The Movie

Production Credits:
Supervising Producer: Larry Charles
Supervising Producer: Tom Cherones
Executive Producers: Andrew Sheinman, Larry David, George Shapiro & Howard West
Creators: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Written By: Steve Skrovan, Bill Masters & Jon Hayman
Directed By: Tom Cherones

Jerry Seinfeld .......... Jerry Seinfeld
George Castanza ........ Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes ......... Julia Louis-Drefus
Kramer ......... Michael Richards
Buckles ..... Barry Diamond
Usher ....... Perry Anzilotti
Kernis ...... Tom La Grua
Maurice ... Eric Poppick
Woman Behind Elaine .... Cathy Lind Hayes
Cab Driver ..... Alan Kolman
Cashier ....... Molly Cleator
Concessionaire ..... Christie Mellor
Man In Line ..... Jeff Norman
Man In Theatre ..... Paul Eisenhauer
Woman In Theatre ........ Montrose Hagins
Opening Monolog
JERRY: The age-gap hiring policy at movie theaters: They never hire anyone between the ages of 15 and 80. Know what I mean? The girl that sells you the tickets, she's 10. Then there's the guy that rips it, he's 102. What happened in the middle? Couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You're 15. You're selling tickets. Then you leave. You go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren. Eighty years later, you're back at the same theater 3 feet away, ripping tickets. Took you 80 years to move 3 feet.
The Improv
JERRY: The show's delayed? Why?
KERNIS: I don't know. Diane told me to hold it for 15 minutes.
JERRY: But I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 9:50. I'm not gonna make it.
KERNIS: I hear you, guy.
JERRY: And I'm doing Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material.
KERNIS: Let me see what I can do.
  (a comedian, Buckles, walks by...)
JERRY: Oh, no, Buckles? You're not putting him on tonight, are you?
KERNIS: No. He hangs around in case somebody drops out. Look, why don't you come back and do the 11:00 spot.
JERRY: I was supposed to meet my friends to see this movie Checkmate at 10:30. All right, forget the movie. I'll do the 11:00 spot. I'll be back.
BUCKLES: Hey, Jer.
JERRY: Hey! (breezes by and leaves)
The Paragon
  (George is in a line at the Paragon movie theater)
GEORGE: Excuse me. Do you have a ticket?
GEORGE: Okay. Good.
An Other Comedy Club
MAURICE: You missed your spot. It was 9:15.
JERRY: But, Maurice, I'm positive you told me 9:50.
MAURICE: In any event, I had no alternative but to reassign your spot to one of your peers who possesses a clearer understanding of our scheduling policies.
  (Buckles walks by, appearing to have finished a set)
JERRY: What are you doing here?
BUCKLES: Hey, do you think this is funny? Why do they call it "athlete's foot"? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my father gets it all the time and, believe me, he's no athlete.
JERRY: I gotta go.
BUCKLES: Wait. Where?
JERRY: The movies.
BUCKLES: I thought you told Kernis you were going back to do the 11:00.
JERRY: I'm just gonna stop by and tell my friends I can't make it.
BUCKLES: Cool. I'll split a cab with you.
JERRY: I could be a while over there.
BUCKLES: I got time. It'll give us a chance to get to know each other a little better.
The Paragon
  (Elaine shows up in the ticket line with George)
ELAINE: Where is everybody?
GEORGE: Everybody's late. Because they know that good ol' George will get in line early.
ELAINE: Oh, I've been dying to see Checkmate.
GEORGE: Well, if it's as good as Ponce de León, I'll be happy.
ELAINE: Ponce de León? Are you kidding me? I hated that movie.
GEORGE: Ponce de León? But that was great.
ELAINE: Oh, come on. That fountain of youth scene at the end where they're splashing around and they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked. I mean, come on. It's so stupid.
GEORGE: Let me tell you something: When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed and that tear started to roll down his cheek, I lost it.
  (Kramer arrives)
KRAMER: Oh, there you are.
GEORGE: Where have you been?
KRAMER: Around the corner at the Paradise Twin.
ELAINE: Well, I told you the Paragon.
KRAMER: No, you said Paradise. It's playing there too, you know.
ELAINE: No. I would not have said Paradise. That's a twin theater. I want to see this movie on a big screen.
KRAMER: Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Papaya King.
GEORGE: You'll never make it back in time.
KRAMER: I haven't had any dinner.
ELAINE: You can get a hot dog at the theater.
KRAMER: I don't want a movie dog. I want a Papaya King hot dog.
ELAINE: Kramer, Jerry is gonna be here any second. Then this line's gonna start moving, and we'll end up in the front row.
KRAMER: Just save me a seat.
ELAINE: No, I don't wanna save seats. Don't put me through that. I once had the fleece ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident.
KRAMER: Alright, give me my ticket, then.
GEORGE: Well, I don't have them yet.
KRAMER: You don't have them yet?
GEORGE: Well, I'm in line to buy.
ELAINE: No, George, this is a ticket-holders' line.
GEORGE: No, it's not. It's the ticket-buyers' line.
ELAINE: Then how come we're not moving?
KRAMER: Good question.
  (George turns to a man in the line)
GEORGE: Is this the ticket-holders' line or the buyers'?
MAN IN LINE: Holders'.
GEORGE: When I asked you before if you had a ticket, you said no.
MAN IN LINE: I didn't. My friend was getting it.
GEORGE: That's good. It's good to be accurate.
(to Elaine) Alright, stay here. I'll go get tickets.
  (George leaves)
ELAINE: Can you believe him?
KRAMER: He spaced out.
ELAINE: And how long would you have stood in the ticket-holders' line? (looking at Kramer in a pause) Yeah, exactly.
  (George returns)
GEORGE: It's sold out.
ELAINE: Oh, real good, George... Real good!
GEORGE: Hey, I asked the guy if he had a ticket.
KRAMER: All right, what time is it?
GEORGE: Twenty after 10.
KRAMER: They got one at the Paradise at 10:45.
ELAINE: No, I don't wanna go to a miniplex multi-theater.
GEORGE: It's the same movie. What's the difference?
ELAINE: No, it's not a theater. It's a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.
GEORGE: All right, I'm going.
KRAMER: (to Elaine) It's in Dolby.
ELAINE: Well, what about Jerry?
KRAMER: (Kramer volunteers to wait for Jerry) Alright, you guys get the tickets. I'll wait for him.
GEORGE: Terrific. All right, come on.
ELAINE: All right.
In a Taxi Cab
BUCKLES: So then, when I was 12, the whole family moved from Bensonhurst to Sheepshead Bay. We were right on the water. The whole atmosphere stunk from fish. You know that fishy smell I'm talking about?
JERRY: Yeah, yeah. The fishy smell.
BUCKLES: To this day I won't eat fish. Do you eat fish?
JERRY: Yes! Yes, I eat fish!
BUCKLES: I don't know how you eat that crap.
JERRY: (to the driver) Take the Park.
BUCKLES: (to the driver) No, no, take 55th. No, there's beautiful homes there. There's lovely, talented, attractive people. (to Jerry) You'll thank me. Jerry, I want you to do me a favor... No more fish.
JERRY: Okay. I get your point.
BUCKLES: I have a point?
Outside the Paragon
GEORGE: Got them.
ELAINE: Beautiful.
GEORGE: Hey, you know what else is playing here? Rochelle Rochelle. I wouldn't mind seeing that.
ELAINE: Yeah. Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
GEORGE: So, what's your point? By the way, you owe me $7.50.
ELAINE: All right. Can you break a 20?
GEORGE: No. I don't have any change.
ELAINE: Well, then I'll pay you later.
GEORGE: Or I could take the 20, and I could pay you later.
ELAINE: Yeah, you could.
GEORGE: Might be easier.
ELAINE: Well, how's that easier? I mean, then you would owe me $12.50 instead of me owing you $7.50.
GEORGE: Either way.
ELAINE: Yeah, it's the same thing.
GEORGE: So can I have it?
ELAINE: I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda.
GEORGE: What do you mean, you'll get the popcorn and the soda?
ELAINE: I will buy your popcorn and soda, and we'll call it even.
GEORGE: Tell you what. Give me the 20, I'll buy you a popcorn and soda and I'll throw in a bonbons.
ELAINE: George, you're sapping my strength.
A VOICE: Come on. Go.
ELAINE: What about Kramer and Jerry?
GEORGE: I'll wait out here for them. You go save seats.
ELAINE: Me? (in a panic) But that's three seats. I can't save three seats. I told you about that guy who tore up my coat.
GEORGE: Save them, go.
ELAINE: No, but George...
A Taxi Cab
JERRY: (to the driver) Fifty-Fifth Street.
(to Buckles) Great idea. Saturday night, theater traffic. Good move.
BUCKLES: I wonder how lke Turner would react in traffic.
(imitating Ike Turner) "You better move that car, girl, before I bust you up."
And what about Jose Feliciano?
(imitating Jose Feliciano) "It's not bad enough that I can't see, I have to sit here for two hours. I don't think so."
It can be anybody. People down through history reacting in traffic.
Franklin Roosevelt
(Imitating FDR) "Driver..."
JERRY: All right, all right. I got the bit.
BUCKLES: Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material.
JERRY: That's nice of you. I can't do the voices.
BUCKLES: Jerry, don't start up with me.
JERRY: (to himself) I gotta get out of this cab.
BUCKLES: But, Jerry, we're riffing.
JERRY: No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the difference?
BUCKLES: Can you help me get on The Tonight Show?
Paragon Theater Seats
  (Elaine is in the theater saving seats)
ELAINE: No, these are saved.
MAN: All of them?
MAN: C'mon, you can't take four seats.
ELAINE: What, is that a rule?
  (George is walking down the aisle to the seats)
WOMAN: Are these your things?
GEORGE: Elaine, I can't wait anymore. I'm gonna miss the beginning.
WOMAN: Well, we'll take these seats. Would you please remove your stuff?
ELAINE: No, no, they'll be here.
WOMAN: But I am here. They are not.
ELAINE: They're coming. George, listen, run over to the Paragon and give Kramer the two tickets so they can come in.
(to other patrons) These are taken. Taken.
If you hurry back, you won't miss the beginning.
GEORGE: Why don't you go, and I could save the seats. You don't like saving anyway.
ELAINE: (to other patrons) No, taken! Taken, taken.
I'm getting the hang of it.
GEORGE: Why don't you give me the 20, I'll stop and get change and then you and I can, you know, settle up.
ELAINE: Can we do this later, George?
GEORGE: What's the point of discussing it anymore. You'll give me the money when you have it.
(George starts to leave but hesitates)
I trust you.
Outside at the Ticket Booth
  (Kramer is staring across the street, obsessing over Papaya King)
KRAMER: (To the ticket girl) Will you do me a favor? You see a guy who's about 5 foot 11, he's got a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's gonna be right back, okay?
Inside the Theater
ELAINE: (Yelling at patrons) No, I'm sorry. These are taken. They're in the lobby buying popcorn. What are you doing? These are taken!
DUDE 1: Which one?
ELAINE: These two and this one. (they try to defy Elaine's demands) No, don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken. They're taken! They're taken!
(Elaine then gives up and they proceed to take the seats anyway)
Oh, take them.
Outside at the Ticket Booth
GEORGE: Excuse me, have you seen a guy with, like a horse face, big teeth and a pointed nose?
TICKET GIRL: Flared nostrils?
TICKET GIRL: Nope. Haven't seen him.
Taxi Cab
BUCKLES: Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, please let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months?
JERRY: Your trench coat in my closet?
BUCKLES: Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills. I'm afraid to open the door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in the world.
JERRY: I can't keep your coat in my closet.
BUCKLES: I'm sorry you feel that way.
JERRY: Well, that's how I feel.
BUCKLES: Hey, your friends aren't here.
JERRY: They must be inside. I'm gonna run in and tell them I can't make the movie.
BUCKLES: We should go see Rochelle Rochelle. I hear it's really hot.
  (Jerry steps out of the cab)
JERRY: No, thanks. Maybe some other time.
BUCKLES: Really? Do you mean that?
JERRY: No, I don't.
BUCKLES: But you like the athlete's-foot bit, right?
JERRY: No. No. I was kidding. It was terrible.
(to the driver) Here you go.
(to Buckles) I'll see you later.
BUCKLES: Do you want me to wait for you?
JERRY: No. Don't wait. (walking away)
BUCKLES: Jerry, I'll wait just to make sure you get in, that's all.
Entrance To Theater
JERRY: I got friends inside I need to get a message to. You mind if I walk through real quick?
JERRY: (to the cab driver) Bye-bye.
Ticket Booth
KRAMER: Hey, did that guy show up?
TICKET GIRL: The guy with the horse face and the big teeth?
KRAMER: No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils.
TICKET GIRL: Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses, looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon head. But he left.
Inside the Theater
  (Two women are sitting behind Elaine, rudely yapping out loud)
WOMAN BEHIND: ...So I got home, and he was vacuuming. I mean, he's 12 years old. Who else but my Alan would do something like that? And then last night, he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us. He was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see he's got talent.
ELAINE: Excuse me. Excuse me.
WOMAN BEHIND: What's the problem?
ELAINE: You're talking.
WOMAN BEHIND: It's the coming attractions.
So anyway, he sings, he dances. And you know what he's gotten into now? He is cooking. He does a great...
  (Elaine leaves angrily)
Entrance to Theater
TICKET TAKER: Ticket, sir?
GEORGE: I just went out. I went to look for my friend.
TICKET TAKER: Do you have your stub?
GEORGE: My stub? Who keeps the stub? No one holds on to the stub. I'm going to the movies for 25 years, nobody ever asked me for the stub. You don't remember me?
TICKET TAKER: It's a big city, sir.
GEORGE: I went in with a pretty woman. You know, short, big wall of hair, face like a frying pan.
GEORGE: (searching his pockets) I can't find it.
TICKET TAKER: I can't let you in without your stub.
GEORGE: All right. Here... (hands him a ticket) It's my friend's ticket.
Inside Theater
  (George is searching seats at a theater)
GEORGE: Elaine?... Elaine?
VOICE: Sit down!
GEORGE: Elaine?
VOICE: Hey, shut up!
GEORGE: I'm looking for my friend.
VOICE: Check the bathroom. You're bothering us.
GEORGE: (yelling with a whisper) I know my friend's here. What do you want me to do?
VOICE: You can shut up!
GEORGE: Elaine?
  (George exits the emergency exit and find himself in a back alley, locked out)
In a Separate Theater
JERRY: Elaine?... Elaine?
  (Jerry's attention is captured by the movie trailer of Rochelle, Rochelle)
MOVIE TRAILER: "The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. It's a story about life and love and becoming a woman.... Rochelle Rochelle. Now playing at the Paradise Two."
Outside the Paragon
  (Kramer is seen waiting for Jerry but can't hold back any longer and runs across the street to get himself a Papaya King Hot Dog)
  (Jerry leaves the theater and hails a cab.)
Concession Stand
A CUSTOMER: "Thank you."
ELAINE: Can I have a medium Diet Coke?
CONCESSION GIRL: You want the medium or middle size?
ELAINE: What's the difference?
CONCESSION GIRL: Well, we have three sizes: Medium, large and jumbo.
ELAINE: What happened to the small?
CONCESSION GIRL: There is no small. Small's medium.
ELAINE: So, what's medium?
CONCESSION GIRL: Medium's large, and large is jumbo.
ELAINE: Okay, give me the large.
CONCESSION GIRL: That's medium.
ELAINE: Right... Yeah.... Can I have a small popcorn?
CONCESSION GIRL: There is no small. Child-size is small.
ELAINE: What's medium?
ELAINE: Do adults ever order the child-size?
ELAINE: Okay, give me the adult.
CONCESSION GIRL: Do you want butter?
ELAINE: Is it real butter?
CONCESSION GIRL: It's butter flavoring.
ELAINE: Yeah, well, what is it made of?
Taxi Cab
JERRY: Thanks. Thank you. You don't know how long I've been waiting out there.
CAB DRIVER: Very busy tonight. Very busy. Where you go?
JERRY: Forty-Fourth and 9th.
CAB DRIVER: Have you got a cigarette?
Entrance to Thearter
TICKET TAKER: Ticket, sir?
GEORGE: We've just been through this. You don't remember? We just had this exact conversation a minute ago.
TICKET TAKER: I need to see your stub.
GEORGE: I got the stub. I got the stub. I put it right in my pocket. (reaching in his pocket) I got the... (frantic) I'm telling you, I got the stub. I just... I don't know where it is.
TICKET TAKER: I can't let you in without your stub.
GEORGE: You just let me in. We just did this a minute ago! (hands him another ticket) All right. Okay. There. There you go, okay? That's my other friend's ticket. Happy now? You got two tickets. Two of my friends.
(George enters the theater and passes Elaine unknowingly)
  (Kramer approaches the ticket taker)
TICKET TAKER: Ticket, sir?
KRAMER: No, see, my friend bought me a ticket. See, I'm late. She's already inside.
TICKET TAKER: Go ahead. Enjoy the movie.
KRAMER: Thanks.
Inside The Theater
  (George enter the theater playing Rochelle, Rochelle)
MOVIE: "What is it, Your Majesty? Anyone asks..."
KRAMER: Is that seat taken?
WOMAN: It's all yours.
MOVIE: "When I tell you something, you damn better well listen. I'm getting tired of these questions. Yes, Your Majesty. I'm sorry, Grendel, I... I've been very taxed lately."
Taxi Cab
CAB DRIVER: Yeah, I'm very sorry. You give me a few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline.
JERRY: Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off?
CAB DRIVER: No. Impossible. It is on empty. See.
JERRY: (looking over to see) Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Inside Theater
  (Elaine is looking for her seat)
ELAINE: (whispering to herself) What happened to my seat? Oh, my God, where was I?
VOICE 1: Hey, sit down. I can't see.
VOICE 2: Get out of the way.
ELAINE: I can't find my seat.
  (she attempts to grab an empty seat)
VOICE: Just move!
ELAINE: No, you move!
  (Elaine trips over another patron, spilling popcorn all over the place)
YELLING VOICE: Get the hell out of here!
In Another Theater
  (George is in another theater watching Rochelle, Rochelle)
MOVIE: "Come, come, you're soaking wet. Come in. My name is Rochelle. I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk. Yes. Come by the fire. Take off those wet clothes. You'll catch cold. My hands are so cold, I can barely get these buttons open."
(A man sits in front of George, blocking his view.)
"That's much better."
(George is seen jockeying for position to see)
"Much, much better."
Ticket Taker
ELAINE: Listen, I just went to go get popcorn and... (popcorn falling from Elaine's hair) God. I just went to go get popcorn, okay, and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there.
TICKET TAKER: Well, there's a seat in the front row.
ELAINE: No, no, I can't sit in the front row.
TICKET TAKER: You're gonna have to wait then.
ELAINE: I can't stand around here for two hours.
TICKET TAKER: I can let you see Rochelle Rochelle.
ELAINE: Thanks. (she turns to walk away then stops) Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall, lanky doofus with a bird face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?
TICKET TAKER: Haven't seen him.
Taxi Cab
  (The cab is at the gas station.)
JERRY: Hey, let's go. I'm gonna miss my spot.
CAB DRIVER: Yes, yes, we go. We go. One minute. I run across the street for cigarettes.
JERRY: I don't have time. I'm gonna miss my spot.
CAB DRIVER: No, no. We go very soon.
Inside Theater
  (Kramer is seated in the theater eating a hot dog)
MOVIE: "I didn't know you enjoyed chess, Your Majesty. Why wouldn't I? Well, because the king is always in jeopardy. Yes, but it's only a game. Yes, of course. Only a game."
  (Kramer drops his hot dog and wipes it on a coat on the seat)
The Improv
JERRY: Hey, did I make it?
KERNIS: Sorry.
JERRY: Great. That's great. What a night.
MC: (from the stage) Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles.
  (Buckles is seen walking by)
KERNIS: Good set.
JERRY: (to Buckles) "You" got my spot?
BUCKLES: That athlete's-foot bit killed.
JERRY: Really?
BUCKLES: You think I need to lose some weight?
JERRY: Weight? No. You just need some height.
BUCKLES: Jerry, don't start up with me. What are you doing now?
JERRY: What am I doing? My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets. I didn't go to the movies.
BUCKLES: Come on. We can still catch most of Rochelle Rochelle.
JERRY: Rochelle Rochelle, huh?
BUCKLES: A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.
JERRY: Minsk?
Inside Theater
MOVIE: (shows George)
"My father was a shoemaker. He worked hard, and we didn't have much money. Rochelle, Rochelle, what are we going to do with you?"
(shows Elaine, bored out of her mind)
"I'm going away tomorrow. Where? Where are you going? I want to go with you. Take me with you."
(shows Buckles and Jerry)
"Well, don't be a silly goose. But I've never seen Minsk. I hear there's so much hustle and bustle. You're being absurd. Leave me alone."
(back to Elaine... even more bored than before)
"Rochelle, Rochelle, do you know...?"
ELAINE: Give me a break!
JERRY: Elaine?
ELAINE: Jerry.
JERRY: Elaine.
VOICE: Shut up.
GEORGE: Jerry?
JERRY: George?
GEORGE: Elaine?
ELAINE: George.
JERRY: But where's Kramer?
VOICE: Will you shut up?!
ELAINE: I don't know. Does this movie stink or what?
JERRY: Let's get out of here. (to Buckles) I'll see you.
BUCKLES: You're leaving?
JERRY: Yeah. (gets up to leave)
BUCKLES: Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month.
JERRY: I don't want the coat.
BUCKLES: Jerry, call me when you get home, so I know you're okay.
Concession Stand
  (Elaine and Jerry are seen)
ELAINE: So, what happened to you?
JERRY: I dunno, I missed you at the other theater. Then I missed my set, and I had nothing to do.
  (George arrives)
GEORGE: Aw man. Look at this. I sat in gum.
JERRY: What happened to Checkmate?
ELAINE: Oh, I went out to get popcorn, and some creep took my seat.
GEORGE: (to Jerry) Hey, by the way, you owe me $7.50.
JERRY: But I didn't even use the ticket.
GEORGE: I still paid for it.
JERRY: I only have a 20.
  (Kramer arrives)
KRAMER: What happened to you?
ELAINE: That's my coat. Give me that. Where did you get that?
KRAMER: It was on the seat.
ELAINE: You took my seat?
GEORGE: (to Kramer) You owe me $7.50.
KRAMER: Yeah. Right.
ELAINE: What is this stain?
KRAMER: It's yellow mustard. (to George) Can you break a 20?
Closing Monolog
JERRY: But I always get confused in the movie theater by the plot. It's embarrassing to have to admit, but I'm the one you see in the parking lot, after the movie, talking with his friends, going: You mean, that was the same guy from the beginning? Nobody will explain it to you. In the theater, you can't find out. Why did they kill that guy? Why did they kill him? Who was that guy? Who was that guy? I thought he was with them. Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't really with them. I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him.