The Parking Garage

Director: Tom Cherones
Writers: Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld
The Cast:
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer
Guest Stars:
David Dunard as Security Guard
Cynthia Ettinger as Michele
Gregory T. Daniel as Man in Corvette
Carlyle King as The Mother
Adam Wylie as The Kid
Joe Farago as Man with Woman
Ron Evans as Bodybuilder
Tucker Smallwood as Man in Mercedes

Opening Monolog

JERRY:

It's hard to find a store in a mall. They have a directory but the problem with it is, even if you figure out where you are and where you wanna go you still don't really know, sometimes, which way to walk because it's an upright map. If you had, like, suction-cup feet, then you could just walk right up on it. Then you could tell, you could be on it going, "All right, I'm here. I wanna go to the Gap. That's down there. All right, I'll just walk that way." But people would know. They would see you walking down the mall going: They'd go, "That's one of those suction-cup guys. I heard about that guy. He's never lost."
 
Escalator
(Going down to a garage. in single file: George, jerry and Elaine, who's carrying a plastic bag with goldfish, and Kramer who's having a rough time with a large, heavy box.)
GEORGE: One left. What a joke.
KRAMER: You can have this one.
GEORGE: No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time.
ELAINE: Hey, I didn't get one either.
JERRY: Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?
ELAINE: This is what people do.
JERRY: No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner. 
(They get off the escalator and head for the car)
GEORGE: You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire. 
ELAINE: So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?
GEORGE: Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.
JERRY: Oh, big accomplishment.
GEORGE: Fish. What do they do?
ELAINE: What do you do?
KRAMER: Hey, this way!
GEORGE: What time is it?
JERRY: Five o'clock.
GEORGE: Always late. Always late.
JERRY: You're not late.
GEORGE: I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen.
ELAINE: Who?
GEORGE: My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?
JERRY: Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.
ELAINE: Isn't it going the other way?
JERRY: There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.
ELAINE: But it's Saturday.
JERRY: You got the picnic and burger traffic. There's picnic traffic? As my grandfather used to say: "Sometimes even a picnic's no picnic."
GEORGE: I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush.
(Kramer stops and looks around)
ELAINE: What's the matter?
(He mumbles something and continues walking)
JERRY: I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls?
(Kramer stumbles with the air-conditioner)
(to Kramer) You want me to help you with that?
KRAMER: No, no, I got it. 
(he stumbles again. Jerry spots a beautiful woman)
JERRY: (pointing out a nice red head) What do you think, Georgie boy?
GEORGE: Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.
KRAMER: If you like her, go talk to her.
GEORGE: Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?"
JERRY: Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off.
KRAMER: That was a guy
ELAINE: That was a guy?
(Kramer stops again, confused)
ELAINE: What?
JERRY: Where's the car?
KRAMER: Well, I thought it was here.
GEORGE: You don't know where we parked?
(Kramer looks around, then resumes walking. they follow)

Oh, this is great. 
KRAMER: Look, I thought it was Green 22.
JERRY: I remember Orange. I thought it was Orange.
ELAINE: I didn't pay attention.
GEORGE: This is just what I need.
ELAINE: I'm sure it's right around here.
KRAMER: Yeah, it looks familiar. I remember the elevator
GEORGE: There's elevators all over! Everything looks the same! We're like rats in some experiment.
JERRY: It's over there. I know where it is.
(Now Jerry takes the lead and the others follow)
ELAINE: It's black, right? 
KRAMER: Well, it's dark brown.
GEORGE: (mumbling) In a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?
JERRY: There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.
(They stop...)
JERRY: Hmmm...I thought it was...
KRAMER: Hey, didn't we come in over there?
JERRY: I thought it was over there.
(The scene pans the entire garage area)
ELAINE: How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?
KRAMER: I don't know. Maybe two hours.
ELAINE: (at Kramer angrily) You'd better find this car.
GEORGE: Let's try this way.
(They take off again, pairing off George & Elaine with Kramer & Jerry behind them)
JERRY: I really have to go to the bathroom.
KRAMER: Why don't you go behind one of these cars?
(Jerry looks a Kramer as if he's nuts)

Why? Nobody's around.
JERRY: I'll wait.
KRAMER: You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.
JERRY: Alright.
KRAMER: Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?
JERRY: Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.
(Elaine sees a brown Toyota)
ELAINE: There it is!...No that's not it.
(a car screeches around a curve, Elaine is unnerved)
Hey, watch it!!!! Did you see that car? (to screeching driver) Maniac.
JERRY: (to Kramer, who is having trouble carrying the air conditioner)
Will you let me help you with that? 
KRAMER: I'm gonna put it down behind that car.
(He drops it behind a car)
JERRY: You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it?
KRAMER: (to George) Purple 23. Remember that.
GEORGE: Oh I got it. (to Jerry) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.
ELAINE: (looking at her fish) I think they're laboring.
KRAMER: Look at this place. It's huge...
GEORGE: All right, let me say this to you: If I am not in front of my building at 6:15, when my parents get there they're gonna put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound, with interest, for decades.
JERRY: Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket."
ELAINE:

There's no way you can call them?

JERRY: Yeah, I'll call them on their car phone.
ELAINE: What would it take for his parents to get a car phone?
JERRY: Hypnosis by aliens.
GEORGE: Where the hell is this car, Kramer?!!
JERRY: We need a system.
KRAMER: Well, it's gotta be here.
ELAINE: Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.
JERRY: Maybe it's not on this level.
GEORGE: (turns to Jerry) What?
JERRY: There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?
ELAINE: It felt like a couple of levels.
JERRY: You should always carry a pad and pen.
GEORGE: I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.
KRAMER: I have a pen.
JERRY: Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms."
(A mother is struggling with her son while leaving the mall)
MOTHER: Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me?
ELAINE: Look at that woman.
(She smacks her son on the head)
MOTHER: I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait.
GEORGE: (to the mother) Hey, is that necessary?
MOTHER: (to George) Why don't you mind your own business?
GEORGE: I think hitting a defenseless child is my business.
KID: (to George) You're ugly.
GEORGE: What?
KID: You're ugly.
GEORGE: You are!
KID: You are!
(the kid gets in the car. George is stunned)
GEORGE: I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.
KRAMER: (sees another car) I found it!
ELAINE: He's got it.
KRAMER: NO... nope.
JERRY: All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?
ELAINE: Jerry, look at my fish. 
(Jerry holds up the bag and hits it with his finger)
JERRY: His eyes look a little cloudy. Oh, those are YOUR eyes...
GEORGE: Oh are they gonna be furious.
JERRY: Who's got the tickets?
GEORGE: I do. (to Kramer) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before!
KRAMER: It was easy the last time.
ELAINE: My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car. 
JERRY: No one's going to do that.
(Elaine spots a forty-ish, stylish couple walking to their car)
ELAINE: Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look.
MAN #1: (Holding his hands up) ...Sorry.
ELAINE: Five minutes.
MAN #1: Can't do it.
ELAINE: We're not wilding. (they leave)
(She approaches two girls in their early twenties: mall rats)
ELAINE: Excuse me... I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me...
(The girls just laugh a her)
ELAINE: Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?
(They ignore her and keep laughing)
JERRY: Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?
KRAMER: Right here at the mall. 
(Back to Elaine, seeking out a man with a beard)
ELAINE: Excuse me... 
(he ignores her and keeps walking)
ELAINE: Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science.
 
Jerry and Kramer
JERRY: It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.
KRAMER: You drank a whole bottle of water.
JERRY: I know.
KRAMER: So why don't you just go?
JERRY: No I can't.
KRAMER: Don't you get tired of following rules?
JERRY: You think I'm too cautious?
KRAMER: Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.
JERRY: Organic. So is Buddy Hackett.
KRAMER: Buddy Hackett?
JERRY: He's a comedian.
KRAMER: I know.
JERRY: All right. All right.
KRAMER: (pointing) You can go over here.
JERRY: I can manage.
KRAMER: (turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene)
KRAMER: It'll take you ten seconds.
(he nudges Jerry)
JERRY: Okay, okay. I'll be right back. 
(We stay with Jerry as he walks to the back of a car, looks around like superman. He finishes, zips up, then turns and sees a security guard staring at him with his arms folded)
SECURITY GUARD: Okay, let's go. Come with me. 
JERRY: But...
SECURITY GUARD: Come on.
JERRY: (starts to leave, to himself) ...Kramer 
 
Security Guard's Office
(in a small room with a desk and a chair, Jerry pleads for his release)
JERRY: I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
SECURITY GUARD: Well you're still not allowed.
JERRY: Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
SECURITY GUARD: That's up to you.
JERRY: So you don't care if I die.
SECURITY GUARD: What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
JERRY: It was life and death.
SECURITY GUARD: Uh huh.
JERRY: Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
SECURITY GUARD: I don't know.
JERRY: Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why! Do you think I enjoy living like this?... The shame, the humiliation... You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.
SECURITY GUARD: You can tell the police all about it. 
 
George, Kramer, and Elaine
KRAMER: (calling out) Jerry!
ELAINE: Jerry!
GEORGE: Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story. 
ELAINE: Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him.
GEORGE: Oh now you're gonna go?
ELAINE: I'll be back in five minutes.
GEORGE: If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you.
ELAINE: No, no, I'll be back.
(she leaves)
GEORGE: Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.
KRAMER: Does that bother you?
GEORGE: Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?
KRAMER: Not at all.
GEORGE: See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?
KRAMER: I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?
 
Security Guard's Office
JERRY: First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.
SECURITY GUARD: I know what you did.
JERRY: Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating. And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah I'm sure.
JERRY: You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle.
 
Parking Garage
(Elaine is looking for jerry. She's talking to an older black man about to get in his car)
ELAINE: ...and now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.
MAN #2: I can't do it.
ELAINE: But why? Why can't you do it?
MAN #2: I can't.
ELAINE: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
MAN #2: That's right.
ELAINE: But why? Why don't you want to?
MAN #2: I don't know.
ELAINE: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
MAN #2: No, I wouldn't. 
 
Security Guard's Office
JERRY: All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen. What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.
 
Parking Garage
(George and Kramer, still looking for the car)
KRAMER: The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds.
GEORGE: (uninterested) Really.
KRAMER: What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?
GEORGE: Who's Killer Kowalski?
KRAMER: He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.
GEORGE: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
KRAMER: So go.
GEORGE: Here?
KRAMER: (shaking his head) You and Jerry. 
(George walks off as Kramer continues to scan the garage.  George finishes up. He zips up, then turns, startled. The same security guard, arms folded, staring at him)
 
Security Guard's Office
GEORGE: Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life...
SECURITY GUARD: Oh your folks have an anniversary today too? 
Now George spots Jerry
SECURITY GUARD: (to George) was he also in a red Chinese prison?
GEORGE: (to Jerry, somewhat impressed) A red Chinese prison?
 
 
Parking Garage
(Kramer, wandering aimlessly)
KRAMER: George! George!
ELAINE: Jerry! Jerry!! (Then she checks her fish...)
 
Monolog
JERRY: You know when you're walking with someone and you assume that they know where the car is? And you're fine until you see them do this move. (imitates the stop and look back) Once they do this: When they look back from where they came from... No... You're in bad shape now. Nobody that knows where they're going does that. Pilots on planes don't open the cockpit door and go:
 
Parking Garage
(Jerry and George are back in the garage each holding their summons)
JERRY: Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens?
GEORGE: Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy.
JERRY: Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.
ELAINE: Jerry!
JERRY: Elaine?!
ELAINE: Jerry! Over here...
(They see Elaine)
ELAINE: Where have you been?
JERRY: I was arrested for urinating.
GEORGE: (proudly) Me too.
ELAINE: You what?
JERRY: I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know.
ELAINE: Look at my fish...
(Jerry examines it)
ELAINE: Is he...
JERRY: No, but he's not looking good...
(Elaine turns to two huge body builders in workout wear)
ELAINE: (desperate) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying.
MAN #2: Can't do it.
ELAINE: I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish?
MAN #3: Sorry. (they keep walking)
ELAINE: That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed. 
(they look back at her)
ELAINE: That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that?
GEORGE: Elaine, shut-up.
JERRY: Don't worry... (pretending to have a gun) Packin' heat.... (to George) Hey, where's Kramer?
GEORGE: I don't know. (to Elaine) Where's Kramer?
ELAINE: I thought he was with you.
GEORGE: See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen... 
(he looks at Jerry's watch and throws his hands up)
GEORGE: Look at the time, that's it.
ELAINE: Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side?
GEORGE: We came in over there!
ELAINE: We didn't come in over there!
JERRY: Where's Kramer? 
(Jerry sees the attractive red headed woman they saw earlier)
JERRY: Hey George, there she is again. ...
GEORGE: So what do you want me to do?
JERRY: Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.
GEORGE: That is an opening. 
(George tentatively approaches her)
GEORGE: Excuse me... I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if...
RED HEAD: Oh sure, I'll drive you around.
GEORGE: You will?
RED HEAD: Sure.
(George waves for Jerry and Elaine)
GEORGE: Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here.
RED HEAD: I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals.
GEORGE: Yeah, right.
JERRY: Filthy pigs.
(They all get in the car)
GEORGE: It's a brown Ford... 
RED HEAD: This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating.
ELAINE: Hi, I'm Elaine.
JERRY: Jerry.
RED HEAD: Hello.
ELAINE: It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me.
RED HEAD: I'm happy to do it. (to George) I'm Amy.
GEORGE: Hi Amy, I'm George.
(George turns to the back seat and gives and give a, "how bout this?" look. Parking garage - minutes later long shot of car - the brakes squeal and the car comes to an abrupt stop, then George, Elaine, and Jerry get out)
GEORGE: (talking in passenger window) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were... 
(she pulls out, leaving rubber)
GEORGE: ...with that group.
ELAINE: (shouting to red head) What about my fish?
JERRY: Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive.
ELAINE: I'll say.
(They turn to George, who's gaping at something)
ELAINE: What is it?
(they discover what he's staring at)
ELAINE: The car!
JERRY: The car!
GEORGE: The car!
ELAINE: We found it. I can't believe it!
(They walk to it... Suddenly George stops)
GEORGE: Kramer, Kramer's not here... I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (screaming) Kramer! Kramer!
JERRY: Kramer!
(They all slump against the car. Elaine holds up her fish...)
 
Parking Garage later
(one hour later same shot... but no fish. In the distance we can make out Kramer struggling with the air-conditioner. Jerry taps Elaine with his elbow. Elaine taps George. We stay on Kramer as he gets closer)
JERRY: Kramer.
KRAMER: Jerry?
JERRY: Yeah, over here. 
KRAMER: Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was?
GEORGE: Purple 23.
KRAMER: It's purple 23. Remember that.
GEORGE: Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down.
(They get into the car)
KRAMER: What time is it?
GEORGE: Seven forty-five.
KRAMER: Well at least there's no traffic.
GEORGE: Right.
KRAMER: What time does that play start?
GEORGE: Eight o'clock.
KRAMER: That might be a problem. (to Elaine) Where's your little bag of...
(Jerry signals Kramer NOT to mention her fish)
KRAMER: All right, let's giddyup
  (Kramer tries to start the car but it fails to do so....)
 
Closing Monolog
JERRY: See, the problem with the mall garage is that everything looks the same. They try to differentiate it. They put up different colors, different numbers, different letters. What they need to do is name the levels like: "Your mother's a whore." You know what I mean? You would remember that. You'd go, "I know, I'm parked at 'My father's an abusive alcoholic.' I know where I parked."
END