The Boyfriend (Part 2)

Written by: Larry David and Larry Levin
Directed by: Tom Cherones
The Cast:
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Guest Stars:
Keith Hernandez as Himself
Roger McDowell as Himself
Rae Allen as Mrs. Sokol
Wayne Knight as Newman
Carol Ann Susi as Carrie
Lisa Mende as Carol
Stephen Prutting as Michael
Richard Assad as Cabbie
Melanie Good as Tall Woman

Unemployment Office
(Mrs. Sokel has got his unemployment from waiting for him to sign it)
MRS. SOKOL: Just sign here please.
GEORGE: I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that. (snaps fingers) 
MRS. SOKOL: Sign that.
GEORGE: Who is this? (sees photo)
MRS. SOKOL: It's my daughta'
GEORGE: THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my saying. She is breathtaking.
MRS. SOKOL: Ya' think so?
GEORGE: Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get it outta here. Let me just sign this and go. 
MRS. SOKOL: You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
GEORGE: Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya'… you trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that. 
MRS. SOKOL: I'm serious. 
GEORGE: It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to torture me like this. There's no call for that. 
MRS. SOKOL: Would you like her phone numba'?
MRS. SOKOL: Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh... Where should I sign this thing?
MRS. SOKOL: No no no, Don't worry about it.
 
Fitzpatrick's Bar
ELAINE: So tell me more about this game 6.
KEITH: Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one out away from losing the series.
ELAINE: Ooooh ahhh!!
 
Mike and Carol's Apartment
KRAMER: (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo...
JERRY: (to baby in baby talk) Hello. How are you?
CAROL: So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?
JERRY: Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here.
CAROL: So how do you think she looks like? 
KRAMER: Lyndon Johnson.
CAROL: What? Lyndon Johnson?
JERRY: He's joking.
KRAMER: I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.
CAROL: Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the bay-bee?"
JERRY: I was saying the same thing.
CAROL: Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera.
JERRY: Uh, you don't have to take a picture.
MIKE: I don't know where it is.
CAROL: It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! … He's such an idiot.
JERRY: Jerry, You want to pick her up?
JERRY: I better not.
KRAMER: I'll pick her up.
(the baby starts crying)
  * NOTE: It is at this point where you hear George screaming in the background "AHHHH!!!
 
George's Car
(George has got himself a date with the wholesome, overweight daughter of Mrs. Sokel)
CARRIE: Thank you for a wonderful time George. 
GEORGE: Glad you enjoyed it.
CARRIE: I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.
GEORGE: … millions and millions …
CARRIE: Would you like to come up? 
GEORGE: (pause) Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up and hit that pavement 
CARRIE: But it's Saturday. All the offices are closed. 
GEORGE: I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a key? 
CARRIE: Will you call me as soon as you get home? 
GEORGE: (pause) Tonight? 
CARRIE: Yes.
GEORGE: Will I call you when I get home? ha-ha.. What do you think? ee-you kill me kill me...
CARRIE: Well. good night. (she puckers up to kiss, emphasizing her extreme overbite)
 
Mike and Carol's Apartment
  (apparently Kramer had dropped the baby and the baby's screaminmg)
KRAMER: Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.
 
Keith's Car
ELAINE: Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun.
KEITH: Yeah, it was.
(thinking to himself) Gosh, should I kiss her good night?
ELAINE: (thinking to herself) Is he going to try to kiss me?
I love Cajun cooking.
KEITH: Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun.
ELAINE: Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha 
KEITH: Maybe they should get together.
(thinking to himself) Go ahead. Kiss her. I'm a baseball player dammit.
ELAINE: (thinking to herself) What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy.
KEITH: (thinking to himself) Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want to.
ELAINE: (thinking to herself) This is getting awkward. 
KEITH: Well, goodnight
ELAINE: Good night
(they kiss)
ELAINE: (thinking to herself) Who does this guy think he is? 
KEITH: (thinking to himself) I'm Keith Hernandez.
 
Jerry's Apartment
ELAINE: Uh, who else? … Mookie... Mookie was there. Do you know him? 
JERRY: I don't know him. I know who he is.
ELAINE: Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one who got that hit …
JERRY: I know. He got the hit in game 6. So, so then what happened? 
ELAINE: Nuthin'. Then he took me home. 
JERRY: So, did you two, uh, … have uh, …
ELAINE: What?!
JERRY: …You know...
ELAINE: Milk? 
JERRY: No!
ELAINE: Cookies?
JERRY: Did he kiss you good night?
ELAINE: I dunno...
JERRY: What do you mean you don't know?
ELAINE: All right. He kissed me. Okay?
JERRY: Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make out thing?
ELAINE: Between a peck and a make out.
JERRY: So, you like him.
ELAINE: I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of him?
JERRY: Ah, I'm jealous of everybody. 
(phone rings)
JERRY: Hello... Oh, hi. What's happening? … What? Oh um.. sure, … Um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then... Yeah, yeah, Bye.
ELAINE: Who was that?
JERRY: That was Keith.
ELAINE: What's going on?
JERRY: He wants me to help him move.
ELAINE: Help him move? Move what? 
JERRY: You know... (looking disgusted)  furniture. 
ELAINE: So, what did you say? 
JERRY: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step in a male relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way. 
ELAINE: And you feel you're not really ready for,…
JERRY: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? 
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: What's going on?
JERRY: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move. 
KRAMER: What? Well, you hardly know the guy…. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you? 
JERRY: … I said yes. 
KRAMER: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport? 
JERRY: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! ..
KRAMER: Yeah yeah...
JERRY: Hey Kramer, Do me a favor.
KRAMER: What?
JERRY: Don't mention it to anybody.
KRAMER: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. (exits)
 
George's Car
GEORGE: I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get home.
CARRIE: Don't botha
GEORGE: Bother, wa', What kind of bother?
CARRIE: I would prefa' it if ya' didn't.
GEORGE: Why? Is there anything wrong?
CARRIE: It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayonara. 
GEORGE: Why?
CARRIE: I bin thinkin' about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff Loman. 
GEORGE: I went to the hardware store interview.
CARRIE: You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails? 
GEORGE: I thought were a team.
CARRIE: If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. (exits car)
GEORGE: Carrie, could you do me a favor? Could you not mention this to your mother?
 
Fitzpatrick's Bar
KEITH: Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves. 
ELAINE: (chuckles)
KEITH: I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it.
ELAINE: Ha, I didn't mention it.
KEITH: Well I won them anyway.
ELAINE: Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk. 
KEITH: Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base.
ELAINE: ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there. 
KEITH: The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock. 
ELAINE: Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in.
You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get it? Get it?
KEITH: Funny.
(Keith takes out a cigarette)
ELAINE: What are you doing?
KEITH: What's that?
ELAINE: You smoke?
KEITH: Yeah.
ELAINE: I didn't know you SMOKED.
KEITH: Is that a problem?
ELAINE: Uh, … (she looks disappointed)
 
Monk's
JERRY: She likes him I mean she really likes him.
GEORGE: How do you kn ow?
JERRY: Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy.
GEORGE: I suppose he's an attractive man, I , …
JERRY: Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike. 
GEORGE: Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know? 
JERRY: You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that.
GEORGE: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like 6'5". 
JERRY: Really? 
GEORGE: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?
JERRY: I don't know … 6'3". 
GEORGE: Wow, … God! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition. 
JERRY: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people. 
GEORGE: Magellan? You like Magellan?
JERRY: Oh, yeah,. My favorite explorer. Around the world. Come on.
GEORGE: Who do you like?
GEORGE: I like Desoto. 
JERRY: Desoto? What did he do?
GEORGE: Discovered the Mississippi.
JERRY: Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
GEORGE: All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a walk?
JERRY: No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment at three. I'm helping him move.
GEORGE: What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow.
JERRY: I know isn't that something? 
KRAMER: He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover?
JERRY: I don't know … he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break something. 
GEORGE: The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport..
JERRY: I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!
 
Unemployment Office
GEORGE: I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough for her.
MRS. SOKOL: Sign here please. 
GEORGE: Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something. She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her. 
MRS. SOKOL: All right just sign it. People are waiting.
GEORGE: You, uh, you like baseball? (picks up baseball from desk)
MRS. SOKOL: That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning that year.
GEORGE: Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez.
MRS. SOKOL: You know Keith Hernandez. 
GEORGE: Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him?
MRS. SOKOL: Oh, come on. Come on.
GEORGE: I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour. 
MRS. SOKOL: All right. You got ONE hour. 
GEORGE: All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back. 
(he makes the running dash for the door)
 
Phone Booth / Taxi
(George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. Then he hops into a cab)
GEORGE: 129 west 81st street and hurry.
(same cabby stares at him)
GEORGE: ...or not (exits cab) 
 
Jerry's Apartment
KEITH: Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed. 
JERRY: Is there a box spring?
KEITH: What's that?
JERRY: Is there a box spring?
KEITH: Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take that apart. Then we got the couch. 
JERRY: Is that a sectional? 
KEITH: Yeah. Twelve pieces. …and a marble coffee table. 
JERRY: Is that a thick marble?
KEITH: Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be real difficult getting it down the stairs. 
JERRY: STAIRS??? There's no elevator? 
KEITH: Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors. 
JERRY: I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't. 
(Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take)
KRAMER: Hello.
KEITH: Hello. 
KRAMER: Oh, you don't remember me. 
KEITH: No should I?
KRAMER: Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory. 
(Newman enters)
NEWMAN: June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp. 
KEITH: YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy." 
KRAMER: Ah, you remember. 
NEWMAN: And then you spit on us. 
KEITH: Hey, I didn't spit at you. 
NEWMAN: Oh, yeah, right.
KRAMER: No no no, well, then who was it?
KEITH: Well lookit... The way I remember it (back to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. … Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream out but it was too late. It was already on its way. 
JERRY: I told you! 
NEWMAN: Wow, it was McDowell. 
JERRY: But why? Why McDowell? 
KRAMER: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game. 
NEWMAN: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head. 
NEWMAN: It was McDowell.
KRAMER: Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry.
NEWMAN: Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.
KEITH: look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better get going.
KRAMER: Wait, uh what are ya' doing?
KEITH: I gotta move.
KRAMER: Want any help? 
KEITH: I'd love some. 
KRAMER: I'd love to help you move. 
NEWMAN: Me too. 
KEITH: Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile. We're going to have to handle it like a baby. 
KRAMER: No sweat. 
(they leave)
(phone rings)
JERRY: Hello, … Oh hi Elaine .. What's going on? … No he just left … You broke up with him? … ME TOO! .. What happened? … Oh smoking you know you're like going out with C. Everett Coope … Me? … Nah … I couldn't go through with it … I just didn't feel ready … So what are you doing now? … Oh, great idea, I'll meet you there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.
(George frantically enters)
GEORGE: Keith, Keith Wa-What happened? Where's Keith? 
JERRY: You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for?
GEORGE: (yelling out the window) Keith! Keith! Up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you to go to the unemployment office with me! I, I'm Jerry's friend! … The guy from the locker room, … I'm the chucker!!! It'll take five minutes. Wait!! Wait!!
(sits down)
JERRY: Well Biff... What's next? 
GEORGE: I don't know.
(a very tall girl enters)
TALL GIRL: Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet.
  (A defeated George looks up with pleasure to see his tall girl standing there)
 
Closing Monolog
JERRY: When You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean it's all you think about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. Shut up I'm looking for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it you can smell them. You walk into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard in the morning. You could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and your looking at the casket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice handles on it. And that's what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The pale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask to help you with a big move like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your whole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.
END