The Invitations

Written by: Larry David
Directed by: Andy Ackerman


Jerry Seinfeld...... Jerry Seinfeld
George Costanza...... Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes...... Julia Louis-Drefus
Kramer...... Michael Richards
Janeane Garofalo...... Jeannie Steinman
Stephen Root...... Mr. Lager
Victor Raider-Wexler...... Doctor
John Riggi...... Teller
Sue Goodman...... Clerk
Julie Clark...... Waitress
Fred Goehner...... Delivery Guy

Night Club
JERRY: If wedding invitations were left up to men... we'd just drive around sticking fliers in windshields. Not even typed up either. Just magic markers, Xeroxed, you know: ''Party.'' What's needed is a divorce announcement. ''Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson request the honor of your presence... at the returning of their daughter back to Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson.''
Stationary Store
STATIONARY CLERK: Hi, can I help you?
SUSAN: Yes, we'd like wedding invitations.
STATIONARY CLERK: Oh, well, congratulations.
SUSAN: Thank you.
GEORGE: Yeah, thank you.
STATIONARY CLERK: When's the wedding?
SUSAN: June.
GEORGE: Late June.
STATIONARY CLERK: We have quite a few to pick from. They're arranged in order of price. The most expensive are in the front.
  (George aggressively flips the stationary catalog to the back pages)
GEORGE: I don't know, what about this one?
STATIONARY CLERK: To tell you the truth, they haven't made those for a number of years. I might have some boxes in our warehouse in New Jersey.... I'd have to check.
SUSAN: Oh, no. George, that's so ugly. We don't want that.
GEORGE: What's the difference? You just read it and mail it right back.... These ones.
SUSAN: Why don't they make them anymore?
STATIONARY CLERK: Well, for one thing, the glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture to make them stick.
GEORGE: So we pick up some Elmer's.
SUSAN: All right.... Do you see what I do for you?
  (Outside of the stationary store)
GEORGE: Hey, Kramer.
KRAMER: Hey, George... (to Susan) Lilly...
SUSAN: No, Susan.
KRAMER: No, no, it's Lilly.
SUSAN: I think I know my own name.
GEORGE: It's Susan.
KRAMER: Well, you look like a Lilly.
Jerry's Apartment
GEORGE: It's coming, Jerry, it's coming.
JERRY: What's coming?
GEORGE: The day.
JERRY: Ahhh The day. 
GEORGE: We ordered the wedding invitations today. Nothing can stop it now, nothing. It's here. It's happening. Can I do this? I can't do this. Look at me. Look at me, I can't do this. I can't do it. Help me, Jerry, help me. Just break it off with her. Tell her it's over. I can't.
JERRY: Why not?
GEORGE: Because I can't face that scene. You know what kind of a scene that would be? I'd rather be unhappy for the rest of my life than to go through that. I can't. I've tried to psyche myself up a million times. I can't go through that.
JERRY: All right, take it easy. Just take it easy.
GEORGE: What about a letter?
JERRY: A letter?
GEORGE: I write a letter and then I go to China. I disappear in a sea of people for, like, six months, a year. You know, just while things simmer down. ''Dear Susan, I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I'm really, really sorry.''
JERRY: That's it?
GEORGE: What, too short?
JERRY: Seems a little short, yeah.
GEORGE: A little short.
JERRY: You can't go to China. What about your job?
GEORGE: Right. My job.
JERRY: So write a letter and move to Staten Island. It's easier to blend into a sea of people in Staten Island than China.
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. Staten Island. How do I get the rest of my clothes?
JERRY: You come back for your clothes.
GEORGE: I'm not going back in there.
JERRY: So forget about your clothes.
GEORGE: Well, I'm not starting up a whole new wardrobe now!
JERRY: Freedom and no clothes is a lot better than no freedom with clothes.
GEORGE: If she would just take a plane somewhere.
JERRY: And what, hope for a crash?
GEORGE: It happens.
JERRY: Do you know the odds on a crash? It's a million to one.
  It's something. It's hope.
  (Elaine comes through the door)
ELAINE: Hey. Georgie, you know what I just realized? The wedding is like a month away.
JERRY: Ahh... Elaine.
ELAINE: What?... Oh, by the way, what am I gonna get to be in the wedding party?
GEORGE: What do you mean?
ELAINE: Jerry's gonna be best man... and Kramer's the usher. What am I gonna be?
GEORGE: I don't think you're anything.
ELAINE: Well, I have to be something. I'm a close friend.... What about being a bridesmaid?
GEORGE: Well, those are Susan's friends.
ELAINE: Then how about being an usher?
GEORGE: All right, I'll ask Susan about it later.
ELAINE: You don't ask. You tell.
GEORGE: What about the letter? Should I think about it?
JERRY: Elaine, if a guy wanted to end a relationship... what could he do?
ELAINE: Start smoking.
GEORGE: Smoking.
JERRY: (to George) Does she hate cigarettes?
GEORGE: Yes, she hates cigarettes.
JERRY: But you don't smoke.
GEORGE: Nooooooo.
  (Scene cuts to Jerry and Elaine walking)
JERRY: You know, I think I'm getting depressed about George's wedding.
ELAINE: Really?
JERRY: Yeah, once he gets married, that's it. She'll probably get pregnant. They'll move to Westchester. I'll never see him again.
ELAINE: Yeah, you're probably right.
JERRY: Then it'll be just me, you and Kramer.
ELAINE: No, not me, pal. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm sick of being single. I'm getting out.
JERRY: So it's just gonna be me and Kramer?
ELAINE: Yeah, just you and Kramer. See ya.
JERRY: Me and Kramer.
  (Elaine has left but Jerry is now walking alone. He has a vision of how it will be without George and Elaine)
KRAMER: Hey, buddy. Hey, I thought of a great invention for driving. A periscope in a car, so you can see traffic.
JERRY: How are you gonna drive while you're looking through a periscope? Besides which, it's not a submarine. There's no room for a periscope on a car.
KRAMER: Oh, you make a higher roof.
JERRY: They're not making higher roofs.
KRAMER: Well, why can't you make a higher roof?
JERRY: Because it's a stupid idea. No one's gonna go for it. Don't you understand? It's stupid! (Jerry comes out of his vision repeating the word "stupid")... Stupid. It's stupid... 
  (Not paying attention, he almost get hit by a car... but is saved by a girl)
JEANNIE: Hey, hey, hey, look out! Oh, my God. Are you okay?
JERRY: Yeah, thanks. Oh, my God. You saved my life.
JEANNIE: Shouldn't there be some kind of reward for that? You should be careful crossing the street. Otherwise you could die, if that bothers you.
JERRY: Well, yeah--
JEANNIE: See? To me, this is a waste.
JERRY: What?
JEANNIE: The shirt under your sweater. It sits in a drawer for three weeks and when it finally comes out, it only sticks up out of your collar.
JERRY: I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
JEANNIE: Jeannie Steinman.
JERRY: Same initials! How do you like that?
JEANNIE: I like it.
George's Apartment
GEORGE: Listen, I was talking to Elaine today, and she said that she would really like to be an usher at the wedding.
SUSAN: No, out of the question. I don't want any women ushers at my wedding. And while we're on the subject, Kramer's not an usher either.
GEORGE: Why not?
SUSAN: He doesn't even know my name.
GEORGE: That was an honest mistake.
SUSAN: No, he's too weird. He'd fall or something. He'd ruin the whole ceremony.
GEORGE: Yeah, you're probably right.
  (George lights up a cigarette)
SUSAN: What are you doing? Since when do you smoke?
GEORGE: (coughing) I've always smoked.
SUSAN: I've never seen you smoke.
GEORGE: Oh, yeah, well, big smoker. (coughing) I gave it up for a while, but it was too tough. You know, I don't got the willpower. (cough)
SUSAN: Oh, I don't like this one bit.
GEORGE: Well, I can't stop now! I'm addicted! They've gotten a hold on me!
SUSAN: Well, you are gonna have to quit.
GEORGE: Oh God!... (he runs to the bathroom to puke)
JERRY: No, I know what I want.
WAITRESS: The usual?
JERRY: Yeah.
WAITRESS: And for you?
JEANNIE: A bowl of Cheerios, not too much milk.
WAITRESS: Okay, two bowls of Cheerios.
JERRY: You too?
Jerry' Apartment
  (Jerry is on the couch in a blissful state when Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Hey, did you hear the bank on the corner is offering $ 100 if you go in there and they don't greet you with a ''hello.''
JERRY: Oh, really? That's nice.
KRAMER: Come on. What's with you?
JERRY: I think I'm in love.
KRAMER: Oh, come on.
JERRY: No, it's true. This woman saved my life. I was crossing the street. I was almost hit by a car. And then we talked and the whole thing just seemed like a dream.
KRAMER: If a guy saved your life, you'd be in love with him too.
JERRY: No, this woman is different. She's incredible. She's just like me. She talks like me. She acts like me. She ordered cereal in a restaurant. We even have the same initials... (pause) Wait, I just realized what's going on.
JERRY: Now I know what I've been looking for all these years.... Myself.... I've been waiting for me to come along. And now I've swept myself off my feet.
KRAMER: Will you stop it, man? You're freaking me out. Jeez....
  (Kramer walks into a bank and walks right up to a teller)
KRAMER: Wait a second, you didn't say ''hello.''
TELLER: Yes, I did.
KRAMER: No. No, you didn't.... Hundred dollars. I get $ 100.
TELLER: No, no, I said ''hello.''
KRAMER: No, no, you said ''hey.''
TELLER: Well, ''hey'' is ''hello.'' Same thing.
KRAMER: The ad said the bank will pay $ 100 if you're not greeted with a ''hello.''
TELLER: You're taking that much too literally. Now, sir, do you have any business to transact?
KRAMER: I wanna speak with the manager.
TELLER: He's not here.
KRAMER: Then I'll be back.
Jerry's Apartment
  (George and Elaine are talking in Jerry's hallway)
ELAINE: So I'm not gonna be an usher?
ELAINE: So I'm nothing? Jerry is best man, Kramer is an usher, and I am nothing?
GEORGE: Kramer's not an usher anymore.
KRAMER: (stepping out of his apartment) What are you talking about?
GEORGE: (pointing to Kramer) You've been demoted.
GEORGE: Because you called her by the wrong name.
KRAMER: But she really looks like a Lilly.
  (They enter Jerry's apartment)
ELAINE: Jerry. Hey, Jerry, Susan says I can't be an usher at the wedding.
KRAMER: Yeah, me neither.
JERRY: George, I wanna bring a date to the wedding.
JERRY: I just met her. She's incredible.
ELAINE: Oh, this is GRRREAT! Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singes' table with all the losers?
JERRY: You can go with Kramer.
KRAMER: No, no, no. Weddings are a great place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered.
GEORGE: Do you see what this is turning into? Do I need this? I have got to get out of this thing.
JERRY: Did you try the cigarettes?
GEORGE: (yelling) Yeah, they made me sick!
KRAMER: All right, all right. Let's get down here. You really wanna get out of this thing?
KRAMER: All right. I got two words for you... Pre-nup.
GEORGE: Prenup, what does that mean?
KRAMER: Ask her to sign a prenup.
GEORGE: What does that do?
KRAMER: Because most women, when asked to sign a prenup are so offended, they back out of the marriage.
GEORGE: They are?... Elaine?
ELAINE: I wouldn't sign one.
GEORGE: Prenup.... of course!! Kramer.
KRAMER: Get out of here.
George's Apartment
  (George and Susan at their apartment)
SUSAN: Hi. Hey, I've been going over the list. Wanna invite The Drake?
GEORGE: Oh, got to invite The Drake. Listen. There's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it and it's kind of important to me.
SUSAN: What is it?
GEORGE: Well, I've put a lot of thought into this... and I think that I would like you to sign a prenuptial agreement.
SUSAN: A prenup?
  (Susan begins to laugh hysterically)
GEORGE: What's so funny?
SUSAN: You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. Yeah, give me the papers, I'll sign them.... ha-ha A prenup.... ha-ha-ha...
  (George is left with a defeatist look on his face)
Romantic scenes of Jerry and Jeanie at the news stand looking at Superman comics, at the supermarket choosing cereal, walking through the park and casually stepping over a bum in there way. When back a his apartment, they generate heat on the sofa; making out like their plane's going down when suddenly...
KRAMER: (boom... slams into Jerry's locked door)
JERRY: (to Jeannie) Excuse me.
KRAMER: Jerry.... Hey, Jeannie.
KRAMER: Remember I told you about the bank?
JERRY: Yeah.
KRAMER: Well, I went in there and they said, ''hey.''
JERRY: ''Hey'' is the same as ''hello.'' (to Jeannie) What do you think?
JEANNIE: Yeah, I think it's the same thing.
KRAMER: Oh, big surprise.
George's Apartment
DELIVERY MAN: Delivery from Melody Stationers.
SUSAN: Oh, those are the invitations.
DELIVERY MAN: Just sign here.
SUSAN: Yeah. Thank you.
GEORGE: See you later.
SUSAN: Oh, these are so cheap. Don't forget tomorrow. We're shopping for rings so don't make any plans... And this time we're not skimping.
Jerry's Apartment
KRAMER: Jeannie left?
JERRY: Yeah, she's coming to see my act tonight.
KRAMER: (acting disturbed) Oh, yeah? Well, that's nice. I'm sure that's right up her alley.
JERRY: What's with you?
KRAMER: Nothing.
JERRY: Something on your mind?
JERRY: Looks like there is.
JERRY: Come on, something's on your mind. Out with it.
KRAMER: I don't like her!
JERRY: You don't like her?
KRAMER: That's right. I don't like her. I never liked her from the get-go.
JERRY: What's wrong with her?
KRAMER: Everything she thinks, you think. Everything you think, she thinks. No, I can't take it. I can't take it, Jerry. It's too much. It's too much.
JERRY: If you can't take her, maybe you can't take me.
KRAMER: So that's how it's gonna be?
JERRY: That's how it's gonna be.
  (At George's apartment, Susan is licking envelopes which seen to taste horrible)
SUSAN: Awful...

We then switch to the beach scene whereas Jerry is in deep thoughts about falling in love and maybe marring Jeannie.

Meanwhile, back at George's, Susan is beginning to get violently ill from licking the envelopes.

BANK MANAGER: Can I help you?
KRAMER: Yeah. I was in here the other day, and I went up to that teller and he didn't say ''hello.'' Well, then you are entitled to $ 100.
BANK MANAGER: That's our policy.
KRAMER: Yeah, but he wouldn't give me the money.
BANK MANAGER: Jim, can I see you for a second?
TELLER: Yes, can you give me a minute?
BANK MANAGER: He'll be right over.
KRAMER: (tapping on his desk) What is this, oak?
BANK MANAGER: I think it's pine.
KRAMER: Pine is good.
BANK MANAGER: Yeah, pine's okay.
TELLER: You wanted to see me?
BANK MANAGER: Yeah. Jim, the man here says he came in the other day you didn't say ''hello.''
TELLER: No, that's not true. I said ''hey.'' You know, like a friendly greeting, ''hey.''
KRAMER: Yeah, but that's not ''hello.''
BANK MANAGER: That's a tough one... Let me bring some other people in on this.. Barbara, Jane, Mike, can I see you, please?
BARBARA: How you doing?
JANE: What's happening?
MIKE: What's up?
BANK MANAGER: (to Kramer) Can you excuse us for just one minute? Just one minute. Thanks.
  (the bank manager has a huddle with the four tellers as another bank employee walks by Kramer)
BANK EMPLOYEE: How's it going?
BANK MANAGER: Thanks. Thanks, everybody. Sir, have a seat. Well, we've discussed this. Here's the feeling. You got a greeting. It starts with an "H". How's 20 bucks sound?
KRAMER: I'll take it.
BANK MANAGER: All right, sir. (they shake hands)
Comedy Club Bar
  (Jeannie is sitting alone at a table at the comedy club bar area when Jerry shows up)
JERRY: (approaching her) Will you marry me?

Back at George's apartment, Susan seems to have lick her last envelope when she rolls her eyes back, and keels over.

  Comedy Club Bar... Later on...
JERRY: I would like to propose a toast-- Wait a second! (George walks in) George! George Costanza, come in here!
JEANNIE: Georgie boy.
JERRY: George, big news. I'm getting married.
GEORGE: Married? What?
JERRY: September 21st, first day of autumn. Leaves changing, beautiful colors.
JEANNIE: All that crap.
JERRY: You see? I kept up my end of the pact.
GEORGE: (under his breath) Oh, good for you.
JERRY: And look... Champagne!
GEORGE: H-Hey. (a very weak "hey")
JERRY: To our future wives... Oh, yeah.
  (George returns home only to find Susan laid out on the couch; eyes rolled back)
JERRY: This has been quite a night. I could sure use a cup of coffee.
JEANNIE: Hey, what's the deal with decaf? How do they get the caffeine out of there? And then where does it go?
JERRY: (not enthused) I don't know.
  (a customer trips aside their table)
JEANNIE: (like Jerry) That's a shame.
  (the waitress shows up to take their orders)
JERRY: I'll just have a cup of coffee.
JEANNIE: Bowl of corn flakes.
JERRY: More cereal? That's your third bowl today. You had it for breakfast and lunch.
JEANNIE: (acting more like Jerry) Hey. So, what's the deal with brunch? If it's a combination of breakfast and lunch... how come there's no ''lupper,'' or no ''linner''?
JERRY: (quietly) I don't know...
Jerry's Apartment
  (Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Hey! Frank just called me. Congratulations.
JERRY: (unenthused) Thanks... thanks.
KRAMER: Look, I'm sorry about before. I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry.
JERRY: Yeah... yeah....
KRAMER: Come on, come on. What's the matter?
JERRY: I think I may have made a big mistake.
KRAMER: Oh, come on.
JERRY: No, all of a sudden it hit me. I realized what the problem is. I can't be with someone like me. I hate myself! I need to be with someone the complete opposite of me. It's too much, Kramer. I can't take it! I can't take it!
KRAMER: It's too bad you got engaged.
JERRY: Yeah, too bad.
  (Phone rings, Jerry picks it up)
JERRY: Hello? Oh, hey, George... What? Really?... I'll call Elaine. We'll meet you down there.
KRAMER: What happened?
JERRY: They took Susan to the hospital.
JERRY: ...So she was just lying there?
ELAINE: I wonder what happened.
GEORGE: I don't know... There's the doctor.
DOCTOR: Excuse me, are you the husband?
GEORGE: Well, not yet. FiancÚ.
DOCTOR: Yes. Well, I'm sorry. She's gone.
GEORGE: What's that?
DOCTOR: She expired.
GEORGE: Are you sure?
DOCTOR: Yes, of course.
GEORGE: So..... she's dead?
DOCTOR: Yes. Let me ask you... had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue?
DOCTOR: We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low-priced envelopes.
GEORGE: Well, she was sending out our wedding invitations.
DOCTOR: That's probably what did it.
GEORGE: We were expecting about 200 people... Well, thank you, doctor.
  (George walks over to Jerry Elaine and Kramer...)
GEORGE: She's... gone.
JERRY: Dead?
ELAINE: I'm so sorry, George.
JERRY: Yeah, me too.
KRAMER: Poor Lilly.
GEORGE: Susan.
ELAINE: Susan.
JERRY: How did it happen?
GEORGE: Apparently the glue in the wedding invitations was... toxic.
KRAMER: Well, that's weird.
JERRY: So I guess... you're not getting married.
GEORGE: (embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained jubilation) Yeah.
JERRY: But....
JERRY: Well, now I'm engaged.
JERRY: Well, I thought we'd both be getting married.
GEORGE: Hey, what can I tell you?
ELAINE: All right. Well, let's get some coffee.
  (they all leave Jerry and head for the coffee shop)
JERRY: We had a pact!
George's Apartment
  (George is on the phone...)
GEORGE: Yes, I'd like to speak with Marisa Tomei, please... Marisa, hi. It's George Costanza. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago. Yeah, I was just calling because I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore... Well, she died... Toxic glue from the wedding invitations... Well, we were expecting about 200 people... Yeah. Anyway, I've got the funeral tomorrow but my weekend is pretty wide open and, you know, I was wondering (click-click) Hello?... Hello?...
* My first job directly from the CC text from the episode.