The Subway

Writers: Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
Director: Tom Cherones
The Cast:
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Guest Stars:
Ernie Sabella as Naked man
Barbara Stock as Hooker Woman
Rhoda Gemignani as Older Woman
Mark Boone Jr. as OTB Patron
Christopher Collins as Thug
Barry Vigon as Player #1
Joe Restivo as Player #2
Daryl Roach as Violinist/cop
Chet Nelson as Kid

Opening Monolog
JERRY: As a kid, my favorite ride was the bumper car. Remember? Going around in a circle. There was always one kid that could not do it. Do you remember this kid? As soon as the ride gets started he'd be, like, stuck in a pack of empty cars. Just... "Excuse me. Excuse me. It won't go! Come on! It's almost over!" He always ends up with the attendant hanging off that big pole helping him steer it. "Stop crying." Then there's always that other... One other really bad car... The helpless father-and-son team. This is another car Just not going anywhere. They're never organized. Who's on the wheel? Who's pressing on the gas? Just: "Son, turn the wheel."

Monk's

(the whole gang at a booth)
KRAMER: All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the North at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
ELAINE: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
KRAMER: Well, yeah...
ELAINE: Ok, what time is your job interview George?
GEORGE: 9:45
JERRY: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
GEORGE: Why not?
JERRY: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of a salesman'.
GEORGE: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature.
ELAINE: All right, I'm gonna go.
JERRY: What time is the lesbian wedding?
ELAINE: 9:30
GEORGE: Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they flip a coin?
ELAINE: Yeah, they flip a coin.
GEORGE: What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.
JERRY: I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns)
GEORGE: I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking "That's why I'm not heterosexual."
KRAMER: Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go.
JERRY: Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?
KRAMER: Yeah.
ELAINE: Yeah.
GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.
 
New York Subway
GEORGE: How many tickets are you paying today?
KRAMER: Well, let's see, speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah.
(gives George a ticket)
GEORGE: No doors?
KRAMER: I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks.
  (Blind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody else gets some change, except George.)
GEORGE: I can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out.
VIOLIN PLAYER: Thank you.
GEORGE: That guy is not blind.
JERRY: So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I got to pick up my car at the pound. George?
GEORGE: I can't believe they actually found your stolen car.
JERRY: Not only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was aligned.
GEORGE: That's amazing.
JERRY: So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me.
GEORGE: What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them.
JERRY: All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?
ELAINE: I can't. I'm the best man.
JERRY: Kramer, bumper-cars?
KRAMER: I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you?
JERRY: Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone.
ANNOUNCER: (subway announcement) 42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F train.
(They all get off and go to different directions.)
ELAINE: See'ya.
 
Setting The Plots
 
  • Jerry comes in and sits down. Fat man across him gives a look.
  • George gets on another subway. Sits next to a beautiful woman. They smile to another
  • Kramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat.
    Stumbles around as all seats get filled right before him. He squeezes himself to same seat with obese young man.
  • Jerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves and Jerry falls in his seat.
George's Subway Car
(Woman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her)
WOMAN: You looking for a job?
GEORGE: Me, why?
WOMAN: Well, you're reading the classifieds.
GEORGE: Oh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter.
WOMAN: You didn't look like someone who needed a job.
GEORGE: Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep.
WOMAN: So, you're in 'the market'?
GEORGE: Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.
WOMAN: Which market?
GEORGE: Which market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.
WOMAN: So, do you work for one of those big broker-houses?
GEORGE: They wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big broker-houses killed my father.
WOMAN: Really?
GEORGE: Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've never looked back.
(Train horn blows and George looks back)
 
Elaine's Subway Car 
  (She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman approaches her)
OLDER WOMAN: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
ELAINE: It's ironic.
OLDER WOMAN: What's ironic?
ELAINE: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.
OLDER WOMAN: No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?
ELAINE: Oh...
OLDER WOMAN: Where are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party?
ELAINE: A wedding.
OLDER WOMAN: A wedding?
ELAINE: Yeah
OLDER WOMAN: Hah, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with men and women.
ELAINE: You're telling me.
OLDER WOMAN: So, are they a nice couple?
ELAINE: Oh, very nice.
OLDER WOMAN: What does he do, if you don't mind me asking?
ELAINE: She.
OLDER WOMAN: She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son.
ELAINE: There is no he.
OLDER WOMAN: There is no he. So, who's getting married?
ELAINE: ...eh-hem, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.
OLDER WOMAN: Lesbian wedding.
ELAINE: Aha, yep. I'm the...eh-hem...best man.
OLDER WOMAN: (talks to man next to her) My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)
ELAINE: No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!
 
Kramer's Subway Car
  A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat. Kramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the paper. The other man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece of one page.
 
Jerry's Subway Car
  He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to the floor. Fat Man across gives him a look.
 
Elaine's Subway Car
(Train is full packed.)
ELAINE: (to herself) I'm really looking forward to this. I love weddings. Maybe I'll meet somebody, ...umm maybe not.
(Train suddenly stops)
ELAINE: (to herself) Oh, man. We're stopping?
 
George's Subway Car
WOMAN: Well, this is where I get off.
GEORGE: Oh, you do?
WOMAN: Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.
GEORGE: No, no, what, what?
WOMAN: Well, I was going to say... Why don't you get off with me, but you're
obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something.
GEORGE: Yeah, well....
WOMAN: Yeah I knew it was a bad idea.
(George is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs after her)
GEORGE: Hey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when
I wanna get off.
(He gets stuck between closing doors.)
GEORGE: I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train!
Don't start the train!!
 
Kramer's Subway Car
(Kramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking.)
MAN 1: This, it's the fourth horse of the first race, Pappanick.
MAN 2: How do you know it's going to win?
MAN 1: My UPS guy tells. Guys who own the horses are regular customers. Every horse he has ever given me has won. See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's been getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna break his maiden. It's going to go to great price, maybe 30:1. I'm telling you ,it's a lock.
MAN 2: But it rained last night.
MAN 1: Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.
MAN 2: His mudda' was a mudda'?
MAN 1: What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to call my bookie. Hey, don't tell anybody.
(Kramer quickly turns away)
 
Jerry's Subway Car
  (Jerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy is now naked and reading a paper.)
JERRY: O-K. You realize of course, you're naked?
NAKED MAN: Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.
JERRY: You oughta' sit here. There is a difference.
NAKED MAN: You got something against naked body?
JERRY: I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe a squat thrust?
NAKED MAN: Who's got time for squat thrusts?
JERRY: All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.
NAKED MAN: I like a good breakfast.
JERRY: I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bimbo broals(?) and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory.
NAKED MAN: I'm not ashamed of my body.
JERRY: That's your problem, you should be.
(Naked man drops half of his newspaper)
JERRY: Don't get up, please, allow me.
(Jerry picks up the paper)
 
Elaine's Subway Car
(Elaine is still trapped in a stopped train.)
ELAINE: (to herself) Oh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that?

I feel something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a gage. We are in a cage.

What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring.

Oh, I can't breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. Think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help me! Move it! C'mon move this f***** thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? What can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'd think the conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice!!!

What's that on my leg?!!

(Lights in the train go off)
 
Hotel Room
(George and the woman step in to a hotel room.)
GEORGE: Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket.
OLDER WOMAN: Make your-self comfortable.
(She steps in to bathroom.)
GEORGE: (thinking to himself) Make myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like an idiot. She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make yourself comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There, that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible.
(She comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nighty.)
GEORGE: Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.
 
Off Track Betting
  (Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. He is talking with a guy behind in the line.)
KRAMER: Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him.
GUY: The bug boy.
KRAMER: Yeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break his maiden.
GUY: Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night.
KRAMER: Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob. Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.
GUY: His father was a mudda'?
KRAMER: His mother was a mudda'.
GUY: His mother was a mudda'?
KRAMER: What did I just say?
(Kramer gets to the cashier)
KRAMER: Hey, all right, 600 Pappanick to win.
 
Jerry's Subway Car
NAKED MAN: They still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mark... You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast.
JERRY: I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching... They got no hitting. 
NAKED MAN: No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murray... They got no defense.
JERRY: Defense? Please... They need speed.
NAKED MAN: Speed? They got Coleman... They need a bullpen.
JERRY: Franco's no good?.. They got no team leaders. 
NAKED MAN: They got Franco!.. What they need is a front office.
JERRY: But you gotta like their chances.
NAKED MAN: I LUV their chances.
JERRY: Tell you what. If they win the pennant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.
NAKED MAN: It's a deal!
 
Elaine's Subway Car
(Elaine is in a stopped train with no lights.)
ELAINE: (to herself) Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars my whole life could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds.

1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana... No, I'm still here! Still here!!!

Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!!
(Train starts moving, lights get back on)

It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!!
(Train stops again and lights go off)
MOTHER FU******!!!

 
Hotel Room
  (George and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The woman is putting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard of the bed)
GEORGE: Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things.
OLDER WOMAN: Oh, don't worry. I do.
(She steps in to the bathroom)
GEORGE: You know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.
OLDER WOMAN: (from the bathroom) Like what?
GEORGE: Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts your mother to shame"
(She comes out of the bathroom fully clothed)
GEORGE: What's going on?
OLDER WOMAN: It was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I have to get going.
GEORGE: Get going? But we haven't really, you know....
OLDER WOMAN: Eight dollars? Eight dollars?!!
GEORGE: What are you doing? You're robbing me?!!
WOMAN: I wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars?!
GEORGE: Wait, wait a second, what are you doing?
OLDER WOMAN: I'm taking your clothes.
GEORGE: No, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg .
OLDER WOMAN: Bye George.
GEORGE: No wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?
 
Off Track Betting
  (Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. The race is on and Pappanick is slowly making ground)
KRAMER: (pounding himself imitating the jockey and shouting) Yes! Yes! Yes!...
OTB ANNOUNCER: The winner is Pappanick
KRAMER: Yes! Yes! I won, hey... (shouts to cashier)
  Kramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money around. There is a big thug looking at the money.

Kramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him. He makes a run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and so does the thug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes.

 
Jerry's Subway Car
  (The naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are getting of the train.)
NAKED MAN: I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years.
JERRY: First we ride the cyclone.
NAKED MAN: Chilly out.
(Jerry takes a deep breath)
JERRY: Aah, French fries.
 
Subway Car
  Kramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where the blind violinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and the thug picks Kramer up and looks for the money.
THUG: (to Kramer) Give me the money. Give me the money!
(Blind violin player puts a gun to the thug's head)
VIOLIN PLAYER: Freeze, Police!
 
Monk's
(Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting in a booth)
JERRY: No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed.
ELAINE: (disappointed) Too bad.
JERRY: You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at what we won!
(Waves around a stuffed monkey)
JERRY: You want him?
ELAINE: Get that out of my face.
JERRY: So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!
(George enters wearing a sheet)
(A young man at the counter yells)
YOUN MAN: Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna!
GEORGE: How would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little punk?!!!
ELAINE: George?
JERRY: Biff... What did you whistle on the elevator?
GEORGE: You have my spare-key in your apartment, right?
JERRY: Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.
GEORGE: Give me your key, I gotta get it.
KRAMER: What happened?
GEORGE: Never mind what happened, just give me the key.
JERRY: Come on, I'll go with you.
ELAINE: Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)
KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait...  Give me that.
  (Kramer gets the check, looks at it, pulls out a wad of cash and pays. Jerry and Elaine look amazed.)
 
Closing Monolog
JERRY: All right. So I take the subway down to Coney Island to go on the Cyclone. I'm riding on the subway. I'm sitting on the D train for an hour and 15 minutes to go on a scary ride. Okay, how dumb is that? You know that first sharp drop on the Cyclone? Fell asleep.
END