The Junior Mint

Production Credits:
Supervising Producer: Larry Charles
Supervising Producer: Tom Cherones
Executive Producer: Andrew Scheinman
Created By: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Written By: Andy Robin
Directed By: Tom Cherones

Cast:
Jerry Seinfeld................ Jerry Seinfeld
George Castanza........ Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes........... Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Kramer..................... Michael Richards
With:
Mulva (Deloris)............. Susan Walters
Roy......................... Sherman Howard
Doctor................ Victor Raider-Wexler
 
Opening Monologue
JERRY: You can't just "have" an adultery-- you "commit" adultery. And you can't even "commit" adultery unless you already "have" a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually "cheat" on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin' ``Alright, gimme everything you have, too''.
 
Jerry's apartment
Jerry's unloading groceries.
GEORGE: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
JERRY: Produce section. "Very" provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
GEORGE: So when're you gonna see her?
JERRY: Tonight.
GEORGE: What's her name?
JERRY: I... don't... know...
GEORGE: How could you not know her name?
JERRY: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish...
(Jerry interrupts himself to pick up a pile of black bananas on his counter)
JERRY: Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for "one" day...
GEORGE: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.
JERRY: Yeah, I did that too.
GEORGE: You remember the, the little bank book, there?
JERRY: Sure.
GEORGE: Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars. 1,900 dollars! They're sending me a check!
JERRY: Wow!
GEORGE: Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything...
JERRY: Y'know I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle. 
GEORGE: Really? Who?
JERRY: Nobody you know...
GEORGE: Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...
JERRY: Why don't you put it in the "bank"?
GEORGE: The "bank"? This is "found" money. I want to "parlay" it. I wanna make a big score!
JERRY: Oh, you mean you wanna "lose" it...
(Kramer enters)
  Jerry flips him a pack of dishwashing gloves he picked up for him at the grocery store.
GEORGE: What's with the gloves?
KRAMER: Well, I'm staining my floors and, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty...
GEORGE: What, the whole apartment?
KRAMER: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I "need" wood around me. Wood, Jerry (Snaps fingers)... Wood.
 
Later in Jerry's Apartment
  George is seen holding a video cassette.
JERRY: What, you rented "Home Alone"?
GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: I thought you saw that already...
GEORGE: No, I saw "Home Alone II".
JERRY: Oh, right... But you "hated" it!
GEORGE: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, do you mind if I watch it here?
JERRY: What for?
GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.
JERRY: Y'know George, "I" have friends who base their life on "that" principle...
(Kramer comes back in wearing the gloves Jerry got him.)
KRAMER: I can't work with these!
JERRY: What's wrong?
KRAMER: Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no "fine touch"...
JERRY: You said "gloves"...
KRAMER: No, no, these are too thick.
KRAMER: Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?
GEORGE: Yeah. The "original".
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE: Hey Boys-O!
Jerry and Kramer get up to leave, but there's been a change of plans...
ELAINE: Remember Roy, the artist?
JERRY: Right, the "triangle" guy.
ELAINE: Exactly, the "triangle" guy.
JERRY: Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?
ELAINE: Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was just a little too...
JERRY: Artsy?
ELAINE: Fat.
JERRY: Oh.
ELAINE: He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare. Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him.
The three of them agree, particularly since Kramer can seek out some of those thin medical gloves at the hospital. He goes to get his stuff.
ELAINE: Listen, Jerry can you do me a favor? Could you go into the room with me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested. 
JERRY: Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.
ELAINE: Well...
JERRY: Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.
Kramer is ready to go so they're on their way out. Elaine notices George is staying behind and queries:
ELAINE: What's with him?
JERRY: Y'know a lot of people have asked that...
 
Hospital Room
At the Hospital, Elaine and Jerry find Roy's room, but it seems as though something is amiss...
ELAINE: Roy!
ROY: Elaine! What a "surprise".
ELAINE: Oh, my "God"! I hardly recognize you! You look so...
ROY: I've lost some weight...
ELAINE: A "lot" of weight.
ROY: I know.
ELAINE: You look terr-rific.
ROY: Thank you. So do you.
(Elaine starts to introduce Jerry to Roy)
ELAINE: This is... uh... you "really" lost weight.
ROY: Thank you.
(Jerry takes it upon himself to be introduced and sticks out his hand.)
JERRY: Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend.
(Meanwhile, Kramer is out in the hallway trying to find his gloves. He opens a door to a room...)
WOMAN: Ahhhhhh!
Oops. Wrong door. Tries the next one...
KRAMER: (seeing a whole supply of rubber gloves) Ah, the mother lode!
Back in Roy's room, Elaine is sitting on Roy's bed.
ELAINE: I can't believe it! You were "huge"! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you...
ROY: Yes, I remember.
ELAINE: Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight.
ROY:: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you. After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks. 
ELAINE: Get "out"! (pushes Roy... Jerry cringes)
ROY: Really, it's the truth.
ELAINE: Jerry, did you hear that? He couldn't eat for weeks...
JERRY: That's terrible...
ELAINE: I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.
ROY: You did.
JERRY: You know I can't get this damn thing to sleep...
(Jerry is playing with a Yo-Yo)
ELAINE: Now listen, tell me something. When are you gettin out of here?
ROY: Next Thursday.
ELAINE: Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a "big" meal because "you" are getting "too" thin...
JERRY: Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?
ELAINE: No that's the week after.
JERRY: No, I believe it's next week.
ELAINE: You're wrong.
JERRY: No I'm not...
ELAINE: Shut up...
(Kramer comes back in the room with a mitt full o' gloves.)
KRAMER: Pay dirt!
ELAINE: Uh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of our friends.
ROY: How do you do?
KRAMER: I do great.
(The doctor enters)
DOCTOR: Hi Roy.
ROY: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.
JERRY: Hey Doc, check this out. (does an "around-the-world" with his yo-yo) I "just" learned that.
(The doctor is unimpressed)
DOCTOR: I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.
KRAMER: Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?
DOCTOR: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?
KRAMER: I sure am.
DOCTOR: Well that report was about "one" very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in your friend's procedure.
KRAMER: But you "will" use... a retractor.
DOCTOR: We have to...
KRAMER: Mmm-hmm...
DOCTOR: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them?
KRAMER: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
JERRY: I dunno...
KRAMER: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open. His guts'll be all over the place...
JERRY: Yeah, that's true...
KRAMER: ...They'll saw through bone. (makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest) You'll see what's "inside" bone...
 
Jerry's Apartment
George is finishing watching the movie and he is seen crying. 
JERRY: Hey.
GEORGE: Hi...
JERRY: What are doing, you crying?
GEORGE: No...
JERRY: You crying from "Home Alone"?
GEORGE: The old man got to me.
JERRY: Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display
GEORGE: Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway?
JERRY: Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves and wanted to get home and start working on his floor.
GEORGE: How's the guy?
JERRY: Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art.
GEORGE: That's nerve...
JERRY: Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants.
GEORGE: Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome". He falls ill; she falls in love.
JERRY: You mean Florence Nightingale.
GEORGE: What'd I say? Clara?
JERRY: Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton.
GEORGE: Clara Barton? What did she do?
JERRY: I'm not sure, but I think she was nice.
GEORGE: Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a problem with.
JERRY: Yeah, I think you would.
GEORGE: So, you gonna buy his art?
JERRY: No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1 900 dollars.
GEORGE: Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name.
JERRY: I will.
GEORGE: Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.
JERRY: No, it isn't. I can find out.
GEORGE: Yeah? How?
JERRY: There are ways.
 
Later in Jerry's Apartment
Mulva (Deloris) and Jerry are sitting on the couch...
JERRY: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", "Seinsmelled"...
MULVA: Seinsmelled?
JERRY: Yeah. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?
MULVA: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.
(They embrace)
MULVA: Oh, Jerry...
JERRY: Oh... "you"...
 
Monk's
Later and they're in the middle of a conversation when we join them...
GEORGE: Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...
JERRY: No.
GEORGE: Rest... Sest... Hest...
JERRY: Hest? That's not a name.
GEORGE: What, you should've just asked her.
JERRY: I know, I should've asked her.
GEORGE: What're you gonna do now?
JERRY: I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.
GEORGE: Aretha!
JERRY: No...
GEORGE: Bovary!
JERRY: Alright, that's enough.
GEORGE: Alright, well you know what you gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license...
JERRY: How am I gonna do that?
GEORGE: When she goes to the bathroom.
  (Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Ah, there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?
JERRY: You asked a date to go to the operation?
KRAMER: Yeah... So c'mon, what d'you say?
GEORGE: What kind of operation is it?
KRAMER: Spleenectomy.
GEORGE: Isn't that where they remove the--
KRAMER: Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet!... (to Jerry) C'mon, what d'you say?
GEORGE: (to Jerry) Mulva!
JERRY: Mulva?
KRAMER: C'mon, do you wanna go?
JERRY: Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll go watch them slice this fat bastard up.
 
Operating Room
Jerry and Kramer are seated in the front row of the viewing gallery directly overlooking the table below. There's no glass in front of them, or anything, so they can look right over the edge.
DOCTOR: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse-- retractor.
(Kramer gets a box of candy out and starts to munch.)
JERRY: What are you eating?
KRAMER: Junior Mints. Do you want one?
JERRY: No...
KRAMER: I can't see... Psst.... Get-Ge-- (waving to the doctor to move out of his view)
JERRY: Where'd you get those?
KRAMER: The machine. You want one? Here, take one.
JERRY: I don't want any!
KRAMER: No, they're good!
JERRY: I don't want any!
KRAMER: Just take one.
JERRY: No! Kramer, stop it!
(The two try to force the Junior mint on each other and in the struggle the mint launches itself into the air towards the operating table and into the patient)
 
Jerry's Apartment
We're at Jerry's apartment where he is obviously relating the day's events to George.
JERRY: ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing "into" the patient!
GEORGE: What do you mean "into the patient"?
JERRY: Into the patient, "literally"!
GEORGE: Into the hole?
JERRY: Yes, the hole!
GEORGE: Didn't they notice it?
JERRY: No!
GEORGE: How could they not notice it?!?
JERRY: Because it's a little mint. It's a "Junior" Mint.
GEORGE: What did they do?
JERRY: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
GEORGE: They "left" the Junior Mint "in" him?
JERRY: Yes!
GEORGE: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat "pounds" of those things.
JERRY: They "eat" them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Hey, this wallpaper is "very" good. My place looks like a ski lodge!
JERRY: Why did you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint!
KRAMER: Well, I didn't believe you.
JERRY: How could you not believe me?!?
KRAMER: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint-- it's "delicious"!
JERRY: That's true.
KRAMER: It's very refreshing!
JERRY: Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE: Prognosis... negative.
JERRY: Prognosis "negative"!?
ELAINE: He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled. 
JERRY AND KRAMER: Oh, my God...
ELAINE: Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits.
GEORGE: It's that bleak?
ELAINE: Mmm...
(Elaine goes to the bathroom, and George get an idea)
GEORGE: Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...
Jerry and Kramer irrationally discuss what they're going to do about all this. 
JERRY: We gotta confess.
KRAMER: Really?
JERRY: Yes!
KRAMER: We could be tried for murder...
JERRY: I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb!
KRAMER: You're not gonna say anything, you got that?
JERRY: I'm telling and you can't stop me!
KRAMER: You're "not"!!!
(Elaine comes out of the bathroom.)
GEORGE: Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars worth.
 
Later in Jerry's Apartment
Mulva is giving Jerry a massage.
JERRY: Oh yeah, that's the spot...
MULVA: What're you so tense about?
JERRY: Oh, nothing really... Just a homicide. (She finds the right spot on his back) Oh that's terrific... Mulva.
MULVA: What?
JERRY: Mulva?
MULVA: Mulva?
JERRY: My Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse.
MULVA: I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back.
JERRY: Oh, good idea...
Just then, Jerry searches her purse for some kind of identification when she comes back suddenly...
MULVA: What are you doing?
JERRY: Oh, I was just looking for some... gum or... mint.
MULVA: Oh, I have Junior Mints.
JERRY: No! (throws her purse back at her) No, I mean, no thank you...
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Any news?
JERRY: (whispering) No, you better get out of here... No, wait a second... Wait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name.
KRAMER: Ten four..
MULVA: Oh, hello.
KRAMER: Hello, I'm Kramer.
MULVA: Nice to meet you.
KRAMER: See you later. (He leaves)
MULVA: Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis. 
JERRY: Hey, there's a name you don't forget.
(She goes to leave, and George comes in with a couple more movies to watch at Jerry's.)
MULVA: Oh, hi.
GEORGE: Hi, I'm George.
MULVA: Nice to meet you, George.
(She leaves)
GEORGE: I gave it a shot... So, any word on the "artiste"?
JERRY: No, I haven't heard anything.
GEORGE: Well, I got my triangles.
JERRY: Really...
GEORGE: Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.
JERRY: Yeah, I'm sure...
JERRY: Well, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.
GEORGE: No, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.
JERRY: Why?
GEORGE: You could get in trouble.
JERRY: Look, I gotta try and help the guy.
GEORGE: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?
JERRY: Yes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition...
GEORGE: What? What?
JERRY: Oh, that's "fantastic"!
GEORGE: He didn't get better, did he?
JERRY: Thank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!
GEORGE: Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1,900 dollars down the drain.
 
Hospital Room
Roy is recovering wolfing down a plate of spaghetti...
ROY: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to get better. I'll never forget what you did for me.
GEORGE: Oh, that's great. That's great.
KRAMER: Y'know, art is a great investment.
ELAINE: It's gonna look great in your apartment, George.
GEORGE: Yes I look forward to many years of looking at the triangles. Well, I'll wait for you outside.
ROY: Hey, George... (kisses George on the cheek)
DOCTOR: Y'know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.
JERRY: What do you mean?
DOCTOR: I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps from above...
KRAMER: (offering) Mint?
DOCTOR: Those can be very refreshing. (takes the mint)
ROY: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday?
ELAINE: I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're going to the Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerry)
JERRY: I don't think so...
ELAINE: We are...
JERRY: I believe we're not...
ELAINE: (Watching Roy eating) Please can we go to the Poconos?
JERRY: Well, I'll think about it...
 
Jerry's Apartment
MULVA: ...Great seats. You could see the actors spitting. (talking about a ply she went to)
JERRY: Really...
MULVA: And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.
JERRY: Oh, what're you saying, you got her autograph?
MULVA: Yeah.
JERRY: Do you have it with you?
MULVA: Yeah, it's in my purse.
JERRY: Let me see.
MULVA: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... (reads autograph) ...Joseph Puglia...
MULVA: I had it autographed for my uncle.
JERRY: Yeah, I know...
MULVA: You don't know my name, do you?
JERRY: Yes I do.
MULVA: What is it?
JERRY: It, uh, rhymes with a female body part.
MULVA: What is it?
JERRY: Mulva?...
(Upset, she leaves the apartment. Jerry follows and tries again)
JERRY: Gipple?... Loleola?
He goes back inside and goes to get something out of the refrigerator, but before the fridge light can even go on, a light goes on in Jerry's head and he rushes to the window
JERRY: Oh! Oh! "Delores"!
 
Closing Monologue.
JERRY: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. ``I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''. And only a seven year old kid can taste the difference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two totally different things when you're seven years old. ``Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower flavor; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.
END