The Airport

Production Credits:
Supervising Producer: Larry Charles
Supervising Producer: Tom Cherones
Executive Producer: Andrew Sherman
Created By: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Written By: Larry David
Directed By: Tom Cherones

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
George Costanza ............... Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes .................. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Kramer ............................ Michael Richards
Tia ................................ Jennifer Campbell
Prisoner ........................... Scott Burkholder
Attendant #1 ........................ Jm J. Bullock
Attendant #2 ............. Karen Denise Williams
Grossbard ........................ Allan Wasserman
Passenger #1 .......................... Lenny Rose
Passenger #2 ........................ Annie Korzen
Security Guard .................... Deck McKenzie
Ticket Clerk ........................... Maggie Egan
Skycap .............. Mark Christopher Lawrence
Driver ........................ William Evan Masters
Opening Monolog
JERRY: Everything on planes is tiny. Tiny food, tiny liquor bottles, tiny pillows tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny soap. Everyone's in a cramped seat working on a tiny computer. Always a small problem. ''Be a slight delay. You'll be a bit late. If you could be a little patient. We're just trying to get one of those little trucks to pull us a little closer to the Jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway. There'll be a man in a tight suit. He'll tell you you have little time to make your connecting flight. So move it.''
Jerry's Car
  (Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport)
ELAINE: (singing) Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...
JERRY: Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you shut up? Open the window, please. It's hot in here.
ELAINE: You're wearing that heavy jacket.
JERRY: Fine, I'll take it off. Grab the wheel.
ELAINE: I don't want to do that.
JERRY: Come on. Just do it.
ELAINE: No, I don't like to do this.
JERRY: Elaine, just get it.
(Jerry begins taking off his jacket and pretends to get it snagged on the side of his seat)
My hand is stuck.
ELAINE: Okay, don't fool around.
JERRY: My hand. My hand!
ELAINE: Don't... Jer... All right, fine.
JERRY: Elaine.
ELAINE: Hey, guess what. This window doesn't work.
JERRY: I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works. Window doesn't work. Radio doesn't work. And it smells like a cheap hooker. Or is that you?
ELAINE: Give me 10 bucks and find out.
JERRY: So this worked out pretty good. Them giving me an extra ticket. You get a trip to St. Louis. I did my gig. You got to see your sister.
ELAINE: Yeah, it worked out good.
JERRY: And here's the beauty.
JERRY: George is picking us up at the airport.
ELAINE: Get out of here. Why?
JERRY: You know that awning outside my building?
JERRY: He always brags about his vertical leap so I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.
ELAINE: So, what happened?
JERRY: He didn't come within 2 feet of it. He's waving at it. So I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me.
ELAINE: Hey, how we doing on time?
JERRY: Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental-car shuttle, we walk on the plane.
On The Tarmat
BOTH: Wait up!
  Wait up!
BAGGAGE GUY: He-he-he-he.. Sorry.
BOTH: Wait!
Baggage Area
BAGGAGE HANDLER: Where you going?
JERRY: JFK. (to Elaine) I need some small bills for a tip, got any?
ELAINE: Yeah. You want a 5?
JERRY: Give me a 10.
ELAINE: You're giving him $10?
JERRY: Well, we got three bags.
ELAINE: That's a pretty big tip.
JERRY: That's what they get.
ELAINE: They don't get that much.
JERRY: Let's ask him.
ELAINE: You can't ask him.
JERRY: Let's see what he says.
ELAINE: Jerry, we don't have time.
JERRY: Two seconds.
(to baggage handler) Excuse me. My friend and I were having a discussion. We were just wondering what you usually get for a tip.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: Depends on the person and the bag.
JERRY: How about people like us?
BAGGAGE HANDLER: People like you? Not much. You don't look like you know what you're doing.
JERRY: Come on, seriously.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: Well, since you asked. Usually, I get $5 a bag.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: That's right.
ELAINE: Five dollars a bag? I don't think so.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: Look, you asked, I told you.
ELAINE: You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us.
JERRY: All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much.
ELAINE: You're lucky I don't report you.
JERRY: Come on.
BAGGAGE HANDLER: (grabs Jerry's bag) JFK.
(grabs Elaine's bag) Honolulu.
Running Through The Airport
ELAINE: Wait up.
JERRY: See? Never be late for a plane with a girl. Because a girl runs like a girl, with the little steps and the arms flailing out. You wanna make this plane, you gotta run like a man. Get your knees up!
Ticket Counter
JERRY: The flight's been canceled?
CLERK: Everything into JFK is booked.
JERRY: Uh...
CLERK: Wait, I have two seats into La Guardia. but they're not together. It's boarding now.
JERRY: We'll take them.
ELAINE: We're not going to sit together?
JERRY: Well, so what? It's not long. You'll read.
ELAINE: Well, what about George? He's picking us up at Kennedy.
JERRY: We'll call him.
ELAINE: There's no time.
JERRY: No time? Is there time?
CLERK: There's no time.
JERRY: There's no time. We'll call him from the plane.
CLERK: I have one seat in first class and one in coach. The price is the same because your flight was canceled.
JERRY: Well ah... I'll take the first class.
ELAINE: Jerry.
JERRY: What?
ELAINE: Why should you get the first class?
JERRY: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
JERRY: All right, then. See, you won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine. I can't go back to coach. I can't. I won't.
ELAINE: You flew here coach.
JERRY: Yeah, that's a point.
ELAINE: All right, fine. I don't care. The plane crashes, everybody in first class is gonna die anyway.
JERRY: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.
Aboard The Plane
FLIGHT CAPTIAN: Third row, right.
(to Jerry) Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.
JERRY: Bon voyage, Lainey.
  (A man with tons of bags on board with him is looking for his seat and finds Elaine is sitting in it)
MALE PASSENGER: Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, Miss. I think you're sitting in my seat.
MALE PASSENGER: Yeah, 13C. That's me.
ELAINE: Sorry.
  (Elaine shifts over to the next seat. He takes the aisle seat)
MALE PASSENGER: No, that's all right. (jamming a bag in the compartment above)
I never check my bags. Can't stand that waiting in the baggage area.
  (Finally, he is seated with his remaining bags on his lap)
ELAINE: Great. (frantically to herself) Help me...
First Class
MODEL (TIA): Excuse me. I think you're in my seat.
JERRY: Oh, really? My mistake. My mistake.
(mouthing to himself) Thank you.
Kramer's Car
GEORGE: Hey, thanks for coming with me.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah. What made you think you could touch that awning?
GEORGE: I confused it with another awning.
KRAMER: Man... So how we doing on time?
GEORGE: We're perfect. I timed this out so we'd pull up at the terminal exactly 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them enough time to get off the plane pick up their bags, and be walking out of the terminal as we roll up. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I cannot express to you the feeling I get from a perfect pickup.
(noticing Kramer is taking a different route)
What are you doing?
GEORGE: What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? You know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!
KRAMER: Will you relax?
GEORGE: I had it perfectly timed out. The Grand Central. The Van Wyck. You've destroyed my whole timing.
KRAMER: This is the best way to go.
GEORGE: Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup, and I lose my $50.
KRAMER: George, there's no traffic at this time. Come on.
GEORGE: Really?
KRAMER: If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to go to the duty-free shop.
GEORGE: The duty-free shop?
GEORGE: Duty-free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. You know how much duty is?
GEORGE: Yeah. You know how much duty is?
KRAMER: No, I don't know how much duty is.
GEORGE: Duty's nothing. It's like sales tax.
KRAMER: Well, I'd still like to stop at the duty-free shop.
GEORGE: (singing) I like to stop At the duty-free shop
BOTH: (singing) I like to stop At the duty-free shop
I like to stop At the duty-free shop
First Class
TIA: So he says, ''Squeeze your breasts together.'' And I say, ''I thought this was an ad for shoes.''
JERRY: Heh, heh , heh... Oh, my.
TIA: Is that the new Esquire?
JERRY: Yeah.
TIA: Turn to page 146. Coming out of the shower.
JERRY: Good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up. What is this an ad for?
TIA: See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus?


Uh haaa... (examining the magazine ad)

Kramer's Car
  (stuck in stalled traffic, George in plenty pissed off while Kramer looks around them)
KRAMER: How does it look on your side?... We'll get there.
ELAINE: (thinking to herself) Oh, look at this. He's sleeping, and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him.
(looking at the woman on the other side of her chewing gum) Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum. That's helpful.
The Airport Terminal
  (Kramer and George are running, rushing through the corridors)
GEORGE: They're not here. You cost me 50 bucks!
KRAMER: Look at you. You run like a girl. Come on. Run like a man. Lift your knees.
  (looking at the departures)
GEORGE: We're wasting our time here. (standing restless with his arms crossed) We're a half-hour late. They probably took it off the board!
KRAMER: No, there it is. Right there, 133. And it's canceled.
GEORGE: Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pickup? I was here.
KRAMER: Alright.. OK.. Let's check at the ticket counter.
GROSSBARD: There it is, honey. (looking at departures with his wife) Gate 18A, 8:30.
KRAMER: (he spots Grossbard and points at him) Did you see that guy?
GEORGE: No. What guy?
KRAMER: That guy. He was standing right here.
GEORGE: No, I didn't notice him. Listen, you over to the ticket counter. I'll go to the gift shop and get a copy of TIME magazine. There's supposed to be a blurb about Jerry. I think he mentioned my name.
KRAMER: I know that guy.
GEORGE: Yeah...
Airport Gift Shop
  (In the gift shop, a captured mass murderer enters, escorted by the Feds)
CONVICT: Gotta get my TIME magazine. Never miss my TIME.
FEDS: Okay, get your magazine and let's get out of here.
  (George beats him to the TIME magazine)
CONVICT: Hey. I was gonna take that.
GEORGE: Gee, I'm sorry. I got here first.
CONVICT: I don't care. I want the magazine.
FEDS: Okay, let's go.
GEORGE: No, you see? You don't understand. There's a blurb about me in this.
CONVICT: A blurb? You're a blurb. Check out the cover, idiot.
  (George sees a mug shot of the convict with the headline reads "Captured")
FEDS: OK-Let's go.
CONVICT: Just give me second. (yelling to George) I want the magazine!
GEORGE: Ah.. no.
CONVICT: You know what I would do to you if I wasn't in these shackles?
GEORGE: (loudly) But you are, Blanche. You are in the shackles.
CONVICT: You little son of a--
GEORGE: (loudly) Ohhhh, I can't wait to read my TIME magazine. Last copy too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow,... in the park. It's supposed to be a bee-utiful day. Have a nice life... sentence, that is. You miserable....
  (Kramer enters.. turns and sees Grossbard in the gift shop)
KRAMER: They're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in half hour, only at La Guardia.
GEORGE: La Guardia? Right, come on.
KRAMER: Wait a second.
GEORGE: Come on.
KRAMER: (staring at Grossbard) Where do I know that guy from?
GEORGE: We gotta go, come on.
On Board in Coach
ELAINE: (thinking to herself in the male passenger's face)
Wake up, you human slug. Wake up. Wake up!
I can't hold it anymore.
(to male passenger)
Excuse me. I've gotta go to the bathroom. I've gotta go to the bathroom.
MALE PASSENGER: Ah sheesh... Uh..
ELAINE: I'm sorry.... (working her way out) Can you move that? Would you move your seat up, please?
MALE PASSENGER: HEY!... Ah... ah.. AH!
  (Elaine then trips and fall into the aisle and into the man across and looks at him)
ELAINE: Tsk!... Tsk!
On Board in First Class
  (Jerry and Tia are dabbing their faces with cloths... with wine glasses at their seats)
JERRY: Oh, my, that is refreshing.
TIA: Mmmmm..
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Would you care for some slippers?
JERRY: Sounds lovely.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here you are. (handing him the slippers)
JERRY: Thank you very much. May l?
TIA: Please.
JERRY: (putting a slipper on her foot) Why, it's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.
  (they both laugh)
Back in Kramer's Car
  (George is looking at the TIME magazine)
GEORGE: My name is not mentioned in this blurb.
KRAMER: That's it... (remembering) It's Grossbard.
GEORGE: Do you believe this? Nowhere to be found.
KRAMER: I knew that face looked familiar. It's Grossbard.
GEORGE: Who's Grossbard?
KRAMER: When I lived on Third Avenue and I 8th Street, 20 years ago, l had this roommate who was always behind in his rent. One month, he asked me to loan him his share of the rent, 240 bucks. He took the cash and pffft... disappears. Well I tried to find him. I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Never got that money back. He screwed me! And that's the guy... John Grossbard.
GEORGE: Kramer, come on. It was 240 bucks 20 years ago.
KRAMER: I'm gonna turn around, get that guy.
GEORGE: No, no, no You cannot turn around.
KRAMER: (George grabbing the steering wheel) Let go of wheel. Let go..!
GEORGE: Kramer, you cannot go back! Kramer, you cannot abandon people in an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We... We must go forward. Not back.
On Board in Coach
  (Elaine is standing... squirming at the bathroom door holding "it" in.
A man emerges from the toilet [Larry Charles], and she start to go in...
but the stench is so bad, she hold her breath...then enters)
On Board in First Class
  (Meanwhile, Jerry returns from HIS bathroom experience...)
JERRY: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: They're gardenias, mostly.
JERRY: I thought I smelled lilac.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Yes, there are a few of those too.
TIA: Its almost overwhelming.
CAPTAIN: (over the loud speaker) Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. Due to equipment problems on the runway at La Guardia, we've been instructed by the tower to reroute and land at JFK...
On Board in Coach
  (Elaine emerges from the bathroom)
CAPTAIN: (continued) ...We apologize for any inconvenience.
ELAINE: What did he say? What did he say?
Kramer's Car at La Guardia
GEORGE: Well, you're not gonna believe it.
GEORGE: The plane's rerouted back to Kennedy. We got 45 minutes.
KRAMER: Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee. (Kramer peels out...)
On Board in First Class
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: We have some delicious Chateaubriand. My personal favorite. Or if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white-wine sauce with a hint of saffron.
JERRY: Oh, saffron. That sounds good.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: And today we're featuring wines from the Tuscany region.
BOTH: (in unison) Tuscany.
On Board in Coach
  (The flight captain is in the narrow aisle serving dinner)
ELAINE: Hi. Can I get to my seat?
FLIGHT CAPTAIN: You're just gonna have to wait. (with a snarling look)
ELAINE: I'm right there. You just passed it. I'm sitting next to that guy.
FLIGHT CAPTAIN: You're not supposed to get up during the food service.
ELAINE: Well, nobody told me that.
FLIGHT CAPTAIN: (with a snarling look) Look. This plane is full. I got a lot of people to serve. Now, please. You're just gonna have to wait.
  (George and Kramer are looking at departures)
GEORGE: There it is. Gate 46. We got plenty of time.
KRAMER: Grossbard's plane leaves in 10 minutes. I've still got time to catch him.
GEORGE: How? He probably boarded the plane already.
KRAMER: (thinking)... Give me your credit card.
GEORGE: My credit card?
KRAMER: Give it to me. Don't ask questions.
GEORGE: I'm not giving you my card unless you tell me what it's for.
KRAMER: To buy a ticket to get on that flight.
GEORGE: Are you nuts? You're gonna spend more for the ticket than you'll get from Grossbard.
KRAMER: I'm not gonna use the ticket. I'll get my money, get off the plane, turn your ticket in for a refund. Not gonna cost you a dime. Now come on, give me the card.
GEORGE: This is a great idea. Here. Use this one. I get frequent flyer miles with every purchase... Wait a minute, wait a minute... Get two tickets. You're returning it anyway, what's the difference? I'll get double the bonus miles.
KRAMER: Yes. Yes.
On Board in Coach
ELAINE: Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle. The flight attendant wouldn't let me through. There's no way to get around that cart.
MALE PASSENGER: You're not supposed to get up during food service.
ELAINE: I'll try and remember that.
MALE PASSENGER: Sheet.. (he gets up out of his seat holding a tray full of food)
ELAINE: Oh...Where's my meal?
MALE PASSENGER: He asked me. But you were gone so long, I thought you switched seats.
ELAINE: (calling to the flight captain) Excuse me. Excuse me, I didn't get a meal.
FLIGHT CAPTAIN: Are you sure?
ELAINE: Yes, I'm sure. I would know if a tray of food had been served to me.
FLIGHT CAPTAIN: Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.
ELAINE: A kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is.
MALE PASSENGER: I think it means when a rabbi has inspected it or something.
WOMAN PASSENGER: No, no, it all has to do with the way they kill the pig.
MALE PASSENGER: Come on, but they don't eat pigs.
WOMAN PASSENGER: They do if it's killed right. Under a rabbi's supervision.
LARRY DAVID: Oh, you know what? I ordered the kosher meal.
ELAINE: Then why didn't you take it?
LARRY DAVID: I ordered it six weeks ago. I forgot.
ELAINE: You're eating my food.
FLIGHT CAPTAIN: Hey, I got earplugs to collect. Do you want it or not?
On Board in First Class
  (Jerry and Tia are enjoying hot fudge sundaes)
BOTH: (in unison) Mmmmmm..
TIA: This is the best sundae I've ever had.
JERRY: Oh, man... You know what? They got the fudge on the bottom. You see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eating your ice cream.
TIA: I never met a man who knew so much about nothing.
JERRY: Thank you.
  (they both take a spoonful of their delicious sundaes)
BOTH: (in unison) Mmmmmm..
On Board in Coach
  (Elaine is just sitting there... pissed off)
On Board in First Class
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: More anything?
JERRY: More everything!
KRAMER: Look. I did good. I got supersavers. Come on.
GEORGE: Supersavers? Are they refundable? (looks at the tickets) You bought nonrefundable tickets. You idiot.
KRAMER: She talked me into it. Said it was the best deal.
GEORGE: Do you know how much this'll cost?
KRAMER: I'll tell you what. I'll split it with you, huh?
GEORGE: Ah... uh, uh ,uh...
  (they enter the plane)
GEORGE: Listen, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
KRAMER: Okay, okay.
  (Kramer, searching the seats. He approaches Grossbard)
  Hey... Hey.. (profiles his face to Grossbard) How about that, huh?
GROSSBARD: Excuse me?
KRAMER: Do you recognize me?
KRAMER: Come on. Twenty years ago.
KRAMER: Eighteenth Street?
GROSSBARD: I don't know what you're talking about.
  (He reaches over and grabs Grossbard by the coat)
KRAMER: Give me your money. Where's your wallet? The $240.
  (Meanwhile, George knocks on the bathroom door)
MAN IN TOITEL: Just a minute.
MAN'S VOICE: (from the background) Hey, buddy.
  (The door opens, and the convict emerges..)
GEORGE: WHOAAA!!!! (The convict pulls him in)
GEORGE: Kramer!
  (Meanwhile, Kramer is being "frog marched" off the plain by authorities)
KRAMER: George!
On Board in First Class
  (Elaine sneaks out of coach in the middle of night into first class and quietly takes a seat next to a woman in the back)
ELAINE: Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. (waking a sleeping woman)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (noticing Elaine and taps her on the shoulder) Excuse me. Excuse me!
ELAINE: What? Oh, no, nothing for me, thank you. I'm fine.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: What is your name?
ELAINE: Elaine Benes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You're going to have to go back to coach.
ELAINE: But there was nobody sitting here.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive.
ELAINE: No. Please don't send me back there. I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't wanna go back there. Please, don't send me back there.
(a tray of cookie appear) Oh, you got cookies.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You're going to have to go back to your seat.
ELAINE: Okay, fine. I'll go back. You know, our goal should be a society without classes.
(walking back into coach... yelling)
Do you realize the people up here are getting cookies?!
JERRY: What is all the racket back there? You're trying to relax on the plane, and this is what you have to put up with. What is going on?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir, this woman tried to sneak into first class.
JERRY: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is that curtain is no security. There really should be a locking door.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
KRAMER: Hey! Come on. Let go of me. I'm telling you, I didn't do anything wrong. That guy owes me 240 bucks.
AUTHORITES: Listen, pal, you're in big trouble.
  (Kramer manages to escape and runs away like a stray dog)
On Board in First Class
  (Jerry looks out his window and sees Kramer running along side)
JERRY: Nah.. Couldn't be...
Baggage Carousel at J.F.K.
JERRY: Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere. I got my bags. I'm ready to go.
ELAINE: Yeah, you got your bags.
  (shot changes to a Hawaii airport with Elaine's bag on the carousel... with a lei on it)
ELAINE: That was the worst flight I've ever been on in my entire life.
JERRY: Yeah, me too.
  (Tia walks by with photographers around her)
TIA: I'll call you.
JERRY: Okay. (to Elaine) It's a business thing.
  (Kramer suddenly shoots out of the baggage shoot)
KRAMER: Hey. You guys ready?
JERRY: Yeah. Where's George?
On the Plane
GEORGE: (screaming out of the window) Kramer!!!! Kramer!!!!
Closing Monolog
JERRY: But I have to admit that I like flying. I like those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's like a small apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, close the door, the light comes on. It's like a surprise party every time you go in there. But the worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it ''standby.'' You end up standing there going, ''Bye. I didn't.... Yeah.'' I was on this plane where the flight attendant. It was her first day on the job. So they didn't have a uniform for her yet. And that really makes a big difference. Here's just some regular person coming over, going: ''Would you bring your seatback all the way up?'' ''Who the hell are you?'' She says, ''I'm the flight attendant.'' ''Yeah, well, then I'm the pilot, all right? So why don't you sit down? I'm about to bring her in.''