The Outing

Supervising Producer: Larry Charles
Supervising Producer: Tom Cherones
Executive Producer: Andrew Sherman
Created By: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Written By: Larry Charles
Directed By: Tom Cherones

Cast:
Jerry Seinfeld....................... Jerry Seinfeld
George Castanza............... Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes.................. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Kramer............................ Michael Richards
With:
Sharon Leonard.................... Paula Marshall
Allison.................................. Kari Coleman
Helen Seinfeld......................... Liz Sheridan
Morty Seinfeld...................... Barney Martin
Estelle Castanza..................... Estelle Harris
And:
Sailor............................ Anthony Mangano
Male Nurse................................. Ben Reed
Manager.................... Lawrence A. Mandley
Man #1............................. Charley Garrett
Scott................................. Deck McKenzie
Man #2.................................. David Gibbs

 
Opening Monologue
JERRY: I'm tired of pretending I'm excited every time it's somebody's birthday. What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over. All you did was not die for 12 months. That's all you've done, as far as I could tell. I love the astrology things that tell you the people that have the same birthday as you. It's always an odd group of people to it. It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.
 
George's Car
George is dropping off his date, Allison, for the night
ALLISON: I don't want to "live"! I don't want to "live"! 
GEORGE: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing! 
ALLISON: No... You're "something". 
GEORGE: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good! 
ALLISON: You're good. You're "good"! 
GEORGE: I'm bad. I'm "bad"! 
ALLISON: You're "killing" me! 
 
Monk's
(George and Jerry and Elaine are dining. Jerry at the payphone making a phone call while George and Elaine talk at the table.)
GEORGE: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself. 
ELAINE: Over you? 
GEORGE: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable? 
ELAINE: Well...
(Jerry, who is over at the phone is trying to get Sharon Leonard at NYU.)
  (on the phone) I'm trying to get in touch with Sharon Leonard. She works for the NYU paper. This is Jerry Seinfeld. She was supposed to meet me for an interview.
  (Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for his birthday.)
ELAINE: Oh, what are you gonna get Jerry for his birthday?
GEORGE: I got him a great gift.
ELAINE:

Really? What?

GEORGE: I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls". 
ELAINE: I got him a two-line phone. 
GEORGE: Really? That's good.
(Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.)
JERRY: Unbelievable! She's not there. 
GEORGE: What paper does she write for? 
JERRY: The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am. 
ELAINE: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that... 
JERRY: You know, you've been developing quite the acid tongue lately. 
ELAINE: (Proudly) Really? 
  (A college aged girl, sitting with friends, is seen eavesdropping)
ELAINE: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? 
JERRY: Living or all time? 
ELAINE: All time. 
JERRY: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev. 
ELAINE: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle? 
GEORGE: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than DeGaulle. 
ELAINE: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree. 
JERRY: Golda Meir. Good one, babe.
(Elaine notices the girl sitting with her back to George at the next table and decides to goof around with it...)
ELAINE: Hey, come here. Come here. Those two girls behind you, they're eavesdropping.
GEORGE:

 Really?

ELAINE: You know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already. 
(Jerry rolls his eyes and turns away in disbelief while George on the other hand addresses Jerry directly)
GEORGE: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. 
JERRY: (indignantly) What's the matter with you? 
GEORGE: (quietly) C'mon, go along... 
JERRY: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me: C'mon Jerry, go along, go along... 
(Elaine dismisses Jerry for not playing along and raises a topic while the eavesdropper gets up and goes to make a phone call.)
JERRY: Y'know I hear that all the time. 
ELAINE: Hear what? 
JERRY: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. 
ELAINE: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too. 
JERRY: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat. 
ELAINE: And you get along well with women. 
GEORGE: I guess that leaves me in the clear... 
  (Jerry tries to call Sharon again)
JERRY: Hi, Jerry, it's Sharon Leonard from the NYU paper. I'm here at the coffee shop, and I was a little late. We must have missed each other.
  (George walks by...)
GEORGE: I'm going to the bathroom.
JERRY: Me too. (into the phone) I'll be here for a little while longer, and I'll try to hook up with you later.
(Meanwhile over at the phone booth, the girl reveals that she is one Sharon Leonard and she's calling the newspaper that she got to the diner late and missed out on meeting up with Jerry. As she's hanging up, George and Jerry make a trip to the bathroom. She watches them and shrugged her shoulder.) 
 
Jerry's Apartment
  (Jerry's unpacking groceries and George enters)
GEORGE: Hey..
JERRY: Hey..
GEORGE: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. 
JERRY: Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"? 
GEORGE: Yeah, how did you know that? 
JERRY: You told me that already like two months ago. 
(George is wearing a "not so manly" sweater and Jerry checks it out)
GEORGE: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?
JERRY: Well...
GEORGE: Allison bought it for me. 
JERRY: How you gonna get out of "that" one? 
GEORGE: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die. 
  (buzzer)
JERRY: Yeah?
SHARON: Sharon from N YU.
JERRY: Come on up.
GEORGE: Who's that?
JERRY: Oh, that's that reporter from NYU. She's doing the interview. I told her to come here so we won't miss each other.
GEORGE: Do you want me to stay or?
JERRY: Sure, I don't care.
  (There's a knock on the door, Jerry answers it.)
JERRY: Hi.
SHARON: Hi, I'm... I'm Sharon.
JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry... Something the matter?
SHARON: No, no. Nothing.
JERRY: You look familiar. Have we ever met?
SHARON: I'm not sure. Have we?
JERRY: You look familiar. Why don't we do this over here? This is George.
GEORGE: Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
JERRY: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you? 
SHARON: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too. 
JERRY:

Oh... (slightly surprised) really? Okay.

SHARON: Okay. (setting up the tape recorder) There we go.
GEORGE: Oh-oh...
SHARON:

Oh, is that a problem?

GEORGE: No, I just hate my-my voice on tape. It always sounds so high and whiny.
SHARON: Well, shall we start?
JERRY:

Fire away.

SHARON: Okay, let's see. Are you just a comedian, or do you do anything else?
JERRY: Well, right now George and I are writing a pilot for NBC.
SHARON: Oh, so you also work together.
JERRY: (puzzled) Yeah.
GEORGE: Jerry did you wash this pear? 
JERRY: Yeah, I washed it. 
GEORGE: It looks like it hasn't been washed. 
JERRY: So "wash" "it". 
GEORGE: You hear the way he talks to me? 
SHARON: You should hear how "my" boyfriend talks to me... 
JERRY: Wha...?
GEORGE: Hey ya.., let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt? 
SHARON: It's nice. 
GEORGE: Jerry said he didn't like it. 
JERRY: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was okay... 
GEORGE: Oh, you said you didn't like it... 
JERRY: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something? 
SHARON: So how did you two meet? 
JERRY: Actually, we met in the gym locker room. 
GEORGE: Yeah.... Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. And eh... I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. (grabbing Jerry's ankle) Eh, we've been close ever since. 
SHARON: Do you guys live together? 
JERRY: (quizzically) Live together? 
GEORGE: No, I got my own place. 
SHARON: Oh, and do your parents know?
JERRY: Know "what"? 
GEORGE: My parents? They don't know "what's" goin' on... 
JERRY: (suddenly realizing) Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I "knew" you looked familiar! 
GEORGE: Oh, no! No!
SHARON: I better get going.
JERRY: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that... 
GEORGE: No, of course not... 
JERRY: I mean that's fine if that's who you are... 
GEORGE: Absolutely... 
JERRY: I mean I have many gay friends... 
GEORGE: My "father" is gay... 
SHARON: Look, I know what I heard. 
JERRY: It was a "joke"... 
GEORGE: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon! 
(Kramer pop his head in the door...)
KRAMER: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam! 
GEORGE: No! 
JERRY: No steam! 
KRAMER: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself! 
 
Later... Jerry's Apartment
Jerry and Elaine are talking. Elaine offers to talk to her and Jerry reveals that he has convinced her to "think about it" before she prints anything in the NYU paper. And, for some unknown reason, Elaine refuses to take her jacket off. Kramer enters, graceful as always
JERRY: The whole thing's your fault.
ELAINE: You want me to talk to her? I'd be perfectly willing to.
JERRY: I don't think so.
ELAINE: Because you know me I walk into a room, pffft, problem solved.
JERRY: She says she'll think about it.
ELAINE: So what, even if it does come out. It'll just be in an NYU paper.
JERRY: Why don't you take your jacket off?
ELAINE: No, I'm okay.
JERRY: I'm gonna try her again... Boy.
  (As Jerry grabs the phone, Kramer flies through the door holding a gift.)
KRAMER: Happy birthday. "Faruba!"
JERRY: Today's not my birthday. 
KRAMER: Well, I beg to differ... 
JERRY: Well, I think I know when my birthday is.
KRAMER: Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.
JERRY: Maybe he's right. Maybe it is my birthday. (to Elaine) Would you take the jacket off?
ELAINE: Leave me alone. Get off my back about the jacket.
JERRY: (opening the gift) Look at this! A phone!
KRAMER: Yeah!
JERRY: A two-line phone! That's terrific! Thanks a lot. Now when someone's on the phone, I can make a call.
(Elaine is really disappointed that Kramer got him the same gift she got him)
KRAMER: Yeah!
JERRY:

(excited) Look, Elaine, a two-line phone.

ELAINE: (somberly) Yeah, I see it.
KRAMER: I'm gonna get one myself.
JERRY: (to Elaine) Where you going? 
ELAINE: I gotta go return something... (and leaves)
JERRY: (picks up the phone) I got a dial tone. Okay, this is the maiden call.
KRAMER: Yeah. Wait, wait. I wanna get the first call.
JERRY: All right. Go to your house. I'll call you.
  (Kramer leaves)
KRAMER: Y'ello..
JERRY: Hello... Hey, it's working. This is great. Thanks a lot.
KRAMER: Happy birthday, buddy.
JERRY: Oh, wait, I got a call on the other line.
KRAMER: Okay, later.
JERRY: All right, I'll talk to you later.
..Hello?
SHARON: Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU.
JERRY: Oh, HI!
SHARON: I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry. 
JERRY: Thank you very much, that's great- (click) Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. (click click) Hello? 
GEORGE: Hey. 
JERRY: Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line. 
GEORGE: So, what did she say? 
JERRY: She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. (sarcastically) I guess we "fooled" her. I'll get rid of her, hold on...
(click click) Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there?
(click click)
I'm back... 
GEORGE: Y'know... I could hear you on the other line... 
JERRY: What are you talkin' about? 
GEORGE: I heard what you said: Sharon, are you there?. 
JERRY: You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure? 
GEORGE: Yes, I heard you! 
JERRY: Well, maybe she was disconnected. 
GEORGE: Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation! 
JERRY: Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on.
(click click click)... 
KRAMER: Yello? 
JERRY: Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. (click click)
GEORGE: There may be a problem with the phone, hold on! 
JERRY: Oh no! (click click) Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye! 
GEORGE: The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye! 
JERRY: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!? 
GEORGE: Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it... 
JERRY: No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own! 
 
Sharon's Dorm Room
SHARON: Hi.
ELAINE: Hi.
SHARON: Elaine, right? Nice to meet you.
ELAINE: Thanks for meeting with me.
SHARON: Sure. Would you like to take a seat?
ELAINE: Sure.
SHARON: Thank-you. Why don't you take your coat off? 
(Elaine give Sharon a "look"...)

 

Monk's
ELAINE: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it. 
JERRY: She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either. 
GEORGE: You know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war. 
ELAINE: Give me a break.
JERRY: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
GEORGE: Not at all. 
  Jerry tries to "forcibly remove the coat" in pursuit of some satisfaction. George springs his birthday gift on Jerry. 
JERRY: Take that coat off.
ELAINE: I don't want to take it off.
JERRY: Take your coat off, already.
GEORGE: When will we see it? I'd like to read the article.
JERRY: They're sending it to me.
GEORGE: All right, well... Here you go. Happy birthday.
JERRY: Thank you.
(Jerry opens an envelope with tickets in it)
GEORGE: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you! 
JERRY: Guys And Dolls? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical? 
GEORGE: It's "Guys And "Dolls"", not "Guys And "Guys"". 
JERRY: You're right. Guys and Dolls. Thanks. Thanks very much.
GEORGE: All right.
  (Elaine hands Jerry her gift to him)
ELAINE: All right, well... Happy birthday.
JERRY: Oh, Lainey! (pulls out a CD and reacts with dismay) The Collected Works of Bette Midler.
ELAINE: What? L... I thought you liked Bette Midler.
JERRY: (unexcited) She's all right.
ELAINE: You said you liked her.
JERRY: Well, so what? Maybe I do like her. So what?
ELAINE: So nothing.
JERRY:

Well, thanks for the CDs.

ELAINE: Yeah, you're welcome.
(Elaine notices that there are a couple of guys pointing at Jerry from the other side of the cafe.)
ELAINE: Why are those two people pointing at you over there?
JERRY: I don't know...
  (Jerry goes to investigate.)
JERRY: What do you got there? 
MAN #1: The New York Post, they've got an article about you. 
JERRY: Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time companion" seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"! 
GEORGE: Now everyone's going to think we're gay! 
JERRY: Not that there's anything wrong with that... 
GEORGE: No, not at all... 
 
Jerry's Apartment
Back in the apartment, Elaine and George and Jerry read from "The Post"
JERRY: ..."Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple." I told you that pear was washed.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: I thought we were friends... 
JERRY: Here we go... 
KRAMER: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me? 
JERRY: It's not true! 
KRAMER: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single... 
JERRY: So are you... 
KRAMER: Yeah-- 
(the phone rings, George answers.)
GEORGE: Hello? 
MRS. S: George? 
GEORGE: Mrs. Seinfeld?!? 
MRS. S: Oh, my God... 
JERRY: Oh, my God! (takes the phone) Ma?!!
MRS. S: Jerry? 
JERRY: Ma! 
GEORGE: Oh, my God! My "MOTHER"!!! 
MRS. S: Jerry? 
JERRY: Ma, it's not true! 
MR. S: It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five! 
MRS. S: They weren't culottes, they were shorts. 
MR. S: They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department. 
MRS. S: By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry! 
MR. S: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud! 
JERRY: Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes! 
MRS. S: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry. 
 
Metropolitan Hospital Center
George pays his mother a visit.
MRS. C: I open up the paper, and "this" is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked! 
GEORGE: It's "not" "true"! 
MRS. C: Every "day" it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows "what" you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films. 
GEORGE: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked. 
MRS. C: Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it. 
GEORGE: Of course not... 
(In comes a hulking male nurse. A silhouette of the two men appear on the curtain)
NURSE: Six-thirty, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.
SCOTT: Six-thirty already? I fell asleep.
NURSE: Let me help you off with that. Here, I'll Just slip it over your head. The water's nice and warm, isn't it?
SCOTT:

Oh, that feels really good.

MRS. C: George, are you telling me the truth? George, I'm talking to you!
 
Monk's
JERRY: Guess who left a message on my machine. That reporter from NYU. I wonder what she wants.
GEORGE: Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre? 
(Before Jerry can utter his response, a military guy approaches the table.)
SAILOR: Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks. 
JERRY: Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"... 
GEORGE: All right, fine, don't go. I try and go out and do something special for your birthday and this is the thanks I get. Everything's tainted now.
JERRY: Would you keep your voice down?
GEORGE: No, I will not keep my voice down! Nothing can make me keep my voice down!
  (Monk's owner approaches)
OWNER: If you boys cannot control yourselves, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
GEORGE: Fine, I'll take Elaine.
ELAINE: (excited) Yes.
GEORGE: Just don't say anything to Allison.
ELAINE: No, I won't. Did she see the article?
GEORGE: No. Just imagine her reaction. 
ELAINE: Yeah... 
GEORGE: Oh, my God... 
JERRY: What? 
GEORGE: She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think-- "I'm out baby"!! I'm out!!!!! 
 
George's Car
George is dropping off Allison. She is mulling over the article that George has given her. 
ALLISON: Yeah? So? 
GEORGE: Yeah so?? 
ALLISON: Well this is nice. They mention your name. 
GEORGE: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying? 
ALLISON: No, what? 
GEORGE: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay. 
ALLISON: You're "gay"? 
GEORGE: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness. 
ALLISON: (matter-of-factly) I don't believe it. 
GEORGE: You don't believe me? Ask Jerry. 
ALLISON: I will. 
GEORGE: What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very private person. 
ALLISON: (Grabs George's lapels) I want to hear it from "Jerry"... 
 
Jerry's Apartment
Sharon and Jerry are making out on the couch. Apparently, she's changed her mind on the angle of the story. 
SHARON: Oh, can you ever forgive me? 
JERRY: I dunno... (they kiss again) "Alright", I forgive you... 
SHARON: Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately. 
JERRY: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane. 
(The door has burst open. George has shown up with Allison to prove he and Jerry's are intimate.)
GEORGE: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?! 
JERRY: What!? 
GEORGE: You're with a "woman"! 
JERRY: I know! What are you doin' here?!? 
GEORGE: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you! 
JERRY: Would you get the Hell out of here! (Pushing George out)
SHARON: What's going on? (gets up)
ALLISON: Yeah, what's going on? 
GEORGE: Alright, tell her. (meaning Allison) Go ahead. 
JERRY: Tell her what?
GEORGE: You know.. about us.
JERRY: Are you crazy?
GEORGE: Tell her, Jerry. Tell her.
JERRY: I'm telling her nothing.
GEORGE: Do you know what you're saying?
SHARON: This... This is too weird.
GEORGE: Wait a minute. You wrote the article. Go ahead. Tell her.
SHARON: I'm out of here.
JERRY: It's not true! It's not true! Not that there's anything wrong with that. You stupid idiot.
GEORGE: (embracing Jerry) Oh, please don't be upset.
JERRY: Oh, would you stop it with that stuff?!! (shaking George off him)
ALLISON: What's going on?
GEORGE: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor. 
ALLISON: (impressed) Really? 
GEORGE: Oh, my God.
Kramer walks by the open door to go to his apartment. He is escorted by what appears to be a virile young man. Kramer addresses George and Jerry before he goes into his apartment. 
KRAMER: Hey, how you doing?
JERRY: How you doing?
PHONE MAN: Hello.
JERRY: Hi. How are you?
GEORGE: Hi. How are you?
KRAMER:

(pause) All right, we'll see you later...

  (Kramer leaves with the man and bounces back in)
KRAMER: He's the phone man... Not that there's anything wrong with that.
 
Closing monologue 
JERRY: I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. When someone is thin, single and neat people assume they're gay because that's the stereotype. We normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they're the minority, though, within the gay community. Probably discriminated against. Because of that, people say to them: You know, Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but it's about time you got in shape, tucked your shirt in and lost the wife. If people are gonna assume that neat people are gay instead of doing this: I think Joe might be a little Vmmmmm They should vacuum. You know, I think Joe might be Vmmmm Yeah. I got a feeling he's a little Vmmmm...
END