The Suicide

Written by: Tom Leopold
Directed by: Tom Cherones
The Cast:
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Guest Stars:
Gina Gallego as Gina
Mimi Lieber as Rula
C.E. Grimes as Martin
Howard Schecter as Doctor
Aimee Aro as Faithy
Peggy Lane O'Rourke as Nurse

Opening Monolog
JERRY: I'm going to get a physical examination. That urine sample. Giving them that, that's always a pleasure, isn't it? Then there's always the amount question: "I don't know what you need. I gave you whatever I had there. I got more. Whatever you need, I can get it for you. Just let me know what you need. It's no problem, I mean..." But any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is I always click into this thing where I wanna do really well. If it's gonna be a physical test, I wanna do well. Remember in school, they'd do hearing tests? And you'd really be listening, you know trying to really... Trying to do well, I wanna do well. I wanted to do unbelievable on that test. I wanted them to come to me after the test and go: "We think you may have something close to super hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington. We'd like you to meet the president."
 
Jerryís Apartment
JERRY: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
ELAINE: Na.
JERRY: What are you doing? Weíre going out for dinner in ten minutes.
ELAINE: Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?
(buzzer)
JERRY: Yeah.
GEORGE: Itís George.
JERRY: Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. Youíve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?
ELAINE: I donít know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?
JERRY: I think Iíll take out the garbage.
ELAINE: Hey, have you ever fasted?
JERRY: Well, once I didnít have dinner until, like 9:00 oíclock, that was pretty rough.
(exits to hall with garbage and meets George)
Hey, do me a favor will yaí? Throw out my garbage for me.
GEORGE: Yeah, right.
JERRY: Come on, itís just down the hall.
GEORGE: Give me two bucks. Iíll do it for two bucks.
JERRY: Iíll give you 50 cents.
GEORGE: Thereís no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.
JERRY: Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drakeís coffee cake
GEORGE: Youíre not getting no Drakeís Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yah, Hey, Iím all set. I got the ticket. Iím going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
JERRY: I donít get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
GEORGE: Itís an incredible deal. I donít know why you donít come with me.
JERRY: Nah, I donít go for these non-refundable deals. I canít commit to a woman. Iím not going to commit to an airline.
(Gina enters the hall)
GINA: Hi.
JERRY: Hi.
GINA: How are you?
JERRY: Gina, do you know what a Drakeís Coffee Cake is?
GINA: Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top.
JERRY: How much do they cost?
GINA: The junior?
GEORGE: No, no the full size.
JERRY: No, no the junior.
GEORGE: You didnít say "junior".
GINA: I havenít had one of those since I was a little girl.
JERRY: Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here!
(Martin enters the hall) How yaí doing?
MARTIN: Good enough.
(Martin leaves with Gina)
JERRY: Boy sheís sexy isnít she?
(Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramerís apartment and knocks on the door. As he and George enter Jerryís apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.)
JERRY: Do you believe that guy?
ELAINE: What guy?
JERRY: My neighbor
ELAINE: Oh, that creepy guy?
JERRY: Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her?
GEORGE: He didnít seem too pleased.
ELAINE: Maybe Iíll get a steak with french fried onion wings.
GEORGE: Hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing. 
JERRY: Whatís so amazing? Youíve seen him before.
GEORGE: I havenít seen him for months.
JERRY: What was the dream?
GEORGE: I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. The night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.
JERRY: I think Iíve played there.
GEORGE: Iíve had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.
JERRY: Youíre a little paranormal 
ELAINE: Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic.
GEORGE: Really?
ELAINE: Uh uh, you should go some time. 
GEORGE: Iíd love to go. Make an appointment.
JERRY: Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job? 
GEORGE: I just got fired.
JERRY: Alright, come on, lets get out of here.
ELAINE: I wonder what Gandhi ate before his fast.
JERRY: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. 
ELAINE: Really?
JERRY: Oh, yeah. Gandhi loved Triscuits. 
(They exit)
 
Jerryís Apartment
(late at night there is knocking at the door)
JERRY: Who is it? Who is it?
GINA: Itís Gina.
JERRY: Who?
GINA: Martineís girl friend. 
JERRY: Martine?
GINA: You next door neighbor.
JERRY: Oh, Martin!
(Jerry opens door)
GEORGE: Itís Martine. I think heís dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.
JERRY: What? 
GINA: Come on.
JERRY: In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
GINA: We donít have enough time. 
JERRY: Itíll take two seconds.
GINA: There is no time.
JERRY: We donít have two seconds?
GINA: All right. Go ahead.
JERRY: Nah, forget it.
GINA: No, go ahead.
JERRY: Nah. Iíll just wear the pajamas.
GINA: Will you just get it.
JERRY: Are you sure?
GINA: Forget it. Come on.
JERRY: Nah, Iíll go get the robe. 
 
Metropolitan Hospital Center
JERRY: Thatís not too bad. Itís not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime. 
GINA: You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.
JERRY: Really? Itís over?
GINA: I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a manís hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy. 
JERRY: Oh boy, did he say anything about me?
GINA: He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drakeís Coffee Cake.
JERRY: He said that?
GINA: He was screaming about it all night. How itís too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it. 
JERRY: Iím sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly. 
GINA: I wasnít.
JERRY: You werenít?
GINA: No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me?
JERRY: Of course.
GINA: Tell me everything.
JERRY: Are you sure he canít hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.
GINA: I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him. 
JERRY: I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how theyíre going to look at a thing like this.
GINA: I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead. 
JERRY: No, I just wanted to see what time it was. 
GINA: Are you afraid of him? 
JERRY: No.
GINA: Then kiss me.
JERRY: Here?
GINA: Yes, right here.
JERRY: Is this the proper venue?
GINA: You donít want to?
JERRY: No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to. 
GINA: Then kiss me right in front of him.
JERRY: I canít. What if he wakes up?
GINA: A man is lying here unconscious and youíre afraid of him? What kind of a man are you? 
JERRY: A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guyís got a coma going like this Ö you donít want to mess with it.
 
Jerryís apartment
KRAMER: Hey.
JERRY: Hey. 
KRAMER: Did you hear about Martin?
JERRY: Yeah, I heard.
KRAMER: I canít believe heís in a coma.
KRAMER: Heís got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do? 
JERRY: Who told you about Martin?
KRAMER: Newman! Heís good friends with him.
JERRY: Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed. 
KRAMER: Heís got all of my attachments, you know. 
JERRY: Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?
KRAMER: What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kevorkian? 
JERRY: You know I donít get that whole suicide machine. Thereís no tall buildings where these people live? They canít wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person? 
KRAMER: So whatís going on between you and Gina?
JERRY: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night.
KRAMER: Uh, uh.
JERRY: So weíre in the room and sheís trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him. 
KRAMER: Uh, uh, you see thatís the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?
JERRY: Nothing.
KRAMER: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you donít have the guts to kiss his girlfriend? 
JERRY: I didnít know what the coma etiquette was. 
KRAMER: There is no coma etiquette. You see thatís the beauty of the coma, man. It doesnít matter what you do around it. 
JERRY: So youíre saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, itís all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.
KRAMER: Iíd give him 24 hours to get out of it. They canít get out of it in 24 hours, itís a land rush.
JERRY: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, heís thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, thereís nothing left?
KRAMER: NOTHING LEFT! Thatís why Iím trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebodyís going to grab it. 
 
The Psychic, Rulaís Apartment
RULA: Martinís spirit came to you as a warning.
ELAINE: Why would he come to George?
RULA: Because George has heightened extra sensory perception.
(snaps a her daughter)
FAY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE!
GEORGE: I knew it. I always felt different. 
RULA: You are. Some coffee cake? 
GEORGE: Drakes? 
RULA: Yes.
GEORGE: Did you buy this for me?
RULA: No, why?
GEORGE: Ha, because I love Drakeís Coffee Cake.
RULA: Maybe I did.
ELAINE: Take it away.
GEORGE: She hasnít eaten in two days.
RULA: Whoís Pauline?
GEORGE: Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.
RULA: Do you think about her?
GEORGE: When I hear her name mentioned.
RULA: Cut these with your left hand.
GEORGE: There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.
RULA: I see an Audrey, but with a small nose.
GEORGE: Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?
RULA: Not in this life. 
ELAINE: (to Rula) Should you be smoking?
RULA: (to Elaine) Does it bother you?
ELAINE: Youíre pregnant.
GEORGE: Elaine....
RULA: I smoked when I had Faisy. Ah oh.
GEORGE: Ah oh? What? What Ah oh?
RULA: I donít know about this trip George.
GEORGE: You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?
ELAINE: Itís really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.
GEORGE: Elaine, sheís a psychic. She knows how the kidís going to be. 
GEORGE: Should I not go on this trip?
RULA: George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me.
ELAINE: Now listen. I just donít know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth. 
GEORGE: Elaine, what are you doing?
ELAINE: Itís disgusting.
RULA: I DONíT BELIEVE IT! I would like you both to leave. 
ELAINE: Oh fine, I donít like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.
RULA: Get the hell out.
(Elaine leaving)
GEORGE: A plane crash?! A Heart attack?! Lupus? Is it Lupus?!
RULA: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando.
GEORGE: If you donít say anything I will assume itís a plane crash.
RULA: Get out!!!
GEORGE: (panicking) Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a plane crash?!!
 
Jerryís Apartment
GINA: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles. 
JERRY: You can say what you want about me but Iíll be damned if Iím going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush. 
GINA: It is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses Jerry). Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?
JERRY: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.
GINA: Who are these Stooges you speak of?
JERRY: Theyíre a comedy team.
GINA: Tell me about them. Everything.
JERRY: Well, theyíre three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.
GINA: You will show me The Stooges?
JERRY: I will show you The Stooges.
GINA: When?
JERRY: Well, I donít really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.
GINA: Come, you walk me to a cab.
JERRY: Well, uh, I uh, I donít want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe itís not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.
GINA: Youíre still afraid. You are not a man.
JERRY: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
GINA: Are you going to walk me to a cab or not?
JERRY: Yeah, all right. All right.
(Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman)
KRAMER: (to Newman) You should just eat fruit. 
NEWMAN: (to Kramer) I canít eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.
KRAMER: ???
NEWMAN: Hello Gina... Hello Jerry.
JERRY: Hello... Newman.
 
Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway
JERRY: Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.
GEORGE: People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didnít hurt me.
ELAINE: (jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move?
JERRY: Boy, itís a good thing we came.
GEORGE: Could there be a native problem in the Caymans? Maybe thereís native unrest.
  (Elaine gets up to speak to a nurse)
ELAINE: Hi, I havenít eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.
NURSE: Weíll call you.
JERRY: George, I want you to promise me something. If Iím ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage. 
GEORGE: How come?
JERRY: Looters.
ELAINE: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it? 
JERRY: Sheís really hungry.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Hey.
ELAINE: Kramer
KRAMER: Well, Newmanís upstairs visiting Martin. 
GEORGE: Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?
KRAMER: Youíre not going?
GEORGE: No.
KRAMER: Why not?
GEORGE: The psychic said something terrible will happen.
KRAMER: I dig. 
 
Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martinís room
KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, sheís going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, sheís going to kill me.
NEWMAN: He canít hear you, you idiot. Why donít you just buy another one. 
KRAMER: Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?
NEWMAN: I have a carpet sweeper you can use.
KRAMER: I donít want a carpet sweeper. They donít do anything. 
NEWMAN: It gets my rug clean. 
KRAMER: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
NEWMAN: Well, you should take a look at my rug then.
KRAMER: I wouldnít set foot in your house.
(Jerry enters)
JERRY: Hello.
NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.
JERRY: Howís he doing? 
KRAMER: He looks happy to me.
NEWMAN: I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.
JERRY: Why wouldnít he?
NEWMAN: No reason.
JERRY: Heíll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess. 
NEWMAN: Iíll bring him up to date.
JERRY: How up to date?
NEWMAN: Oh, all the way up.
JERRY: And nothing could change your mind? 
NEWMAN: Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn.
KRAMER: Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. Heís not going. 
NEWMAN: I donít care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..
JERRY: Drakeís Coffee Cake 
NEWMAN: Wow, where did you get that?
JERRY: From my house. I got a whole box of them. 
NEWMAN: Boy, thatís the full size.
JERRY: Thatís your big boy.
NEWMAN: Can I have a bite?
JERRY: I donít give out bites. I got another one. But Iím saving it for later. 
NEWMAN: Just one bite?
JERRY: I donít think so. You know they, theyíre so fragile. 
NEWMAN: All right! All right. I wonít say anything. 
JERRY: You swear?
NEWMAN: I swear.
JERRY: On your motherís life?
NEWMAN: On my motherís life.
KRAMER: oh oh oh oh oh
  (Newman takes the Drakes Coffee Cake, opens it up and sniffs it like it's a bag of really good weed)
NEWMAN: Oooh, 
 
Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway
ELAINE: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck. 
(George sees the Psychicís daughter, Faisy and follows her into the Psychicís room)
GEORGE: Ösweetheart, no come here, Ö sweetheart!
RULA: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)
GEORGE: How did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal. 
RULA: The nurse said she would be right back. Theyíre supposed to take me into the delivery room. 
GEORGE: Oh, thatís great. Thatís great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day.
Friend? Uh, uh I donít even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldnít get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..
RULA: Oh, whereís the nurse
GEORGE: I donít know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why donít you get a nurse for mommy?
Ö Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip. 
RULA: Donít take that trip.
GEORGE: Yeah, why? Why? 
RULA: (screams) EEEY, because.., because... bee...
(Doctor enters)
DOCTOR: All right, Rula, itís time to go.
GEORGE: Because? Because
 
Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martinís room
(Elaine enters Martins room)
ELAINE: Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! (she sees Newman's coffee cake) Ö Drakeís Coffee Cake? Ö (she lunges for it) Give me that.
NEWMAN: Jerry, you better stop her or Iíll tell.
JERRY: Elaine! No! No!
MARTIN: Ooooh, ahhhh, 
(In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth)
GEORGE: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
(Martinís room Ė Martin grabbing Jerry Ė Elaine eating the Drakeís Coffee Cake)
NEWMAN: He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.
KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner!
JERRY: Hey!
NEWMAN: It was disgusting.
 
Jerryís Apartment
JERRY: What are you doing? Weíre going out to dinner in ten minutes.
GEORGE: I never assisted in a birth before. Itís really quite disgusting. 
JERRY: What did she name the kid?
GEORGE: You wouldnít believe it. Rasputin.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Heey!
GEORGE: Hey.
JERRY: Hey.
GEORGE: when did you get back?
KRAMER: A couple of hours ago.
GEORGE: So how was it?
KRAMER: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.
JERRY: osh.
KRAMER: They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
JERRY: Woah. (hitting George)
KRAMER: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.
JERRY: Wow! (hitting George)
KRAMER: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson 
JERRY: Oh! (hitting George)
KRAMER: We played Backgammon in the nude.
JERRY: Oh! (hitting George)
KRAMER: Sheís a sweet kid.
JERRY: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!
KRAMER: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. Thatís probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.
GEORGE: Yeah, you gottaí watch for the jellyfish.
KRAMER: Yeah.
KRAMER: Whatís this?
JERRY: Oh, itís an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina.
KRAMER: They moved in together?
JERRY: Yeah, itís some place down in the village. 
KRAMER: Phew.
(buzzer)
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: Itís Elaine.
JERRY: All right weíre coming down.
KRAMER: Hey, where yaí going?
JERRY: Weíre taking Elaine to dinner. Sheís got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?
KRAMER: Um, Iíd like to but a bunch of us from the islands, weíll be getting together.
GEORGE: Elle McPherson going to be there?
KRAMER: OH! I got to call her back.
  (Kramer exits)
 
Closing Monolog
JERRY: The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people that try and commit suicide for some reason, they don't die, and then that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life better? No. In fact, it's worse, because now they've found out here's one more thing you stink at. That's why these people don't succeed at life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.
END