The Strongbox

Director: Andy Ackerman
Writers: Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld
 
CAST:
Jerry Seinfeld........... Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus...... Elaine Benes
Michael Richards...... Cosmo Kramer
Jason Alexander... George Costanza
Guest Stars:
Illeana Douglas................. Loretta
Alex Kapp Horner................ Maura
Louis Mustillo............... ......... Phil
Nicholas Walker............. ..... Glenn
Mary Scheer................ Ms. Smoth
Bonnie McNeil..................... Alison
Rosie Malek-Yonan......... . Mrs. Phil

 
George's Apartment 
  (George is drinking tea in his apartment with his girlfriend)
GEORGE: I-I've given this a lot of thought. I'm sorry, but we, uh, we have to break up. 
MAURA: No. 
GEORGE: (after hesitating) What's that? 
MAURA: We're not breaking up. 
GEORGE: (after hesitating) We're not? 
MAURA: No. 
GEORGE: (after hesitating even longer) All right. 
 
Monk's 
JERRY: She said no? 
GEORGE: She said no. 
JERRY: What did you do? 
GEORGE: What could I do? We fooled around and went to a movie. 
JERRY: George, both parties don't have to consent to a breakup. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me hear your arguments. 
GEORGE: Well, I don't really like her. 
JERRY: That's good. 
GEORGE: I don't find her attractive. 
JERRY: Solid. 
GEORGE: I'd like to sleep with a lot of other women. 
JERRY: Always popular. 
GEORGE: Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food. 'Oh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes, you are so good.' 
JERRY: You have an airtight case. 
GEORGE: And in bed-- 
JERRY: I'm afraid we're out of time. 
 
Jerry's Apartment
  Jerry is admiring a pair of Jerry Lewis Cufflinks
JERRY: (pulling out a jewelry case) Hey. 
GEORGE: What? 
JERRY: Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he actually wore in the movie Cinderfella. I got 'em at an auction. 
GEORGE: I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you. 
JERRY: No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him. 
GEORGE: You already have an in. You have the same first name. Jerry. 
JERRY: Oh, that'll intrigue him. 
GEORGE: Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week. 
JERRY: George Peppard has been dead for years. 
GEORGE: Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team. 
 
On The Street 
  Glenn and Elaine are sitting at a table at a side walk cafe
GLENN: So you would choose your last meal based on the method of execution? 
ELAINE: Right, right. I mean, if I was getting the chair, I'd go for something hot and spicy. You know, thai, maybe Mexican. Lethal injection, feels like pasta. You know, painless, don't want anything to heavy. 
GLENN: So, um, why don't we get together some time? 
ELAINE: Oh, sure. Why don't you give me your number? 
GLENN: I think it'd be better if I called you. 
ELAINE: Oh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime. Do-do you work around here? 
GLENN: Mmmm... no, not really. 
ELAINE: So, is there anything you can tell me about yourself? 
GLENN: I think you're very beautiful. 
ELAINE: (laughing) Oh, ha ha. That'll do. 
 
Jerry's Apartment 
JERRY: ...What about Puddy? 
ELAINE: I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks. I think it might be over. 
JERRY: So, what's this guy about? 
ELAINE: I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked. I'll be he's in a relationship. 
JERRY: Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity. Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern! 
ELAINE: Which one is he? 
JERRY: Green suit, power ring. 
ELAINE: I don't care for jewelry on men. 
(Kramer enters carrying a large box)
KRAMER: Hey. It happened again. Another robbery in the building. 
JERRY: So you bought a cooler? 
KRAMER: It's a strongbox to protect my irreplaceable. 
ELAINE: And... what would those be? 
KRAMER: Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations. My Tony, my... military discharge. 
JERRY: You were in the Army? 
KRAMER: Briefly. Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this key. Because if somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions. 
ELAINE: Literally. 
KRAMER: 'Literally'? What's that supposed to mean? You mind if I hide this somewhere? 
JERRY: No, go ahead. 
KRAMER: (stuttering gibberish) A little... privacy, huh? 
JERRY: Oh, come on! 
KRAMER: Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue. Boy, you wouldn't last a day in the Army. 
  (Jerry goes into the hallway with Elaine)
JERRY: How long did you last? 
KRAMER: Well, that's classified. 
ELAINE: (in the hall with Jerry) Hey, what if he's married? 
JERRY: Kramer? 
ELAINE: No, the Green Lantern. 
KRAMER: OK! 
JERRY: (walking back inside with Elaine) So, you would date a married guy? That's so hacky. 
ELAINE: Well, I don't know. I may never marry. It might be the closest I get. 
(Jerry, getting a spoon out of his silverware drawer, accidentally stumbles on the key, and holds it up for Kramer to see)
KRAMER: You peeked! 
JERRY: This is your hiding place?! 
KRAMER: It was under a spoon! 
 
George's Apartment
George is standing in his with a legal note pad reading it to Maura 
GEORGE: ...and so, for all these reasons, we are officially broken up. Thank you, and good night. 
MAURA: No, George, we're not. 
GEORGE: But I proved it! 
MAURA: I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like launching missiles from a submarine. Both of use have to turn our keys. 
GEORGE: Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key. 
MAURA: I'm sorry, George, I can't do that. 
GEORGE: Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key! 
 
On The Street
Elaine is walking on the street with Glenn 
ELAINE: So, how is a guy like you not involved? 
GLENN: Well, I might ask you the same thing. 
ELAINE: (in her mind) That's true, maybe he's not married. 
(Glenn gives her a flower)
ELAINE: Oh, that is so sweet.
(in her mind) How long do I have to hold this? 
GLENN: (seeing a woman on the street) Oh, no. 
ELAINE: Who is it? 
GLENN: (running with Elaine into an alley) Uh, no one, no one. Here, uh, let me show you a short cut. Come on. 
ELAINE: (in her mind) Married. That's it, I'm chucking the flower. 
 
Outside Jerry's Apartment 
Elaine is on the street below Jerry's window 
ELAINE: Jerry! Jerry! 
JERRY: (looking down from his window) Elaine, what are you doin' down there? 
ELAINE: You didn't hear me buzzing? 
JERRY: Oh, I guess it's broken. 
ELAINE: Throw down your key. 
JERRY: It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer. 
ELAINE: I'll catch it! 
JERRY: You'll chicken out at the last second. 
ELAINE: Yeah, you're right. All right. Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody comes out? 
JERRY: All right. (a pause) Hey, you know what's weird? 
ELAINE: Huh? 
JERRY: I used to be able to have a huge meal, go right to sleep. But I can't anymore. 
ELAINE: Nodding off! Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating on his wife with me. (to a passerby giving her a dirty look) We haven't done anything yet. I'm hungry. Can you throw something down? 
JERRY: All right. Here! (throwing down a granola bar)
(walking away from the window) I'm gonna try and fix the buzzer. 
ELAINE: (from the street) It went in the sewer! 
(Jerry, pulling apart his buzzer and finding Kramer's key jammed in there)
JERRY: Hey... 
(Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment and seeing him at the buzzer box)
KRAMER: What are you doin'? 
JERRY: You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom! 
KRAMER: You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta know everything about it. You're so obsessed with me. 
JERRY: (going into the hallway) I'm gonna go let Elaine in. 
KRAMER: What are you doing with her? 
JERRY: (hearing the door lock behind him) Kramer! 
KRAMER: Security issue! 
JERRY: (seeing Elaine walking down the hallway towards him) Oh, hey. You got in. 
ELAINE: (handing him a large stack of papers) Yeah, flirted with the menu guy. 
JERRY: (taking the menus) Oh, thanks. 
KRAMER: (clattering inside) That wasn't me! 
JERRY: So, he's definitely married, huh? 
ELAINE: Yeah... 
JERRY: Boy, I would've loved to have been there when you told him off. 
ELAINE: Hmm... 
JERRY: Oh, come on! 
ELAINE: Well, he could be a superhero! You should've seen him run. 
KRAMER: (from inside Jerry's apartment) OK! 
(Elaine and Jerry go back inside Jerry's apartment)
KRAMER: All right, Jerry. Let's see if you can get it in your head that this is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement. 
GEORGE: (from the street yelling) Jerry! 
(George tries to whistle to get Jerry's attention)
JERRY: George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down! 
(putting on his coat to go downstairs, when he finds the key in his coat pocket) 
JERRY: (to Kramer) I believe this belongs to you. 
KRAMER: Heyyyy!!! 
 
Jerry's Apartment Lobby
Jerry, opening the ground floor door for George, and seeing him eating a granola bar 
JERRY: Where did you get that? 
GEORGE: I bought it. 
Phil, walking up to get inside with George 
PHIL: Thanks. 
JERRY: (starting to close the door) I'm sorry. I-I don't know you. 
PHIL: What? 
JERRY: There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't let you in. 
PHIL: But, I live here. I ran out to get some birdseed, and-and I forgot my key. 
GEORGE: Sounds like a scam. 
JERRY: (closing the door on Phil) I'm Very sorry. 
GEORGE: (waiting for the up elevator with Jerry) So, I broke up with Maura. 
JERRY: Great, you're lonely and miserable again. 
GEORGE: Feels right. 
JERRY: Is that guy still there? 
GEORGE: (looking at the door) He's starin' at us. 
JERRY: Don't look at him. 
JERRY: (Phil starts to knock on the door) We don't hear that. 
GEORGE: Want a bite? 
JERRY: No, I don't. 
 
George's Apartment 
George is sitting on his couch 
GEORGE: (in his mind) I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit. 
Maura, coming in George's apartment 
MAURA: Hey, Honey. 
GEORGE: What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here? I ended this relationship, twice. 
MAURA: George, you didn't mean that. That was just a fight. 
GEORGE: Why does it only seem like I'm the only one working at this breakup? 
MAURA: George, I listened to your arguments, and they were rambling and flimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get some dinner. 
GEORGE: All right. 
MAURA: (taking to an apple on George's coffee table) Eww, Mr. Apple. You have a brown spot. 
 
Glenn's Apartment 
Elaine, at Glenn's small, dingy apartment with him 
ELAINE: So, this is your little... love nest? 
GLENN: It's nothing special, just a little place I keep. 
ELAINE: Oh. 
GLENN: Ah, should I light a fire? 
ELAINE: Oh, that sounds romantic. 
Glenn, going outside, through the window 
GLENN: I'm having a little problem with the heat. Uh, I got some cardboard out here. 
ELAINE: (in her mind) This is wrong. I should go. 
GLENN: (from outside) Can you get that, please? 
ELAINE: Oh, sure. 
(Elaine gasps when she opens the door, seeing the woman from the street that Glenn had avoided earlier)
WOMAN: Where's Glenn? 
ELAINE: You're the woman from the street, and I am so sorry. You know, I'm not really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero. I swear. 
WOMAN: Lady, I'm not his wife, I'm his welfare caseworker. Is he home? 
ELAINE: This is his home? 
WOMAN: Yes. 
ELAINE: So, he's... 
WOMAN: Poor. 
Glenn, coming back through the window carrying an old chair 
GLENN: I think this will burn! 
 
Jerry's Lobby Elevator 
Jerry, getting into his building elevator from the lobby, and seeing Phil get on with him 
JERRY: So you do live here. 
PHIL: Yeah. 
  (going up in the elevator, both men awkwardly stand in silence. Getting off the elevator, as Phil is, too)
JERRY: You live on this floor? 
PHIL: Yeah. 
Jerry, seeing Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from Kramer's 
JERRY: So you live right... there. 
PHIL: Yeah. 
JERRY: So I guess I'll see-- (door slams on Jerry's face) 
 
Monk's 
ELAINE: He wouldn't give me his number because he doesn't have a phone. He's not married. He's poor. 
JERRY: Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels, with the straps? 
ELAINE: He probably busted it up and burned it for heat. 
JERRY: So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers? 
ELAINE: How can I end it over money? I feel bad. 
JERRY: Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other situation? 
ELAINE: Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage cans. 
JERRY: Good. How did you handle that? 
ELAINE: Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes in the alley across the street. 
JERRY: Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean. 
ELAINE: Well, I am not paying Glenn off to get out of this relationship. Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand him... well, how much do you think it would be? 
GEORGE: (entering) Hey. 
JERRY: Hey, where have you been? 
GEORGE: Seeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable to break up beyond a reasonable doubt. 
ELAINE: If only he could have been cheating on his wife, you know, things would have been so much simpler. 
GEORGE: Who's this, Blue Arrow? 
ELAINE: Green Lantern. 
JERRY: We found out his super power was lack of money. 
ELAINE: All right. 
JERRY: He's invulnerable to creditors. 
ELAINE: We get it. 
JERRY: He's the 'Got-no-Green' Lantern. 
ELAINE: Thank you. 
GEORGE: Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan. 
ELAINE: (leaving) Well crafted. 
GEORGE: Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura. 
JERRY: Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair. 
George, now on the same side as the booth of Jerry, with Elaine's side vacant 
GEORGE: She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth, I'll break under the cross. I actually have to do it. 
JERRY: Could you move over there? 
(George reluctantly switches sides, so they're facing each other)
GEORGE: Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that always had a crush on me. 
JERRY: Really? How come you never pursued her before? 
GEORGE: She's too tan. It's the middle of the winter, she's like a carrot. 
ELAINE: (returning) Did I leave my glasses here? 
JERRY: (to Elaine) He can wipe out his checking account in a single bound! 
ELAINE: (leaving again) Keep 'em! 
 
Jerry's Apartment
(Jerry, as he's entering his apartment to see Kramer there, disturbs some sort of bird in the hallway, which makes a squawking noise)
KRAMER: Hey. 
JERRY: There's a giant parrot in the hallway. 
KRAMER: It's Phil's. 
JERRY: Who? 
KRAMER: Our neighbor that you turned against. Anyway, I told him it'd be fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway. 
JERRY: What'd ya tell him that for? 
KRAMER: Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging out at his place. 
JERRY: Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the couch? 
KRAMER: Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved. I hid it at Phil's 
JERRY: He let you? 
KRAMER: No, he doesn't know. So, uh, Phil won't be compulsively looking for it like some people. You! 
(going out into the hallway, Kramer is apparently attacked by the parrot, because it starts squawking loudly, and Kramer runs back inside Jerry's place)
 
George's Apartment 
George, entering his apartment with an "orange-toned" secretary 
GEORGE: So, you... you say you've been in the city all winter? 
LORETTA: I was in Maine for a couple days. 
GEORGE: Well... here we are. 
LORETTA: George, I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you. 
GEORGE: Ho ho! 
LORETTA: But... I don't want to spoil things by sleeping with you too soon. 
GEORGE: Are you sure? 'Cause it could really help me out of a jam. 
LORETTA: I want to build something with you, George. 
GEORGE: Oh, not more building. 
LORETTA: And I won't take no for an answer. 
GEORGE: No? 
LORETTA: No. 
GEORGE: (after hesitating) All right. 
 
In an Alley 
Elaine, in an alley with Glenn 
ELAINE: So, what are we doing in this alley, anyway? 
GLENN: It's a surprise. 
ELAINE: (giggling) Oh. 
(a nearby door opens, and a cook throws a garbage bag out into a trash can; Glenn immediately goes for the bag)
ELAINE: What are you doing? What is that? 
GLENN: It's a bag of donuts. 
ELAINE: It's garbage. 
GLENN: (looking in the bag) No, no, no, no, no. When they make the new ones, the old ones come out right here. 
ELAINE: (pulling out her checkbook) All right, that's it. How do you spell your last name? 
GLENN: (still looking through the garbage bag) It's a bear claw! You have no idea how rare this is. 
ELAINE: I'll make it out to cash. How 'bout two hundred bucks? Two-fifty? 
GLENN: (eating the bear claw) Mmm! 
ELAINE: Make it three hundred. 
GLENN: (handing her the bear claw) You know, Elaine, you are the bear claw in the garbage can of my life. 
ELAINE: (sharing a bite of the bear claw) Aw, Glenn. 
(the cook comes out again, dumping a bucket of water out in the alley, and splashing Elaine and Glenn, but they're too wrapped up with each other to notice)
 
Phil's Doorway 
Jerry, at Phil's door, which is answered by a woman wearing cleaning gloves and carrying a cleaning bucket 
JERRY: Hi. Is Phil here? 
PHIL: (from inside the apartment) Yeah, I'm here. 
JERRY: Phil... hi. I-I know we kind of got off to a bad start. But your bird, which is lovely, by the way, made a mess on my door. 
PHIL: And? 
JERRY: I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there. 
PHIL: That's my wife. 
JERRY: (after an awkward pause) All right, I think we're done here. 
 
Jerry's Apartment 
Jerry, in his apartment in a tuxedo, with George 
JERRY: So, you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a woman who won't have sex with you. 
GEORGE: This isn't going well. 
JERRY: I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em, I have no in! 
GEORGE: (starting to leave) You don't need the cufflinks. You have the same name. (pause) Jerry! 
JERRY: Where are you goin'? Help me look. 
GEORGE: It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and going to a staged reading of Godspell with the other. 
JERRY: Which is with who? 
GEORGE: (leaving) It doesn't matter. 
KRAMER: (entering Jerry's apartment, in his own tuxedo) Whoo! Boy. Yeah, you clean up nice. 
JERRY: I can't go until I find my cufflinks. 
KRAMER: Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I took 'em out of your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox. 
JERRY: You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please? 
KRAMER: (going into the hall with Jerry) Yeah, we'll stop by Phil's, we'll pick up the key. 
(in the hall, Jerry and Kramer see Phil and his wife, both crying, going into their apartment)
KRAMER: Hey, what's going on? 
PHIL: Fredo is dead. 
JERRY: That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to the incinerator? 
PHIL: No! my bird. We just got back from the pet cemetery. 
JERRY: Oh, Phil... Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry. 
PHIL: Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us he was poisoned! Something in his food. 
JERRY: But I, I didn't-- 
(Phil slams the door on Jerry and Kramer)
JERRY: Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! And who buries a bird? 
KRAMER: Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the incinerator. 
JERRY: Just get the key and let's get out here. 
KRAMER: You know, it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish. Whew! That's a weird coincidence. 
JERRY: Kramer!? 
KRAMER: What? 
JERRY: You killed Fredo! 
KRAMER: Fredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't have eaten that key. 
JERRY: Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird. What are we gonna do? 
KRAMER: You just answered your own question. 
JERRY: Oh, no. 
KRAMER: (walking back towards his apartment) I'll get the shovel. 
 
Monk's 
George is with Loretta 
GEORGE: The, uh, actor that played Jesus made some odd choices. 
LORETTA: What? 
GEORGE: I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating. 
(Maura, enters)
MAURA: George? 
GEORGE: (faking shocked) Maura. Oh, my God! What are you doing here?! 
MAURA: You told me to meet you here for lunch. 
GEORGE: (standing up and overacting) Oh, I'm caught in my own web of lies! 
MAURA: (to Loretta) I'm Maura. 
LORETTA: (to Maura) I'm Loretta. You want to join us? 
GEORGE: This is all blowing up in my face! My serious girlfriend, and my torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined three lives. Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so... 
MAURA: George, what we have is too important. We can work through this. 
LORETTA: So can we. 
GEORGE: What? So, this is still not over? 
MAURA: No. 
GEORGE: You? 
LORETTA: No. 
George, reluctantly sitting down 
GEORGE: All right. 
 
Glenn's Apartment 
GLENN: Elaine, wow, a TV, a stereo?!
ELAINE: Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood, so you won't have to burn 'em.
  (a woman walks in)
GLENN: Oh, my God, Allison. You're home early. 
ELAINE: Who is this? 
ALLISON: His wife. 
ELAINE: You're poor and married? 
GLENN: Looks like it. 
ALLISON: Who the hell are you? 
ELAINE: I guess I'm Lois Loan. 
 
Pet Cemetery 
JERRY: Kramer, I can't believe we're grave robbers. 
KRAMER: (reading a tombstone) 'Man's best friend.' Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone. 
Jerry, seeing Fredo's tombstone, and handing the shovel to Kramer 
JERRY: Oh, my God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up. 
KRAMER: All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him. 
JERRY: (taking the shovel back) I'll dig. 
KRAMER: Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here. I'm gonna go check it out. 
  As Jerry starts to dig, Kramer, still in his tux, walks off, trips over a tombstone, and tries to appear dignified again. Jerry begins to dig and finds the grave is shallow 
JERRY: (hitting metal) Well, that was easy. 
Phil, walking in the cemetery with his wife, near Fredo's grave 
PHIL: All right, Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace. 
Jerry, pulling the metal box out of the ground 
JERRY: Hey, Kramer! I dug Fredo up, now let's cut him open! 
PHIL: (seeing Jerry digging up the grave) Oh, my God! 
MRS. PHIL: Oh! 
JERRY: Hey, neighbor. 
 
Jerry's Apartment 
George, in Jerry's apartment with Kramer, Jerry, and Elaine 
GEORGE: All right. I'm gonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each. 
GEORGE: (to Elaine) What do you think? 
ELAINE: Give me forty, you'll never see me again. 
(Elaine flips her tongue at George, who rolls his eyes away)
ELAINE: (to Jerry) So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or are you gonna move out, or what? 
JERRY: Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building. 
GEORGE: (flipping open the lid of the strongbox) So, what's in the cooler? 
KRAMER: Oh. Well, would you look at that. Guess I forgot to lock it. 
JERRY: You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for something? 
KRAMER: Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry? Really one for the books. 
END