good, thanks.
LARRY: What's going on?
TED: Well, evidently you and Mary switched bags at Barneys. This one's yours.
LARRY: Oh... Okay. She must have my turtleneck. Um... Alright, I got it, I think it's in the trunk.
TED: Great. That's a nice jacket. Mary's got the same one.
LARRY: Oh, Really?
TED: Yeah, matter of fact, I think she wore it today.
LARRY: I didn't notice that.
TED: (heading out to the car) Where are we, out here?
LARRY: Yeah.
TED: (to Cheryl) See you, good to see you, Cheryl. What a day, huh? Heaven.. Just heaven. So.. A shopping spree with the girls, Huh, Larry?
LARRY: Yeah. Where were you? You should've come. We had a great time.
TED: I kind of figured you more as a sports guy.
LARRY: Yeah well, Maybe you just figured wrong.
TED: Yeah, that's nice. (heading away from the car)
LARRY: No, hey, we'll go to a ballgame some time.
TED: That'd be fun, I'd like that.
LARRY: Yeah, great.
TED: See you.
LARRY: Okay, Oh, Paul Simon.
TED: Right, you know what? Maybe you should call Mary first, figure out what to wear. (Ted leaves)
 
Larry's Office
  (Larry enters and his receptionist is on the phone)
ANTOINETTE: (to phone) I gotta go.
LARRY: Hey, did Ted Danson or Mary Steenburgen call?
ANTOINETTE: No.
LARRY: Hmm...
ANTOINETTE: Uh, Okay, but, and I'm not sure this means--
LARRY: (interrupting) They invited us to this thing, this concert for Friday.
  It's Wednesday, it's plenty of time, right?
ANTOINETTE: Oh yeah... If they call by tomorrow, you're fine, right?
LARRY: Yeah.
ANTOINETTE: Hey, can you figure this out?
  Louis from the bowling alley called
  and he said to call back right away.
LARRY: Oh! (she hands him a note)
ANTOINETTE: What's that?
LARRY: The guy must be in with my shoes.
ANTOINETTE: What shoes? (Larry walks out)
 
Bowling Alley
SHOE GUY: Oh, , glad you're here. Right here, that's the guy. Those are your shoes, right?
LARRY: Yeah... Is he, like, a tough guy, this guy?
SHOE GUY: No, go ahead, I'm here.
LARRY: You watch this, okay? Don't leave your post.
SHOE GUY: I'm right here.
  (Larry walks over the the shoe thief who is sitting at an alley)
LARRY: Nice shoes.
SHOE THIEF: Thanks.
LARRY: I think they're mine.
SHOE THIEF: You're kidding.
LARRY: Kidding? No, they're my shoes.
SHOE THIEF: They're your shoes?
LARRY: Yeah.
SHOE THIEF: How can they be your shoes?
LARRY: How can they be? Because that guy gave them to you by mistake the other day.
SHOE THIEF: Well, that's weird.
LARRY: That's weird?
SHOE THIEF: Yeah... Wa-wa-What's weird? That he would give me those shoes?
LARRY: No, that's not weird. What's weird is that you would put them on. That's what's weird.
SHOE THIEF: That's--- Oh ma, It's not weird that he would give me these shoes?...
LARRY: No, that's a mistake.
SHOE THIEF: ...And  they're not my shoes and he gave them to me.
LARRY: Yeah, that's a mistake. That's an honest mistake. What's weird is that you'd take shoes that don't belong to you and put them on.
SHOE THIEF: Or even weirder that you left without even your shoes. That's not that weird,
LARRY: I had nothing else to wear.
SHOE THIEF: Oh, That would be... That would be, that'd be kind of weird.
LARRY: No, that's gonna be weird for you now, after I get the shoes back. That'll be weird.
SHOE THIEF: Oh, you want them back?
LARRY: Yeah, I do.
SHOE THIEF: Ahh.... a Okay... Wow... (he unties the shoes) They're comfortable shoes.
LARRY: Yeah, I know they are.
SHOE THIEF: He gave them to me. I don't know what he was thinking?
LARRY: He's a nut... He's a little nutty, isn't he?
SHOE THIEF: Yeah.
LARRY: He's a little crazy. He's just a little crazy.
SHOE THIEF: Those are comfortable shoes.
LARRY: I'm glad you liked them.
SHOE THIEF: Yeah.
LARRY: Okay. (Larry takes his shoes, and walks away)
SHOE THIEF: Oh, crazy, Jesus.
 
Shoe Repair Shop
  (Larry and Jeff walk into a cobbler's shop to pick up his recovered shoes)
SHOE REPAIR GUY: Hi.
LARRY: Hey.. Remember me?
SHOE REPAIR GUY: Sure do.
LARRY: Yeah, the shoes?
SHOE REPAIR GUY: I know the ones.
LARRY: How'd you do?
SHOE REPAIR GUY: Perfect.
LARRY: Good.
SHOE REPAIR GUY: I used desalter liquid with a scrub brush, and then I used a deodorizer spray. They smell like new shoes.
LARRY: No kidding. All fumigated?
SHOE REPAIR GUY: Perfect.
LARRY: So, I can wear them? All safe?
SHOE REPAIR GUY: Yeah, enjoy them.
LARRY: Thanks. (to Jeff) I'm gonna put them on.
JEFF: Please, do.
 
Sidewalk
  (Larry and Jeff leave the cobbler's shop)
JEFF: Listen to this: Smokey got me floor seats to Paul Simon.
LARRY: You're kidding, really?
JEFF: Yep.
LARRY: That's great. Ya know what? I still haven't heard from Ted and Mary. I mean... You know, We don't know where to go... where to pick up the tickets, we don't know anything. It's Thursday already and I'm gettin' a little concerned.
  (Just then the salesman from Barney's shoe department taps Larry for a stop and chat.)
JEFF: Want me to call them?
SHOE SALESMAN: Hi, I'm the salesman from Barneys, Danny. You ordered shoes.
LARRY: OH, The shoes! Yeah, yeah...
SHOE SALESMAN: How you doing?
LARRY: Good.
SHOE SALESMAN: They haven't come in yet, but as soon as they... they do.... (spotting the Campers Larry has in his hand) ...Those are Campers.
LARRY: Um... Yeah, what happened was, um....
SHOE SALESMAN: You're still coming in to get the--
LARRY: Well, let me tell you what happened. I was a-- Somebody took my original shoes that I had--
SHOE SALESMAN: I don't need to hear the whole story. You're coming in to purchase the shoes, though, right?
LARRY: I don't really need the um, the shoes now... because I got 'em back at the bowling alley. So...
SHOE SALESMAN: (now angered) Ah, you asked me to waive the deposit and I did that for you. You looked like an honest person and I trusted your face.
LARRY: I am an honest person!..
JEFF: He is an honest person. He's very honest.
SHOE SALESMAN: (to Jeff) This does not concern you. This doesn't concern you.
LARRY: I haven't done anything dishonest. I can't... I don't need the shoes anymore. That's not dishonest.
SHOE SALESMAN: Sir, you asked a favor of me and I helped you out... but as long you're taken care of, I guess that's all that really matters. This is really interesting..
LARRY: No, that's not what's all that really matters. That's not what matters. I mean, do you want me to buy two pairs?
SHOE SALESMAN: No..
LARRY: What should I do?
SHOE SALESMAN: No, I work on commission, okay? And so, now I'm put in a bad situation. All right? Ya know, I'm stuck with these shoes. And so, I can't even--
LARRY: How much is the commission? I'll pay it.
SHOE SALESMAN: That is so insulting. How dare you?
LARRY: That's not a ''How dare you.'' What do you mean, dare? I'm not dare--
SHOE SALESMAN: I am not a shoe whore.
LARRY: I didn't accuse you of being a shoe whore. I'm trying to rectify the situation.
SHOE SALESMAN: You cannot buy your way out of this situation. People like you are the problem.
LARRY: Oh yeah, I'm the problem. I'm the solution! I'm the solution to the problem, okay?
(The shoe salesman sticks his tongue out at Larry and blows... Like a child)
 
That Night At Home
  (Larry and Cheryl are sitting in the living room, very disappointed that Ted and Mary haven't called about the Paul Simon concert)
LARRY: This is outrageous, it really is. I mean, what kind of people invite you to go to a concert... and then they don't call you?
CHERYL: It's 4:30 p.m. Maybe we should call them.
LARRY: Do you know how awkward that is? I mean, they know they invited us to the concert. They're obviously deliberately not calling. How could I call them up and go, ''We're waiting for your call.'' And then they'll say, ''Well, we don't want to go with you.''... At least lie to us.
CHERYL: Right, something.
LARRY: You know, call us and lie! Don't let us sit here like schmucks!
CHERYL: Yeah.
LARRY: A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy. It's a little respect. This is very disrespectful.
CHERYL: Well, why would they decide
  that they don't want to go with us now?
LARRY: I don't know.
CHERYL: Did we not all have a good time with them when we went bowling?
LARRY: Was that fun? That was fun.
CHERYL: Yeah.
LARRY: That was a good time.
CHERYL: I mean, Did-- Did we do something to offend them?
  (very long pause)
CHERYL: (wondering what Larry was thinking) What?
LARRY: After Barneys the other day, we went out to lunch.
CHERYL: Right.
LARRY: And I took a sip from a glass of water. And her mother said to me, ''That's my glass.'' And I went *BLEH!*.... Like that.
CHERYL: Larry... I can't believe you're even acting like you don't know why we're not invited.
LARRY: I didn't think of it.
CHERYL: Unbelievable... Of course they're not gonna call us. Mary's mother? What's wrong with you?.. I really wanted to go to that concert.
LARRY: So did l, I like Paul Simon.
  (Cheryl and Larry are now on the sofa listening to a Paul Simon CD... the song "Still Crazy After All These Years" is playing)
PAUL SIMON CD:

♪♪ I met my old lover
On the street last night
She seemed so glad to see me
I just smiled
And we talked about some old times
And we drank ourselves some beers
♪♪

LARRY: (together) ♪♪ Still crazy after all these years. Oh, Still crazy after all these years ♪♪
PAUL SIMON CD:

♪♪ I'm not the kind of man
Who tends to socialize ♪♪

LARRY: ♪♪ Socialize.... ♪♪
PAUL SIMON CD:

♪♪ I seem to lean on
Old familiar ways
♪♪

LARRY: ♪♪ Familiar ways.... ♪♪
(together) ♪♪ And I ain't no fool for love songs
that whisper in my ears
Still crazy after all these years ♪♪
 
Barney's at the Mall
  (Larry decides to return the over-shirt to Barney's at Cheryl's behest)
SALESWOMAN: Hi, how are you? 
LARRY: Good, I'd like to return this, please. 
SALESWOMAN: What seems to be the problem? 
LARRY: You know, it's kind of half-jacket, half-shirt, half-man, half-beast. I don't know. 
SALESWOMAN: It looked so great on you the other day. 
  (The angry shoe salesman from earlier pops out of nowhere)
SHOE SALESMAN: Excuse me. No, sir, no, I'm sorry. We will not be accepting that from you. 
LARRY: Why, what are you talking about? Why not? 
SHOE SALESMAN: I know your little game, and I'm not playing it. 
LARRY: There's no game! What do you mean? I haven't worn this. I only wore this in the store the day I bought it. 
SHOE SALESMAN: I did a favor for you, and you messed me over once. I won't let it happen again. 
LARRY: When did I mess you over? I don't know what you're talking about. 
SHOE SALESMAN: You're so innocent. 
LARRY: I'm not diabolical, you think I'm diabolical? 
SHOE SALESMAN: I don't want to hear about it, okay? Here's the thing: I did a favor for you and you walked over me. 
LARRY: I didn't even wear this thing. I should be allowed to return this. It is ridiculous. 
  (Mary's mother, Anne also pops out of nowhere)
ANNE: Larry? How are you? 
LARRY: Good, how you doing? 
ANNE: Just fine. What are you doing here? 
LARRY: I had a little zipper problem. It's okay. Were you at that concert last night? 
ANNE: Yes. I mean, the box was entirely full. 
LARRY: Is that so? 
ANNE: Yes. 
LARRY: Did Ted or Mary say anything about me? 
ANNE: I don't think anybody mentioned your name. 
LARRY: Is that right? 
ANNE: Yeah. 
LARRY: It wasn't even mentioned at all? 
ANNE: I didn't hear anybody say anything. 
LARRY: Where's Mary? 
ANNE: She's right over there. 
  (Larry suddenly embraces Anne to give the false impression to Mary of his devotion to her mother)
LARRY: Mrs. Steenburgen! How weird to run into you at Barneys again. 
ANNE: Yeah. 
MARY: What have you got? 
LARRY: I've got a zipper problem. I was gonna bring it over there. 
MARY: I thought you were taking it back. I was gonna say, are you crazy? 
LARRY: I love this thing. 
MARY: It looks so great on you. 
ANNE: Yeah, I love that. 
LARRY: Can I ask you a question? 
MARY: Yeah. 
LARRY: Cheryl and I were.... You invited us to the concert and then never called us about it. 
MARY: The Paul Simon concert? You're coming with us tomorrow night. We're counting on you being there. 
LARRY: Sunday night? We thought it was last night. 
MARY: No, we went last night. He's playing three nights, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We were gonna go two nights, Friday and Sunday. We're fans. And we wanted you to come Sunday night. You thought that we'd forgotten you. 
LARRY: I thought that. I can't believe it. 
MARY: We would never do that. Tomorrow night. 
LARRY: So you're going on Sunday?
MARY: (to her mother) So are you. 
LARRY: (to Mary's mother) Are you going? 
ANNE: I hadn't planned to go. 
LARRY: No, you're coming. 
MARY: She's coming. You're coming, Mom. Momma, you have to come. 
ANNE: All right, okay. (they depart)
Paul Simon Concert 
  (Larry enter the special section at the Paul Simon concert, expecting to see Ted and Mary there but only to see Anne, Mary's mother sitting there)
LARRY: Where's Ted and Mary? 
ANNE: Bill and Hillary flew in this morning... and this evening was the only time they could all get together. They said to tell you they were sorry and they'll call you tomorrow. Where's your wife? 
LARRY: Allen and Pam from Philadelphia, her cousins, flew in. So she couldn't come. I guess it's you and me, huh?  
ANNE: Guess so.
  (As Paul Simon is singing "Still Crazy After All These Years", Anne falls asleep on Larry's shoulder. Larry seem very annoyed and disappointed with this awkward situation)
PAUL SIMON: ♪♪ I seem to lean on old familiar ways
And I ain't no fool for love songs
that whisper in my ears
Still crazy after all these years ♪♪
END