The Wire
season 1, episode 6

Directed by Andy Ackerman
Written by Larry David

Cast:
Larry David as himself
Cheryl Hines as Cheryl David
Jeff Garlin as Jeff Greene
Susie Essman as Susie Greene
Guest Stars:
Wayne Federman as Dean
Lucy Webb as Phyllis
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as herself
Brad Hall as himself
Courtney Cronin as Jeff Greene's Assistant


Jeff's Office
(Jeff is on the phone with the camping associates and Larry is standing there...)
JEFF: (on the phone) Was it burned to the ground? 
- Are you sure it's him? 
- You're positive. Has he admitted to it? 
- It can't be that bad. 
- Look, no one was killed, no one was hurt. 
- No! 
- You know what? I got to call you back in a few minutes, okay? 
- I can't believe he did this. I'm very sorry, that's all I can tell you. 'Bye. 
LARRY: What's going on? 
JEFF: You know, I... 
LARRY: You got a tissue or something in here? 
JEFF: No. 
LARRY: Oh... What's all that about? 
JEFF: You okay? 
LARRY: Yeah. What's going on? 
JEFF: I sponsored a kid from the inner city to go to summer camp. 
LARRY: You sponsored an inner-city kid? 
JEFF: An underprivileged kid. 
LARRY: You're kidding. 
JEFF: No. 
LARRY: I'm completely nonplussed. Is that the right word? 
JEFF: I don't know what the right word is. I'm flabbergasted, I'll tell you why. He set fire... to the canteen and his cabin. Who does that?!!!
LARRY: Oh, my God! 
JEFF: That's insane. 
LARRY: Holy cow! That's too bad. You do something nice, see what happens? 
JEFF: You get screwed. 
LARRY: You do one nice thing. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done. 
JEFF: You're so complimentary. Very nice of you. 
LARRY: It would put you one up on me in that case, though I did try and stop a woman... who was about to get hit by a car, I screamed, "Watch out!" And she said, "Don't you tell me what to do!" I tried to save her and she screamed at me. 
JEFF: And that's all it took for you to stop helping people. 
LARRY: I got out of the nice business then. 
JEFF: I'm out of the nice now, after a fire. 
LARRY: Well now maybe y-you don't have all the facts and details. 
JEFF: I've got to talk to the kid. I've got to talk to the kid. 
LARRY: Yeah sure. You gotta talk to the kid, see what the kid has to say. 
JEFF: Yeah. I've got to find out. 
LARRY: In retrospect, it would have been better if... had he been a kleptomaniac or another kind of maniac... rather than pyro, because that's... 
JEFF: Pyro's a bad maniac. 
LARRY: Pyros... If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro is a bad maniac.
JEFF: Not a good maniac. 
LARRY: That's not a good maniac. 
  (knock on the door)
JEFF'S SECRETARY: Larry, Cheryl called. She wanted me to remind you to come home early tonight, okay? 
LARRY: Okay, thank you. 
JEFF: Why do you have to be home early? 
LARRY: We've got this wire in our backyard. My wife's obsessed with taking it down because it's ruining the view. She wants to bury it underground. To do that, we have to get signatures from adjacent neighbors. Five have signed on. One couple won't sign it, they wanna meet us first. You ever heard of anything so nutty? 
JEFF: Never. 
LARRY: Why are they doing that? 
JEFF: It's really wrong. 
LARRY: It's very wrong. It's so wrong. 
JEFF: Wow...
LARRY: It's so, so wrong...
 
Larry House 
(Larry is entering the living room, having just changed his shirt, Cheryl is fixing up the living room) 
LARRY: How's this? 
CHERYL: Oh that's better. That's better. Much better. 
LARRY: It doesn't look better. Does it look better?
CHERYL: It does. 
LARRY: You think they'll like me in this shirt better in this shirt? 
CHERYL: They will please... Please just do this for me. 
LARRY: I'm doing it. 
CHERYL: I've got to get rid of that wire. It's making me crazy.  
LARRY: Yeah... well..
CHERYL: What do you think? Does everything look all right?
LARRY: Yes. It looks fine, the house looks great. 
CHERYL: The pillows and the... 
LARRY: Who gives a shit? Looks okay, what's the difference? 
CHERYL: Okay, here we go. 
LARRY: Let's get this over with. 
CHERYL: All right, best behavior, please... Okay (Cheryl opens the door) Hi!
PHYLLIS: Hi..
CHERYL: Please come in. 
DEAN: (introducing himself) Dean. 
LARRY: Hi, Dean, I'm Larry. 
CHERYL: Hi, Phyllis. 
LARRY: Hi, Phyllis. How you guys doing? 
PHYLLIS: I'm finally in the house that Jerry Seinfeld built. 
LARRY: With his own hands, and some hammers. He actually worked on it, like Jimmy Carter. He can do that kind of thing. 
CHERYL: Okay, this is the living room. 
PHYLLIS: Is that Swiss coffee or vanilla bean? 
LARRY: I think it's Chocolate Cho-Cho. 
CHERYL: He's teasing, you know. Let's head outside. 
  (She walks them out to the backyard)
CHERYL: Let me show you the problem. There it is. That's what we've been looking at day and night. 
DEAN: Jesus Christ. 
CHERYL: It was like that when we moved in... and it has been bugging me so much, I can't even tell you. 
LARRY: I'm gonna get a divorce, I'm telling you. I can't take her anymore! 
DEAN: That's horrible. Tell me exactly what has to be done, because that has got to be fixed. 
PHYLLIS: That's horrible. 
CHERYL: All you have to do is sign some papers. 
LARRY: Right. 
CHERYL: We've taken care of everything else. 
LARRY: They put it underground. It's environmentally safe. 
DEAN: This has to be buried. 
CHERYL: Thank you. 
(phone rings) 
LARRY: Let the machine get it, it's okay. 
Hi, we're not in right now, so just leave a message. 
JEFF: Larry, it's Jeff. That kid that I sponsored, the one who set that fire. The camp called. They want me to pay $17,000 in damages... "ME!" If you know any lawyer who handles such things, call me. Call me anyhow. I'm nuts! 'Bye. 
DEAN: Okay, I didn't know who that was... 
LARRY: That's my manager. 
DEAN: I'm a lawyer. 
CHERYL: You are? 
DEAN: Yeah.
LARRY: Really? 
CHERYL: Did Jeff say he needed a lawyer? 
DEAN: I overheard that, that you were...  
CHERYL: Oh, my gosh.
PHYLLIS: Rutgers and University of Vermont, too.
LARRY: Holy! 
DEAN: Yeah, yeah..
CHERYL: Look at this. It's...
LARRY: ...Kismet. Is that what it's called?  
CHERYL: Yeah.
LARRY: You know what? I'll be happy to give him your number.
DEAN: I'm happy to help out. 
LARRY: Look at this. You got a new client. Did you think you'd come in the house and get a new client? And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday. 
CHERYL: Anything could happen.
LARRY: A lot of people sue me. I'm very vulgar and. you might wind up suing me. 
PHYLLIS: I would never sue you, no no no...
Can I ask you a question? (here it comes) Do the cast members ever come over to the house? Do they come here and just hang out with you by the pool and... 
LARRY: (annoyed) No, not by the pool, but they have come over, yes.  
CHERYL: They're friends.
PHYLLIS: Dean why don't you just tell them the truth about your biggest... 
DEAN: I'll just say it: She played Elaine on the show... Julia?
PHYLLIS: He's obsessed with her. He thinks she's the most talented actress in the world. 
LARRY: Ya like Julia? Ya like Julia? Yeah, she's great. 
DEAN: Okay, she's not just beautiful, and she's not just talented. She's sublime.  
LARRY: (more annoyed) Yeah...
DEAN: Tell me if I'm going over the line here... but it's always been a dream of mine... to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus and... just meet her in person. And if you could just make a phone call, make that happen, that would be so great.
LARRY: You know what? I would be more than happy to call her up. I can't guarantee. 
DEAN: It's so hard to get anything absolutely guaranteed. Like you want to get something buried, you don't know if it's guaranteed. You don't even know if that... There's a lot of papers to be signed. I agree with you there. 
  (there's a sudden silence...)
DEAN: I know I can make something happen. I don't say, "I think I can." I can make something happen. I just wanted to be clear that it's just a dream of... 
LARRY: (getting pissed off) I think you're pretty clear. 
DEAN: We have an understanding. This has to be buried. I'm going to give you my number. 
LARRY: (Even more pissed off) Great... Great.. 
CHERYL: Yeah, we'll do that on the way out. How about that?
LARRY: Yeah.
CHERYL: It's so nice to meet you guys.
LARRY: Great... Great.. 
PHYLLIS: Would you like to have dinner, too? I've got a nice casserole in the oven right now. 
LARRY: (sarcastically) Yeah, yeah. I would kill to have your casserole. 
PHYLLIS: Listen, I can wrap it up... 
LARRY: (really pissed off) I can't do it because there's something wrong with my stomach! Okay? I can't!!
CHERYL: Thank you so much for coming over.  Let me just, uh, show you out. 
 
Later in the Bedroom
LARRY: Fuck him! FUCK HIM!! Because, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is not showing up at his house. And you'll have to kill me before I call her to do that. And I will move, do you understand me? I will move before I make that phone call. Move! If you want to get that wire down, look for a house. 
CHERYL: Let's relax for a moment, okay? Take a deep breath. 
LARRY: What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that? 
CHERYL: He's a fan. 
LARRY: What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He'll go over there, she'll be so charmed by him... that all of a sudden they'll be friends? They'll talk on the phone, go out to dinner, go to the movies? Start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?!!!
CHERYL: Larry.. One phone call, one small favor to make this house completely perfect. I can't live with that wire any longer. I've done so much work trying to get this removed... 
  (removing pillows from the bed)
LARRY: Why do there have to be 300 pillows on the bed? 
CHERYL: Listen, please, I'm asking you. I don't think she'll mind. And she'll probably think it's funny. 
LARRY: Yeah, she's gonna think it's really funny. I really thought we had the deal cinched with the lawyer, with uh, Jeff. 
CHERYL: I know. 
LARRY: I-I should call Jeff and tell him about this. 
CHERYL: Wait wait, what time is it? 
LARRY: It's 10:20. 
CHERYL: 10:00 is the cut-off time. You don't call people after 10:00. 
LARRY: No no no, the cut-off time is 10:30. 
CHERYL: Larry they have kids. 10:00. You don't call after 10:00. 
LARRY: No no, 10:30. The cut-off time... 
CHERYL: Is that right? 
LARRY: Yeah, cut-off time's 10:30. Everybody knows that. It's a 10:30 cut-off. 
(Larry dials) 
LARRY: Oh eh, hi Susie, it's Larry. Did I wake you?... Oh, I'm really sorry... No no, i-it's nothing. I-I'll just talk to him tomorrow... No-um, I'm I'm really sorry... Okay. All right. 
CHERYL: How'd that work out for you? 
 
Back on Broadway Restaurant 
(Larry and Jeff are meeting for lunch) 
JEFF: Susie was pretty pissed off.  She's really upset. 10:00 is the cut-off, man. 
LARRY: I thought the cut-off was 10:30. 
JEFF: No, 10:20, you called, 10:00 the cut-off. If you called at 10:01, she'd be just as mad. 
LARRY: Is that right? 
JEFF: Listen, I've got a big problem. Dean, your lawyer friend, I don't think he's competent. You hooked me up with a freak. 
LARRY: He's probably a good lawyer. 
JEFF: I think he's a weird guy. 
LARRY: He's weird, but he's very shrewd. 
JEFF: Shrewd? He's a wire lawyer, (realizing) I know... I know... I know what you're doing. You've got me some expensive idiot lawyer, so you can have your wire dropped down. I know your games. 
LARRY: I'm sorry. 
JEFF: You screwed me with this guy, I know it. I wanna let you know that I know it. 
LARRY: Wait, first of all, I didn't even have to tell you the story behind that. See how he does, a few more days. 
JEFF: I wanna fire him. 
LARRY: You cannot get rid of him. 
JEFF: I have to, he's a freak. 
LARRY: I know he is, but please, if you get rid of him we're never gonna get rid of that wire in the backyard. The guy's a total prick, he'll do a good job, believe me. Pricks are good. You want a prick, and this guy's a prick.  
JEFF: Alright, fine...
LARRY: Look at you. You're a prick, you're doing a good job. Are you a prick or not?
JEFF: I am a prick. 
LARRY: In business, are you a prick? This guy's a bigger prick than you.
JEFF: I'm in allot of trouble and you're not taking this seriously. The camp's gonna charge me. They're trying to get me to pay. 
LARRY: I know. 
JEFF: Listen to me, that kid, he called me, begging me to come stay with me. He got kicked out of the camp, he wants to stay at my house. 
LARRY: You're kidding. 
JEFF: He said, "If I go home early from camp... "my mom will kill me, thinking I did bad things." 
LARRY: You let this kid stay in your house? 
JEFF: Yeah. 
LARRY: So, you're going to put up a sociopath for a couple of days? 
JEFF: He's not a sociopath, he's a good kid. 
LARRY: He burned down the canteen. 
JEFF: He burned down the canteen, and the cabin, but they were both accidents. 
LARRY: Got insurance? 
JEFF: Yeah. 
LARRY: Get the kid to burn my house, so I don't have to worry about the wire. 
JEFF: That I would love to do.
LARRY: Would you love to do that?
JEFF: I would love to do that. Love to do that.
 
The Weinstock's House 
(Larry arrives at the front door with Julia Luis-Dryfus) 
LARRY: Thanks again. 
JULIA: Listen, that's fine, but I have to tell you something. I've got 10 minutes, tops, that's it, because I got to get to school. 
LARRY: We'll be in and out of here..
JULIA: The whole thing. Okay? Really. 
  (Larry knocks on the door)
PHYLLIS: Who is it? 
LARRY: It's Larry David. 
PHYLLIS: Larry? Are you by yourself? 
LARRY: No, I'm with Julia. 
  (Phyllis answers... appears to be crying)
JULIA: Oh, my... Are you okay? 
PHYLLIS: (crying) Oh, my God. 
LARRY: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, this is Phyllis.
PHYLLIS: Weinstock, Phyllis Weinstock.
JULIA: Hi, it's nice to meet you. Are you okay? 
PHYLLIS: Yes and no. 
JULIA: Oh, dear. 
PHYLLIS: Yes and no. My cat died... Hhh... The cat died...
JULIA: Oh....
PHYLLIS: Please come in. (crying) OH, Please come in... please come in, sit down. Please, please, please...
  (Julia not too happy about all of this)
LARRY: Where's Dean?  
PHYLLIS: (suddenly sober) Ah, Dean's with Jeff.
LARRY: Wha'do ya mean... Why is he with Jeff? 
JULIA: Who is Jeff? 
LARRY: Jeff's my manager. 
PHYLLIS: Yeah, Jeff Greene. He's with Jeff. Um... They're uh, he called, he said, "I'll be home in 20 or 25 minutes. "Don't let them leave." I said, "Don't worry about that. I won't let them..." 
JULIA: I can't wait here this long, really. This is just bad timing for me. I've got to get out... (Phyllis starts crying again) Oh... I'm so sorry about your... your um, cat.
  (Moments later...)
PHYLLIS: ...Yeah, and its tail had been trapped... when the gardener came over... It had been trapped in the lawnmower... 

JULIA: God... Poor kitty. 
PHYLLIS: I don't wanna talk about Mittens. I've got a better idea. Hey, brainstorm. Phyllis has just had a complete... I don't know why I didn't think of this. Camcorder. I'm getting the camcorder. 
LARRY: No, don't get a camcorder.
JULIA: Please, don't... (to Larry) Okay, I thought that the husband was supposed to be here. Isn't he supposed to be here? Is he the one we had to meet? 
LARRY: Yeah, we're supposed to meet him. It's just another 10 minutes. I'm not kidding. 
JULIA: I have to get to the kids' school. This is just so outrageous. Do you know this woman? 
LARRY: I've met her once before. She came over to my house, I told you. 
JULIA: You are living next to... 
LARRY: Give me another 10 minutes with this lunatic. 
JULIA: She's a lunatic. 
LARRY: I know. She's a total lunatic. 
JULIA: Oh, God.
PHYLLIS: (with camcorder in her hand) This is good. Hi Julia. Talk. 
JULIA: (on camera) You know, I don't mean to be a party pooper... but I'm not really crazy about those camcorders. You want to ask Larry something on the machine? 
PHYLLIS: Okay, just let me get... (she pans to Larry) Okay... Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld... and tell me about... He dates those young girls...
LARRY: He's um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13... because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy. 
PHYLLIS: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles? 
JULIA: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fucking idea. 
  (Phyllis laughs)
JULIA:: I think that's enough. 
PHYLLIS: Dean's gonna love this. Uh, Larry?...
LARRY: You know what? I think... I'm gonna call Jeff, okay? 
PHYLLIS: Okay, good idea. 
JULIA: Your manager? 
  (Larry gets up to make the call)
PHYLLIS: Julia, I'm coming back to you. 
JULIA: (to Larry) Could you make it quick? And tell him I've got a time thing. 
PHYLLIS: Julia, over here. (Julia puts on a phony smile)
  (Larry is on the phone with Jeff)
LARRY: Hey... What time did Dean leave? 
JEFF: (over the phone) He didn't leave, he's still here. 
LARRY: What? 
JEFF: He's still here. 
LARRY: He's still there? What the hell are you doing over there? He's supposed to be here! 
JEFF: Well, I don't know. I can't kick him out, we've got business to do. 
LARRY: What do you mean? I've got Julia Louis-Dreyfus in his house waiting for him! 
JEFF: I gotta go, he's charging me... 
LARRY: Ah this is ridiculous. (hangs up)
  (Larry walks back over to Julia and Phyllis who is being sold some jewelry)
LARRY: Okay, we're gonna have to get going. 
PHYLLIS: Oh no.....
LARRY: Dean's still at the office. 
PHYLLIS: You're kidding me. 
JULIA: You're kidding. All right. Well that's... 
LARRY: What's going on here? (noticing there's some kind of exchange)
JULIA: (referencing the bracelet) This is so unusual. You know what? I'm gonna get this. 
PHYLLIS: Great! 
LARRY: What is all this? 
PHYLLIS: I'm an antique jewelry dealer. You didn't know that.  And I just got this piece, and Julia... 
LARRY: Can I see that for a second? 
PHYLLIS: Julia just fell in love with it. 
JULIA: I'm in love with it. 
PHYLLIS: I can't believe it. 
JULIA: I've got to tell you, I just love jewelry. 
LARRY: This is the same bracelet I was gonna buy for my wife... but what happened was, I got in a fight with Richard Lewis... I was gonna get this. 
PHYLLIS: I've never turned a piece of jewelry around this fast. 
JULIA: I love it. Thank you. 
PHYLLIS: I have a check from Julia Louis-Dreyfus! 
JULIA: That's so pretty. 
 
Larry House 
(Larry and Cheryl are talking about the wire. It's night time) 
CHERYL: I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll have to arrange another meeting. 
LARRY: Are you out of your mind now? Get Julia back over there? You think I'm gonna ask her again to do this? 
CHERYL: No, we're not gonna give up on it just like that. 
LARRY: I'm not asking her again. You want to ask her, you go ask her.  
CHERYL: No, you go..
LARRY: I'm not asking her again, that's it.
CHERYL: Larry, do you not even care about me? 
LARRY: I love you, I care about you, but I have a friendship with Julia. I can't impose more on that friendship. She's already done this favor for me. Don't you understand? 
CHERYL: It would not kill you to make a phone call, and ask her if she could reschedule. 
LARRY: (suddenly realizing his note are missing) Where's my pad? 
CHERYL: What? 
LARRY: (searching the couch cushions) I can't find my pad. 
CHERYL: Your little pad? 
LARRY: Yeah, my little brown pad. 
CHERYL: That you write your ideas down on? I don't know where that is.
LARRY: Where the hell is my pad? Jesus! What did I do with that?... Oh! I think I left it in Julia's house, when I talked to her about Dean. I took it out in her kitchen. That's the last time I used it. 
CHERYL: Well, then why don't you call her tomorrow, and you can ask her about... 
LARRY: I'm gonna call her right now.  
CHERYL: Wait, what time is it?
LARRY: It's ten to ten. 
CHERYL: What time is the cut-off? 
LARRY: It's ten... Ten minutes before the cut-off.  No problem, I'm right in there. 
CHERYL: No, you're pushing it. 
LARRY: I'm not pushing, two minutes is pushing. 10 minutes is not pushing. That's not a push. That is right in the wheelhouse. I have ten minutes before the cut-off time. 
  (Larry dials...)
LARRY: (on the phone) Hi, Julia. Oh, I'm so sorry... No, it's ten to... Really?... I got to tell you, I never heard of a 9:30 cut-off. 
 
Julia's House 
(It's late at night when Larry shows up at Julia's) 
LARRY: Hi.
JULIA: Hi.
LARRY: Oh, sorry about this. It'll take me two seconds, and I'll be out of your hair. 
JULIA: (clearing her throat) I don't have it, though. It's not here. 
LARRY: Well... Hi, Brad. Hey, sorry for coming over so late... but this pad is really important. You sure you haven't seen it? It's brown, it's got a black trim, no? . 
BRAD: I just... Hadn't had a chance to look around...
LARRY: I'll just take a quick look in the kitchen. I'll be out of here in a second. I'll just take a quick look. Also, I'm sorry about calling so late, but I thought the cut-off time... was ten.
JULIA: No, it's not.
BRAD: It's 9:30 for us.
LARRY: Most people have a 10:00 or 10:30 cut-off. 
BRAD: I think 9:30 with kids is great. 
LARRY: Seems like an early cut-off to me. 
BRAD: It's pretty standard. And for visitors, it's more like 9:00. 
JULIA: Yeah.... That's the telephone drawer, so there's not gonna be anything in there. And those are my notes, and these are my bills and stuff.
BRAD: I looked pretty carefully in here, Larry. It's not in the kitchen.
JULIA: Of course, those are cookbooks... Larry...
LARRY: Sorry, okay.... Um...
JULIA: It's definitely not... 
LARRY: You know, sometimes...
JULIA: Those are napkins.
BRAD: We'll look carefully tomorrow, Larry.
JULIA: And those are more place mats.
LARRY: You know, I'm gonna check the patio, because that's where we were talking. It may have dropped out of my pocket. (leaves)
JULIA: Oh, my God. 
BRAD: Want me to kick him out? 
JULIA: How are you gonna kick him out? 
BRAD: I'll make a joke. 
JULIA: Ya if you can make a joke, but don't make this awkward. 
LARRY: (Larry re-enters) Okay, I realize where it is.  I made a phone call in that office. 
BRAD: In my office? 
LARRY: Let me just check that office for one second. 
BRAD: You know, I was working there all day. It's really not in there.  
  (Larry starts rummaging through brads desk)
JULIA: Larry... Hey, c'mon Larry, what the hell are you doing?
LARRY: No, that's where I was sitting to make a phone call. 
JULIA: This is bad, this is not good. 
LARRY: I'm sorry, okay.   
BRAD: Alright, Let's just...
LARRY: And I sat here. 
JULIA: What are you doing? 
BOBBY: Mommy? (standing in the stairway)
JULIA: Bobby? Oh great! We had a hell of a time putting him to bed. 
LARRY: Okay, I'm sorry, okay. 
JULIA: Bobby, what are you doing? It's so late. Go on upstairs... 
LARRY: Did you find a little brown pad, it has a little black trimming on the side? 
BRAD: You know what? Larry, go home, please. 
JULIA: It's just so absurd! Go to bed, Bobby.  Bobby, nobody's angry with you. 
BRAD: Larry, go. Okay? Just go Larry, go! If we find it, we will bring it over, okay? See ya. (Larry leaves) What was that?
JULIA: Do you think I can call New York right now? I'm gonna call Seinfeld. I gotta tell him about this. 
BRAD: What's the cut-off on New York? 
JULIA: I don't know.
BRAD: About midnight? 
JULIA: Forget it, these are extenuating circumstances. I'm coming up in a second. I have to call Seinfeld, then I'll be right up.
BRAD: He's not gonna believe it.
 
Jeff's House
  (Larry shows up the next day. Jeff's house was just robbed... everything's gone)
SUSIE: (from inside the house) I just can't believe that I have to deal with this! He has ransacked our entire house! 
(Larry enters) 
SUSIE: Do you know what he took, Jeffrey? Do you wanna know what this little shit took? He took our wedding video, okay? You weren't even thinking! You know why? 'Cause you're a fat, fucking asshole, that's what you are. This is not my problem, this is your problem. Do you understand that? I'm pissed, Jeffrey! I am pissed, because my whole life is now in shambles! I've just had it with you! 
JEFF: Hey..
LARRY: Hello. 
SUSIE: This is all we need, "Mr. Wake me up in the middle of the night!" What the fuck are you doing here? 
LARRY: Jeff and I were gonna play the new computer golf game. 
SUSIE: Were you really? Let me tell you something, Larry. Jeff's computer golf game is gone! The computer's gone, the TV's gone, the new DVD player's gone. Everything's gone! My wedding video is gone because your fat-fuck manager over here... let an asshole kid into our house, okay? You happy? All gone! 
JEFF: It's not his fault. 
SUSIE: Whose fault is it? It's not Larry's...
JEFF: It's the kid's fault. 
SUSIE: No, I don't think it's the kid's fault. 
JEFF: I'm gonna get him! 
SUSIE: You're going to get him? Look at you, you're pathetic. And, Larry, by the way... what the fuck was that about, calling at 10:20 at night the other day? 
LARRY: I thought the cut-off was 10:30. 
SUSIE: You know I have trouble sleeping?
LARRY: No.
SUSIE: Yes, you do. 
LARRY: Don't know that. 
SUSIE: Jeff, you never told him about my trouble sleeping? The cut-off is 10:00! 10:00. A lot of things to do during the day. Once I go to sleep, then I have to take a Xanax! I was crazy that night, okay? 
LARRY: You have a 10:00 cut-off, okay. It seems reasonable, a 10:00 cut-off.
SUSIE: Please respect that. While I'm on the subject... who is this schmuck, fuck-face lawyer you set us up with?
LARRY: I could see how one could interpret that as a serious error in judgment.
SUSIE: That's quite correct. That's even an understatement, because that guy is costing us, how much money? How much is he costing us? 
JEFF: Just things..  
SUSIE: Larry, should I be upset about this?
JEFF: They're just things. We can replace everything.
SUSIE: I don't know. There's things we can't replace, like my grandmother's brooch... from Russia.  
LARRY: Did he take it?
SUSIE: I don't know. I'm gonna check that right now. She brought it over from Russia, from a pogrom. She was in steerage. If that's gone, I'm gonna be hysterical. She worked hard all her life to give that to me!
JEFF:  I'm sorry you walked in on this. 
LARRY: No, don't be...
JEFF: No no no no. Don't, please. 
LARRY: No no, Goodbye. 
JEFF: No, please, I'm begging you. Just stay here. 
LARRY: I can't stay here. 
JEFF: No, trust me. I'll tell you what... That fucking brooch better not be missing.
SUSIE: It's gone, you fucking, motherfucking... I'll kill you, Jeff! You're a cocksucker, motherfucker! My grandmother's brooch is missing. I could not replace this item. What if something you cared about was missing? You don't give a shit about anything! 
JEFF: My baseball cards. 
SUSIE: All right. See? Now, it's not so funny anymore. Mickey Mantle might not be there. Like the fucking 3-year-old that you are. "I don't care about the money." 
JEFF: Will you shut up? 
SUSIE: Oh, Fuck you! 
 
Larry's House 
(Larry's just walking in the door) 
CHERYL: (from upstairs) Larry? Hi.. Oh oh Stay right there. I wanna show you something. 
LARRY: You got my pad? 
CHERYL: No no no, it's even better. You won't believe this. I went by that jewelry store on Wilshire and I found that bracelet. Can you believe it? 
LARRY: This thing? 
CHERYL: Yeah, is that unbelievable?  
LARRY: The same store. That's where Julia... I don't get it. 
CHERYL: I was so excited, I bought it at once. 
LARRY: What are they, knocking these things off? 
CHERYL: Listen, I gotta get ready. I've got a meeting. Will you put that away for me? 
LARRY: I can't find that pad anywhere. I went to Starbucks, they don't have it. I went to the gas station. 
CHERYL: I'll help you look when I get back, 'bye. 
LARRY: 'Bye. (Cheryl leaves. Larry puts the bracelet on the shelf near the front door)
 (Moments later, Julia arrives)
LARRY: Hey..
JULIA: Hi...
LARRY: (door bell rings) Hi, come on in. 
JULIA: How are you? 
LARRY: Good. How are you doing? 
JULIA: I'm okay. 
LARRY: Hey, listen... I am so sorry about last night. That was just so insane. I completely apologize. That was crazy, but that pad was just so important. It has nine months of ideas in there. It's like I've wasted nine months of my life. 
JULIA: When you were looking around last night... Lar, did you see my bracelet? Because I can't find my bracelet. You know the bracelet that you like?
LARRY: Yeah... yeah..
JULIA: You didn't see it?
  (Julia sees Cheryl's bracelet on the shelf) 
LARRY: No, but you know what's interesting? Cheryl actually was just... 
JULIA: (picking up the bracelet) Jesus Christ. 
LARRY: This really looks bad, I know it does. 
JULIA: This is my bracelet.
LARRY: That's the same... Cheryl bought the same bracelet that you...  
JULIA: Oh, Larry...
LARRY: Julia, I swear to you, I didn't...
JULIA: Why are you doing this? 
LARRY: I'm not doing anything, I didn't take your bracelet. That's Cheryl's bracelet, Julia.  
JULIA: You keep the bracelet now. I don't want it in my house. I don't want...
(Suddenly, Dean Weinstock pops in) 
LARRY: Hey, Dean!.. Come on in... Dean, look, it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Remember? This is Dean! We went over to his house the other day. It's Julia. 
  (Julia looks at Weinstock with disgust)
DEAN: This is fantastic. I can't believe we're actually meeting. This is great. 
JULIA: You were supposed to come the other day, and you didn't show up? Okay, can I tell you something, my friend?  
DEAN: Yeah, tell me..
JULIA: When you make appointments, keep it! Because now I'm busy, and I can't talk to you anymore... Keep your appointments.
(Julia leaves in a huff) 
DEAN: I think I'm nauseous. She's certainly a lot different on television. 
LARRY: Hey, you know what? She's mad at me, not you. Don't take that personally. That has nothing to do with you, okay? Nothing... It's me. The point is, you met her. You met Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Come on, you met Julia. That's what you wanted, you met her. Isn't that fantastic? I think that's great. 
DEAN: That was terrible. That was maybe an encounter, but that's not a meeting. 
LARRY: I don't know why you're quibbling about semantics here. You did meet. It was an unpleasant meeting, it wasn't a long meeting... but it was, nevertheless, a meeting. 
DEAN: Okay, we have a divergence of opinion. This happens all the time in law. It's like one person sees it one way, another person sees it another way. You saw that as a meeting. I just saw that as a horrible moment in my life. 
LARRY: Okay, get out. (opens the door)
DEAN: There was a reason I came over.
LARRY: Thank you. Thank you (giving him the bums rush)
DEAN: I found this.
  (hands Larry his brown note pad)
DEAN: Does that look familiar at all to you? Is that...
LARRY: Yeah, where'd you get this?
DEAN: It was in my house, under a cushion by the chair... I was just wondering if that was yours. 
LARRY: Ah, Yeah... Thank you. 
DEAN: There's a reward involved in that. Look right in the front part. It says, "$500 to the person who returns this to L. David." I put two and two together and thought the "L" stood for Larry. Is that right? 
LARRY: I'll get a check, Sherlock. 
DEAN: Perfect, check is fine. 
LARRY: Maybe you can get yourself a new sweater.
DEAN:  It's "E-I."... Weinstock. 
 
Backyard 
(Larry and Cheryl are seen sitting on lawn chairs reading... and the wire still hanging there) 

END