Interior Decorator
season 1, episode 5

Directed by Andy Ackerman
Written by Larry David


Larry David............................... Larry David
Jeff Garlin................................. Jeff Greene
Cheryl Hines............................ Cheryl David
Rose Abdoo......... (Carmen) Interior Decorator
Jack Gallagher............................. Dr. Lynch
Karen Maruyama....... Asian Parking Attendant
Kris McGaha............ Diane Keaton's Assistant
Oscar Nuñez............. Male Parking Attendant
Lisa Ann Walter................................. Nurse
Marissa Jaret Winokur........... Marissa Winokur
Nia Vardalos................................... Lawyer
Diane Keaton................ Diane Keaton (voice)

Elevator at the Doctor's Building
MARISSA: Hold the elevator! (Larry holds the door and lets her in) Thanks.
  The both of them get off the elevator. Marissa is walking in front of Larry, unaware that she was blocking his ability to pass her, frustrating the hell out of Larry.
Receptionist at Doctor's Office
  They both arrive at the doctor's office and Marissa beats Larry to the sign in sheet. She takes her sweet little old time while Larry, who has an important appointment, becomes increasingly frustrated. She takes her seat... Larry finally signs in....
...With his broke finger, Larry has trouble writing his name.
LARRY: I can't do it. Larry David, for Dr. Lynch. (he sits in the waiting area)
NURSE: Melissa Winnaker, or Winoker.
MARISSA: Marissa.
NURSE: That'll do it.
MARISSA: Winokur.
NURSE: The first door on the left. He'll see you in a minute.
MARISSA: Great, thanks.
NURSE: You're welcome.
(Frustrated, Larry steps up to the receptionist and complains)
LARRY: Excuse me.
RECEPTIONIST: Can I help you?
LARRY: Could you please tell me what time that woman's appointment was for?
RECEPTIONIST: Miss Winokur's, 11:45.
LARRY: She's after me.... She's supposed to be after me.
RECEPTIONIST: She signed in before you, sir.
LARRY: I'm 11:30, she's 11:45. Why aren't I going?
RECEPTIONIST: She was here first. She signed in first, we saw her--
LARRY: And my appointment is for 11:30.
RECEPTIONIST: Sir, it was just a few minutes before you. There's no need to get upset. We have a policy in this office that you are seen as you sign in.
LARRY: What is it, like a bakery? You pick a number... the first number goes?
RECEPTIONIST: It's first come, first serve.
LARRY: Why don't you have a ticket? We can all take numbers. Why even give out the appointments?
RECEPTIONIST: Sir, calm down, please.
LARRY: For this policy, you don't need appointments.
RECEPTIONIST: The policy of the office is, you are seen as you come in. That way, we see as many patients as possible in a given day. That makes sense, doesn't it?
LARRY: No, it doesn't make any sense.
RECEPTIONIST: I understand. You're probably having a bad day, you're in pain, but that is the policy.
LARRY: (to other receptionist) Do you understand this policy?
RECEPTIONIST: Please don't talk to her, she's busy. I get it. It's no Swiss picnic for me, either.
(Larry gets on his soap box and begins complaining to the other patients waiting)
LARRY: Did you hear that? Unbelievable. This is their policy, okay. First come, first served, it's unbelievable. Did you hear any of that? No, we heard it. We just feel like... it's not really necessary to comment at this particular time. No comment until the time limit is up. It doesn't matter what time your appointment is for. Anyone who comes in ahead of you gets your spot. That's how they do it here. I'm telling you. What? What do you have to say, nothing? People at doctor's offices can't talk, is that a rule?
(Marissa emerges from the doctor's office)
LARRY: Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you, but I did a nice thing for you. I held the elevator for you, so you can get on first. And then I was a gentleman, I let you out.
LARRY: You came down the hall, you wouldn't let me get by you--
MARISSA: I wouldn't let you get by me?
LARRY: You signed in ahead of me.
MARISSA: I was here before you, of course I signed in ahead.
LARRY: My appointment was for 11 :30, yours for 11 :45.
MARISSA: You know what time my appointment was?! Why do you care what time it was?!
LARRY: What were you doing in there for 40 minutes? What was going on in there? What, were you chatting? Talking about old times, what was that? It's not right. You're in a doctor's office, don't chitchat. Don't ask him how his day was. You know, let him examine you, you go out.
NURSE: Mr. Dobb, Lurry Dobb.
LARRY: That's Larry David.
NURSE: Mr. David, the doctor will see you now.
LARRY: That's very special, isn't it? Thank you.
NURSE: Thank you for your patience.
LARRY: Yes, it's been quite a nice time.
NURSE: Right here, Room 4.
LARRY: What's this, another half hour now?
Dr. Lynch'e Examination Room
(Dr. Lynch enters the examination room)
LARRY: (to Dr. Lynch) Can I ask you a question?
DR. LYNCH: Sure, what's up?
LARRY: What's with your waiting room policy? I don't get it.
DR. LYNCH: You're the first person who hasn't liked it.
LARRY: Nobody's mentioned this to you?
DR. LYNCH: No, they love it.
LARRY: You got to do something about this. I mean, it's really....
DR. LYNCH: I'll make a note.
LARRY: I've been waiting so long. I'm late for an appointment with Diane Keaton and it's important.
DR. LYNCH: Diane Keaton?
DR. LYNCH: What is that about?
LARRY: She's very interested in doing my script.
DR. LYNCH: Good for you, Larry. That's exciting.
LARRY: Yeah.
DR. LYNCH: The script that my wife read.
LARRY: She read it?
DR. LYNCH: My wife read that script.
LARRY: Really? Did she say anything?
DR. LYNCH: No. She read it, through. I saw her reading it.
LARRY: She's a good lawyer.
DR. LYNCH: Yeah, good lawyer. What do you got for me today? What's this? (looking at his finger)
LARRY: I jammed my finger.
DR. LYNCH: How'd you do that?
LARRY: You know the comedian, Richard Lewis?
DR. LYNCH: Sure.
LARRY: We had a fight over some bracelet in front of a jewelry store.
(Dr. Lynch start moving Larry's finger for symptoms)
DR. LYNCH: Yeah, how does that feel? You okay with that? How about that?... Yeah, it's fine.
(He notices a plastic knife as a splint)
DR. LYNCH: What is this?
LARRY: It's.... My wife made a splint.
DR. LYNCH: Your wife?
LARRY: It's a plastic knife.
DR. LYNCH: Were you at a picnic when you hurt yourself? ... Nothing hurts. You're all set. Lose the splint, unless you saved the fork and you got yourself a pair. ... All right, Larry, see you.
LARRY: Do I have to pay for this?
Parking Lot Pay Station
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Okay, that's $3. I need $3.
LARRY: I don't think I have any money.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Did you look in your little change thing?
LARRY: (opening his wallet) I don't have it, it would be in my wallet.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: My drawer needs $3, I'm sorry.
LARRY: You know what? My lawyer's here, my doctor's here, I'll be back on Friday.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Okay, I hear that all the time. I need the money.
LARRY: Can you lay it out for me?
ASIAN ATTENDANT: You don't have $3?
LARRY: I don't have it, I'm out of cash. (pauses for a bargain) I'm an honest person. I'll pay you back, I promise. I'll pay you back $5, okay? I'll give you $5 back on Friday, I promise.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Do you promise?
LARRY: I promise.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Will you be here on Friday?
LARRY: Yes, I will be here. I will pay you on Friday.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: I recognize you, okay?
LARRY: Please believe me.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: This my own money, I put it in drawer. Okay, you owe me $3.
LARRY: Do you believe me?
ASIAN ATTENDANT: (with reservation) Yeah.
LARRY: I will pay you.
LARRY: I will, okay, thank you very much. Thank you.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: ...welcome. (yelling) Hey, I remember your face!
JEFF: Yeah, she left. I kept her here as long as I could. What happened?
LARRY I got held up at a doctor's office.
JEFF: Are you okay?
LARRY: Let me tell you something, my days of elevator etiquette are over. I'm not holding doors anymore, not letting women out first anymore.
JEFF: I have no idea what you're talking about.
LARRY: That's why I'm late. I let a woman out first, she got in the office and took 45 minutes and--
JEFF: I don't know what to tell you. She said, ''I don't know if I can work with someone who's late.''
LARRY: She said that?
JEFF: She's not gonna do it. That's all, I don't mean to.... (Larry messing with his finger) What are you doing?
LARRY: I'm testing my finger.
JEFF: All right. All I'm telling you is, it doesn't look good.
LARRY: I can't call her?
JEFF: You know what? I suggest you write a note.
LARRY: I'm writing like Tarzan. You know, I can't.
JEFF: Well, try. It doesn't look good, that's all I'm saying to you.
LARRY: (pointing to a glass of tea) This her tea? (meaning Diane's)
JEFF: That's her tea.
LARRY: She's so perfect for this thing, too. Perfect.
JEFF: I know. We'll try--try. I'm not gonna give up. You want something to eat?
LARRY: I'm-I'm-I'm just gonna get going.
JEFF: All right.
LARRY: OH!... You know what? Do you have any money?
Larry's House
(Larry goes home and searches the refrigerator for a drink)
CHERYL: Hi, you're just in time! I'd like you to meet our new interior decorator, Carmen.
CARMEN: ...He's surprised. You don't tell him?
LARRY: No, I heard rumblings about it--
CARMEN: Relax, you are in good hands, believe me.
LARRY: Am I, really? I've heard that many times.
CARMEN: You have more skin color than I thought you would.
LARRY: Really?
CARMEN: Really, you're not so pale. I thought you will be so pale. He will look so nice in--
LARRY: I'm a very vivacious man.
CARMEN: She want the earth tone, Larry. I think earth tone is over.
LARRY: Boo on earth tones, that is so passé.
CARMEN: You want something to stimulate you?
LARRY: I'm a pastel man.
CARMEN: He's teasing you all the time.
CHERYL: Yes...
LARRY: I'm being serious.
CARMEN: I don't see the book I need here.
CHERYL: How was your meeting with Diane Keaton?
LARRY: I was late. She left.
CHERYL: So, you didn't get to meet her at all?
CARMEN: That's too bad, that's my client.
CHERYL: Really...
LARRY: Diane Keaton's your client?
CARMEN: She's very nice to get to have a meeting. She's great.
LARRY: Oh, wow..
CARMEN: For years, I know her.
CHERYL: I think there's a message for you from her, actually.
LARRY: From Diane Keaton?
CHERYL: Yeah, She left a message.
LARRY: You're kidding.
CHERYL: I haven't listened to it... but I was in the other room and I heard it.
(Larry checks the message)
DIANE: (machine) Larry, it's Diane Keaton. I don't know what happened today. I hope everything is okay. Listen, anyway, if you wanna try again, give me a call at home. My number is 310-276-*** 7. (message cuts out)
LARRY: ...What?
CHERYL: I didn't get that. I got the 310 part.
CARMEN: I don't know.
LARRY: The stupid cell phone.
CARMEN: The signal failed, that's what that's called. That happens with a cell phone.
LARRY: Oh wait a second. You must have... Do you have her number?
CARMEN: I have the number.
LARRY: Would you give me her number?
CARMEN: I can't do that, Larry. I can't give you Diane Keaton's number.
LARRY: Why not? She left it on the machine. You heard her.
CARMEN: That's a privacy thing with my client. I can't do that.
LARRY: She doesn't have to know you gave it to me because she left it on my machine.
CARMEN: I can't give it to you.
CHERYL: She doesn't feel comfortable--
LARRY: Comfortable?! She left it on the machine!
CARMEN: I am loyal to my client.
LARRY: There's no question of loyalty here! She's given me her number!
CARMEN: Let me explain something to you. I can't give you everything about her. I mean, Larry, that's a standard thing. That's why I'm with her so many years. I am sorry, I can't give you the number. I'm not going to give the number. That's not the way I work.
Larry's Car
(Larry's on his way to his lawyer's office talking with Cheryl over the car phone)
CHERYL: (over the car phone), you fired Carmen?
LARRY: Yeah.
CHERYL: That's great. so, now what?
LARRY: Sorry, I got to hang up, I'm at the lawyer's now.
CHERYL: Fine. (hangs up)
Parking Station
LARRY: Hello.
LARRY: Do you know.... There's an Asian woman who works here?
LARRY: Okay, great. Could you do me a big favor? I owe her money, okay? I owe her $3, and I wanna pay her back. I'm gonna give her $10. I'm giving her $7 more, all right? Just tell her that it's from the bald guy with the glasses.
MALE ATTENDANT: We can't take money from people.
LARRY: No, all you're doing is giving it to her.
MALE ATTENDANT: It's policy.
LARRY: What kind of policy?
MALE ATTENDANT: For parking we take the money, but not from--
LARRY: That's a policy?
MALE ATTENDANT: You can't give your friend money?
LARRY: That's a strange policy.
MALE ATTENDANT: I can't be held responsible.
LARRY: I'm not holding you responsible. Just give her the--
MALE ATTENDANT: Okay, I'm not responsible.
LARRY: You're not responsible, but I'm asking you to do me a favor. I owe her money, I might not see her, and I wanna make sure she gets paid.
MALE ATTENDANT: I will give her this from you?
LARRY: Thank you, and it's $10. It's $7 more than I'm supposed to give her.
LARRY: Forget name. Tell her the bald guy with the glasses. The bald man with the glasses is you? Unfortunately, that's me.
MALE ATTENDANT: It's a good look.
LARRY: Yeah, thanks. Anyway, thanks a lot. I can trust that you'll....
MALE ATTENDANT: I will give it to her.
LARRY: Thank you.
Inside the Building in the Elevator
(the Asian attendant rushes to the elevator)
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Hey, hold the door!
(Larry, with his new "policy" shuts the door on her but quickly realizes it's the Asian attendant)
LARRY: I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you!! I'm sorry. I gave the money to....
Lawyer's Office
(Larry sees she has a make shift office)
LARRY: What's this?
LARRY: Is this your new office? How come you're not in your office?
LAWYER: No. My office is being painted.
LARRY: Where should I sit?
LAWYER: Anywhere you want.
LARRY: (chuckling) As far away from you as possible.
LAWYER: That's very nice. Thank you, very nice.
LARRY: I'll sit by the door, in case you come after me or something, and I can run out.
LAWYER: Larry, I ran into Diane Keaton's agent. What is that? What are you doing?
LARRY: Well.. because I took so long in your husband's office that day... he kept me waiting for 45 minutes because of his ridiculous waiting policy that he has, I missed my appointment with Diane Keaton.
LAWYER: You know, she's angry. You missed the meeting, and didn't return her call.
LARRY: Don't worry, Jeff set up another meeting. I'll straighten everything out. I'm a master of supplication.
LAWYER: All right, that's good. There's something else I've to tell you. I can't remember--
LARRY: Oh, I have something to talk to YOU about.
LARRY: Um... Actually I got a bill from you for ah...$1,500. I thought I was all paid up and everything, 'cause--
LAWYER: Right. It's for reading your script.
LARRY: (scoffs) That's a joke, right?
LAWYER: No. What'er you... You're not kidding.
LARRY: Are you kidding?
LAWYER: No, I am not kidding. I read your script, I billed you.
LARRY: Wait a second, you read my script?!
LAWYER: Right, that's--
LARRY: ...and then you charge me for reading my script?!
LAWYER: I'm sorry, but that's standard practice. I think I charged $1,500, that's three hours... and it took me four hours to go through it.
LARRY: Oh really... I'm sorry for taking up your time.
LAWYER: You know what? Quite frankly, I should have read it, because it needs work.
LARRY: You know what? I am not interested in your creative input about anything!
LAWYER: Well I'm sorry to tell you this, but I also gave notes on it. I'm gonna bill you for that, too.
LARRY: Really?
LAWYER: Yes, I am.
LARRY: I'm gonna take those notes, and I'm gonna shove them up my own ass!
LAWYER: That sarcasm is not working for me at all.
LARRY: I'll tell you what's not working for me: YOU! You're not working for me.... and you know what else?
LAWYER: Am I being fired?
LARRY: You're gonna have a tough time collecting the $1,500. I suggest you talk to my new lawyer, okay? Try calling my new lawyer.
Parking Garage
(the Asian attendant sees Larry in the garage)
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Hey! Hey! Lexus man! I see you! Don't you try to run away!
LARRY: No-no-no-no-don't...
ASIAN ATTENDANT: You try not to pay me!
LARRY: No, I didn't.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Yes, you did!
LARRY: Listen for a second. I already gave the attendant upstairs $10 for you.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: You are lying, I want my money.
LARRY: Ask him.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: You saw me, you try to ditch me.
LARRY: That's not true.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: I'm sitting here and elevator, and.... Liar, the elevator!
LARRY: I didn't know it was you!
ASIAN ATTENDANT: How many people look like me?
LARRY: I don't know, a lot of people look like you.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: I know that face, that honest glasses face. It's the face of a liar!
LARRY: It's not a face of a liar! That's not nice and not true!
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Lying man! Liar, liar, pants on fire! What do you think, I was born yesterday? Come on, buddy, cough it up!
(Larry pulls out $20 and hands it to her)
ASIAN ATTENDANT: That's better.
LARRY: Got change for a $20?
ASIAN ATTENDANT: I don't have anything, because I gave my last $3 to you!
LARRY: I already....
ASIAN ATTENDANT: Thank you very much.
LARRY: You got $30 from me now.
ASIAN ATTENDANT: I have $20 now, $20. Yeah.
LARRY: Your friend upstairs has $10, too. $30 you got from me!
(he turns his head and it just so happens... his ex-lawyer is standing there)
Parking Station
MALE ATTENDANT: $2.20 please.
LARRY: Oh, my God, you know what? I gave the $20. I just saw Joanna--
MALE ATTENDANT: I remember you.
LARRY: I gave her my last $20 and.... I need the other $10 now. Excuse me, I'm gonna need the other $10.
MALE ATTENDANT: It's $2.20 for now, for parking. And then what?
LARRY: I already paid her in the garage. I paid her the money I owe her. I gave her $20. I owed her $3 and I paid her $20... so I need the $10 back now, because I paid her the $20.
MALE ATTENDANT: This is why I don't do favors for people.
LARRY: But listen, sir-- *BEEP* (car behind him honks)
LARRY: Sir, I'm an honest person. I'm telling you--
MALE ATTENDANT: I'm honest person. Remember this? You told me to give this to her? That's what I'll do. All I need from you is $2.20 and we done.
LARRY: But I gave you the money, so give it back to me. Let's pretend it never happened. Go back an hour and pretend this never happened, okay?
MALE ATTENDANT: Go back an hour?
LARRY: Pretend I never came in.
MALE ATTENDANT: When I don't want to take the money? You say, ''Take money to give to her''? I promise you I give her money. I need.... *BEEP* (to the car next in line) Excuse me, please! How do I know now that you pay her money?
LARRY: I'll get your money.
(he gets out of his car)
MALE ATTENDANT: You get me money. You never have money for parking. You have a beautiful car, but no money for parking. This is the second time you don't have money for parking.
(He taps on the window the the next car in line... but it... again... turns out to be his ex-lawyer)
LARRY: You think you can loan me $2.20? He's just not gonna let me out. I'm just out of money. (reluctantly, she reaches into her purse and takes out money) Maybe make it a $5. Great, okay.
LAWYER: Larry, don't touch my car.
LARRY: You know what? I'll give you back $10. I'll make it worth your while. $10, I promise. Thank you.
Diane Keaton's Mansion
  (Larry pulls up the the front door, Jeff is standing there impatiently)
JEFF: Where you been? You're late.
LARRY: I had problems in the garage with a woman. I didn't have money for parking.
JEFF: It's always the parking. Ya know, I'm convinced you don't want to meet Diane Keaton.
LARRY: I'm here, aren't I?
JEFF: Ya, you're here, but you're a half hour late. What are you thinking?
  (they rings the doorbell)
LARRY: (to Jeff) The guy wouldn't give me back my own $10.
  (Diane's assistant answers the door)
DIANE'S ASSISTANT: Hi, are you Larry?
DIANE'S ASSISTANT: Great, Diane's been waiting, come on in.
LARRY: Thank you.
JEFF: Hi, Jeff Greene.
DIANE'S ASSISTANT: Hi I'm Kim, I'm Diane's assistant.
LARRY: Hi, nice to meet you.
DIANE: Larry, is that you?
LARRY: Hi, Diane, I'm sorry I'm late.
DIANE: Don't worry about it, okay? I'll be right down. Make yourself at home, all right?
DIANE'S ASSISTANT: You can take a seat over here and wait.
LARRY: Okay, thank you.
DIANE'S ASSISTANT: Can I get you anything to drink, some coffee, water, juice?
LARRY: No, thank you.
JEFF: I'm fine, thank you.
DIANE'S ASSISTANT: Okay, just let me know if you need--
LARRY: Okay.
LARRY: Did she have an attitude, or is it my imagination?
JEFF: No, she had an attitude. Big time.
LARRY: She did, didn't she?
  (Larry notices a lamp that looks extremely similar to the lamp he broke at Gil Thelander's house)
JEFF: What are you looking at?
LARRY: That lamp looks very familiar.
DIANE: (off in the distance) ...Thank you! I'll see you in a week.
CARMEN: Okay, Diane, I'll call you when I get the material. Bye-bye.
  (Carmen, the interior decorator sees Larry, and Larry sees her. And they are not too happy to see each other)
CARMEN: (to Larry) Of course. When she told me a ''Larry'' kept her waiting, I should have known it was you. Listen... You fire me, that's fine. You don't have any taste... you don't want my service, that's fine. But you owe me a check. And I expect to get paid. So I want the check today.
LARRY: Okay, you should have gotten the check--
CARMEN: Larry, I don't receive the check. Please, I am a reasonable person. I want the check today.
LARRY: My business manager mailed it.
CARMEN: I want it now.
LARRY: You want me to write a check, now?
CARMEN: You fire me? I have a reputation, and I have a history with Diane--
LARRY: I don't have a check on me.
LARRY: Quiet down, will you?
CARMEN: You tell me to be quiet?
LARRY: Will you quiet down?
CARMEN: I'll tell Diane not to work with you.
LARRY: Wait a second, wait a second... You'll get your check.
CARMEN: Listen to me! Don't tell me to shut up.
LARRY: I don't carry checks on me.
CARMEN: (she swats at him) You son-of-a...
LARRY: Stop that!
CARMEN: (she grabs him by the throat) Give me my money
  (they start fighting... physically)
CARMEN: Larry!!!
LARRY: Stop it!
CARMEN: Don't, Larry!
  (the table with the lamp falls to the floor and so do the two of them and suddenly... they start making out)
CARMEN: (passionately) Larry, you're an animal!
  (Diane Keaton is standing there and watches this....)
LARRY: (looking up at her) Hi, Diane.
City Street
  Larry pulls in front of the parking station and sees the Asian attendant and decides to park his car elsewhere. He parks his car in a metered spot.... but he has no change. He begins asking passer-byers....
LARRY: (to passerbyer) Excuse me, do you have change for $20?
LARRY: (to the next person) Do you have any change on you? I need money. No?
(and the next) Do you have any change on you? Just a quarter? You can't spare a quarter?
  (suddenly, the ex-lawyer appears out of nowhere... Larry stands looking disturbed)
Doctor's Office Building
  (Marissa is in the elevator this time and Larry is rushing to get on)
LARRY: Hold the elevator, please?
  Marissa looks at Larry and folds her arms with spite, then closes the elevator door in time for Larry to miss it. Larry thinks fast and sprints up multiple flights of stairs. Running out of breath, he arrives at the hallway where he runs into Marissa who just got off the elevator. They battle their way to the doctor's office... Larry wins. He gets to the sign-in sheet, he takes his sweet time... just to aggravate Marissa... He gives her a smirk, and proceeds to sit in the waiting area.
LARRY: (to the other patients waiting) How you doing? Bad finger.
(singing to the tune of "Gold Finger")

♪♪ Bad finger...
He's the man...
the man with the Midas touch...
A spider's touch--♪♪

NURSE: Marissa Winnaker?
NURSE: Winokur? Dr. Lynch is ready to see you.
  (she looks a Larry and smirks)
NURSE: Room 8.
MARISSA: Thanks.
LARRY: I don't understand. What's going on? I came in before her, I signed in the sheet.
NURSE: You'll be happy to know they've changed policy.
LARRY: Changed policies?
NURSE: Now we see people on the basis of their appointment time and not their arrival time.
LARRY: But that's ridiculous... One person complains, everything gets changed?
NURSE: This was based on your idea the other day.
LARRY: I don't believe... Why are you listening to me? I don't know what I'm talking about. Nobody ever listens to me...
NURSE: So apparently, it's not about the policy at all. It's more just about you going first?
LARRY: Exactly.
NURSE: So, if you go first, whatever policy that is--
LARRY: That's a good policy, me first, that's the policy.
NURSE: From now on, you know what we'll have in this office? The ''You First'' policy.
LARRY: Thank you.
NURSE: Does that make you happy?
LARRY: Yes. That will make me happy.
NURSE: Right after today. Have a seat, read a magazine. Doctor will be with you in a few minutes, thank you.
LARRY: (to current patients waiting) So, you know they changed the policy, right? (to a new set of patients) Used to be first come, first served. Now, it's appointment. (pretending they're listening) Oh Really? That's fascinating, I didn't know that. No, it's true.
  (Marissa come out of the examination room)
LARRY: Ohhh.. Congratulations, she emerges. What are you doing in there for 45 minutes anyway? Are you okay?
NURSE: Lassie Maven?... Lassie? Ha-ha... Oh... I'm sorry, l didn't realize that was you, Mr. Doff. Right this way. Doctor will be right in to see you.
Dr. Lynch's Examination Room
DR. LYNCH: Hi, Larry.
LARRY: Hi. So what happened to the policy?
DR. LYNCH: We changed the policy after we had the discussion at the beginning of the week.
LARRY: Just like that?
DR. LYNCH: Just like that. M.D. ''Makes Decisions.'' What have we got? The finger, still bothering you?
LARRY: Much worse.
DR. LYNCH: What happened?
LARRY: I got in a fight.
DR. LYNCH: Wasn't the first incident a fight as well?
LARRY: Be very careful there.
DR. LYNCH: This is another fight?
LARRY: Yeah.
DR. LYNCH: And who, same person?
LARRY: No, an interior decorator.
DR. LYNCH: You're fighting interior decorators?
LARRY: And I also had an altercation in the hall with one of your patients.
DR. LYNCH: When's the next fight? Maybe I'd like to see it.
(squeezing Larry's finger, he expresses pain)
DR. LYNCH: Very sorry, and when I do this?
DR. LYNCH: Same thing, worse when I do this?
DR. LYNCH: You have fractured it. It's a hairline fracture. It's a small one, but it is fractured.
LARRY: Really?
DR. LYNCH: Ah-hum....
LARRY: So, what are we gonna do? What do you do?
DR. LYNCH: Well, I can't do anything right now. l can't do anything, Larry, until you pay my wife's fee... and my fee, in advance. That's the way we're gonna do this.
LARRY: Let me tell you something, okay, John? l didn't ask her to read that script.
DR. LYNCH: She read the script.
LARRY: She didn't have to read it.
DR. LYNCH: She did read it, though.
LARRY: Who told her to?
DR. LYNCH: She read it as a professional courtesy to you, as a friend of yours.
LARRY: That's courtesy? That's some courtesy. I'd like to get courtesy like that from everybody. I'll be in the poorhouse.
DR. LYNCH: You'd be lucky if you did. She took the time from her day. She made some significant notes on that script.
LARRY: Who gives a shit? I didn't ask her to read it. I don't want her notes. I don't care about her notes. I don't need them.
DR. LYNCH: Do you care about the finger? (angered) Here's what'll happen with that, pal of mine. Her money up-front, my money now, then we look at the finger. How do you feel about that? 'Cause that's the game we're playing now. (pause) Do you need a couple of minutes? 'Cause I got some patients l could look at out there.
DR. LYNCH: You know what? This is embarrassing.
LARRY: Yeah. You should be embarrassed.
  (Larry caves and takes out his credit card and hands it over to Dr. Lynch)
DR. LYNCH: Not embarrassed for me. (pause) Give me a few minutes, I'll be back, and we'll fix it. (long pause)
...Hey, you're gonna get miles.