The Bris

Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Michael Richards as Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Guest Stars:
Tom Allan Robbins as Stan
Jeannie Elias as  Myra
Charles Levin as The Mohel
Frank Noon as Patient
Debra Mooney as Mrs. Sweedler
John Gegenhuber as Resident
Alfred Dennis as Man
Tia Riebling as Woman

Jerry, Elaine and George are visiting with new parents, Myra and Stan flick and their baby Steven. Myra discreetly breast feeds the baby. Stan is in the midst of the harrowing birth story, as Jerry and Elaine alternate between boredom and squirming. George sits by the window, staring out, ignoring the proceeding.
STAN: ...And so the baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming and my brother who's been videotaping the whole thing turns green, his eyes roll up in his head and he blacks out, drops the camera, the camera breaks, then , the placenta comes flying out.
STAN: And then doctor says...
JERRY: Thank you, that's enough.
Jerry and Elaine exchange glance. Myra is breast feeding. Jerry winces, he can't watch. He is visibly unsettled.
STAN: Will you look at that baby. Sucking like there's no tomorrow. Just sucking away. Suck, suck, suck...
JERRY: (looking away) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
STAN: Look at that Jerry, look at that. Sucking, sucking...
JERRY: Yeah, I looked. I saw.
STAN: This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?
JERRY: Uncomfortable? Not at all. (aside to Elaine) See your friend's wife's breast sticking out.. Why would that make me uncomfortable?
STAN: Look at him.
JERRY: How long do they do that?
STAN: Oh, a year or two.
JERRY: No break?
STAN: Then comes the weaning.
JERRY: So after the sucking, comes the weaning.
ELAINE: First the sucking then the weaning.
JERRY: Well, you gotta wean.
STAN: Gotta wean.
ELAINE: It's a must wean situation.
GEORGE: What about that spot I got?
JERRY: Yeah, that's a great spot.
GEORGE: You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the hospital. You can't beat that spot. I'm on a roll. I am just willing these great parking spots. In front of my house. In front of Jerry's building. Did I tell you about the spot in front of the post office?
GEORGE: I'm driving to the post office.
JERRY: (interrupting) George.
GEORGE: Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with. You can still get a great space in this town - if you apply yourself.
JERRY: Where's Kramer? He should've been here by now.
ELAINE: Did you give him the room number?
JERRY: Yes, 1397.

Kramer searching the hospital for the room.
KRAMER: 1937, 1937, 1937...
A wandering patient stops him.
PATIENT: Excuse me. Do you know where the staircase is?
Kramer looks around.
KRAMER: Uh.. over there...
Patient smiles and exits. Kramer walks a bit further and finds what he thinks is the Stanís room.
KRAMER: (continues searching) 1937.
He enters the room. Two orderlies run down the hall, frantically searching for someone.
In the room, Kramer looks around. There is a patient behind a curtain. Outside the curtain is a tray of food. He picks up the tray. Kramer is hungry and likes hospital food to boot. As he stuffs his face, he becomes aware of a strange sound emanating from behind the curtain. It sounds like the "oink" or "squeal" of a pig. His curiosity getting the best of him, with his mouth full, he steps inside the partitioned area. A beat. Then he comes bursting out, spitting food and screaming.
KRAMER: Pig man! It's a pig man! Pig man!

STAN: ..So anyway, Jerry and Elaine, we have something we want to ask you.
GEORGE: Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me.
JERRY: Will you shut up.
ELAINE: I'm taking a cab home. I can't take it anymore.
JERRY: So what were you about to say, Stan?
STAN: Myra and I would like you and Elaine to be the Godparents of Steven.
JERRY: Me? A godfather?
STAN: Yes.
JERRY: (ala Don Corleone) Never go against the family, Elaine.
Kramer enters
KRAMER: The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He was just lying there and then he woke up. He looked up at me and made this horrible sound (makes pig sound).
GEORGE: Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
KRAMER: I'm talking about the pigman, George. I went into the wrong room and there he was.
GEORGE: A pigman?
KRAMER: Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man.
ELAINE: That's nice, Kramer... So, anyway, what exactly is involved inbeing a God parent?
JERRY: (ala Don Corleone) Elaine, don't ever ask me about my business!.... (sheepish) "Godfather."
MYRA: Nothing really.
STAN: The most important thing is to help with the bris.
JERRY: The bris?
ELAINE: The bris?
KRAMER: A bris? You mean snip snip?
STAN: Yeah.
KRAMER: I would advise against that.
ELAINE: Kramer. It's a tradition.
KRAMER: Well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore.
JERRY: Well, maybe we should.
GEORGE: Why are all those people milling around my car?
KRAMER: I don't know.
JERRY: Maybe they're admiring your spot.
KRAMER: No. They're all looking up.
GEORGE: Oh my god, there's somebody on the roof of the hospital.
KRAMER: Whoa. That's the guy who asked me where the staircase was.
GEORGE: Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no!!!!
By everyone's reaction the patient has jumped. Then we hear the thud of the patient on George's car.
GEORGE: My car! My car!
George races out of the room.

Jerry, Elaine and Kramer who sits his face buried in the newspaper, ignoring the others.
ELAINE: A mohel! What the hell is a mohel?
JERRY: A mohel is the person who performs the circumcision.
ELAINE: Where am I going to find a Mohel? (looking through the yellow pages, muttering) How do you find a mohel? Motels, models..
JERRY: Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a Mohel. I have the tough job. I have to hold the baby while they do it. How would you like that job?
ELAINE: Have you ever seen one?
JERRY: You mean that wasn't -
JERRY: No.. you?
JERRY: What'd you think?
ELAINE: (shakes her head no)
JERRY: Not good?
ELAINE: No, had no face, no personality (with fanning hands), very dull. It was like a Martian. But hey, that's me.
George enters with his estimate.
GEORGE: Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm gonna go see the hospital administrator today. Someone's paying for that damage and it's not gonna be me.
JERRY: Ah, you're screwed.
GEORGE: I know, swan dives from twenty floors, lands right on to it. What do I have a bulls eye on there? He couldn't move over two feet? Land on the sidewalk. That's city property. What are the chances, what are the odds? He couldn't do it again if his life depended on it...
ELAINE: Well I have to interview a Mohel.
JERRY: Oh, poor Elaine. Look at her. Attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. Debutante balls. Well, look at you now. Interviewing Mohels.
Suddenly, Kramer enters, holding the paper, explodes with a spasm of revelation.
JERRY: What's the matter?
ELAINE: Are you alright?
KRAMER: Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. (pointing to story) Look at that.
JERRY: What now?
he shows Jerry the paper
JERRY: (reading) "Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." Government funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so?
KRAMER: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
ELAINE: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
KRAMER: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
JERRY: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
KRAMER: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
GEORGE: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!"
JERRY: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pig-men. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. "Oo that little tail turns me on."
Elaine groans and heads for the door.
ELAINE: (mumbles) Alright, that's about enough
JERRY: Oh, what's the matter you're not interested in this?
ELAINE: No, it's fascinating, could you do me a favor, could you tape the rest of the pigmen and the women who love them discussion and I'll listen to it next time I'm here. I've got to find a Mohel.
KRAMER: You should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.
ELAINE: Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped. Until then, off with their heads.
  Elaine leaves.
GEORGE: But Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?
KRAMER: Oh, that's a myth. Besides, you know, it makes sex more pleasurable.
GEORGE: Yeah. So how does that help me?
JERRY: (to George) Hey George, have you ever seen one?
GEORGE: Yeah, my roommate in college.
JERRY: So what'd you think?
GEORGE: I got used to it.

Jerry and Kramer enter. People pass in hallway.
JERRY: Alright, I'm waiting. I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pigman.
KRAMER: Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show him to you, and you'll never be the same.
JERRY: Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. You know a lot of people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.
KRAMER: Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink of pigman cries for help.
JERRY: If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here.
KRAMER: I can't let this go on.
JERRY: Let me understand this. So if you find the pigman, your intention is to ...emancipate him?
KRAMER: That's right. (calling out pig squeals) Sue-wee!
JERRY: Kramer! well I don't see any pig-men. Look (he points at passerby) Human, human, human...
He looks down corridor, with alarm.
JERRY: (with alarm) Wait a minute!... Oh, that's George.
George approaches.
GEORGE: Okay. The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys by the car.
KRAMER: You got room for the pig-man?
GEORGE: The pig-man can take the bus.
KRAMER: You know, if pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.
GEORGE: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
KRAMER: Come on George, be realistic.
GEORGE: All right, if pig-man comes along, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see you later.
George exits.

The administrator, Mrs. Sweedler, ushers George in. They sit on either side of her desk.
MRS. SWEEDLER: Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Patients, doctors, everyone, just grief-stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.
GEORGE: Well, I join them in their grief.
MRS. SWEEDLER: Horrible, just a horrible thing. Flew right past the children's swing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the window, just traumatize by the incident. Apparently, they all thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. A man is flying. A man is flying" And then... splat.
GEORGE: Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's where I come in. On splat. You see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler?
MRS. SWEEDLER: Mrs. Sweedler's fine.
GEORGE: You see, that trudge affected me in a very, very personal way.
MRS. SWEEDLER: (concerned) How is that?
GEORGE: Yes, you see, the deceased landed on my car. The splat, as it were, actually took place on the roof of my car. I can't help but think that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy may have been averted but I've never been the type to buy a convertible, what with the baldness and all.
MRS. SWEEDLER: Well I've known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.
GEORGE: Well then it's all pulled down. Anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering it virtually un-drivable.
MRS. SWEEDLER: (stiffening) Yes, well, that is a shame.
GEORGE: Yes, a shame. That's just how I would describe it. Now, with all due sensitivity and discretion, bearing in mind the scope of the situation, I can't help but think the hospital bears some responsibility to compensate the other, still living "victim", of this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
she glares
MRS. SWEEDLER: (with anger) Mr. Constanza.
MRS. SWEEDLER: A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise...
MRS. SWEEDLER: ...and you greedily, callously try to profit from it.
GEORGE: (pulling out estimate out of his pocket) Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimates that I'm not really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but..
MRS. SWEEDLER: (with anger) How dare you.
MRS. SWEEDLER: Have you no decency? Have you no shame?
GEORGE: Yes.. you know, depending.
MRS. SWEEDLER: Get out! Get out, now! get out of my office!
GEORGE: Should I leave these with you?
George tosses his estimates on the desk and dashes for his exit.

Kramer and Jerry find pigman's room. But, it's empty. Kramer stops a young smart aleck resident. Jerry tries to look inconspicuous.
KRAMER: Excuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room before?
RESIDENT: I don't know what you're talking about.
KRAMER: You know. (pushing his nose up with his thumb)
KRAMER: (still holding his nose up) This doesn't look familiar to you?
KRAMER: Look, I know what's going on. Oink, oink.
RESIDENT: I really have some patients I have to attend to.
He tries to move on. Kramer grabs him by the lapels and backs him against the wall. Jerry looks the other way.
KRAMER: (tough talking) Look, you little quack, I know you had a half man half pig holed up in that room, there. Now where is he?! Where is he?!
RESIDENT: Half-what?
KRAMER: You know what - bacon, sausage, (ala Porky Pig) A-dee-ba-da-dee-ba-da th-th-th-that's all folks.
RESIDENT: Oh, the pig-man. They moved him down the hall.
Kramer releases the resident, who runs away.
JERRY: Alright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George.
KRAMER: You go ahead.
Kramer walks off.
JERRY: Kramer...
But he continues walking.

Jerry Elaine, Kramer, The Flicks, and Assorted Guests
JERRY: Where's the Mohel?
ELAINE: He'll be here.
JERRY: He's late already.
ELAINE: Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked.
JERRY: How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well. Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship?
ELAINE: I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.
JERRY: Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.
ELAINE: What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the stands.
JERRY: Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.
ELAINE: Yes it is level jumping.
George talking to woman.
GEORGE: So uh... ever been to a bris before?
GEORGE: If you fell little woozy, and it's quite common, just stay close to me. I'll get you through it.
WOMAN: I'm a cardiologist. I think I can manage.
Kramer is with Myra and she is sobbing.
KRAMER: Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. It hurts bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his first memory. Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while a stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered lunch?
Myra runs away, sobbing
KRAMER: She'll be okay.
He slinks away. Elaine angrily confronts Kramer.
ELAINE: What's wrong with you?
KRAMER: Me? What's wrong with you?! How can you let this go on?
ELAINE: Hey have you ever seen one of those?
ELAINE: Well I have and believe me it's no picnic.
KRAMER: Oh, how bad could it be?
ELAINE: (to gathering) Alright. Has anybody here ever seen one?
MAN: One what?
ELAINE: You know...
MAN: I have.
WOMAN: I have.
ALL: (shake their heads) No...
GEORGE: I got used to it.
(doorbell rings)
Everyone runs to the door.
ALL: It's the mohel! the mohel is here! Thank God, the mohel is here.
They open the door. The mohel stands in the doorway with bag. Everyone calms down in his beatific presence as he enters. He nods in greeting as he walks thru the assembled guests.
MOHEL: Hello, hello. I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all...
A pan clangs to the ground. The mohel snaps.
MOHEL: Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. Almost had a heart attack!
the crowd grows uneasy
MOHEL: (calming down) Alright I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris and...
a baby's crying
MOHEL: (with increasing tension) Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry,' cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane?!!! (twitching)
Mrs. Flick takes the baby into other room. The mohel massages his forehead.
ELAINE: Did you find the place alright?
MOHEL: Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag,' accuse I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point.
ELAINE: Do you feel alright? (placing her drink on the edge of the coffee table)
MOHEL: (to Elaine) Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? .. Do you? Huh??
The mohel begins severe twitching.
ELAINE: (to Myra) He's very highly recommended.
KRAMER: (to Jerry) The mohel is twitching.
MOHEL: Who's holding the baby? Hello! Who is holding the baby?!?
no response.
MOHEL: (with accompanying 'mock' sign language) Who is holding the baby?
ELAINE: Jerry is.. (to jerry) Jerry!
JERRY: (uncertain) Yeah.
ELAINE: Jerry go over there.
JERRY: All right.
JERRY: I'm going.
JERRY: Don't push me.
MOHEL: Okay. you sit here. Bring out the baby. Bring out the baby. I need the baby!
Kramer dashes into the bedroom and reluctantly brings out the baby. Before he hands it over, he has second thoughts. He grips the baby tightly.
KRAMER: I can't let you do this.
Everyone moves toward him.
KRAMER: I can't let you do this!
People grab him, trying to pry the baby away from him. There is a struggle.
ALL: Let go of the baby! Kramer!
KRAMER: No! No! I won't!
They finally yank the baby away from the distraught Kramer.
MOHEL: People compose yourselves. (shouting as struggle continues) This is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show. This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony, symbolizing the covenant between God and Abraham... or something.
The mohel opens his bag and his instruments fall out.
MOHEL: Damn.
People reach in to help.
MOHEL: No! Don't touch anything! Don't touch a thing! Away! (muttering).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life... Anyway.
He holds up the 'instrument'. He twitches. His hand trembles. We see an extremely anxious crowd. We see a bug-eyed, nervous Jerry as the mohel raises the instrument. As he brings the instrument down, George passes out to the floor.

JERRY: Hurry up George! Step on it!
GEORGE: Alright, alright!
JERRY: That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The mohel circumcised my finger!
ELAINE: You flinched.
JERRY: Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?
ELAINE: How should he know He blacked out. He fainted.
GEORGE: It was very traumatic. But the last thing I remember is you flinching. Then, everything went black.
JERRY: Who's got a tissue? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's my phone finger!
GEORGE: Be careful, you're bleeding all over the car.
KRAMER: What about the baby?
JERRY: The baby's fine. They're just taking him to the hospital as a precautionary measure. I'm the one who's hurt. Look at me.
ELAINE: Will you stop it? You'll just need a few stitches.
JERRY: Stitches? I've never had stitched. I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me!
GEORGE: Hey look a this - boy are you lucky - another spot - right in front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky is that? Is that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that?

Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer walking down the corridor.
JERRY: I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness.
KRAMER: You'll be okay. I'll see you later.
Kramer exits
GEORGE: Where's he going?
Elaine lifts nose up with her thumb.
GEORGE: I'm gonna look for a bathroom.
mohel enters.
JERRY: Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! You did a hell of a circumcision there pal. But it's not supposed to be a finger.
MOHEL: (to Jerry) It was your fault! You flinched!
JERRY: Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook?
MOHEL: (he makes a sudden movement) See! See! He flinched again!
JERRY: Good mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva mohel.
MOHEL: One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked sturgeon.
JERRY: Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.
MOHEL: Butcher Boy?!
JERRY: What was this?  (he imitates mohel's flinching) What was this?
MOHEL: What was this? (he imitates jerry)
Jerry and mohel get into a struggle.
MOHEL: It was your fault!
JERRY: It was not!
ELAINE: Jerry, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife!
The Flicks enter.
STAN: Hey, hey stop it, stop it! What's going on here?
Stan and Elaine ad-lib during break-up of fight.
STAN: You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
MOHEL: (freaked) Ah, blood!!
ELAINE: How's the baby?
STAN: The baby's fine. There's nothing wrong with the baby.
MOHEL: Thank god the flincher didn't harm the baby.
ALL: Amen.
The mohel leans into Jerry and threatens.
MOHEL: I will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. No one ruins this for me. No on!
(turns to Elaine)
Here's my card.
The mohel begins to exit.
Suddenly Kramer comes dashing down the hallway. He is carrying the pig man on his back. The male nurse and security guards are in hot pursuit. They knock over the mohel as they all exit.

Jerry is trying to open a bottle with bandaged finger.
JERRY: I can't do this. (ala Godfather) Look what they did to my boy, They massacred my boy.
ELAINE: You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even close.
JERRY: It's the Flicks.
GEORGE: (on phone) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. It was stolen right in front of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him take off in it. He's about five feet, hairless, pink complexion.. well. he looks like a pig. Yeah, okay, thanks a lot.
Kramer enters
GEORGE: So any word? Did you hear from the "pigman?"
GEORGE: And he's not a pigman is he?
KRAMER: No, he's not.. .He's just a fat little mental patient.
The Flicks enter.
JERRY: Hi Stan, hi Myra.
Elaine goes to admire baby. Myra pulls him away.
MYRA: Don't touch him
JERRY: What's wrong?
STAN: You're out, Jerry. You're out as Godfather. You too, Elaine. You're both out.
ELAINE: But...
STAN: We want Kramer.
KRAMER: (ala Godfather) I'd be honored.
Kramer, Stan and Myra start to exit.
JERRY: But I'm the pitcher. You're the catcher. We have a special relationship.
KRAMER: (to Jerry ala Godfather) Never go against the family..
Kramer and flicks exit, they close the door, but leave it slightly ajar, as they stand in the hallway. The flicks embracing Kramer, Jerry, Elaine and George watch in disbelief through the crack in the door.
STAN: Godfather.
MYRA: Godfather.
Kramer looks into apartment at incredulous Jerry Elaine and George, then closes the door. We hear the godfather theme.