The Puffy Shirt

Director: Tom Cherones
Writers: Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld

Cast:
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Estelle Harris as Estelle Constanza
Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza
Guest Stars:
Wendel Meldrum as Leslie (Low-Talker)
David Brisbin as Client
Bryant Gumbel as Himself
Deborah May as Elsa
Michael Mitz as Photographer
Kim Gillingham as Assistant
Terrence Riggins as Stagehand
Ron Ross as Homeless Man

Opening Monolog 
JERRY: There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is right on track. There's no way that you could fake this even. "Things are great. I met a terrific girl, I got a great job and if everything goes according to plan I'm gonna be moving back in with my parents soon." It's like getting busted on a parole violation and thrown back into the slammer. "In the opinion of the board, you need further rehabilitation, I'm afraid." And you go back into that little room of yours, you feel so huge. It's like you could take your bed and just crush it in your hands. You can hold your parents between your fingers. "Why was I so afraid of you people when I was growing up?" 
 
Jerry's Apartment
(Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them move George's stuff back into his parent's house) 
GEORGE: I can't believe this! 
JERRY: Oh, it won't be for that long. 
GEORGE: How can I do this?! How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me! They're insane! You know that. 
JERRY: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents. 
GEORGE: How can you compare your parents to my parents?! 
JERRY: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever! 
GEORGE: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers! 
JERRY: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water. 
GEORGE: (Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.. never went 'Ha!' 
JERRY: A smirk? 
GEORGE: Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there! 
JERRY: I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent. 
GEORGE: No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship. 
(Kramer stumbles in) 
KRAMER: Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't understand... Why do you want to move back in with your parents? 
GEORGE: I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left in the bank. 
KRAMER: Well, move in here. 
JERRY: (Stopping the notion) What's that? 
KRAMER: Why doesn't he just move in here? 
GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He doesn't even let you use the toilet! 
KRAMER: You can move in with me, if you want. 
GEORGE: (Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out. 
 
The Costanza's House
(Jerry, George, and Kramer enter carrying George's luggage. Kramer clumsily bangs the wall with one of the suitcases) 
ESTELLE: Careful! Careful with the suitcases! We just painted! 
KRAMER: Hello, Mrs. Costanza. 
ESTELLE: Hello, Kramer. Close the door. 
(They set down George's luggage) 
KRAMER: Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door) 
ESTELLE: More stuff?! 
KRAMER: Yeah. (Exits) 
ESTELLE: (To George) How much is there?! 
GEORGE: (Annoyed) There's more. 
ESTELLE: So, how are ya, Jerry? 
JERRY: Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you.. 
ESTELLE: (Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested. 
JERRY: No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guys- 
ESTELLE: (Interrupting) Tell it to the audience. (George gives Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches) I made some baloney sandwiches. 
GEORGE: Baloney?! No one eats baloney anymore! 
ESTELLE: What are you talking about?! Have a sandwich. 
JERRY: No thanks. 
(Kramer enters with some more suitcases) 
ESTELLE: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer? 
KRAMER: Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door) 
ESTELLE: I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young men. 
JERRY: I really don't eat it. 
ESTELLE: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building? 
JERRY: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out baloney sandwiches in the building.. 
KRAMER: (Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else? 
GEORGE: (Muttering) No, that's it. 
(A horn honks from outside the house) 
KRAMER: Oh, I gotta go move the car. (Leaves) 
JERRY: Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door) 
GEORGE: (Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going? 
JERRY: Yeah. 
GEORGE: Wha - what are you doing later? 
JERRY: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend. 
GEORGE: Really? 
JERRY: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?' 
GEORGE: Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya? 
ESTELLE: No, George. We're going out to eat tonight with your father. 
GEORGE: (Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later. 
JERRY: Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves) 
(George watches his mother sitting contentedly on the couch. She's eating, staring off into space) 
GEORGE: Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands) 
 
A Restaurant
(Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Leslie are all laughing) 
ELAINE: Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs) 
JERRY: Right. 
ELAINE: You remember that? 
KRAMER: Yeah, well, that was a good one. 
JERRY: Well.. 
(Kramer's girlfriend, Leslie, mumbles some words, but Kramer's the only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend forward, trying to hear what she's saying) 
ELAINE: What's that? 
JERRY: Excuse me? 
(She mumbles some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her. They give up - leaning back in their seats) 
JERRY: Yeah.. yeah. 
ELAINE: Yep. Yeah.. 
KRAMER: You know that, uh, Leslie is in the clothing business? She's a designer. 
ELAINE: (Interested) Oh? 
KRAMER: In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in men's fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt.
(Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah, it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear. 
ELAINE: Oh, a puffy shirt. 
JERRY: Puffy. 
KRAMER: Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care.. 
(Leslie mumbles, Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have no clue what she's saying. They lean closer) 
KRAMER: (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up laughing) I'll be right back. (and walks off laughing)
  (Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes)
ELAINE: Uh, oh! Jerry's going to be on the "Today" show on Friday. 
  (Leslie leans forward looking very interested)
JERRY: Yeah, that's right! 
ELAINE: Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the poor, and the homeless.. 
JERRY: (Points at Elaine) And the indigent. 
ELAINE: And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it. 
(Leslie mumbles in response. Of course, Jerry and Elaine can't hear her voice) 
JERRY: Sure. 
ELAINE: Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep. 
(Leslie mumbles some more) 
JERRY: Uh-huh. 
ELAINE: Yep. 
JERRY: Yep.. 
ELAINE: Mmm 
 
A Family Restaurant
  (George and his parents are at a restaurant in a corner booth)
ESTELLE: Maybe you should take a civil service test. 
GEORGE: (playing with the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service test. 
FRANK: Look at this, George. (Takes a coin out of his pocket) You ever seen a silver dollar? 
GEORGE: Yes, I've seen a silver dollar. 
ELAINE: Why don't you want to take a civil service test? 
GEORGE: To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want me to do? 
FRANK: Would you believe when I was 18, I had a silver dollar collection? 
ESTELLE: I don't understand. You get job security - you get a pay check every week.. 
GEORGE: I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman? 
FRANK: (Still looking at his coin) You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a phobia. 
ESTELLE: So what are you gonna do?! 
GEORGE: I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent - something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet! 
FRANK: I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. 
GEORGE: (in despair) Oh my God.. 
FRANK: I don't like this waiter. (Holds up his hand to get the waiters attention and starts complaining) Look at him.. He sees us.. he doesn't want to come over. 
GEORGE: (Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need some air.. 
ESTELLE: George, where are you going?! 
GEORGE: (Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do. 
(Scene cuts to the restaurant lobby. George accidentally bumps into a woman, causing her to drop her purse. Items spill out onto the floor) 
GEORGE: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts picking up her things) 
ELSA (Rep): Look at what you've done! You spilled my bag! 
GEORGE: (Stammering) I, I, I, .. here, let me - let me help you.. 
ELSA: No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins helping him pick her things up) 
GEORGE: It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.. So.. 
(George hands the last of the items to her, she takes them from him, then starts to admire his hand) 
ELSA: Hmm.. 
GEORGE: What? 
ELSA: (Looking at both his hands intensely) Your hands....
GEORGE: What about them? 
ELSA: They're quite exquisite! 
GEORGE: They are? 
ELSA: (Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand modeling? 
GEORGE: Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No') 
ELSA: (Fishes a card out of her purse, then hands it to George) Here's my card. Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks off)
 
Jerry's Apartment
(George is holding up his hands for Jerry to see) 
JERRY: (Shrugs) I - I don't get it. 
GEORGE: Me neither! 
JERRY: What is it? 
GEORGE: I don't know. 
JERRY: They're hands! 
GEORGE: This woman just set me up for a job! 
JERRY: (Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands. 
GEORGE: What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there.. Where do you get off comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand) 
JERRY: Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life. 
GEORGE: This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a noise) I bop into this woman.. 
(Enter Kramer) 
KRAMER: Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks) 
JERRY: Hey. 
KRAMER: Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs) 
GEORGE: What are you, crazy?! What are you, crazy?! 
KRAMER: What?! 
GEORGE: You coulda damaged my hand! 
KRAMER: (Laughing) But, it's only a toy! 
JERRY: (Explaining) George has become a hand model. 
KRAMER: A hand model? 
JERRY: Yes. 
KRAMER: (To George) Really? Let me look at them.. 
GEORGE: (Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out. Kramer studies them) 
KRAMER: Let's see.. oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine. 
GEORGE: (Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going. 
JERRY: Oven mitts? 
GEORGE: (Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (a pause) Would you mind getting the door? 
KRAMER: Yeah.. 
JERRY: Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George) 
GEORGE: Thank you very much. (leaves) 
(Jerry shuts the door, then starts going through his mail) 
KRAMER: You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores.. 
JERRY: Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what? 
KRAMER: Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover) 
JERRY: What are you talking about? 
KRAMER: When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the puffy shirt out of the cover) 
JERRY: (walks up to it) This? 
KRAMER: Yes! 
JERRY: I agreed to wear this?! 
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. 
JERRY: But, when did I do that? 
KRAMER: When we went to dinner the other night. 
JERRY: What are you, crazy?! 
KRAMER: What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom? 
JERRY: I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding! 
KRAMER: There you go. 
JERRY: Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?! 
KRAMER: Yes, yes! You said it! 
JERRY: But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her! 
KRAMER: (Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you. 
JERRY: I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous! 
KRAMER: Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New Jersey is already makin' them! 
JERRY: They're making these?! 
KRAMER: Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, - this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate! 
JERRY: (childish) But, I don't want to be a pirate! 
 
The Costanza House
(George is giving himself a manicure over a tray. He's carefully primping his fingernails) 
ESTELLE: I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands? 
FRANK: (Looking up from his paper and says to Estelle) Who the hell did'ya ever mention his hands to? 
ESTELLE: (Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands to plenty of people! 
FRANK: (Yelling) You never mentioned them to me! 
GEORGE: (Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory board. 
(Estelle hands an Emory board to George. He takes it, then goes back to his manicure) 
ESTELLE: I always talk about your hands - how they're so soft and milky white.. 
FRANK: (yells) No! You never said milky white! 
ESTELLE: (Yells) I said milky white! 
(A moment passes as George fights to keep his temper down around his parents) 
GEORGE: (To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! 
(Estelle, visibly nervous, reacts, flipping the scissors around) 
ESTELLE: I'm sorry. 
GEORGE: You're sorry?! 
ESTELLE: (Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful. 
GEORGE: (Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors) 
(Another moment passes as George primps his hands) 
ESTELLE: Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work) Georgie, would you like some Jello? 
FRANK: (Yelling at Estelle about the Jello) Why'd you put the bananas in there?! 
ESTELLE: (Yelling) George likes the bananas! 
FRANK: (Yelling back) So let him have bananas on the side! 
(George stands up with the manicure tray. He's obviously had enough) 
GEORGE: Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!.. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the morning.. my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please... keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum. 
ESTELLE: (Meek) But Georgie.. what about the Jello? 
GEORGE: (Definite) I'll take it in my room. (leaves) 
 
Today Show's Dressing Room
(Jerry's in a back room, getting dressed while Kramer's thumbing through a magazine holding a cigar. There's a knock at the door) 
KRAMER: Yeah, come in. 
(stagehand enters) 
STAGEHAND: I just wanted to let you know he's got about five minutes. 
KRAMER: Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes! 
(Jerry walks out from the back room wearing the 'puffy' shirt. He has the expression of extreme resentment) 
KRAMER: Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Ayye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect.
(Walks around Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic! 
JERRY: Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I can't wear this! 
KRAMER: (Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate look. Aye! 
(A knock at the door, Kramer answers it - it's Elaine) 
KRAMER: Yeah. 
ELAINE: Hi, Kramer. Guess what? I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help out at the ben-ha-fit hahaha! (laughing)
KRAMER: Great. 
(Elaine stops in her tracks when she sees Jerry in the shirt. Then, bursts out laughing hysterically) 
ELAINE: (Between laughs) What is that?! 
KRAMER: It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what? 
ELAINE: (To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now? 
JERRY: (annoyed) 'Why am I wearing is now?'? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the low talker asked me to, that's why! And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her! 
ELAINE: When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this? 
JERRY: When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom. 
ELAINE: I didn't hear anything. 
JERRY: (Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks! 
ELAINE: (seriously) Well, you can't wear that on the show. 
KRAMER: (To Elaine, murmured low) Elaine, you want to stop? 
ELAINE: (Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What? No. (to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo! 
JERRY: (flailing, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing them as we speak! 
ELAINE: (Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna.. swing in on a chandelier! 
(A knock at the door, Jerry answers) 
STAGEHAND: (Looking down at a clipboard, enters) Okay, let's go. (Looks up, points at Jerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're wearing? 
 
A Photographer's Studio
(George is holding out his hands while a man and woman marvel at them. A photographer is fooling around with a camera towards the right wall) 
CLIENT: I've never seen hands like these before.. 
ASSISTANT: They're so soft and milky white. 
PHOTOGRAPHER: You know who's hands they remind me of? (pauses) Ray McKigney. 
(The woman nods as the man looks off into space) 
CLIENT: Ugh.. Ray. 
PHOTOGRAPHER: He was it. 
GEORGE: Who was he? 
PHOTOGRAPHER: The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.. Oh, he had it all. 
GEORGE: (Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at them) What happened to him? 
(Obviously a touchy subject, the woman coyly walks over to the photographer, and they both occupy themselves. The man is left to tell George the answer to his question) 
CLIENT: (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his own hand.. and that became his one true love.. 
(Long pause) 
GEORGE: You mean, uh..? 
CLIENT: Yes. He was not.. master of his domain. 
GEORGE: (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..? 
CLIENT: (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's.. until today. You are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I.. only hope you have a little more self-control. 
GEORGE: (Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me. (gloating) I won a contest. 
(The man nods, unsure of what to say or do) 
PHOTOGRAPHER: Ok, let's get to work. 
 
The Today Show
(Jerry's in the guest chair, and Bryant Gumbel's in the interviewer's spot. Jerry, visibly, does not want to be there) 
BRYANT: (Talking directly to the camera) Back now, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries: a used clothing organization that provides service to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to face Jerry) Jerry, good morning. 
JERRY: (Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant. 
BRYANT: (Pointing out) And speaking of clothing, that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on. 
JERRY: (Looking down at the shirt) Oh, thank you. 
(Backstage, Kramer's standing with his girlfriend. She's brimming with pride) 
BRYANT: You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around) all kinda "puffed up". (Chuckles) 
JERRY: Yeah, it's a puffy shirt. 
BRYANT: You look kind of like a pirate. 
JERRY: Like a pirate.. Anyway, you know, we're hoping to raise enough money... 
BRYANT: (interrupts) Do you know...? You know... Look, I'm sorry, it is just a very unusual shirt. It could be a whole new look for you. You could put a patch over an eye. You could be the pirate comedian. 
JERRY: (smirks) Yeah. 
BRYANT: Will you wear the puffy shirt at the...? 
JERRY: (angrily) Look, it's not my shirt. 
BRYANT: Whose shirt is it? 
JERRY: (angrily) What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it. I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you. 
LESLIE: (yelling from back stage) You bastard!!!
BRYANT: Did you hear that? 
JERRY: That I heard. 
 
A Photographer's Studio
PHOTOGRAPHER: All right, a little to the left. Little higher. Good, perfect. 
GEORGE: Like that? 
PHOTOGRAPHER: Just like that. Hold it. Good. Okay, let me get one more. One more. Good. That's it. You're done. 
GEORGE: That's it? 
PHOTOGRAPHER: That's it. 
CLIENT: And here's your check. 
GEORGE: (surprised of the amount) Thank you very much. 
PHOTOGRAPHER: It was an honor. 
GEORGE: Thank you. 
  (George getting ready to leave when the female assistant makes small talk)
ASSISTANT: It was great working with you. Your hands are beautiful. 
GEORGE: Thank you very much. 
ASSISTANT: (flirting) You know, I was wondering... if you're not doing anything later, maybe you'd like to get together. 
  (Switches to George skipping down the path with his mitted hands in the air, alighted with happiness and excitement.)
 
Today Show's Dressing Room
LESLIE: You ruined me! You ruined my career! 
JERRY: Oh, just keep your voice down, everyone can hear you. 
LESLIE: Well, I don't give a damn! 
JERRY: If you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume. 
  (George enters)
GEORGE: (all excited) Hey, hey. You can't believe this. Look at this check. They said I had the most beautiful hands they ever saw except for this McKigney guy. This girl gave me her number. I got it all! I'm busting. Jerry! I'm busting!!
ELAINE: I've never noticed your hands before, let me see. (approaches to check 'em out)
GEORGE: All right. (holding his hands out)
ELAINE: (unenthused) Yeah. Real nice. 
GEORGE: (points to Jerry) Nice shirt. What is this? Is this what you wore on the show? 
JERRY: (pissed) Yeah. 
GEORGE: Have you completely lost your mind? 
LESLIE: Hey!!!
GEORGE: Who's dressing you? You look like a complete idiot.
  (Leslie jumps up and pushes George directly into a hot iron)
GEORGE: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
 
A Restaurant
  (Elaine is feeding a disable George: both hands burnt and bandaged up)
GEORGE: I wouldn't wipe my...
ELAINE: You ready? 
GEORGE: (sipping hot tea) Yeah. Hot, hot!
ELAINE: I'm sorry. 
GEORGE: This McKigney had a few good years. (yelling a Kramer) How do you forget to turn off an iron?!!
KRAMER: I was excited Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt. 
GEORGE: My whole life is ruined because of the puffy shirt. 
JERRY: It didn't do me any good either. That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for.
"Avast ye, matey"? What the hell does that mean?
"Twenty degrees off the starboard side. It's a Spanish galleon." There's no comeback for that. 
ELAINE: Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee. 
KRAMER: You know, all those stores canceled out on her. She's finished. We're finished. 
JERRY: Really? What happened? 
KRAMER: I just can't be with someone whose life is in complete disarray. 
JERRY: What happened to all the shirts? 
KRAMER: They gave them to Goodwill. 
GEORGE: (walking out of the restaurant) Puffy shirt. Puffy shirt. 
HOMELESS MAN: Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer? 
JERRY: (handing him change) You know, it's really not a bad-looking shirt. 
 
Closing Monolog 
JERRY: Why do we always have to say, "Excuse me" when we can't hear what someone's saying? Why are we so guilty and so? "Excuse me. Pardon me. I'm sorry." Why can't, just once, I go: Nope. Not loud enough? Why can't I do that? Just once I would like to have the guts you know, to make that judgment. Someone mumbles something, and you go, "Your fault. I'm not sorry, because it's your fault."
 END