Beloved Aunt
season 1, episode 8

Directed by Robert B. Weide
Written by Larry David

Cast:
Larry David as Larry David
Cheryl Hines as Cheryl David
Jeff Garlin as Jeff Greene
Susie Essman as Susie Greene

Regulars:

Paul Dooley as Cheryl's Father
Julie Payne as Cheryl's Mother
Kaitlin Olson as Cheryl's Sister Becky
Craig Anton as Sister's Boyfriend Craig
Mina Kolb as Jeff Greene's Mom
Louis Nye as Jeff Greene's Dad
Extras:
Julie Claire as Sunglasses Salesgirl
Paul Goebel as Gas Station Attendant
Scott Butler as Man at Gas Station
Regan Burns as Security Guard
Karen-Eileen Gordon as Female Hotel Clerk

   

Funeral Parlor
  (At the wake, family members and friends are lined up to give their condolences)
WOAMN: I'm so sorry.
CHERYL: Thank you so much for coming. It's so good to see you.
CHERYL'S FATHER: Thank you so much.
CHERYL'S MOTHER: Thank you.
BECKY: Oh, gosh, thank you.
  (Larry is seen adjusting the air conditioning)
GLADYS: Larry, I'm so sorry about your aunt.
LARRY: Oh, You know what? It was Cheryl's aunt. But thank you.
GLADYS'S HUSBAND: Did you fly in from Florida?
LARRY: No no no, her sister and her sister's boyfriend and her parents flew in. I live here.
GLADYS'S HUSBAND: I see... Our condolences.
  (Becky, Cheryl's sister's boyfriend, Craig, strolls up to Larry to chat...)
CRAIG: Nice service.
LARRY: Yeah.
CRAIG: Thanks for the hotel room. I appreciate that.
LARRY: Please, my pleasure.
CRAIG: It's ah-- I was gonna ask you, is that mini bar... Is that included with the whole thing?
LARRY: Sure, whatever you want. Great.
CRAIG: Ah, great.
LARRY: Yeah, sure. Help yourself. Some M&Ms, Toblerone.
CRAIG: I don't drink.
LARRY: It's chocolate.
CRAIG: How's uh, how's Cheryl holding up?
LARRY: I think she's okay.
CRAIG: Yeah.
LARRY: Yeah... Cut my finger this morning trying to put that uh-- Make a hole in my belt. I must have lost weight or something. It's killing me.
CRAIG: Well uh... Good family.
LARRY: Yeah, they're very nice.
CRAIG: Becky's a nice girl, right?
LARRY: Becky? Yeah. She's a doll, she's really sweet.
CRAIG: How long did you date before... you and Cheryl got married?
LARRY: Not that long, Really. We were friends for a while and then after we had intercourse, we got married very quickly.
CRAIG: Becky really wants to get married, and uh, I'm just not-- I'm not into it. And uh, the day that we got the call, we was gonna break up... I was over there to break up with Becky.
LARRY: Holy cow, so you flew out here and you wanted to already be free.
CRAIG: I missed it... by five-- five minutes.
LARRY: Oh my gosh. And then you couldn't do it..after she killed herself.
CRAIG: No... What do think would be the appropriate time for somebody to wait till they...
LARRY: Uh huh
CRAIG: ...till I tell her?
LARRY:  If it was her mother, I'd ask you to go back on the plane and wait... maybe six days, a week. For an aunt? For an aunt who doesn't even live where you live... who you don't see that often... I think you could do it when you get home... when you get back to Florida.
CRAIG: What should I say?
LARRY: Just tell her you're not happy. That's very good, that works. I've never actually used it myself, but I think it works.
CRAIG: Okay...
LARRY: What is it? have I got a breath problem? (noticing Craig pulling back) What--
CRAIG: No, I thought I saw a bug, that's creepy.
LARRY: Well listen, we never had this conversation, by the way.
CRAIG: No.
LARRY: Okay?
CRAIG: I won't say anything.
  (Larry swats a fly on his coat)
CRAIG: Thanks for your advice.
  (Larry walks back over to the reception line where Cheryl and her family are)
LARRY: I think I got the heat... turned down a bit.
CHERYL: What were you and Craig talking about?
LARRY: Louise.
BECKY: Is he okay?
LARRY: Oh yeah.
BECKY: You would be very surprised how broken up he is about this. He's been very quiet for several days.
CHERYL'S MOTHER: That's so sweet.
CHERYL: The service was wonderful, wasn't it?
CHERYL'S FATHER: Yeah, it worked out nicely.
CHERYL: Oh, thank you.
LARRY: You know? Hey, listen, you guys. I want you to know if you want to stay a couple of extra days in the house, that's fine, don't worry about it. You could stay another day in the hotel.
BECKY: That's really nice. Stay there a night or two.
LARRY: Yeah, one night.
CHERYL'S FATHER: That would be nice, because we hate flying. Neither of us like to fly.
LARRY: Yeah, hey, nobody likes to fly. I don't even like to drive. And I don't like walking. So, occasionally, I don't really know what mode of transportation to...
CHERYL: Okay...
CHERYL'S FATHER: I don't know if we can do anything about this... but we were a little upset that there was no obituary.
CHERYL: Oh wow, I didn't even think of that.
CHERYL'S MOTHER: Like she didn't have a life out here.
CHERYL'S FATHER: It sort of makes it real.
LARRY: My friend, my manager actually knows somebody at the paper.I'll bet I could get something in there for you.
CHERYL'S FATHER: That would be so good.
BECKY: That'd be really sweet.
LARRY: You know what? I'll write it myself. I'll take care of the whole thing. No problem. If there's anything you want to add, tell me, I'll get it in.
CHERYL'S MOTHER: It's not gonna be funny, is it?
CHERYL: Mom, please.
CHERYL'S MOTHER: That's what he does.
LARRY: No, it's not gonna be funny. It'll be very tasteful and appropriate. It'll be fine.
CHERYL'S FATHER: He's a writer, he can do anything.
CHERYL: Thank you so much.
CHERYL'S MOTHER: We love you, Larry.
LARRY: I love you, too.
 
Restaurant
  (Jeff is sitting at a table and Larry shows up... late... still in his black and white suit.)
LARRY: Hey..
JEFF: Hey...
LARRY: Sorry I'm late.
JEFF: It's understandable.
LARRY: It's very hard to extricate myself from mourners.
JEFF: Why are you still wearing the tie? You don't have to wear it anymore.
LARRY: I don't know.
JEFF: If I didn't have to, I wouldn't.
LARRY: Well, I mean, once you've got the outfit on, you might as well wear it to its completion. Maintain the outfit.
JEFF: "To its completion."
LARRY: Yeah. Hey, so you think you can take care of this, this obituary thing?
JEFF: Done deal, man.
LARRY: Really?
JEFF: 4:00 is the deadline.
LARRY: Great.
JEFF: You get it to me by 4:00 and I'll fax it over to him.
LARRY: Thanks so much.
JEFF: No problem.
LARRY: Very nice of you.
JEFF: Yeah, well, it's my pleasure.
LARRY: That'll score some big points with the family.
JEFF: How did she die?
LARRY: Killed herself.
JEFF: No, she didn't.
LARRY: Killed herself--
JEFF: Why?
LARRY: Why? Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't that?
JEFF: That's really rude. .
LARRY: I mean, if you leave your house for 10 minutes to get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.
JEFF: I leave my wife a note to let my wife know before I go anywhere
LARRY: Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note? I don't know.
JEFF: Uh, my mom's in town with my dad. It's her birthday. It'd be great, considering all that's gone down between you and my parents if, for my mom's birthday, you got her a little gift. A little something. Doesn't matter what it is, it's a nice gesture. It really is.
LARRY: Any ideas?
JEFF: No.
LARRY: Okay.
JEFF: Good.
LARRY: Hey, let's do this obituary thing, okay?
JEFF: Alright
LARRY: You have a pad?
JEFF: Yeah, I got a pad.
LARRY: Okay. (Jeff starts taking dictations) Um, "Louise Hoenin, H-O-E-N-l-N, devoted sister, beloved aunt, died of undisclosed causes..."
 
The David's House
CHERYL'S DAD: It only took us about 20 minutes, door to door. Did very well.
MALE FAMILY MEMBER: Yeah, that's unusual.
CHERYL'S FATHER: I wasn't worried because I have unlimited mileage on my rental car. I wouldn't care how long it was.
MALE FAMILY MEMBER: That's good. We were surprised the freeway was virtually empty.
CHERYL: You can really get stuck in traffic for hours.
CHERYL'S FATHER: Yeah.
LARRY: Sometimes it gets so bad you can hardly breathe.
BARBARA: That's for sure.
CHERYL'S FATHER: I'm glad I don't live here. Do you think Becky's coming down soon?
CHERYL'S MOTHER: Oh, I think so. She's been on the phone all morning with her boyfriend... well, now her ex-boyfriend. He broke up with her last night and uh--
CHERYL: Isn't that awful, Larry?
WOMAN MEMBER: What kind of timing... It's unbelievable.
CHERYL: Lousy.
CHERYL'S FATHER: Anyway, I have the unlimited mileage--
LARRY: (to Cheryl) So I think I'm gonna go out for a while. Is that okay?
CHERYL: Where are you going?
LARRY: I was thinking about playing some golf.
CHERYL: Are you joking?
LARRY: Well, I'm not contributing anything. I'm detracting.
CRAIG: Yes, you are.
LARRY: I'm a minus here, I'm not a plus.
CHERYL: If your aunt died, I would be right by your side to support you.
LARRY: Hey, if my aunt killed herself, I would be encouraging you to leave the house. I'd say, "Go, have some fun. You don't have to stay here and mourn." I would keep you around to mourn?
CHERYL: You're not going golfing.
CHERYL'S FATHER: (to the family) Well, I know we're all going to miss Louise.
LARRY: Oh Yeah.
CHERYL: Very much so.
CHERYL'S FATHER: But we have to continue.
GLADYS: We must go on.
LARRY: We must go on. Can't go on. Must go on.
CHERYL'S FATHER: Well you know, laughter is a great healer and you've gotta have a smile. You get over a lot of things that way.
LARRY: Yeah, I once performed for Norman Cousins in his hospital room when he was on his deathbed. He requested me to do five minutes. And uh, I bombed, actually, and he got much worse and he had to watch some Marx Brothers movies to actually resuscitate him, but...
CHERYL'S FATHER: You know who's funny? That Carrot Top. Have you seen that guy? He comes on The Tonight Show once in a while. Big mop of red hair.
LARRY: Oh, my gosh! The obituary! Do we have the paper?
CHERYL'S FATHER: Oh yeah, we want to look at that.
LARRY: Okay. I'll go get the paper.
CHERYL'S FATHER: No, don't you bother, I've got the car.
LARRY: You don't even know where it is.
CHERYL'S FATHER: I have unlimited mileage, I can drive anywhere.
CHERYL: No-- he knows what he's doing. It's right around the corner, he'll find it.
CHERYL'S MOTHER: I'm sure he will. Gives him pleasure to use the rental car anyway.
LARRY: You know, you could move over a little bit now because he's not sitting there anymore. Get a little more room here.
CHERYL'S MOTHER: Oh, that's okay.
LARRY: Mmm, These are pretty good.
CHERYL: Yeah.
LARRY: How many can I get in my mouth at a time?
GLADYS: Six.
LARRY: Gladys, you say six?
OTHER WOMAN: Five.
LARRY: Three, four. (imitating The Godfather) "Look what they did to my Santino. Gladys, George, look what they did."
  (A crying, Becky enters)
CHERYL'S MOTHER: Oh, sugar.
CHERYL: Oh, no, Becky.
  (Becky sits down on Cheryl's lap for comforting)
CHERYL: Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. Oh, what did he say? What happened?
BECKY: (crying) He just kept repeating something about not being happy. We could've worked through that.
CHERYL: The nerve of this guy!
LARRY: Jerk.
CHERYL: What kind of timing is this?
BECKY: (crying) I just buried my aunt!
CHERYL: I know.
BECKY: (crying) And he breaks up with me?
CRAIG: You don't do that to somebody.
CHERYL'S MOTHER: No.
CHERYL: Oh Becky, that's so awful.
BECKY: (crying) I mean, he really loved me.
CHERYL: Yeah.
BECKY: (to Larry) Did he say anything to you? I know how much he likes you, I just thought maybe...
LARRY: No, we just, you know... he talked about Aunt Louise and the mini bar.
BECKY: (whimpering) The mini bar?
CHERYL: Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. This is ridiculous.
BECKY: Where are you going?
LARRY: I've got to get a birthday present for Jeff's mother. I'm sorry, I forgot, today's her birthday. I'll be right back, I'm sorry. Oh, God, all right, I'm gonna be back in 20 minutes. Everybody stay here, okay? Gladys, you're here, okay, Barbara? George, right here. Gladys, I'll be right back. I'm just gonna get a birthday present.
CHERYL: I'm timing you.
LARRY: Half an hour at... 40 minutes at the most. 45 minutes.

 

Larry then leave and takes off to the Mall...

 
The Mall
  At the mall, he approaches a little kiosk selling sunglasses...
LARRY: Um, I'd like to buy a pair of sunglasses. It's a birthday present.
SALES GIRL: Okay.
LARRY: For my friend's mother. Oh, this one I like a lot.
SALES GIRL: These are great. You know, Elizabeth Taylor wears the exact same glasses.
LARRY: Elizabeth Taylor? You're kidding! Let me see that mirror over there?
SALES GIRL: They're very in vogue now.
LARRY: They are?
SALES GIRL: Yeah, absolutely. You see why?
LARRY: Oh, yeah. I like that.
SALES GIRL: I think they're perfect.
LARRY: Beautiful. All right.
SALES GIRL: Really?
LARRY: Sure, come on.
SALES GIRL: All right. Let me get you a case.
LARRY: I don't fool around.
SALES GIRL: Give you a case, I'll throw in some lens cleaner. How would you like to pay?
LARRY: Credit card.
SALES GIRL: Okay.
LARRY: Can you gift-wrap these?
SALES GIRL: No, I'm sorry, we don't wrap.
LARRY: How would one go about getting this gift-wrapped?
SALES GIRL: Get some wrapping paper and wrap it.
LARRY: Okay, where would I get the paper?
SALES GIRL: You know, there's a card store upstairs.
LARRY: Right here?
SALES GIRL: You could maybe go there.
LARRY: You need a scissor, too, right?
SALES GIRL: A scissor.
LARRY: You need a scissor to cut the paper, right? And also--
SALES GIRL: To cut the paper, yeah.
LARRY: And scotch tape, too, right?
SALES GIRL: Right.
LARRY: So, do they sell all that in the same store?
SALES GIRL: No, I don't believe they do. You could check. And you might want to-- if you're gonna go get that stuff, you might wanna get a bow. And a card.
LARRY: A bow and a card?
SALES GIRL: Well, yeah, so she knows who the gift is from.
LARRY: Oh, I'm gonna be handing her the gift. Isn't it obvious who it's from?
SALES GIRL: You don't have to have a card, I'm just saying.
LARRY: What a process this is, a bow and a card... Where do you get the bow and the card? Is that in the same store as the scissor and the scotch tape?
SALES GIRL: No, the card--
LARRY: How many stores are we talking about here?
SALES GIRL: Sir, I really don't know.
LARRY: Boy, this is very complicated.
 
Larry's House
  When Larry returns home, there's allot of chatter among guests. Upon seeing Larry, they all break in silence...
LARRY: What?... What?
CHERYL: What? We got a paper, that's what.
CHERYL'S FATHER: "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"? Huh?... That's what you put in the paper?
LARRY: Oh, no... This is a typo. That's aunt.. It should be "aunt"!!
CHERYL: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
LARRY: They have proofreaders at papers!
CHERYL'S FATHER: The woman leads a decent life and this is how she ends up? "Beloved cunt"? (Cheryl's mother breaks) My wife is upset. I'm just glad you weren't in charge of the headstone!
LARRY: Oh, my Go-- I meant "beloved aunt,"!! not "beloved cunt"!!
CHERYL'S FATHER: Don't keep saying it!
CHERYL: Please.
LARRY: I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. (goes to Cheryl's mother)
CHERYL'S MOTHER: (hysterical) Just leav---!! go--!! leave me alone!!!!
LARRY: It's a typo. Don't you see? It's a typo! It's a typo, it's "aunt"!... Cheryl!
CHERYL: Larry--
  (Becky barges in the room and she's quite upset.)
BECKY: Hey Larry... Excuse for a second, Cheryl. (to Larry) I just got off the phone with Craig, and I wanted run this by you to see if this rings any bells. "It wasn't her mother who died, it was just her aunt. You should break up with her today. You don't look happy, you should break up!"
CHERYL: What?
BECKY: Yeah. That's what he said.
CRAIG: Oh, my God. Did you tell Craig to break up with Becky?
LARRY: He talked to me, but I told him to wait till he got back to Tallahassee! I didn't say to do it last night at the wake.
BECKY: Oh, well then, never mind! What is the matter with you?
LARRY: He's a bad guy, I was doing you a favor!
CHERYL: OKAY, Larry, I think you should just leave!
LARRY: You mean for tonight?
CHERYL: At least, please. I am sorry.
LARRY: Cheryl... (holds up the sunglasses) You know how I can get this gift-wrapped?
 
Gas Station
  Larry is now on the road... driving through the city then he stops for gas...
LARRY: (to gas attendant) Hey, let me ask you something. How would one go about getting this gift-wrapped?
ATTENDANT: Um, well uh, if you, uh, if you-- Do you have the paper?
LARRY: No, I don't have anything.
ATTENDANT: You could probably go to a stationery store.
LARRY: Yeah, stationery store for the scissor and tape, but you gotta go someplace else for the paper.
ATTENDANT: Yeah, depending on what kind of paper you want.
LARRY: I don't give a shit.
ATTENDANT: Well, then you should probably go to, like, a party store, where you can get gift-wrapping paper.
LARRY: But they don't have the tape and scissor.
ATTENDANT: I don't know, they might, I wouldn't bet on it, I would bring my own.
LARRY: Well let me ask you a question. If I brought the scissor and the tape to this party store you're talking about...
ATTENDANT: They have the paper.
LARRY: ...would they wrap it for me?
ATTENDANT: They might, honestly, I don't know, because my wife wraps everything. But if you bring it with you, if you have it there, if you just tip them or something.
LARRY: (to another customer) Hey, let me ask you something. How would you go about getting something like this gift-wrapped?
CUSTOMER: Just go to a Hallmark or something. A stationery store.
LARRY: That's for the paper, right?. They don't have the scissors and the tape.
CUSTOMER: Yah they will.
LARRY: They got scissors and tape? Really?
CUSTOMER: Ribbon and bows and cards. Yeah, they have everything there.
LARRY: Hallmark has that whole thing there? Where's the Hallmark?
ATTENDANT: I don't know.
CUSTOMER: You gotta fix this pump over here.
ATTENDANT: Okay.
LARRY: All right, forget it, I'm all done here. (hangs up the gas nozzle in haste) You don't know where the Hallmark is.
 
Jeff's House
  Susie is with Jeff's mother and father in the kitchen...
CHERYL: So Ma, I thought maybe tomorrow, if you're up to it, we'd go to the outlet center.
JEFF'S MOTHER: All right.
  (Jeff ushers Larry into the house)
JEFF: Hey! Look who's here.
LARRY: Hello.
SUSIE: Larry, hi.. (kisses her on the cheek)
LARRY: Hi.
JEFF: (whispering to his parents) Be nice.
LARRY: Hi.
JEFF'S FATHER: (with much disdain) Hi.
LARRY: (to Jeff's mother) Happy birthday. (handing her the sunglasses)
JEFF: Heyyy!!
JEFF'S MOTHER: That was sweet of you.
JEFF'S FATHER: What kind of present is that? Not wrapped nicely.
LARRY: Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I looked in stores, I couldn't find any wrapping store. You know, there's no wrapping stores anywhere?
JEFF'S MOTHER: (she opens the case) Oh, my gosh! Sunglasses!
JEFF: Wow, look at those.
LARRY: My gosh, look at this! You know what? Elizabeth Taylor wears glasses-- She has the exact same glasses!
JEFF: You hear that? You hear that?
JEFF'S MOTHER: I can't use 'em. I have a prescription in my lenses. I'm sorry.
LARRY: All right, no no, I'll get...
JEFF: (insisting) Larry, I'll take care of it.
LARRY: I want to do it. I'll get lenses put in. You give me your prescription and we'll make them prescription glasses.
JEFF: Isn't that nice? Isn't that nice?
LARRY: Yeah.
JEFF: Oh, how did the obit go?
LARRY: You got a paper?
JEFF: Yeah, it's over there.
SUSIE: Obituaries, it's in the back there.
LARRY: Here, I'll show you how it went. Here's how it went.
JEFF: "Louise Hoenin, devoted sister, beloved cunt"?
SUSIE: What? Jeffery, it says that in the paper? Let me see this.
JEFF: That's unbelievable!
LARRY: I know!
JEFF: You said "aunt," I wrote down "aunt"! That's bullshit!
LARRY: Don't they proofread these things?
JEFF: I am so sorry.
SUSIE: Oh, God, Larry.
LARRY: Yeah, I need a letter of apology from your friend...
JEFF: Retraction. Retraction.
LARRY: Retraction? What are they gonna say? "We're sorry we called her a cunt, we meant 'aunt"'?
JEFF: Point well taken, I'll have them write a letter of apology.
LARRY: And you, too. I'll write one, too, I promise.
SUSIE: Still, to print this... Cheryl must be so upset.
LARRY: Upset.. She kicked me out of the house.
SUSIE: She kicked you out?
LARRY: Her relatives, her parents, friends, they came after me like a pack of-- I thought they were gonna kill me.
JEFF: Ya know-- You'll stay here.
LARRY: I can't, I have nothing to wear.
JEFF: I've got plenty of stuff for you to wear!
SUSIE: No, Larry, you'll stay here. Mom and Dad are here anyway. It's no big deal, I'm making a great dinner.
JEFF: You'll stay here tonight. I'm so sorry.
SUSIE: (to Jeff) I think you should call Cheryl and apologize.
JEFF: I will.
SUSIE: Jeff, do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, okay?
JEFF: Okay... Hey, how much longer till dinner?
SUSIE: 25 minutes, 30, tops.
JEFF: Dad, let's go finish the movie, come on.
LARRY: What movie?
JEFF'S MOTHER: Larry, let me see those glasses again. Those sunglasses.
LARRY: Oh, really? Okay, sure.
JEFF'S MOTHER: I can't see through them, but I can get an idea.
LARRY: They're beauties. I'm telling you, Elizabeth Taylor. It's no joke.
JEFF'S MOTHER: Oh, wait. Wait a minute. I think I can see my reflection in here.
LARRY: Oh, wait, hold it, I'll help you out here.
JEFF'S MOTHER: Good.
  (Larry brings a shiny toaster over for reflection and holds it close to her. So close, his hand touches her bosom. She is very insulted by this move by Larry)
LARRY: Um, all right, so I'll get the prescription for this thing. We'll get that taken care of. It shouldn't take too long, you know? They look good, though.
SUSIE: See, Mom, I told you, he's got a very, very sweet side.
JEFF'S MOTHER: Very.
 
Later in the middle of the night...
  (Larry's in bed asleep when Jeff wakes him up...)
LARRY: Yeah?
JEFF: You gotta go.
LARRY: What?
JEFF: You gotta go.
LARRY: What are you talking about?
JEFF: You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.
LARRY: I copped a feel off your mom? What are you saying to me?
JEFF: She was moping around. I'm saying, "What's the matter?" She said, "Larry touched my bosom for several seconds."
LARRY: Schmuck! Will you listen to me for a second!
JEFF: What?
LARRY: We're in the kitchen. She wanted to try on the sunglasses again. She was looking in the toaster and I was holding the toaster, she wanted to get a better look at her face in it and she leaned against the back of my hand. And so, I didn't want to just turn, I didn't want to hurt her feelings by taking it away fast.
JEFF: I'm sorry. She's all freaked out. You gotta go.
LARRY: You're kicking me out? Is that what you're doing?
JEFF: All right, look... Set the alarm. Do you know how to set the alarm? (whispering) 7:00 a.m.
LARRY: She rubbed up against the back of my hand!
JEFF: I believe you, it's not about that!
LARRY: You think I feel up old ladies?
  I apologized, it's not about that! It's not about that.
  Alright, listen to me... You gotta get out of here at 7:00 in the morning.
LARRY: I'll be out of here early in the morning.
JEFF: There's bagels in the kitchen, grab one and get out.
LARRY: I won't grab anything, I'll just walk out the door. Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick.
JEFF: It's what she thinks. What do ya want me to say? Sweet dreams.
LARRY: "Sweet dreams." I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."
  (It's 2 in the morning. Larry gets up to go to the bathroom only to have a close encounter with Jeff's mom.)
JEFF'S MOTHER: You!
LARRY: Quiet.
JEFF'S MOTHER: How dare you.
LARRY: I didn't do anything. Let me explain what happened.
JEFF'S MOTHER: Do you think I enjoy that kind of thing?
LARRY: Of course not. Don't be ridiculous, I didn't do anything.
JEFF: This has gotta stop.
LARRY: Please tell her I didn't do anything.
JEFF: Ma, he didn't do anything.
LARRY: It was the toaster and the hand.
JEFF'S MOTHER: In the hand?
  You rubbed against me.
SUSIE: Shhh! You're gonna wake up Sammy.
JEFF'S MOTHER: Did you see what he did?
JEFF: I explained to her, it was an accident. It was an accident.
JEFF'S MOTHER: Oh, how convenient.
LARRY: It was an accident, you rubbed up against me.
JEFF'S FATHER: How dare you... What kind of human being are you?
LARRY: Yes, you pushed up against my hand! I didn't do anything!
JEFF: It was an accident.
  Shhh.. shhh... (to Larry) You have to go... You gotta go.
SUSIE: I think it's better, larry. Okay, Ma? He's gonna leave.
JEFF: Go back to sleep.
JEFF'S FATHER: Sick person.
JEFF: Enough with the "sick person," he's not a sick person.
  (Showing Larry to the door)
JEFF: Hey... I'm really sorry. This is horrible, I'm so sorry. Please accept my apology.
LARRY: Well, I mean, You know, It's not you.
JEFF: I'll straighten it out tomorrow. They get a little crazy, my parents. I'm sorry. It's an awful thing.
LARRY: Even when I was dating, I would wait four months... before I would try and make a breast move, you know?
JEFF: I understand.
LARRY: And it wouldn't be in their kitchen, in front of their daughter-in-law and son...
JEFF: I know, it's horrible. I'll take care of it all tomorrow. I'll smooth it all over tomorrow. (whispering) Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
LARRY: The sunglasses?
JEFF: Give them to me, let me take care of them.
LARRY: You want me to give her a gift now?
JEFF: You gave it to her.
LARRY: After this entertaining evening?
JEFF: You gave it to her.
LARRY: I don't think so. No.
JEFF: That's called "Indian giving."
LARRY: I know what it's called. It's a very racist term, but I'm okay with that.
JEFF: What could you possibly do with them?
LARRY: I'll give them to somebody who likes me.
JEFF: Where are you going now?
LARRY: I don't know, I can't go home. Guess I'll go to a hotel.
 
Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel
  And he hits the road again. He then decides to go to the hotel where he booked Becky's "now" ex-boyfriend...
RECEPTIONIST: (on the phone) Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, how can I help you?... I'll see you this evening, thank you.... (to Larry) Welcome to the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, how can I help you?
LARRY: I'd like a room, please.
RECEPTIONIST: (typing) I'm very sorry, we're completely filled to capacity this evening.
LARRY: Okay. There's a guy in this hotel, his name's Craig Butler. Okay, I'm paying for his room. I don't want to anymore. Wake him up, get him out, that's my room.
RECEPTIONIST: Okay, um... The room's paid for through tomorrow. The cards have been run for this evening. He's authorized to be there till 11:00 a.m. Tomorrow, check-out time. Our manager will work out the bill with you, if you come back tomorrow at 10:00.
LARRY: You don't have a room for me in this hotel tonight? Not one room? Don't you always keep extra rooms for people?
RECEPTIONIST: Not one. You're not the first person we've turned away.
LARRY: I'm Frank Sinatra, Jr., you're turning me away tonight? Jr. Walks in and you turn him away?
RECEPTIONIST: Yes, sir, unfortunately.
LARRY: The Pope is being shooed out into the street. Are you going to shoo The Pope out? Is that what you're going to do?
RECEPTIONIST: Yes, sir. We are filled to capacity, sir.
  (Thinking fast, Larry pulls out the sunglasses he bought... attempts to sweet talk his way)
LARRY: A pair of sunglasses?
RECEPTIONIST: Excuse me?
LARRY: I have a pair of sunglasses here.
RECEPTIONIST: You want to give...
LARRY: Yeah. Elizabeth Taylor sunglasses.
RECEPTIONIST: They're very nice...
LARRY: Elizabeth Taylor wears these sunglasses.
RECEPTIONIST: Thank you, sir, I wear prescription. Thank you very much.
LARRY: You ever watch the Seinfeld show?
RECEPTIONIST: Yes, sir.
LARRY: Just curious.
  (Craig and a girl he met at the hotel show up)
CRAIG: Hey, Larry! Larry, hi!
LARRY: Hi, buddy.
CRAIG: This is Larry?
LARRY: Hey! Thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
CRAIG: I did not rat you out.
LARRY: Oh, you didn't? You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
CRAIG: Well, that's your problem.
LARRY: What a jerk.
CRAIG: Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right?
LARRY: Oh, what are you gonna do, beat me up?
CRAIG: Maybe I will.
LARRY: Go ahead, take a shot.
CRAIG: You Hollywood people...
SECURITY GUARD: Gentlemen, I cannot have the two of you standing in the lobby of the hotel... yelling at each other.
CRAIG: Right, I am sorry, sir
SECURITY GUARD: Excuse me, are you guests at the hotel this evening?
CRAIG: Yes, I am.
SECURITY GUARD: Can I see your room key, please?
CRAIG: Yes, sure.
LARRY: I'm paying for that.
SECURITY GUARD: Excuse me, one at a time. One at a time! (looks at the key) I think it would be best if you go back to your room.
CRAIG: Very good, thank you very much.
LARRY: He's here because I'm paying for him.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, do you have a room key here at the Roosevelt?
LARRY: No.
SECURITY GUARD: Then I need to ask you to leave.
LARRY: Can I interest you in some sunglasses?
SECURITY GUARD: No, just leave, please.
  (Larry exits the hotel with his tail between his legs)
 
In His Car in Front of His House
  Defeated, Larry, in his car, retracts the seat to lay down and sleep. The next morning, the sun wakes him up and is glaring in his eyes. He reaches for the sunglasses he bought, and puts them on to block the sunlight, and goes back to sleep.
   
END