Seinfeld
season 7, episode 10

Directed by Jeff Schaffer & Andy Ackerman
Written by Larry David

Cast:

Larry David.......................... Larry David
Jeff Garlin............................ Jeff Greene
Cheryl Hines....................... Cheryl David
Jerry Seinfeld.................... Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus....... Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Jason Alexander............. Jason Alexander
Michael Richards............ Michael Richards
Susie Essman..................... Susie Greene
Elisabeth Shue........................... Virginia
Eric André........... Set P.A. (as Eric Andre)
Norman Brenner............. Coffee Customer
Randy Carter............................ 1st A.D.
Saverio Guerra...................... Mocha Joe
Floyd Van Buskirk...................... Director


*NOTE:

Amanda = Cheryl
George = Jason
Kramer = Michael
Elaine = Julia
Monk's
 

George and Amanda are at Monk's sitting in a booth

GEORGE: I've been dreading telling you about this whole Madoff thing.
AMANDA: Oh, well...
GEORGE: You must hate me for losing all our money. But look at me... I'm living with Jerry... (pause) We're wiped out.
AMANDA: Actually, I'm fine, George.
GEORGE: Fine?
AMANDA: I took my half out of Madoff right after we got divorced.
GEORGE: You what?
AMANDA: I still have my half. (as Cheryl) Wait a second. (in doubt) Is that right?
LARRY: It's good, yeah. It's good. Keep going.
CHERYL: (assured) Okay.
GEORGE: Why did you take it out?!
AMANDA: I bumped into Madoff on the street one day and he was wearing this quilted jacket with the collar up. And for some reason it just creeped me out. So the next day I pulled all my money out.
GEORGE: That's... that's my money! You have my money!
AMANDA: Not according to the laws of the state of New York. (and gives an embarrassing smile)
DIRECTOR: And the waitress brings the check.
  (George and Amanda begin arguing about who's picking up the check)
AMANDA: No, let me.
GEORGE: I got it.
AMANDA: I got it!
GEORGE: I got it!
AMANDA: I got it!
GEORGE: Would you let me get the CHECK!?
AMANDA: Okay, Jeez.
  (George opens his wallet and notices it is empty)
GEORGE: I forgot to go to the cash machine. (putting his wallet in his shirt pocket but it fails. The wallet is sticking out cock-eyed)
The Seinfeld Set on Curb
DIRECTOR: Cut. That's it for scene 8. We're right back here tomorrow. That's a wrap.
  (Jason and Cheryl, still sitting in the "Monk's" booth, Larry goes to the set)
LARRY: That was great. Really funny.
CHERYL: I don't know. Was the pace of that right?
LARRY: (Larry Enters) No, it was perfect. It was really good. That was so funny, that ending.
JASON: It's really good.
LARRY: It's really good.
JASON: I'm done. I'm gonna go talk to the prop guy. The glasses are a little off.
CHERYL: Okay.
JASON: Thanks, Cheryl. See you tomorrow. (leaves)
CHERYL: Okay.
  (Larry sits down in the booth with Cheryl)
LARRY: (to Jason) Okay, good job. (to Cheryl looking quite pleased) Fantastic.
CHERYL: No, be honest with me.
LARRY: I'm being honest. You were fantastic.
CHERYL: I am not fantastic.
LARRY: You are. And they like you. They like you.
CHERYL: Who likes me?
LARRY: Jason likes you. Jerry likes you. Julia likes you. They all like you. Michael. I like you.
CHERYL: Are you having fun here?
LARRY: Yeah, it's great.
CHERYL: It's like your thing.
LARRY: I know, I'm having a great time.
CHERYL: It's like you're the man, you know?
LARRY: No big deal.
CHERYL: It's the "Seinfeld" reunion!!
LARRY: I know.
CHERYL: That's a big deal. It's actually happening.
LARRY: And you're in it.
CHERYL: Yeah. (she gives Larry a really sweet smile)
 
Outside the Studio
  (Walking towards the parking lot)
CHERYL: Hey, how's Michael doing?
LARRY: He's doing great.
CHERYL: He is?
LARRY: Yeah, the ah Groat's disease came back negative.
CHERYL: So he doesn't have Groat's?
LARRY: No, he doesn't have it. He's fine.
CHERYL: Oh, that's great. That's good news.
LARRY: Yeah.
CHERYL: What are you doing later? I was... I'm still... there are still moments in this script that I'm trying to find.
LARRY: Really?
CHERYL: I don't know, I thought maybe we could get together or something.
LARRY: Sure, yeah...
CHERYL: What about after Julia's book party for Jason?
LARRY: Definitely.
CHERYL: That'd be great.
LARRY: I'll come over right after the party... Terrific.
CHERYL: It's a good plan.
LARRY: Okay.
CHERYL: All right...
LARRY: (recognizing a car) Is that Jason's car?
CHERYL: Yeah.
LARRY: What's with the tinted windows?
CHERYL: I think he likes his privacy. You know, being a celebrity...
LARRY: What is he, George Clooney? I mean, come on.
CHERYL: It also is helpful with the sun. He takes his dogs with him everywhere so it probably gets hot in there.
LARRY: Boy, you know a lot about this guy.
CHERYL: We spend a lot of time together just talking about nothing between takes. Talking about the kitchen...
LARRY: Yeah...
  (Mocha Joe shows up with a tray of coffees)
MOCHA JOE: Hey, Larry. Hey, Cheryl.
LARRY: Hey, Mocha Joe.
MOCHA JOE: How you guys doing?
CHERYL: You have the best vanilla decaf latte. I don't know what he does.
MOCHA JOE: A little secret.
LARRY: You got some secrets, Mocha Joe? Huh?
MOCHA JOE: Yeah yeah. I'll tell you about it someday.
LARRY: Okay. Hey, where you going with this?
MOCHA JOE: I was going over to the production office.
LARRY: Our office?
MOCHA JOE: Yeah, your office.
LARRY: Could you do me a favor?
MOCHA JOE: Yeah, sure.
LARRY: Could you bring some jumper cables to Tim Kaiser? I've got to return them.
MOCHA JOE: Yeah, sure.
LARRY: Really? That would be fabulous
MOCHA JOE: All right, cool.
LARRY: Thanks, Mocha Joe.
MOCHA JOE: That's it, right? Bring these to the production office?
LARRY: Give them to Tim Kaiser.
MOCHA JOE: (with disappointment) Yeah, no problem.
LARRY: Thanks.
MOCHA JOE: I'll talk to you later. (walks away) Thanks for the compliment about the coffee.
LARRY: Yeah.
MOCHA JOE: Okay.
CHERYL: (to Larry) All right, I'll see you in a little while.
LARRY: I really like your hair like that.
CHERYL: Okay, I'll see you later.
LARRY: I'll see you later.
 
Outside of the Julia Louis-Dryfus Mansion
LARRY: We've just been getting along so great. And when we were walking out of the stage today she invited me to her house tonight to go over lines.
JEFF: Really?
LARRY: Yes. It's unbelievable.
JEFF: Wow.
LARRY: So it's like a date, I guess.
JEFF: I think you should make a move tonight.
LARRY: Nah.
JEFF: Yeah.
LARRY: What?
JEFF: Make a move.
LARRY: I can't. Whenever I make a move you see it a mile away. It's like a poker tell.
JEFF: No no no.
LARRY: Because I'm thinking about it, my conversation gets very stilted.
JEFF: She invited you. You must make a move.
LARRY: I'm so happy just to be going over there, being close with her, I don't even care about the move.
JEFF: You realize all your dreams are coming true? Your whole plan is coming to fruition.
LARRY: Yes, I know.
 
The Foyer at Julia's
LARRY: Ah, the actor prepares.
JERRY: Yeah... (Larry reaches for a copy of Jason's book) What do you think?
LARRY: Wow.
JERRY: I love the face. Don't you love the face?
LARRY: The burning intensity, yes.
JERRY: Yeah. (getting a chuckle) The let's-cut-the-crap, you know?
LARRY: It's not so much as a book as a pamphlet, you know? Kind of on the thin side, isn't it?
JERRY: He's saying "Acting Without Acting." So if you're not gonna act there's not much left to say.
LARRY: "Acting Without Acting."
JERRY: Yeah, everything is without.
LARRY: Yeah.
JERRY: Raise your kids without raising them.
  (Larry lets out a cool laugh)
JERRY: You know what else is kind of annoying? Have you noticed people are saying, "having said that" after everything they say now?
LARRY: Yes.
JERRY: "Having said that, let me say this."
LARRY: Right. Say what you want to say...
JERRY: Yeah.
LARRY: ...and then you negate it.
JERRY: Now having said that. So what is that? So you win either way.
LARRY: Yeah. A comedian goes up on stage, "You people are a bunch of morons. Having said that, I'm very happy to be here."
JERRY: Hey, I talked to your buddy Mocha Joe a minute ago. You know, he's a little upset that you didn't give him anything for taking those jumper cables to Tim Kaiser.
LARRY: He said something to you?
JERRY: Yeah, he did.
LARRY: What?
JERRY: He made a comment that "Larry was.. boy, it takes a lot to get a tip out of that guy".
LARRY: I asked him to do me a favor. I didn't say I want to hire you. I said do me a favor.
JERRY: That's what a tip is. A tip is money for a favor.
LARRY: No, a favor implies no tip.
JERRY: Someone that's supposed to be tipped was not tipped. You'd better tip him.
  (Jason enters)
JASON: Salutations, me lads.
JERRY: Hey, look at that.
LARRY: How are you?
JASON: Nice to see you.
JERRY: You're really cutting the figure these days.
JASON: Well, thank you very much.
LARRY: (Holds a book up) Congrats.
JASON: Thank you very much.
JERRY: This is really something.
JASON: Thank you very much.
JERRY: How long did this take?
JASON: That's a year and change of my life.
JERRY & LARRY: Really?
JASON: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
LARRY: Yet it's very concise.
JASON: Yeah, I tried to get it down to the essentials.
LARRY: Yeah, I'll read it with dinner.
  (Jason looking at Larry very insulted)
JERRY: Yeah, what does "Acting Without Acting" mean?
JASON: It just means ,ya know, you don't want to see the actor at work. You want to hide the technique. It's acting. It's doing the job. It's the craft. So you hide the actor's effort.
JERRY: But he's still acting.
JASON: Yeah, of course you're acting.
LARRY: Right.
JERRY: So it could be "Acting With Acting."...
LARRY: That could be a title too.
LARRY: Yeah.
JERRY: Having said that, I think this is a terrific title.
JASON: Thanks.
  (Julia enters from the parlor)
JULIA: Hey, Lar. Lar. Can I talk to you just for a sec?
LARRY: Oh, sure.
  (Larry and Julia leave)
JASON: It is without acting. It's hiding the acting.
JERRY: Yeah, it's hiding the acting and yet it's all acting.
JASON: Most of it.
JERRY: Yeah.
  (She brings Larry to an antique table in the parlor)
JULIA: Uh, were you sitting here?
LARRY: Mm-hmm. (nodding "yes")
JULIA: Earlier? You were? Has it ever occurred to you to use a coaster?... (pointing toward the ringed stain on the table) Look.
LARRY: Oh.
JULIA: I am a little bit freaked out because you need to know this table has been in the Louis-Dreyfus family for generations, okay? And look at it.
LARRY: Yeah, but I didn't put my-my glass down there. I held onto it.
JULIA: No no no, but you were here.
LARRY: Yeah, I know, but the glass never left my hand. When I'm in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don't have to shake hands.
JULIA: Listen, one of these friends of Jason told me, "Oh, Larry David did that. He was just sitting here."
LARRY: Who said that?
JULIA: I don't know what his name is. I don't know who any of these people are in my house, by the way.
LARRY: Where is he? Which friend?
JULIA: Well, look it, you say you would never put a wet glass down on an antique wooden table.
LARRY: No, impossible.
JULIA: All right, I believe you. Having said that, I don't really think I'm buying your line of bullshit.
  Larry cringes and turns to see Mocha Joe's java cart...
 
Mocha Joe's Java Cart
LARRY: Mocha Joe.
MOCHA JOE: Oh, how you doing, Larry?
LARRY: So I understand you were a little upset that I didn't give you a tip for taking the jumper cables to the office. Is that true?
MOCHA JOE: I'm not upset, but I'm a little disappointed.
LARRY: Mocha Joe, I asked you to do me a favor. That's a favor.
MOCHA JOE: Yeah, but you tip for a favor, Larry.
LARRY: If you asked me to do you a favor I would say yes. I wouldn't expect any money in return. I would do it out of the goodness of my heart.
MOCHA JOE: Really? You would do me a favor out of the goodness of your heart?
LARRY: Of course I would.
MOCHA JOE: Okay, I'll tell you what: You do me a favor and we're even.
LARRY: What's the favor?
MOCHA JOE: Go into West Hollywood to Stern Bros. Coffee and pick up my coffee order for tomorrow.
LARRY: Mocha Joe, that's insane. Hollywood is the exact opposite direction of where I live.
MOCHA JOE: You know what, Larry? You don't do the favor, we got nothing to talk about. Now get away from my cart.
LARRY: All right, Mocha Joe.
MOCHA JOE: There's nothing to talk about, Larry.
LARRY: You know what? I just realized something. I just realized something. I was completely wrong about not tipping you.
MOCHA JOE: Oh really?
LARRY: I want to make it up to you right now.
MOCHA JOE: Okay.
LARRY: I want to tip you now.
MOCHA JOE: No.
LARRY: Forget this favor.
MOCHA JOE: No no no no.
LARRY: No, I'll tip you. I'll give you a tip.
MOCHA JOE: No, you said you would do me the favor. Now you're going back and you want to pay me off?
LARRY: I want to go back in time...
MOCHA JOE: Go back in time?
LARRY: ...give you the tip you deserved...
MOCHA JOE: Yeah.
LARRY: ...for taking the jumper cables to the office even though you were going there and I'll give you the tip that I should have given you.
MOCHA JOE: No going back in time. You said you would do me a favor. Now do me a favor.
LARRY: (defeated) Okay, Mocha Joe... I'll go to Hollywood... I'll pick up your beans, okay?
MOCHA JOE: Here's the card for Stern Bros. Coffee, West Hollywood. Pick up that coffee for me. Bring it to the studio tomorrow.
LARRY: That squares us?
MOCHA JOE: Yeah, that'll square us. See you tomorrow, Larry.
  (Larry walks back the party but is greeted by Cheryl who is accompanied by Suzy Greene)
LARRY: Oh.
CHERYL: Oh, hi.
LARRY: Hey... I hardly got a chance to talk to you.
CHERYL: I know.
LARRY: So I'll see you later?
CHERYL: See you later.
LARRY: Great. (Suzy gives Larry a smirk) (to Suzy) What? We're working. We're doing some work.
CHERYL: (to Suzy) Yeah.. We are... We're doing some work together... (and they walk off the scene)
 
Larry Car
  On his way to Stern Bros. Coffee in West Hollywood, Larry is stuck in traffic...
LARRY: God damn it!
  (He calls Cheryl that he'll be delayed)
CHERYL: (on the phone) Hello?
LARRY: Hey, it's me. Hey. Um, look, I think I'm gonna be late. I'm in bad traffic. I've got to go into Hollywood to pick up some beans for Mocha Joe.
CHERYL: What are you doing? You're picking up beans?
LARRY: It's a long story. I'm gonna be like an hour late.
CHERYL: Oh my God. I thought you were on your way over.
LARRY: I am. I mean, I can, you know. It's only an hour.
CHERYL: I know, but you're gonna take an hour? I think we should just do... we'll do it another time. Okay?
LARRY: All right. Okay.
CHERYL: Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.
LARRY: All right. See you tomorrow.
CHERYL: All right, thanks, Larry. Bye.
LARRY: Bye.
  He arrives at Stern Brothers, it's late at night, and they're closed.
LARRY: (Pounding on the door) Hey!... (kicking the rail) Fucking Mocha Joe!
 
Seinfeld Set
  Jason and Jerry are walking in through the entrance...
JERRY: So how's it going with Cheryl?
JASON: Really good.
JERRY: She got anything?
JASON: Yeah. Yeah, she's good. I like what she's doing.
JERRY: Really?
JASON: Easy to work with. We got together last night at her place.
JERRY: Oh really?
JASON: Cheryl calls, she says come on over. I go over, we worked for two hours.
JERRY: Wow.
JASON: When has an actress done that?
  Larry overhears Jason and Jerry conversation with the wardrobe and props coordinator...
PROP GUY: So which shirt do you like?
LARRY: (distracted) Pick one out. (and leaves)
  Julia approaches Larry in a huff...
JULIA: Hey, Lar. Lar. The guy came, I got an estimate and it's gonna cost 500 bucks to fix that table. The ring.
LARRY: I...
JULIA: Yes, you did. Come on, man. Yes, you did. Please don't play this game with me.
LARRY: I would tell you if I left it. I respect wood. I revere wood. I'm considerate of wood.
JULIA: Lar, I have known you since 1983. Whatever it is.
LARRY: Four. Yeah, four.
JULIA: I know when you are lying. And right now you're doing that thing with your mouth when it's like...
LARRY: Really? Seriously?
JULIA: I don't even care about the money, Larry. Just fess up, man. If you didn't do it, who did it? You're the person...
LARRY: I'm going to find out.
JULIA: Oh, please.
LARRY: I will find out and I will drag that person by the hair and bring him into your dressing room soon.
JULIA: Oh, man.
DIRECTOR: Okay, scene "S" is up. We're in Jerry's apartment. It's George and Amanda. (pointing to the script) We're right here.
AMANDA: And we were talking about you and the therapist says that maybe there's another side to you.
GEORGE: Not just another... dozens. How about that? How about that? So why don't we sit down? (starts to flirt) Sit down. Yeah, come on. Would you like some popcorn? Because I made it.
CHERYL: No wait, is that in there?
JASON: Uh-huh, "I made it."
CHERYL: I know, but I don't say I made it.
JASON: No, I say "I made it."
CHERYL: (flirting) I know, it was so convincing.
JASON: I'm playing George. I don't understand this bit.
JERRY: It's great.
JASON: But it says that they fight over the popcorn. Is it like a wrestle? (holding Cheryl)
LARRY: No no, it's not wrestling. You're fighting with your hands, okay?
JASON: Okay... Yeah.
JERRY: Let it go. Wherever it goes. It's rehearsal. It's exploratory.
GEORGE: (to Amanda) So do you want some popcorn? I made it.
  Cheryl, playing Amanda by the way (in case we forgot) starts to become giddy...
JERRY: This is like the greatest relationship I've ever seen you have on the show. 
JASON: I know.. George has never been this happy.
JERRY: It's like I'm watching Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss here. This is fantastic.
JASON: She's unbelievable. (kisses her on the cheek)
JERRY: I really believe this.
CHERYL: Thank you.
DIRECTOR: Okay, that's lunch for a half. We're feeding on 19. We're right back here after lunch.
JASON: What do we got, like a half hour?
JERRY: Take whatever you want. That is gold.
JASON: You want to have some lunch?
JERRY: (to Cheryl) Don't change anything though. You want to go off the lot? (they leave)
  (Larry gets up to follow Jason and Cheryl)
JERRY: Lar. Hey, Lar.
LARRY: One second.
JERRY: No, Lar, wait a second.
MOCHA JOE: (to Larry) How you doing?
LARRY: You know what? I've got to get going.
MOCHA JOE: One second. Did you get a chance to pick up those beans? I'm really low on coffee.
LARRY: You know, I went and there was a lot of traffic. I got stuck in traffic and by the time I got there... I went all the way over there, the store was closed so I couldn't get 'em.
MOCHA JOE: So you didn't get the beans?
LARRY: No, I didn't get the beans.
MOCHA JOE: So you didn't do me the favor?
LARRY: I attempted to do you the favor. I tried to do you the favor.
MOCHA JOE: What are you talking about?
  An attempt is not a favor.
LARRY: What? It is a favor. It is a favor. That's as good as a favor. The effort was there.
JERRY: What did you come back with, though?
LARRY: Well, the store was closed.
JERRY: Driving to a coffee place is not a favor.
MOCHA JOE: Where did I bring the jumper cable, halfway to your office or to your office?
JERRY: Mocha Joe has nothing to show for your supposed favor.
LARRY: I know.
JERRY: You have jumper cables. What's he got?
MOCHA JOE: Exactly.
JERRY: He's got a story about traffic.
MOCHA JOE: Thank you, Jerry.
JERRY: You're welcome, Mocha Joe.
LARRY: Come on, I did a lot for Mocha Joe.
JERRY: Mocha Joe doesn't need people driving around for him. He needs coffee.
LARRY: Whatever happened to "E" for effort? "E" for effort! You people think about that. "E" for effort!
MOCHA JOE: "F" for favor!
JERRY: "C" for coffee.
 
Jeff and Suzy's
  And by the time I got outside they went to lunch in his car with the tinted windows. Who knows what's going on with those tinted windows? Anything could be going on in that car.
  They could be eating burritos behind those tinted windows at lunch. That's your proof? They've got tinted windows?
  It's not only that. I told you what happened on stage... the way they were getting along and laughing and the touching and all that. And last night he was at her house.
  I'm sorry, but you sound crazy.
  You didn't see them. If you had seen them you wouldn't say that.
  I think you should just let this blow over. This is nothing. And just go back to work. Come on. I'll see you later.
  All right.
   
  Oh. Hmm.
  What?
  You got a ring stain on your table.
  Really?
  That's interesting.
  What? What's interesting about a ring stain?
  Wait a second.
  Yeah?
  I remember Susie had a drink at the party. She was standing right by that table.
  Hey, Jeff.
  Yeah?
  Oh, hi, Lar. Jeff, did you call the sprinkler guy? Because it's not working.
  Not yet.
  You told me 10 minutes ago.
  Hey.
  I'll call him.
  What?
  I notice you got a little ring stain on your table.
  I know. I noticed that.
  How'd that happen?
  I don't know.
  No idea?
  No.
  Do you respect wood, Susie?
  Uh, yes, I do respect wood. Why?
  You've demonstrated a consistent lack of respect for wood as I see it.
  I don't know what you're getting at. I don't know what this is about.
  I'll tell you what I'm getting at. I see a ring stain on your table.
  Yeah.
  I remember you standing over Julia's antique table with a drink. Yeah, therefore? I'm putting two and two together. I think you left that ring stain on Julia's table. So don't tell me you respect wood.
  Oh, I respect wood, Larry. I respect wood so much that if I had a piece of wood in my hand right now I'd beat the shit out of you with it, okay?
  Mmm.
  Get the fuck out of here, all right?
  Okay.
  What is he doing, Jeff?
  I don't know anymore.
  What are you... you're looking for fucking ring stains on my... don't touch my books! Get out! Get the fuck out! (to Jeff) Call the sprinkler guy!
   
  Oh, Jeez. It's bright out here.
  Hey. What did you do to your windows?
  I got them tinted. Jason's guy gave me a great deal.
  Oh, his guy?
  Yeah.
  Really?
  I'm telling you, it makes a big difference with the sun. It's so bright.
  What happened the other night?
  What do you mean?
  I was supposed to come over. You told me not to come and you wound up working with Jason.
  Well, you said you were busy with your beans, doing something for Mocha Joe.
  Busy with my beans? I wasn't busy with any beans.
  That's what you said on the phone... you were doing something with beans.
  I was picking beans up. I wasn't busy with them.
  That's busy.
  I said the phrase busy with beans? I don't think so.
  You said beans and clearly you were busy. So you could not come over to my house.
  You want to think I was busy with beans, go ahead and think that.
  That's what you said on the phone. Why would I make up beans?
  So what was Jason doing in your house? I'm just curious.
  I need to get going. You're being weird.
  I'm not being weird. I'm just curious. I want to know how he wound up there. Did he call you? Did you call him? I'm curious. (to Mocha Joe) This is all your fault, Mocha Joe.
  What's all my fault?
  Everything.
  What are you talking about?
  You busied me with your beans. I'm not gonna forget this, Mocha Joe.
  You still owe me a favor.
  I'll bring you breakfast in bed tomorrow.
  Yeah, good. I'll be hungry.
   
  And we were talking about you and the therapist says that maybe there's another side to you.
  Yeah, not just one. Dozens. Should we sit down? Okay.
  Yeah.
  I, uh... I made some popcorn.
  Okay, you know what? I have an idea. I think we should change the blocking. Come here for a second.
  Okay.
  Come here. I want you to sit over here.
  All right.
  Jason, sit on the arm.
  I have an idea. I want you over here on the stool. Okay?
  Over there?
  Yeah.
  We have the whole popcorn thing.
  You know what? Forget the stool. Come here. I got a better idea.
  Lar?
  Here's what we're gonna do. Yeah, come here. Go in here.
  What's he gonna do in there?
  You stay here. You're gonna do the scene in there.
  He's got to be next to her.
  That's funny. This is gonna be funny.
  No. I want to see them get together.
  Jerry?
  No no no.
  Is this working for you?
  This is gonna be funny.
  Can we just talk about this for a second? I think, um... can we just... that's a five.
  Did you get that?
  I thought this was working. I don't get this idea. This doesn't make any sense at all.
  Why? It's kind of quirky that he's saying this stuff from the bathroom. Who else would do that?
  The bathroom? What is going... something's up here.
  No.
  How many years did we work together? We would get so tired, we spent so many hours together. We would divulge the most intimate details of our personal lives, right?
  Right.
  Like twins in a womb, right? That's how we did this show.
  Right.
  So whatever it is, you can tell me.
  Everything's fine.
  You're sure?
  Yeah.
  Completely sure?
  Yeah. (staring in Larry's eyes) All right.
  That's lunch. One hour.
  Hey, let's go to that Thai joint we used to go to. Remember you used to get that pad Thai with the noodles?
  Yeah, I can't do it right now.
  Come on.
  Maybe we'll do it tomorrow.
  The peanut sauce.
  Where's Cheryl?
  She left with Jason.
  Hey, did you see Cheryl?
  She went that way.
   
  Cheryl! Aha! No! Mocha Joe! Mocha Joe! Somebody help me! Oh shit!
  Oh no! Ow! Oh no!
  Oh, Mocha Joe! Mocha Joe!
   
  They're going to destroy the dogs now because Mocha Joe was bitten.
  Really?
  Yes.
  Huh.
  You have got to talk to him and ask him to just drop the charges.
  They're Jason's dogs. That's not my fault he's got some killer dogs in there.
  Why are you going through his car, by the way? Isn't that a little suspicious?
  Well, I'm thinking about buying one of those and I wanted to check out the headroom.
  Then you go to a showroom. Go to a car dealer and check it out. Talk to a salesman. Look, the point is you can't let the dogs die. You just can't.
  Really?
  Yes, because Jason will be a basketcase and we have a show in three days.
  Okay fine, I'll go talk to Mocha Joe. But you know what? It's not gonna make a difference. He doesn't want to talk to me. I'm gonna start to work on this "A" scene. See if we can get a better opening.
  What is this?
  Looks like a stain from coffee.
  Really?
  Yeah, I got a ring stain from some coffee. I put some coffee there.
  Let me ask you a question. Did you leave a ring stain on Julia Louis-Dreyfus's table?
  Oh no. I would never do that.
  How did this get here?
  That's between the coffee and the wood.
  No, you don't respect wood.
  I do respect wood. This is a low-grade wood.
  Oh, so you discriminate amongst wood?
  I guess you could say that.
  I respect all wood. I respect pine. I respect walnut. I respect oak. It doesn't matter, okay? You don't.
  What about the dogs? No respect for the dogs? Your heart bleeds for the wood but not for actual life. You go to a funeral, you're more upset about the coffin than the deceased?
  Did you leave that stain on her coffee table, Jerry?
  You've lost your mind. Okay. I'm not done with that ring stain so fast.
  Oh, Larry David, wood detective.
   
  Thanks, Mocha Joe.
  Thanks, buddy.
  Hi, Mocha Joe.
  What do you want, Larry?
  The thing is, Mocha Joe, if you press charges those dogs are gonna get put down.
  That's right, Larry. Those dogs are getting gassed. I'd do it myself if I could. And I'd have it televised.
  Well... then maybe you could do me a... solid.
  A solid, Larry? Is there like another word for solid?
  Fav...
  I can't hear. What, Larry?
  Favor.
  Did you say favor, Larry? Does this favor involve a tip?
  Okay, Mocha Joe. I guess it does.
  That's for me bringing the jumper cables to your office.
  Oh, and thank you so much.
  You're welcome.
  I know how difficult that was for you. It was. It was hard work.
  Long walk.
  That's for not picking up my fucking coffee beans.
  I went down there, but the store was closed. Not my fault.
  One dog lives.
  Hey, I'm here to pick up that coffee for Jason Alexander.
  Right, black coffee no sugar and one vanilla decaf latte.
  Great. Thanks so much.
  Vanilla decaf latte?
  Yeah, a vanilla decaf latte. All right. The dogs, okay? Are we good?
  Stay of execution.
   
  How you doing, ladies?
  Hey.
  Hey, coffee time. A little caffeine. Yes.
  I will get it where it's going.
  Enjoy.
  All right.
  Hey, Cheryl, what's going on in there? Cheryl, open up.
  Hey, what are you doing?
  Where is he?
  What?
  Huh? Where is he?
  Larry, hey!
  That's right! I see you! Laughing at Lar? Larry! Scampering and scurrying, I see you!
  Larry, what are you doing?
  What am I doing?
  What are you doing? What's going in here?
  Nothing.
  Something is going on, otherwise he wouldn't be running away.
  Well, you're intimidating him.
  Really?
  Yeah, he's very sensitive, by the way.
  Oh, is he?
  Yes.
  Jason's sensitive?
  He's sensitive. He's funny. He's a little neurotic, so things like this can get under his skin.
  Are you kidding? That's George. That's not Jason.
  That's Jason.
  That's George. That's all George. That's me. I wrote that stuff. You're not attracted to him, you're attracted to me. I'm George.
   
  Did you work on this with him?
  I didn't.
  This is like a major... he took the whole thing apart.
  Lar, what did you do?
  What?
  It's all different.
  I made some changes. I changed the ending. You got a whole new show here.
  So George and Amanda, they're not gonna end up together?
  No.
  Oh, come on.
  Oh my God.
  Are you kidding? It was so lame. Who's gonna buy that? They get together... we don't do endings like that.
  That's why it's so funny.
  Exactly.
  It's all bullshit. What couples get together in the end? You know it's fantasy crap. It doesn't matter.
  Larry, we already screwed up one finale. We can't do another.
  We didn't screw up a finale. That was a good finale.
  Let's talk about this. Larry, this changes the whole thing. I was very invested in that story. That story had a great ending. This is a whole different thing.
  Well, this is the show. This is the show.
  You know what? I'm not comfortable with that. All right. I'm sorry, guys, I can't.
  Jason, come on.
  No, Jason. You're not wrong, but we can't.
  Larry, do what you want to do.
  I quit, thank you very much.
  Jason.
  I'm sorry, Mike. I'm sorry, I can't do it.
  This is working out great.
  All right, okay. So how do we do the show without Jason? It's just a script, Larry. There's no show without Jason. How do you even have the show? What do you have? You have a three-legged goat here.
  So what are we doing?
  I don't know.
  We're not doing anything.
  Larry, what do you want to do?
  I'll play George.
  What?
  I'll play George. I'll play George.
  What?
  Yes, I can do it.
  You'll play what, George's butler? What do you mean?
  No, I will play George Costanza. I can do it. I know I can. I wrote it. The character is based on me. There were two Darrens on "Bewitched."
  Nobody liked that second Darren.
  I didn't care for the second Darren. But you bought it.
  Oh my God.
  Do you understand what this is? It's iconic television here. The set's an icon. He's an icon. She's an icon. He was an icon. Icon. No-con. There's no John, Paul, George and Larry. It's not what they want.
  What are we gonna do?
  Well, somebody's gonna have to go get Jason.
  Let me try it. Let me try it. Let me do one scene. What have you got to lose?
   
  Action!
  So I'm in a bank the other day. I'm on the line and the guy in front of me is leaving a space in front of him.
  You know, I can't take that.
  No, you can't take that.
  I'm thinking, "Come on, tighten it up, dude. Tighten it up."
  Right.
  So then... oh, you're gonna do the BlackBerry-head-down thing on me now? What is with the BlackBerry people? Can I just pick up a magazine, hold in front of your face and read it while you're talking? Is that okay too?
  Wait, what magazine?
  Hey, George.
  Are you happy?
  What?
  Huh?
  I want to know if you're happy.
  Yeah, I'm reasonably happy.
  You had to interfere, didn't you?
  George, what are you talking about?
  Kramer and I were all set to do this fake mugging and you had to put all these ideas in his head that he was doing something wrong.
  George, wouldn't it be easier just to talk to Amanda?
  No. No. No. Ho-ho. George is getting upset. Huh? Huh?
  What do you think?
   
  Yeah, I just quit.I did. I tried to do George and they didn't like it. You know what? Let them do their stupid ending with Jason.
  He's already on his way back here.
  I don't care. Well, you know what? The only reason I did this whole thing was to be with her, to work with her, to get her back. But if I can't have her, what's the point? I don't care. I'm... I'm done. I'm quitting.
   
  But man wants to make his woman happy. Wants to do it. Doesn't know how to do it. Sometimes we do it, don't know how we did it. Can't ask, "What did I do?" Looks like you don't know what you're doing. Can't do nothing. Woman says, "I can't believe you're doing this." Man says, "Doing what?" Woman starts crying. Man says, "I didn't do anything." Woman says, "Exactly."
   
  It's an unwritten rule of etiquette, George.
  Who says so? No one knows.
  That's why it's unwritten. You do not blow your nose into a cloth napkin in a restaurant.
  Why? They wash it.
  It's just not done in polite society.
  It's not done in impolite society.
  Even the impolite don't do it.
  The other day you sneezed into a napkin.
  That's different.
  How?
  A sneeze is involuntary. You have 2.5 seconds before that bomb goes off.
  Well, I live by my rules. I don't live by your rules.
  Did you do this in front of your wife?
  All the time.
  Can't figure out why she left you. Yeah?
  It's Elaine.
  Come on up.
  Hey, George. Did you see this? It's an article about Bernie Madoff.
  Kramer.
  Look at this. They got the floor plan to all his offices. Here's where he was.
  Kramer, he doesn't want...
  You couldn't get to him. It was a Ponzi scheme.
  All right, do I need to hear this? I know what happened.
  So what's the big deal? You lost a couple of million.
  It was more than a couple.
  Well, it was more than a great idea... an iPhone application that leads you via your GPS to the nearest acceptable toilet wherever you are in the world.
  The iToilet.
  And I thought of it.
  That was one killer app.
  Why'd you have to give it all to that crook Madoff?
  I don't know.
  How could you be so fiscally irresponsible?
  All of it, Jerry. All of it.
  Madoff?
  Madoff!
   
  Well, I'll never meet anyone else again.
  Probably not.
  Meeting is hard.
  Meeting is hard.
  Why can't you meet?
  Can't meet. Why is that?
  This is what single people are thinking about the minute they wake up in the morning. And yet we're surrounded by people.
  They're right next to us on the bus, on the street. But we can't meet them. Why won't they meet us?
  Because strangers have a bad reputation. A few bad strangers that ruined it for the rest of us. It's unfortunate.
  Oh, Amanda. She was so easy to talk to.
  Mmm.
  Her like will never come this way again.
  Oh, here she comes now.
  Oh!
  George.
  Hey.
  How are you?
  Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty good.
  Well, you look good.
  I am good.
  I'm good too. Jerry's good.
  Yeah.
  Good.
  Why don't you take a seat?
  Just having some coffee.
  Okay. So, what brings you here?
  I'm meeting someone.
  Dating?
  Just sex.
  She is easy to talk to.
   
  What's going on?
  Virginia's... Doing the show.
  Virginia's doing the show.
  I know.
  I quit.
  You quit?
  Well, you know, Virginia's neck got better. She should have had the part.
  She was originally cast. And I got in a big fight with Jason.
  You got in a fight with Jason?
  Yeah, big fight.
  What did you fight about? I called his book a pamphlet.
  You called his book a pamphlet?
  It's so thin.
  It is, it's very thin. It's not a book.
  I know it's not a book.
  No, it's not a book.
  And then, I don't know, after you left... it just, I don't know.
  It wasn't the same?
  It wasn't the same.
  I'm watching the show. Come on in.
  I got you a coffee.
  You did?
  Yeah, it's a Mocha Joe's.
  Mocha Joe?
  Yeah.
   
  Hey, you know what? I have to call my mother in Florida and tell her we're back together. This could be the news that finally kills her. Because of the shock or because she doesn't like me?
  I'm fine either way.
  What do I say if she asks me why?
  Tell her that sometimes you have to be away from something to really appreciate it.
  That's how I feel about Cuban food. When I'm eating it I don't really like it. When I'm away for a little while I miss it.
   
  Well, they're back.
  Who?
  George and Amanda are getting back together.
  Get out.
  That's recidivism.
  It's the same thing I saw last night on "Prison Lockdown." George couldn't make it on the outside. He doesn't have the tools.
  Hey, thanks for getting that doll for Isabelle.
  Was she happy with it?
  Yeah, she liked it.
  Did she comment on the fact that her doll is now black?
  Didn't say a word except, "Tell Daddy thank you."
  Daddy.
   
  Hey!
  Hey!
  It's exciting.
  Well done. Well done.
  What?
  What's wrong?
  I'll tell you what's wrong. She wants me to sign a pre-nup.
  Oh, so in case it doesn't work out you can't get to the money that was yours to begin with.
  See, that's another Ponzi scheme.
  So, George, are you marrying her for your money?
  None of your business, Elaine.
  No!
   
  Oh, yeah.
  That was so good.
  That was great. That was really good. It was really... yeah. And you know what? That ending was so much better than the one that I wrote, I have to say. It was.
  Yeah, because they belong together.
  Really?
  Don't you think?
  Are you sure?
  I'm absolutely positive.
  Hmm.
  Oh, sorry about that.
  A ring stain?
  I have a bad habit of just putting my drink down on the table.
  A bad habit? You just put your drink down on the wood. Look at that stain you made. This is a new table.
  Well, we'll just sand it off or something.
  Do you respect wood?
  I... guess so.
  You guess so? You don't know if you respect wood?
  I never thought about it before. I guess I do.
  Oh my God. You had a cup like that at Julia's party. You were standing right by that table. You left the ring stain on Julia's table. She blamed me the whole time, but it was you. You left the stain.
  Okay. Well, it's no big deal.
  You're right. You're right, it is no big deal. Having said that, I would love for you to call Julia and tell her that you left the ring stain.
  I'm not calling Julia.
  Yeah, just tell her that you were the one that left the stain on the antique table.
  Hold it one second. I'm not gonna do that.
  Yeah, come on.
  I'm not doing that.
  I want you to talk to her.
  I don't want to talk to her.
  Just here, hold it.
  No, please.
  Larry.
  Hey, Jules.
   
  END