The Conversion

Jerry Seinfeld.......... Jerry Seinfeld
George Costanza.. Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes...... Julia Louis-Drefus
Kramer.............. Michael Richards

Guest Stars:
Older Priest.............. Kay E. Kuter
Sister Roberta........... Molly Hagan
Podiatrist...................... Tom Verica
Tawni............. Kimberley Campbell
Sasha................ Jana Marie Hupp
Younger Priest................ Bill Rose
Waiter.................. Randy Brenner
Mrs. Lupchek......... Darlene Kardon
Woman Hailing Cab...... Karen Rizzo

Comedy Club
Jerry: You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But itís really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesnít it? "I really am a doctor you know. You think Iím not, just check it out." I donít know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and Iíll give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what theyíre talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants.
George: Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive. 
Sasha: Twenty five dollars.
George: Yes, well, you know, Iím not thinking about the price. You know youíre the only woman Iíve never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.
Sasha: George, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we have a problem. 
George: We do?
Sasha: We canít keep seeing each other.
George: Why?
Sasha: (crying) Because itís over. *sob, sob, sob* Itís my parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? (sobbing)
  (The waiter arrives)
Waiter: Uh, have you decided yet?
Sasha: (crying) Yes. Iíll have the lobster.
George: Um, you know Iím starting to think that maybe lobster isnít the way to go.
Outside Jerryís Apartment
Jerry: Then he asked you out?
Elaine: We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his hand on my heart.
Jerry: On your heart?
Elaine: Jerry, the man is a doctor.
Jerry: Doctor? Heís a podiatrist.
Elaine: Itís the same thing.
Jerry: Anyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school.
Elaine: Really?
  A neighbor of Jerry's approaches. A blond whom Jerry apparently had been seeing.
Tawni: Hello.
Jerry: Oh hi.
Tawni: Are you going to be stopping by later?
Jerry: Yes, Iíll be stopping. See you later. (to Elaine) Well we canít all be dating podiatrists.
  They enter Jerryís apartment. George is lying on Jerry's couch in the dark with his leftovers on his belly.
George: Itís over.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: How did you get in?
George: Kramer.
Elaine: Whatís that?
George: Lobster. (wrapped in foil in the shape of a swan)
Jerry: Looks like a swan.
George: She says we canít go out anymore.
Elaine: Why?
George: Because Iím not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents wonít let her get involved with anyone who isnít Latvian Orthodox.
Elaine: Latvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster.
Jerry: Sheís limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.
George: I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well thatís not entirely true.
Elaine: Mmm, delicious.
Jerry: Mmm, succulent.
George: She knew I didnít have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didnít seem to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.
Elaine: Why donít you just ask her parents?
George: I canít. I met them. Theyíre devout. You know, In the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?
George: Why not? What do I care?
Jerry: You know itís not like changing toothpaste.
Elaine: I think it would be romantic.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, itís like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
George: King Edward. King Edward, Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didnít live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
George: You know what? I could probably do this. Whatís the difference.
Elaine: George I was just kidding around.
George: No. I wouldnít even have to tell her. I could surprise her.
Elaine: George I wasnít serious.
George: How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, have a ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am really going to think about this.
. George leaves
Elaine: I guess this one is my fault.
Jerry: Oh yeah.
Tawniís Apartment
Tawni: (Making out on the couch) Oh that was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser?
Jerry: Oh I donít know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room practicing my kissing.
Tawni: Well it was worth it. *kiss* Iíll be *kiss* right *kiss* .. back *kiss*. (Jerry gets up with her) Where are you going?
Jerry: To wash my hands. Theyíre sticky from the orange. 
Tawni: Meet you back here?
Jerry: Right there.
  Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands. He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in.
Jerry: (Finding a tube of Fungicide, he thinks to himself) Fungicide... (looks in the mirror) Fungus?
  Jerry is in a booth with Elaine and Kramer
Jerry: Fungicide. I mean what could she have?
Elaine: I donít know.
Kramer: Fungus.
Elaine: So what did you say?
Jerry: I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go home.
Elaine: What were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?
Jerry: I didnít open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.
Elaine: You were snooping.
Jerry: I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldnít do that.
Kramer: I would. I always open medicine cabinets.
Elaine: Well I trust people not to do that.
Kramer: Big mistake.
Jerry: Why donít you ask that doctor what it is?
Elaine: What? Now heís a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.
Jerry: But thatís what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. Theyíre knee-deep in fungus. This guy know fungus.
Elaine: I am not going to ask him about funguses.
Kramer: Fungi.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Fungi.
Latvian Rectory
Priest: Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?
George: Ahem... In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so umÖ (trying to think of a word)
Priest: Enigmatic?
George: No.
Priest: Vast? (he pronounces it as "vahst")
George: No not vast (he imitates and pronounces it as "vahst")
Priest: Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion.
George: Yes.
Priest 2: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
George: (pauses) I think the hats. The hat convey that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious.
Priest: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?
George: Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah.
Priest: Plot?
George: Yeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the commandments and all that.
Priest 2: Well itís obvious that you are sincere in your desire.
George: Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in?
Priest: The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these texts (brings out a pile of books).
George: Ah hah. You see Father, Iím Iím incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, donít you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change?
Sister Roberta enters.
Sister Roberta: Oh Iím sorry. Father, thereís a man waiting in the chapel.
Priest: You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He is interested in joining the church.
Sister Roberta: Oh are you? Thatís wonderful. Well good luck to you.
George: Nice nun.
Priest: No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a novice.
Father-priest 2: She wonít be taking her final vows until next Thursday.
  Scene changes to inside the chapel
Sister Roberta: May I help you?
Kramer: Oh yeah, Iím here to pick up my friend George Costanza.
Sister Roberta: Well heís in with the Father.
Kramer: Oh yeah.
Sister Roberta: Iím Sister Roberta.
Kramer: Oh. Kramer. Pleasure.
Sister Roberta: Mine. (she smiles at Kramer)
Jerryís Apartment
George: I canít believe how easy it is. Iím virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and Iím in the club. 
Jerry: Thatís all there is to it.
George: Thatís all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.
Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.
Jerry: Oh a slinky. Where did you get it?
Kramer: Sister Roberta gave it to me.
Jerry: Why did she give you that?
Kramer: I think she liked me.
Jerry: What do you mean she liked you?
Kramer: "Liked" me.
George: Kramer, they like everybody. Theyíre friendly people.
Kramer: No. I think I picked up on a vibe.
Jerry: You picked up on a vibe, from a nun.
Kramer: Yeah, Jerry Iím telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it.
Kramer leaves.
Tawni appears at the doorway.
Jerry: Oh hi.
Tawni: I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.
Jerry: A little better. (fake cough)
Tawni: If you need anything let me know.
Jerry: Okay. All right bye.
George: Story.
Jerry: Sheís subletting Carolís place for a month.
George: She likes you.
Jerry: Yeah but thereís a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her medicine cabinet.
George: So?
Jerry: So I donít know what sheís using it for.
George: Well how do you even know itís hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube?
Jerry: I didnít even think to look.
George: Well take a look. It might not even belong to her.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.
Jerry: Yeah Iíve got this old bottle of cough medicine.
George: I still have brill cream.
At Tawniís Apartment
Jerry knocks on the door
Tawni: Hi.
Jerry: Hi. Can I use your bathroom? (with the intention to snatch her tube of fungucise)
At the Podiatristís Apartment
Elaine: You sure you donít mind?
Podiatrist: No of course not. People ask me medical questions all the time.
Elaine: Well the question isnít even for me itís for a friend.
Podiatrist: Elaine, Iím used to it. Iím a doctor.
Elaine: WellÖ podiatrist.
Podiatrist: Huh?
Elaine: No no, Iím just saying you didnít really go to medical school, you went to podiatry school. Which Iím sure is very grueling in itís own way.
Podiatrist: I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with feet.
Elaine: I like feet too. Iím just sayingÖ
Podiatrist: Saying what?
In Tawniís Apartment
She knocks on the bathroom door.
Tawni: How are you doing in there?
Jerry: Fine all done, just looking for the soap. Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.
Tawni: No soap?
Jerry: No I donít see it.
  Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Tawni enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in his pocket.
Tawni: (handing Jerry a bar of soap) Here you go.
Georgeís Parentís House
George is in the bathroom on the toilet with his Latvian Orthodox books.
(there's a knock on the door)
Estelle: (yelling) George what are you doing in there?
George: What? Nothing.
Frank: (yelling) Youíve been in there an hour.
Estelle: You donít feel well?
George: (yelling) Iím fine.
Estelle: (yelling) I want to know what youíre doing in there.
George: (yelling) Nothing.
Frank: (yelling) George, open the door.
George: (yelling) No.
Estelle: Georgie.
George: No!
Kramerís Apartment
Sister Roberta is knocking on the door.
Kramer: Hey.
Sister Roberta: Good evening. I hope Iím not disturbing you, but I found another toy I thought you might like.
She hands Kramer a plastic cube toy
Jerryís Apartment.
Jerry: Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And Iíll need that in the form of a question.
George: I donít know. I canít believe theyíre making me take this test.
  Elaine enters
Jerry: (to Elaine) Hey, did you talk to the doctor?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: All right, the next time you see him show him this.
(He presents the bottle of fungicide.)
Elaine: You "took" her medicine.
Jerry: Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When are you seeing him again?
Elaine: I donít know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists arenít real doctors.
Jerry: How could you say that?
Elaine: Itís you fault. You just got me thinking.
Jerry: I was merely speaking extemporaneously.
Elaine: Iíve got nothing against the foot. Iím pro-foot.
Jerry: Me too.
Elaine: Do you think I should call him and apologize?
Jerry: Yes. Heís a doctor.
Elaine begins to leave
Jerry: Wait a second.
Jerry puts the tube of fungicide in Elaineís purse.
Jerry: (to George) What are you doing?
George: What does it look like Iím doing?
Jerry: (Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what youíre cheating on your conversion chest?
Kramer enters.
Kramer: I told you.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I told you she liked me.
Jerry: Who?
Kramer: Sister Roberta.
Jerry: How do you know?
Kramer: She told me. She said sheís never had a man stir up all of these feelings inside of her. Sheís questioning her faith. Sheís thinking of leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. Iím dangerous Jerry, Iím very very dangerous.
  Kramer exits the apartment like a robotic ticking time bomb.
Father-priest: I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of 
your conversion test. I donít recall having seen such an impressive 
performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.
George: Oh, Iím Iím full of it Father.
Father-priest 2: (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) Ö(mumble)Ö Kramer 
Father-priest: Yes, yes I see. (To George) Iím sorry something has come up.
George: Oh, I understand.
Kramer enters.
Kramer: Um, you wanted to see me Father?
Father-priest: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me 
Kramer: I know what this is about Father. I didnít do anything. I just 
spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. Itís just that, that I have 
this power.
Father-priest: Yes. Kavorka.
[I wouldnít mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) ]
Kramer: Kavorka?
Father-priest: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal".
Kramer: I donít understand.
Father-priest: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be 
possessed by you.
Kramer: Help me Father. Help me.
Father-priest: Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you 
to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ouncesÖ
The hallway by Jerryís apartment.
Jerry: What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramerís 
door) Ah hah.
(knocks on his door)
Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlic around his neck.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. What are you doing?
Kramer: Iíve got the Kavorka Jerry.
Jerry: The Kavorka? Whatís that?
Kramer: The lure of the animal. Iím dangerous.
Jerry: What is this thing around your neck?
Kramer: The priests theyíre helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.
Jerry: You know youíre funcifying the whole building.
Kramer: Keep away Jerry. Keep away.
He closes his door.
Jerry: Kramer. (banging on his door) Kramer.
At the entrance of the church.
There is a sign there. It reads: CONVERSION CEREMONY FOR GEORGE COSTANZA 3:P.M.
The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.
A woman reads the sign.
Woman: George Costanza? Estelleís son?
Georgeís Parentís House
Estelle: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
George: For a woman.
Frank: A woman? What are you out of your mind?
Estelle: Why canít you do anything like a normal person?
Frank: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
George: No itís a regular religion.
Frank: Iím calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.
George: I donít want to get out of it.
Estelle: George, you donít know what youíre saying. Youíre under their 
Frank: What, they brainwashed you?
George: No no.
Frank: Youíre not performing any rituals in this house.
Estelle: Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
Frank: And stay away from those squirrels.
Tawniís apartment
Tawni: Oh how you doing Jerry?
Jerry: Good. Whatís the matter?
Tawni: Iím tired. I hardly slept last night with all this 
scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.
Jerry: Bonkers?
Tawni: My cat. Heís got this weird sort of skin condition. 
Some type of fungus, I couldnít find his medicine.
Jerry: Oh itís your cat! 
Tawni: What?
Jerry: Ooh, nothing.
Father-priest: Are you ready my son?
George: Yes faddah.
Father-priest: What did you say?
George: What?
Father-priest: I thought you said faddah.
George: I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous.
Outside on a sidewalk
A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.
Kramer: How you doing?
Woman: Get away from me you creep. (She walks away.)
Kramer: Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta Iíve still got time to catch 
  At the church. It is Georgeís conversion ceremony.
Church music plays.
George is dressed in a white church gown.
He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle.
Father-priest says some Latvian words.
Kramer is running down the street going to the church.
The church music is still playing.
George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. He makes a 
hand motion on his gown.
Kramer is still running to the church.
The church music is still playing.
Father-priest: Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta 
would you please offer the final benediction.
Sister Roberta: (hesitates) I canít. (crowd murmurs) Iím sorry. Itís a 
beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else.
Kramer enters the church.
Sister Roberta: Him.
Crowd: Kavorka, Kavorka.
Elaineís apartment
Elaine: (kissing) Because I love the foot. Iím a big fan of the foot.
Podiatrist: Well itís my fault. I got a little defensive.
Elaine: And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe.
Podiatrist: Itís my favorite toe.
Elaine: Letís face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? Youíre not 
going to the ear guy.
Podiatrist: No youíre not.
*phone rings*
Elaine: Iíll be right back.
Podiatrist: Oh uh, whereís the bathroom?
Elaine: Itís right down here to the left. I will meet you right back here.
Jerry: Elaine itís her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube 
The podiatrist is in Elaineís bathroom.
He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.
Podiatrist: (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?
Sister Roberta: Somethingís wrong. I donít feel the same lure.
Kramer: You donít?
Sister Roberta: What have IÖ? I must return to the church. By the way you 
really need to take a bath. You stink.
Kramer: Yeah yeah.
Sasha: For me?
George: Well I didnít do it for my mother.
Sasha: Iím really flattered. But I just donít feel ready to 
make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.
George: Latvia?
Sasha: Yes. Iím going to stay with some relatives there for a 
year. Isnít it great?
George: Enjoy, enjoy.
Sasha: Oh George, you are so sweet. Donít ever change.
George: Iíd like a doggie bag for this please.
The End.