The Pez Dispenser

Created By: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Written By: Larry David
Directed By: Tom Cherones
The Cast:
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Guest Stars:
Elizabeth Morehead as Noel
Fred Sanders as John
Bill Applebaum as D'Giff
Allen Bloomfield as Polar Bear
Chris Barnes as Richie
Steve Kehela as Intervenor
Kate Benton as Roberta

Opening Monolog

JERRY:

Women put on perfume in an interesting way. Ever notice that, guys? They have their little key, Stratego little areas. Places they think we're going. And they always hit this one. Women are convinced that this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen in the dating world. What is that, ladies? What is happening here? Is that in case you slap the guy or something? He still finds you intriguing? SMACK!!! "Oh, Chanel!"

Jerry's Apartment
GEORGE: She's a pianist, a classical pianist! She plays the piano. She's a brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the Waldstein Sonata! The Waldstein! (singing) Ya da dada dada ya de dada dada... hehe We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my life! Y'know?
(Jerry emerges from the bathroom)
JERRY: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
GEORGE: I was telling you about Noel.
JERRY: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...
GEORGE: (sarcastically) Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...
JERRY: All right, I'm sorry. What about her?
GEORGE: What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?
JERRY: I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.
GEORGE: No everything is not going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have no hand...
GEORGE: How do I get the hand?
JERRY: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the 
hand right from the opening.
GEORGE: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...
JERRY: Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...
GEORGE: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Hey, smell my arm... Smell it!
GEORGE: With all due respect, I don't think so...
JERRY: That smells good, what is that?
KRAMER: The beach!
JERRY: The beach?
GEORGE: What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out!
KRAMER: I just joined the Polar Bear Club.
JERRY: You joined the Polar Bears?!
GEORGE: What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"?
KRAMER: Well, it's these people... they go swimming' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating....
JERRY: Yeah... So's shock therapy.
JERRY: (with glee) What is that, a Pez dispenser?!
KRAMER: Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.
GEORGE: Hey, what goes on there, exactly?
JERRY: You don't know?
GEORGE: No, I-I-I know... (eating Chinese food) I know...
JERRY: You think they have fleas there, don't you?
GEORGE: No...
JERRY: Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there.
GEORGE: All right, I think they have fleas there. So what...
 
Theater Seats at Noel's Recital
ELAINE: I don't know how anyone does this. It must be so nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers?
JERRY: They have a piano backstage they warm up on.
ELAINE: No, we would have heard it.
JERRY: What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?
GEORGE: I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.
JERRY: (quickly whispering) I resent that you said that! That's directed at me, isn't it?!
(The audience starts applauding. A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano.)
JERRY: Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps)
  Noel begins playing Dramatically when Jerry helps himself to some PEZ Candy.
He then stands the Tweety PEZ dispenser up on Elaine's purse on her lap.
Elaine valiantly tries to hold back her laughter, but it escalates from a giggle to a chortle to a chuckle to laughter to snorting.
Noel is visibly shaken and she has difficulty playing with this anonymous distraction from the member of her audience.
Elaine removes herself from the auditorium, all the while chuckling and gasping for breath.
 
Outside of the Theater
(Elaine comes stumbling out of the theater when she runs into an old acquaintance, John Mollika,)
MOLLIKA: (not know what Elaine was laughing about)... Something I said? It's John... John Mollika.
ELAINE: Oh, oh, John... Oh, hi John... Hi...
MOLLIKA: What're you doing down here?
ELAINE: Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I started laughing. hahahaha..
MOLLIKA: Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up. 
ELAINE: We did. We're just hanging out. 
MOLLIKA: Really. Wow... You really look great. 
ELAINE: Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel? 
MOLLIKA: Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs. I don't know what to do for the guy.
ELAINE: Have you thought about an intervention?
MOLLIKA: What's that?
ELAINE: You get all his friends in a room, They confront him to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now. 
MOLLIKA: He'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to Jerry... Jerry would have to be involved... He really respects Jerry.
 
Inside the Theater 
(Jerry is playing with Tweety Bird PEZ dispenser; making Tweet applaud Noel using his fingers)
 
Outside Noel's Dressing Room
  (after her performance Jerry, Elaine and George check on Noel at her dressing room)
ELAINE: ...I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!
GEORGE: What did you put the PEZ dispenser on her leg for in the first place?
JERRY: I dunno,.. It was an impulse.
GEORGE: What kind of a sick impulse does that??
JERRY: How could I know she would start to laugh?
ELAINE: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am!
JERRY: Can we just go in already?
GEORGE: What are we gonna tell her?
ELAINE: I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.
GEORGE: No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a jerk...
ELAINE: (To Jerry) Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.
JERRY: What about?
GEORGE: Hey, hey! We're discussing something here!
JERRY: I know, but I'm distracted now.
GEORGE: What are you? A baby!? All right. I'll Tell her.
ELAINE: (to Jerry) When I was outside I ran into John Mollika. 
JERRY: Really, John Mollika, the guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?
ELAINE: He's good. 
GEORGE: (interrupting) Uh, can we cut to the chase?
JERRY: Cut to the chase?
GEORGE: Yeah...
JERRY: What're you, "Joe Hollywood"?
GEORGE: A lot of people say it.
JERRY: I would lose that.
GEORGE: (Accusingly) What's that?
JERRY: Lose that? That's not a Hollywood expression!
GEORGE: (Realizing full well it isn't) Yes it is.
ELAINE: Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told  him that he should do an intervention.
JERRY: Really, an intervention ...
GEORGE: Ya know people, we got a situation over here!
ELAINE: Yeah, but he wants you to be a part of it.
JERRY: Me? Why me?
ELAINE: 'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you.
JERRY:  (fiddling with his PEZ dispenser) Ya know these things are really hard to load...
GEORGE: All right, OK, I'm goin' in.
JERRY: (to Elaine) We've got to talk about this
ELAINE: All right.
(They Enter)
GEORGE: (to Noel) Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.
NOEL: (in disgrace) Noooo..
GEORGE: Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry... Noel?
JERRY: You play a Hell of a piano.
ELAINE: Yeah, I was really moved, really moved.
NOEL: Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was humiliated...
ELAINE: Well, I'm sure it wasn't at you she were laughing at...
NOEL: Well then, what was she laughing at?
JERRY: PEZ?
NOEL: Uh, no, No thank you... Did you see her? 
GEORGE: Me, uh, uh, no...
JERRY: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
ELAINE: Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
JERRY: Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.
NOEL: I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. (she exits briefly)
ELAINE: I'm sure she would apologize if she could. (to George) Probably somebody is holding her back against every fiber in her being.
GEORGE: If she wants to continue to have a fiber of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other)
(Noel re-enters)
GEORGE: All right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat.
NOEL: I don't feel like it tonight.
(Jerry and Elaine are preparing to leave)
JERRY: We'll be outside
ELAINE: Yeah
JERRY: It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?
NOEL: I just crack my knuckles.
(Jerry and Elaine exit)
GEORGE: C'mon... We'll have a good time
NOEL: I don't feel like it.
GEORGE: Ah, come on.
NOEL: I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!!
GEORGE: Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqué. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine.. (he exits)
 
Monk's
JERRY: You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.
ELAINE: What? How?
JERRY: A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.
ELAINE: So? What happened? 
JERRY: What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead.
ELAINE: Shut up! 
JERRY: All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobody liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.
ELAINE: What about Kramer?
JERRY: He's the same!
 
Jerry's Apartment
(Jerry on phone)
JERRY: Are you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye.
(Kramer enters)
JERRY: (to Kramer) Remember Richie Appel?
KRAMER: (looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson? 
JERRY: Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here. 
KRAMER: Can I get in on that?
JERRY: What do you think? It's like a poker game?
KRAMER: Is Elaine going?
JERRY: Yeah
KRAMER: Well, I knew him as well as she did.
JERRY: Yeah, but John invited her.
KRAMER: So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?
JERRY: No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening. 
(Buzzer )
GEORGE: It's George
JERRY: Stop smelling your arm.
KRAMER: You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach
JERRY: Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea."
KRAMER: Tell me about it!
JERRY: Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.
(George enters)
GEORGE: Well it's over. It's definitely over. 
JERRY: She broke up with you?
GEORGE: No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.
JERRY: What was on the list?
GEORGE: Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink, 
JERRY: Yeah, Postum is under-rated, 
GEORGE: Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said no, maybe we could get together for lunch. You know what that means.
JERRY: What's wrong with lunch?
GEORGE: Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it. 
KRAMER: I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble?
GEORGE: I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.
KRAMER: Break up with her 
GEORGE: What?
KRAMER: You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.
JERRY: A preemptive breakup. 
GEORGE: A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.
 
Monk's
(George and Noel sitting in a booth)
GEORGE: So, I am have to going to break up with you.
NOEL: You're breaking up with me?
GEORGE: I... am breaking up with... you.
NOEL: Wow.
GEORGE: Shocked?
NOEL: I really am. 
GEORGE: Never expected this did you?
NOEL: I thought everything was fine.
GEORGE: Well, live and learn.
NOEL: I don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles?
GEORGE: Kind of.
NOEL: I'm very confused.
GEORGE: Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.
NOEL: I thought,...
GEORGE: Now, stop it ...
NOEL: What do you want, I can make you happy.
GEORGE: When you're playing the piano do you think about me?
NOEL: I don't know.
GEORGE: This is what I'm talking about.
NOEL: OK, I'll think about you.
GEORGE: All the time.
NOEL: All the time? ... OK, All the time.
GEORGE: I can't hear you.
NOEL: All the time. ALL THE TIME.
GEORGE: See, It's not so hard. 
 
Calvin Klein
(Kramer putting his scented arm to Steve D'Jiff)
KRAMER: Go ahead smell, smell
STEVE D'JIFF: Yeah, so?
KRAMER: Do you recognize it?... The beach.
STEVE D'JIFF: What are you talking about?
KRAMER: Oh, I'm talking about the beach.
STEVE D'JIFF: What about it?
KRAMER: You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh yeah.
STEVE D'JIFF: That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.
KRAMER: Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said?
STEVE D'JIFF: Do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odor.
KRAMER: So you don't think it's a good idea?
 
Jerry's Apartment
MOLLIKA: (he has two cotton balls stinking out of his nostrils. He says to Elaine) The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid so I have to stick tissue up there
ELAINE: (very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that? 
MOLLIKA: Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me.
MAN 1: Are there any ice cubes?
JERRY: In the freezer.
MAN 1: I looked. There aren't any ice cubes.
JERRY: Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes.
MAN 1: I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks away)
STEVE D'JIFF: Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?
STEVE D'JIFF: What's the plan?
JERRY: Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.
MAN 1: Well, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either.
MOLLIKA: No, we all have to talk.
ELAINE: What's the order?
MAN 2: We'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta.
ROBERTA: Why am I first? 
ELAINE: Albano is your last name.
ROBERTA: That's not my name any more. I'm divorced.
STEVE D'JIFF: I'll go first.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Hey.
JERRY: Hey.
KRAMER: Is this the interference?
JERRY: Intervention.
STEVE D'JIFF: What are you doing here? 
KRAMER: Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?
STEVE D'JIFF: Hey, this is for close friends only.
KRAMER: I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?
MAN 2: Let him stay.
KRAMER: Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.
STEVE D'JIFF: Somebody's going to make that crap?
(old men of The Polar Bears enter)
POLAR BEAR: Kramer!
KRAMER: Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies.
MAN 1: They can't stay.
POLAR BEAR: We're having a party here?
JERRY: No, we're having an intervention
POLAR BEAR: An intervention? Who's intervening?
JERRY: There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.
POLAR BEAR: Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a  polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"
(Buzzer)
MAN: It's him.
ROBERTA: What should we do?
ELAINE: Hide!
(everyone scatters)
JERRY: It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom)
GEORGE: It's George
JERRY: Yeah, come on up... It's not him.
MOLLIKA: (to Elaine) If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender.
ELAINE: Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now.
MOLLIKA: Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?
ELAINE: You're getting warm.
(George and Noel enter)
GEORGE: We just came from Chadway's. What's going on?
JERRY: We're having the intervention for Richie.
GEORGE: Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?
JERRY: Well, uh..
NOEL: (walks over to Elaine) Elaine, hi.
ELAINE: Oh, hi Noel
(Noel sits on couch with Elaine with the Polar Bear between them)
JERRY: Well, you're looking well.
GEORGE: Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man." I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.
STEVE D'JIFF: Even if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on.
(George approaches and pays homage to Kramer)
GEORGE: (to D'Jiff pointing to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius!
STEVE D'JIFF: You think so?
GEORGE: I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you
POLAR BEAR: The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy.
ELAINE: (Chuckles)
POLAR BEAR: at least give me a pocket.
ELAINE: (laughs out loud)
(Noel turns to Elaine, and Elaine's laugh fizzles to a fake cough.. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven)
NOEL: That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one.
ELAINE: No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry. (loudly) Jerry put a PEZ dispenser on my leg!
NOEL: You put a PEZ dispenser on her leg during my recital?
JERRY: I didn't know she would laugh.
(she marches towards George)
NOEL: You lied to me George, you lied to me!
GEORGE: No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do?... (sees her leaving) Where are you going?
NOEL: I ... am breaking up ... with you! 
GEORGE: You can't break up with me. I've got hand!
NOEL: And you're going to need it.
(Noel exits, George chases her)
(Richie and John Mollika enter)
JERRY: Hey Richie
RICHIE: (puzzled) So what's going on?
 
Jerry's Apartment... Later
JERRY: It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back.
GEORGE: I can't do these puzzles. 
JERRY: So he starts to get up He spots the PEZ dispenser on the coffee table 
GEORGE: Ah ah PEZ dispenser.
JERRY: He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them 
GEORGE: Well they're hard to load.
JERRY: Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but PEZ is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition. 
GEORGE: Poor kid.
JERRY: So as he's telling the story he starts crying. 
GEORGE: What did you do?
JERRY: What do you think? I gave him my PEZ dispenser.
GEORGE: Wow
JERRY: Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on PEZ. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.
GEORGE: What's a three letter word for candy?
JERRY: I can't do those things.
 
Closing Monolog
JERRY: Jawbreakers, to me, was like the ultimate challenge candy. It was like candy manufacturers were sitting in their laboratories, going: "I wonder if they'll eat this. This seems pretty tough to eat. Let's market it as some sort of experiment." But the concept of Jawbreakers... What was the concept? Multicolored cement balls for a quarter? Was that the idea behind it? "Let's see if we can hurt them. Let's see if they'll pay to be hurt." This is the idea behind Jawbreakers. I did it, I ate them, I loved them. "Oh, this is very painful. I'm really hurting. And this is hurting me a lot. I love them."
END