Porno Gil
season 1, episode 3

Directed by Robert B. Weide
Written by Larry David

Cast:

Larry David............................. Larry David
Jeff Garlin............................... Jeff Greene
Cheryl Hines.......................... Cheryl David
Bob Odenkirk....................... .. Gil Thilander
Sandy Brown......................... Dinner Guest
Paul Greenberg...................... Dinner Guest
Jackie Harris.......................... Dinner Guest
Melanie Hoopes........................... Gil's Wife
Mina Kolb....................... Jeff Greene's Mom
Nan Martin........................ Woman on Road
Louis Nye....................... Jeff Greene's Dad
Brian Palermo................................... Brian
Peter Steinfeld....................... Dinner Guest
Castle........................... Adult Film Star #1
Bianca.......................... Adult Film Star #2


Driving Range
 

Larry is at the driving range when a guy with a wicker hat (Brian), drops a golf ball directly aside Larry. Larry looks up at the man and notices his hat being held on by a hat string. Larry recoils in horror and ignores him. The man gives Larry a dirty look.

Cheryl & Larry at home
  Later, Larry is with Cheryl in the kitchen describing the incident...
LARRY: The cowboy hat with that bolo string, what is that?
CHERYL: Now, was the ball closer to him or to you?
LARRY: Very good question.
CHERYL: Thank you.
LARRY: I think it was, maybe, a little closer to him.
CHERYL: But you couldn't be polite, reach down and pick up the ball?
LARRY: I could've.
CHERYL: But that string...
LARRY: Same hat, no string... no question, I pick it up.
CHERYL: I don't...
LARRY: I see certain items, and I recoil in horror.
CHERYL: How's Jeff?
LARRY: He might have to have a bypass surgery.
CHERYL: Really?
LARRY: Can you believe that?
CHERYL: No. I thought he was going in for tests.
LARRY: Went in, they wouldn't let him out.
CHERYL: That's kind of scary.
LARRY: I know.
CHERYL: I mean, it'll be fine. Tell him I said hi and give him my best.
LARRY: Yeah, okay.
CHERYL: And, John Debellis called.
LARRY: I forgot to call him back.
  (on the phone)      
- Hello?...
- Larry...
- Oh, How are you, Gil? You sounded like my friend John...
- I just called to say hello...
- Saturday night?...
- I need directions. Just fax them. It's the same as my home number....
- All right, very good... Bye.
CHERYL: Directions for what?
LARRY: I dialed the number under John's by accident. I got this guy, Gil Thilander, at the golf club.
CHERYL: Who's Gil Thilander?
LARRY: I played golf with him like three times. He invited us to this party on Saturday night at his house.
CHERYL: Larry, we were gonna go out to dinner on Saturday.
LARRY: I told him we'd go.
CHERYL: Who is Gil?
LARRY: He used to be a porno actor like 15 years ago.
CHERYL: No, I don't wanna go to a porn party.
LARRY: It's not a porn party.
CHERYL: Please!
LARRY: We're not even gonna speak to him anyway. Ya know. We'll go in, it's a party. We'll just say hello and that'll be it. Listen, we'll go out to dinner, and then we'll stop by the party. We'll be out in 10 minutes. We'll say hello, and we'll leave. It doesn't matter.
Hospital Room
  Jeff is in a hospital bed, awaiting surgery.
LARRY: So you got some kind of blockage?
JEFF: Blockage. I went in for normal tests, and he said, "You're not going anywhere. If we don't get this cleaned out, you're gonna have a heart attack." They can tell ahead of time.
LARRY: (humorous smile with relief) Ha.. That's pleasant news. That's nice to hear, isn't it?
JEFF: Yeah.. You've gotta do me a favor though. I've got tests all week. Sunday, they're doing the procedure, okay?
LARRY: Sunday?
JEFF: Susie will be here all day Sunday. She will not be leaving here. The keys in the drawer there. Grab them,... I wanna show you something. Just trust me on this for a second... Get the keys. They should be right in the drawer there.
LARRY: Yeah, okay.
  (Larry opens a drawer of the night stand)
JEFF: This key right in the drawer here...
LARRY: (murmurs) Mysterious.
JEFF: Very mysterious... This key right here? My front door? I need you to go into my house, go up to my bedroom. To the left of the TV, there's a cabinet by the bookcase there. Open it up, move the linens, move 'em to the side, push on the back door, and it'll open up. Inside there, I have my porn collection. I have, seven, eight porn tapes, a couple of magazines, all right? I need you to get them out of there. You've gotta get it out of there, because if something happens to me...
LARRY: You're thinking like, the anesthesia, if anything goes wrong...
JEFF: Anything goes wrong... She's not a big porn person.
LARRY: ...and you don't want your wife to discover your porno stuff?
JEFF: She doesn't understand that.
LARRY: I am not embarrassed.
JEFF: I don't understand it either.
LARRY: That's your own deal, Repression Jones. Is there an alarm code, or anything like that?
JEFF: Easy... 99-88.
LARRY: I better write that down.
JEFF: In there, should be a pen and a piece of paper.
LARRY: 99-88. Okay.
JEFF: I can't believe you have to write it down.
LARRY: What am I to do with these things?
JEFF: Keep it in your trunk.
LARRY: What if I get in an accident on the way home? What about that? There's porn... The porn flies everywhere? ...strewn all over the car, all over my bleeding body. I am worried about the alarm code.
JEFF: Nothing's gonna happen.
LARRY: I'm no good with stuff like that. It's too technical for me.
JEFF: 99-88.
LARRY: The alarm's gonna go off, they'll be a SWAT team descending on me. This whole thing has "disaster" written all over it.
JEFF: It'll be fine, trust me.
LARRY: Your wife better not show up.
JEFF: I guarantee she's not gonna be there. She'll be here. I appreciate it, you're a great pal. Good luck. Try not to die.
LARRY: Try not to die. (as he's leaving)
JEFF: Try not to die. Thank you.
On the Road in the Car
  (Larry and Cheryl are on a back road in the middle of nowhere in the dark)
LARRY: Shit. I don't understand how you give directions like this.
CHERYL: I thought this party was in LA.
LARRY: I guess he's got... a weekend house or something. I don't know.
CHERYL: Larry, we've been driving for an hour. We're, like, in the boondocks. Why don't you use your navigation system?
LARRY: I don't know how to work it.
CHERYL: You don't know how to work it?
LARRY: No.
CHERYL: Then why did you get it?
LARRY: I don't know. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to have all the loaded things.
CHERYL: When were you gonna learn?
LARRY: I don't know. I thought somebody would teach me.
CHERYL: Why don't you call them again?
LARRY: They're not picking up. There's a party, they probably don't hear the phone. We left three messages already.
CHERYL: Are you even reading those directions? I'm looking for Jake's Way. That's all I'm doing, is looking for Jake's Way. You should be looking, too.
LARRY: I have been looking. These directions are shit, you know that?
CHERYL: There's obviously nothing out here.
  (Larry sees and old lady walking)
LARRY: Wait a second, is that somebody?
CHERYL: Don't pull over.
LARRY: Are you crazy?
CHERYL: They could be dangerous.
LARRY: (to the old lady) We're completely lost here.
Excuse me, could you help me out here? I'm trying to get to Jake's Way.
OLD WOMAN: I was wondering what you were doing out here.
LARRY: I think I'm a little lost.
OLD WOMAN: You're lost?
LARRY: I made a left at the gas station a couple of miles back.
OLD WOMAN: Let me just take a look and I'll steer you. (she takes the written directions) Let me put my glasses on. I can't see a thing without my glasses. Now... Take Lakeside...
LARRY: I've already done that, and then I got to the gas station. I made a left.
OLD WOMAN: Who wrote this?
LARRY: A friend of mine.
OLD WOMAN: Is he a doctor?
LARRY: No. I know, it's hard to read.
OLD WOMAN: Terrible handwriting. But I can make it out. You were at a gas station? Why didn't you go in the gas station and say you were lost?
LARRY: I wasn't lost then.
OLD WOMAN: You didn't know where you were going. In my book, that's lost.
LARRY: I wasn't lost, 'cause I'm supposed to make a left at the gas station.
OLD WOMAN: Make an L-F-T. Left. You're on Miller.
LARRY: I wasn't lost at the gas station. I'm looking for Jake's Way. I don't know if I passed it or it's up ahead.
OLD WOMAN: Jack's Way?
LARRY: No, it's Jake's Way.
OLD WOMAN: Jake's Way, I've never heard of Jake's Way.
LARRY: That's fine, I'll just get going.
OLD WOMAN: It's all right, don't be... Let's see, Jake's Way.
LARRY: You've been very helpful, thank you. Thank you very much. Can I just have the paper back? I have to get going. I'm kind of delayed.
OLD WOMAN: Don't get so impatient, please. I am getting a lot of hostility from you. There's a feeling of anger.
LARRY: There's no hostility, there's no anger. Can I just have the paper back?
OLD WOMAN: (she rips up the directions) Please! You snap! I hope you stay lost! (and leaves)
CHERYL: This was a wonderful night. I've always wanted to drive around in this area for hours.
LARRY: It's quite scenic, don't you think? And they have some very colorful characters. I enjoyed Baby Jane a lot, didn't you?
CHERYL: I'd just like to go home.
LARRY: I'm trying to get us home.
CHERYL: You're not trying hard enough.
LARRY: I don't know where we're going. I don't have any directions.
CHERYL: A good idea is just to keep driving around and around.
LARRY: I'm looking for the highway and I don't know where it is. What do you want me to do?
  (Larry sees an oncoming vehicle)
LARRY: What is that? Is that a car?
CHERYL: Yeah.
LARRY: I'm gonna stop this car. I'm gonna flag the car down.
CHERYL: Be careful.
LARRY: Hey. (standing in the middle of the road, waving the car down)
Hi. Thanks so much for stopping. I've been so lost. I've been driving around for a half hour here. I'm just trying to get back to the freeway to LA.
BRIAN: You don't recognize me, do you?
LARRY: No.
BRIAN: On the driving range the other day? You're the guy from the driving range. I was right behind you on the range.
LARRY: Right.
BRIAN: You wouldn't help me with the ball.
LARRY: The ball?
BRIAN: The range ball. It fell and you wouldn't help me out.
LARRY: You know what? My back was killing me, I couldn't bend down.
BRIAN: I didn't pick up on that. You were hitting the ball so well. You were swinging great.
LARRY: That's twisting. I could twist, I couldn't bend.
BRIAN: Two different things.
LARRY: It's a big difference, really. My God, you must have thought I was such an asshole.
BRIAN: I didn't know why you wouldn't help me.
LARRY: What kind of prick doesn't pick up somebody's ball?
BRIAN: I thought you could help out, but I understand.
LARRY: I would've picked up the ball if I could bend down.
BRIAN: It's your back, right?
LARRY: Completely.
BRIAN: Sure, I understand.
LARRY: I'm sorry, I apologize.
BRIAN: It's all right.
LARRY: Wait, are you going to Gil's party?
BRIAN: Yeah.
LARRY: You know Gil? From the club?
BRIAN: Yeah. I'm old friends with Gil. We've been buddies for a long time.
LARRY: So, can I follow you over there?
BRIAN: Should you go to the party with your back, can you bend over with your back?
LARRY: Yeah.
BRIAN: Maybe you should bend over and kiss my ass. Maybe next time you'll remember to pick up the fucking golf ball.
CHERYL: How'd it go?
LARRY: Good... Prettaay good.
  (phone rings)
- Hello?...
- We called three times...
- I have no idea, we're completely lost.
 
Gil's Thelander's House
  (Larry and Cheryl at Gil Thelander door)
LARRY: So, 15 minutes.
CHERYL: 15 minutes.
LARRY: Absolutely.
CHERYL: One drink. In and out.
LARRY: In and out. I'm with you. I promise, 15 minutes.
CHERYL: Okay.
  (Noticing an empty lot)
LARRY: How come there are only three cars in the driveway?
CHERYL: I don't know. It's very weird.
GIL: Larry? Come on in. Good to meet you. What happened there? I talked to you 15 minutes ago, you were 5 minutes away.
LARRY: You didn't mention that Miller turns into Jake's Way.
GIL: Jake's Way is not marked, there's no sign for it.
LARRY: You may have included that in the directions. Thanks for telling me.
GIL: (entering the house) Can I take your jacket?
CHERYL: Okay.
LARRY: Where is everybody? (looking around)
GIL: Right in there. Can I take your coat?
CHERYL: No... Thanks.
GIL: If you would take your shoes off. Right there.
CHERYL: Okay.
GIL: Thanks.
LARRY: (curious) Really?
GIL: Just take them off. It's just a custom my wife started in the house.
LARRY: I'll leave mine on, is that okay? They're completely clean.
GIL: It's not about that.
LARRY: Look, see? (showing Gill the bottom of his shoes)
GIL: That's not the point. Just take 'em off.
LARRY: (protesting) Come on.
GIL: Okay... You know what? I'll put this away, I'll be right back. Go on in.
CHERYL: What's going on here?
LARRY: I don't know, where is everybody?
  (surprised to see a group sitting at the dinner table)
CHERYL: What?
LARRY: There's people eating dinner in there.
CHERYL: This is a dinner party? Did he tell you this was a dinner party, Larry?
LARRY: No, he said "party."
CHERYL: We just ate.
LARRY: He said "party."
CHERYL: I wouldn't go to a dinner party.
GIL: You guys looking around?
LARRY: Great house.
GIL: Great place, my wife jokingly refers to it as "the house that cum built." 'Cause of my porns. I never made enough money to buy a house. Come on in, though. I'll show you around later. That's a collection... of small bottles, and I like them.
LARRY: It's very interesting.
GIL: They're not as big as normal. Come on in here.
(to the dinner party)
Hey, everybody! They're here, they made it.
LARRY: Hello. Hi. I'm so sorry we're late, hello. (extending her hand)
MELANIE: Nice to meet you. I'm Melanie.
GIL: That's Peter, my trainer.
PETER: How you doing? Cinnamon, his wife.
GIL: And next to them, Brian. You know Brian from the club, right?
BRIAN: Glad you made it.
LARRY: Thank you.
GIL: Next to him is Jackie and Paul.
CHERYL: I'm Cheryl.
MELANIE: Nice to meet you.
PETER: How are you doing? Nice to meet you. Sit down.
MELANIE: Okay. Honey, Larry is wearing his shoes.
GIL: I know.
MELANIE: Did you tell him the rule of the house?
GIL: He thinks I was joking.
MELANIE: Who is this guy? He comes an hour late, and he wears shoes in my house?
GIL: Don't bust my balls on this.
MELANIE: I'll tell you, we waited.
LARRY: I know.
GIL: Then we decided we just had to eat.
LARRY: I don't blame you.
GIL: No, let me fix you a plate.
LARRY: We were so hungry, that we had a bag of potato chips in the car... Potato chips on the way to a dinner party?
LARRY: What's that?
GIL: That's a mango chutney that I made with my own hands.
LARRY: I'll just have some of that, for, like, a dessert thing. What's in that?
GIL: There's a little bit of jalapeno and a little bit of Tabasco.
GUESTS: Tell us again.
GIL: I am not gonna tell.
GUESTS:: No, c'mon! Can't I ever have a normal dinner party?
GIRL: Can't we talk about stocks?
GIL: Can I tell a porn story? She's heard every one of them.
MELANIE: You wanna tell it?
GIL: You know what Tabasco's good for? Keep you hard.
PETER: Really?
GIL: Only you gotta stick it up your ass. I'll tell you how I found out about that. I was doing a scene and it was supposed to be a two-girl scene, right? Do you mind if I tell?
BRIAN: It's your house.
GIL: These guys have heard half these stories. I'm doing this scene, supposedly with two girls... and I keep waiting for the other girl to show up. I'm fucking this girl for three hours. Pounding, for hours. Then suddenly, after a couple hours... it feels like some chick's tea-bagging me, right?
MELANIE: You should fill her in on tea-bagging. Maybe you do, maybe you don't.
GIL: When a woman sucks your balls, she's tea-bagging you.
MELANIE: Or a man.
GIL: But... So I feel that, and I think that other girl's shown up. Then I feel her fingers on my balls, and I'm not even looking. I'm just so... I'm half asleep. But I turned around, it's not the girl. It is the biggest crew guy we got. He's playing with my balls. My wood starts going down, and I haven't even shot yet. And I go: I'm going down. And this guy goes, "I'll take care of it." He runs over to the craft service table, he comes back, his finger is red. Sticks it up my ass. Tabasco sauce! I stayed hard for another two hours... because all the blood just goes.
MELANIE: I keep begging him to let us use it.
GIL: I was renowned for being able to stay hard for hours. That's what I could do. I wasn't the biggest, all right? But I could stay hard the longest.
TRAINER: (spotting Larry's watch) Can I see that watch there? Where'd you get that? It's a beauty!
LARRY: Anniversary gift.
TRAINER: Can I see that? That is really sweet.
  (As Larry hands over his watch, Melanie suddenly announces deserts which distracts him)
MELANIE: Okay, everyone, let's have a little dessert. Everyone, please, in the other room. Bring your glasses, but leave your plates. Please do not touch your plates.
GIL: That was great, Mel. Thank you.
CHERYL: (disgusted and angry) I want to go home.. now.
LARRY: (joking) Maybe we can stop and pick up some Tabasco.
CHERYL: Do you think this is funny, Larry? I don't think you're funny. I don't think this is funny. I don't care what you tell these people. We need to go.
MELANIE: (to party guests) Sit down.
LARRY: (to Cheryl) I'll tell them we're leaving.
CHERYL: Yeah. I need my coat and my purse.
LARRY: Okay.
  (While getting ready to leave, Brian, the hat string guy, tosses his lighter on the floor next to Larry. Larry looks down, the looks at Brian. He bends down, faking a bad back, to pick the lighter up)
LARRY: My back. Oh, shit! I'm so sorry!
  (In the possess of bending down faking a back injury, Larry bumps into a table and knocks over and breaks a rare and expensive lamp)
MELANIE: (alarmed) Everyone sit down. There's glass on the floor. No one move.
LARRY: I'm so sorry, shit!
MELANIE: It doesn't affect you, does it, the glass on the floor?! Because you're wearing your fucking shoes in my house! When you walk through my door, you play by my rules!!! You take off your fucking shoes!! You and your fucking little soccer shoes in my house!!
LARRY: My feet have a tendency to get a little chilly when I take my...
MELANIE: (to Gil) Get the coats!
LARRY: The coats are probably a good idea. I would think.
MELANIE: He's a psychotic, get him out of the house!
LARRY: We're gonna get moseying... Moseying time?
MELANIE: Yeah.
GIL: Here you go, Cheryl. (to Melanie) Honey, you okay? (to Larry and Cheryl) Maybe it is best if you go now.
CHERYL: I think it probably is.
GIL: I am sorry.
LARRY: Let me pay for the lamp?
GIL: That's not important.
LARRY: I'll pay for the lamp.
GIL: I don't even know if Brian has another in his shop.
BRIAN: I don't know, they're really hard to get.
GIL: It was rare, we got it in Brian's shop.
BRIAN: Maybe I have one more, I'll have to look.
CHERYL: We're gonna take off. Goodbye. Nice to meet you.
GANG: Nice to meet you, too.
GIL: Goodbye.
LARRY: I am sorry.
MELANIE: Bye, Cheryl. Nice meeting you.
  (Larry and Cheryl are walking towards the car)
LARRY: What's the level of anger here? What am I dealing with?
CHERYL: I'd say... at least an 8.7.
LARRY: 8.7? That's not that bad.
CHERYL: No?
LARRY: I thought it'll be, like, a 9.
CHERYL: No, it was. It was up higher. Yeah, and then you broke that lamp... and that crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points.
LARRY: Pity points? Fabulous! I love pity points. So how do I get to a 7?
CHERYL: I don't know.
LARRY: I know I can't get a 6, that's out of the question. But we could have a very decent ride home with a 7.
CHERYL: You think so?
LARRY: Yes, I do. I'll tell you what, if we ride home as a 7... as soon as we get home, you can go right back to an 8.
CHERYL: All right, it's a deal.
LARRY: It's a deal? As long as I can go back.
CHERYL: Beautiful. Come on, we'll go home. Okay.
  (Larry look at his wrist for the time and notices he forgot his watch he left with the trainer)
CHERYL: What?
LARRY: My God.
CHERYL: What?
LARRY: Remember that trainer... who asked to look at my watch? He never gave it back.
CHERYL: Go back there and get it.
LARRY: No, come on. Don't send me back there.
CHERYL: We're right here, just go back in.
LARRY: I don't wanna do a double-goodbye. I've already said goodbye under the worst circumstances. You want me to go and do the double-goodbye?
CHERYL: Yeah, I do. Larry, I gave that to you as an anniversary gift.
LARRY: I'll call Gil and he'll have the trainer send it to him.
CHERYL: That is idiotic, we're here, just go in. It'll take three minutes.
LARRY: It's so awkward.
CHERYL: I'm not leaving here without the watch. This is stupid. Just go.
LARRY: I gotta take my shoes off now.
GIL: Hey, Larry, what's going on?
LARRY: I think your trainer has my watch.
GIL: He does?
LARRY: Excuse me. Do you have my watch, by any chance?
TRAINER: You know what? I do.
GIL: Go on.
LARRY: Also, I'm gonna need directions to get back to the freeway.
GIL: I'll go get you another copy.
LARRY: Oh, jeez, look at this. What a mess. Sorry.
GIL: That's okay, no problem.
GANG: Bye.
LARRY: See you at the store.
GANG: Yeah, so long.
LARRY: Nice to meet you.
GIL: Here you go. These are good. Just watch for the barn. You got to take a right at the barn.
LARRY: Right at the barn. Thank you.
GIL: All right, take care, goodbye. Say goodbye everyone.
GANG: Goodbye.
GIL: You all right?
LARRY: It was an accident.
GIL: Sounded like you knocked.
LARRY: No.
Back on the Road
LARRY: Okay. Is that a barn? Think it was too small for a barn. It looked more like a stable. There was a cow there, does that mean, what? That it could have been a barn? There's no cows in barns. There are cows on a farm. Are there always barns on farms? There's stables on farms, right? Not necessarily barns. I don't think that was the barn. I think we made the wrong turn.
Jeff's House
JEFF'S VIOCE: "Go up to my bedroom. To the left of the TV, there's a cabinet by the bookcase there. Open it up, move the linens, move 'em to the side, push on the back door. Inside there, I have my porn collection."
VIDEO: "Who is it?"
GIL: "Hotel security, ma'am, open up."
GIRL 1: "Thank God you're here."
GIRL 2: "There's a prowler outside. I'm really scared. I can hear noises."
GIL: "Take it easy, sit down. Listen, we've had some reports of prowlers in the area. What the hell was that? Come out of there with your hands out. Put your hands out!"
GIRL 1: "It's okay, it's my girlfriend."
GIL: "Looks safe. I'm gonna go back to the hotel."
GIRLS: "You can't leave us."
GIRL 2: "But there's other people. There's a prowler outside. You can't leave us."
GIL: "All right."
GIRL 1: "Oh, yeah."
GIL: "Come on. Yeah, you called security... you got it."
JEFF'S MOTHER: Oh, my God!
LARRY: Hey!... That's a friend of mine. Gil Thilander. I had dinner at his house... yesterday.
JEFF'S FATHER: You like that?